*snorts* uGhF WHAT YEAR IS IT

——

Hunter: I think there's a monster under my bed.

Hunter: I'M SCARED

Reese: That's me you idiot, we share a bunk bed.

---

Ben: *tap dances over to you* bitch do we have a problem

---

Jack: If you bite it, and you die; it's poisonous. If it bites you, and you die; it's venomous.

Toby: What if it bites me and it dies?

Clockwork: That means you're poisonous. Jesus christ, Tobes, learn how to read.

Ellie: What if it bites itself and I die?

Jeff: It's voodoo.

Toby: What if it bites me and someone else dies?

Ao: That's correlation, not causation.

Jeff: What if we bite each other, and neither of us die?

Ben: That's kinky.

Reese: Oh my god.

---

Ben: *slurping ramen noddles*

Reese: Slow down. If you keep going that fast, you're gonna choke.

Ben: that's not what you said last night *wink*

Hunter: diSGUSTIN

---

Reese: Someone wrote a mean comment about me on Overwatch. What do I do?

Ao: Report them.

Jack: You have a lot of options: Hunt them down, put a curse on them, frame them for a crime they didn't commit, write about them on a bathroom wall...

Ellie: Write a novel, name one of your characters after them, and then kill the character off gruesomely.

Ben: I'm partial to laxatives in the tea.

Ao: Jesus christ, you all need to calm down.

---

Reese: Life sucks.

Reese: People sucks.

Ben: What about me?

Reese: You suck

Ben:

Reese: Real good

---

Ben: I'm not asking Reese to do any favors for me

Reese: yeah, specifically fucking you

Ben: w h a t... Why would you even say that?

Reese: god, what if we just fucked one day?

Ben: wha--you're so weird right now. What is going on with you, man?

Reese: why is it weird, man? Just two bros fucking each other

Ben: dude, what? whaaat

Reese: fuckin hanging out, going to a baseball game, giving each other hot blowies

Ben: oh my g o d

Reese: centerfield

Ben: whoaaaa

Reese: just jumping down onto the base paths

Ben: duuude. ugh how could you say shit like that?? Man, messed up...

Reese: .....you...Ben, you do realize that I have voice messages of you saying like

Reese: 'hey Reese, uh, hey, Reese it's Ben, uhhh...listen I just need you inside my asshole right now'

Ben: *spits out laughing*

---

Ao: My boyfriend is too tall for me to kiss him on the lips. What should I do?

Ellie: Punch him in the stomach, then, when he doubles over in pain, kiss him.

Reese: Tackle him.

Ben: Kick him in the shin.

Jack: NO TO ALL OF THOSE. JUST ASK ME TO LEAN DOWN.

---

Ben: I like to play hard to get

Reese: hi

Ben: you are the most beautiful person in the entire world marry me right this second

---

Ben: Get ripped. Eat pasta. Be gay.

Reese: The only thing I rip is a package of pasta with my gay hands.

Ben: I know I'm the OP but Big Mood

---

Ao: Do you ever wanna talk about your feelings, Jeff?

Jeff: no

Ao: oh...

Ben: I do

Ao: we know you do, Ben

Ben: I'm sad

Ao: we know

---

Jack: Calling people daddy is gross.

Ben: Stop kink shaming me!

Jack: Kink shaming IS my kink...!

Ben: *gapes in horror* sCREAMS*

---

Ben: No one is gayer than I am, but some come dangerously close.

---

KP Series Characters as Shit My Friends and I Have Heard In Class

Ao: Nobody respects my slime aesthetics.

•••

Jeff: Don't make my dog gay.

•••

Ellie: Miss, I had high cholesterol in 5th grade.

•••

Ben: We're gonna have a breakfast/lunch thing. Lrekfast.

Jack: It's called brunch, you fucking idiot.

•••

Ben: Bro, you have a fat ass, what you gonna do with all that junk in the trunk.

•••

Reese, weirdly distressed: Sir, Mark's being gay

•••

Ben, when trying to come up with a reason why Jack's still a virgin: So he's blind and gay.

•••

Zalgo: Rawr in peace.

---

Zalgo: What do you want for your birthday?

Ellie: Unicorns.

Zalgo: Be realistic.

Ellie: A normal life and happiness.

Zalgo: What color do you want your unicorn?

---

Ben: Lets play a game called "how many hints do I have to drop til you ask me if I'm gay".

---

Ben: I'm so cool.

Reese: *doesnt even look up* you cried over a dog video 20 minutes ago while you had food in your mouth and then you choked

---

Reese's Mom: Muchas gracias!

Ben: Ah, enchilada.

Reese: *facepalms*

---

Ben: I love cock! Do you love cock??Everyone gets a big cock!!!

Reese: Are you high right now?

Ben: You bet your tight ass I am!!1!1

---

(I feel like I did this before but fuck it)

The Boys Flirting

Jeff: Is it destiny that we met?

Ben: Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?

Jack: do yOU WANNA PUT YOUR MOUTH ON MY MOUTH--damn it I can't I'm done

---

-When Ben and Reese Do ANYTHING-

Readers: I beat the fucc outta my dick so god damn hard that I can't even feel my left leg my left leg has went totally numb

---

Reese: *jokingly shoves ben* Dork.

Ben, threateningly: Touch me again

Reese: and...

Ben: And what?

Reese: 'Touch me again' and you'll what??

Ben: Idk. Just touch me.

Reese: What--

Ben, aggressively: DO IT

---

Death when talking to Jeff: hey what's up bitch

Death on the inside: oh you fool you have ruined your only chance at love

---

vampire: *rips Ben's collar back to bite his neck only to find him wearing 12 garlic clove necklaces*

vampire: how did you know?

Ben: know what?

---

Reese: How do I make it clear that I'm wearing gay flannel not country flannel??

Ben: converse instead of cowboy boots

Ao: What if you're a gay cowboy?

Craig: white cowboy boots

---

Ao, lovingly throwing birdseed to everyone: Nutrients

---

Everyone else: Thrussy

Ben, an intellectual: Esophagina

Jack, an actual intellectual: You all need to stop