*posts at 12:00 like an asshole* IT'S MY BIRTHDAY

.
.
.

*screams*

---

Sally: Ben! Is that a weed?!?

Ben: No, this is a crayon--

Sally: I'm calling the police!!!

Sally: *pushes 911 on the microwave*

Microwave: 911 what's your emergency?

Ben: ಠ▱ಠ

---

Reese: *has the conjoined popsicles*

Ben: Aren't you going to share?

Reese: Why should I?

Ben: Because it's a two-stick popsicle? Like, for two people?

Reese: No, you dumbass. It's just so you can hold it with both hands.

---

Jack: *before Ao* I don't believe in love. It's stupid. Waste of time. I'm a heartless monst--

Ao: *pops up in his life* Hi!

Jack: *now* Bathe me in flowers and kisses and hugs and damn I love love it's such a blessed thing ♥︎

---

Jeff: *before Ellie* Yeah killing people is my jam I'm a fuckin badass stone cold asshole no ones taking me down--

Ellie: *shows up in his life* Hey

Jeff: *now* Lol what's a serial killer anymore? that's overrated I love you and I love being with you and I will fite (ง'̀-'́)ง for you til the ends of time

---

Ben: *before Reese* Haha, I'm so cool look at me smokin weed and getting the babes and heh-heh-hell yeah I'm smart and awesome everyone wants to be me--

Reese: *crashes into his life* Sup

Ben: *now* *sputtering* ffuuuuCCC I'm GaY i aM juST acHeiNg for HIM ANd I CAN't speak WorRDS yOu caN jUst ReaP MY SoUL aND my ASs HONEY AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

---

Ben: anybody else thinking about dick?

Craig: All the time

Zalgo: being an asexual I ACTUALLY think about REAL things like SCIENCE

Ben: literally no one asked

---

Ben: Age is just a number

Jack: False. It's a word.

Ben: boi get the fuck outta my fACE

---

Reese: take a photo of me

Reese: make me look good

Ben: you always look good

Reese: what

Ben: you heard me

---

-Zalgo, the Inspirational Father-

Zalgo: BITCH TASTE THE FUCKIN POSITIVITY

Ellie: but you're not nice

Zalgo: STFU IM POSITIVE I NEVER SAID I WAS NICE

---

Reese: what u thinking about

Ben: you

Ben: all the time

Ben: sometimes naked

Ben: sometimes not

Ben: depends

---

Jack: my god, will you ever stop the 'I wanna die' crap?

Jeff: I'll stop when I'm dead, that's for sure

---

Ben: *@ Jeff* Call me daddy!

Jeff: *frowning* Daddy...

Reese, softly, to himself: daddy

Ben: what?

Reese: NOTTHGIN

---

Ben: Jack, I think you should play the role of my father

Jack: I don't want to be your father

Ben: That's perfect, you already know your lines

---

Ellie: Everyone has that one bra that makes everything okay

Ao: Even the boys?

Jeff: We have that one brah that makes everything okay

---

Ms. P: if all your friends jumped off a bridge, would y--

Ben: probably

---

Ben: my phone is broken...

Jack: Your phone isn't broken; you're broken.

Ben: ....

---

-Upstairs Class-

Ao: How far do you think the ground is from the window?

Ellie: Enough

---

Ben: what that mouth do

Reese: ask for money

---

Jeff's evil clone: Shoot HIM, he's the clone!

Ben: *aims at the evil clone* The REAL Jeff would never pass up an opportunity to die...!

---

Jeff: *text post* 'Don't get me wrong, sex is great, but I would rather spend the night learning everything about you and hearing every story you have. To me, that's far more intimate.'

Ben: *reply* 'Get this geek ass shit off my dashboard this bitch wants to get RAILED!!!!'

Ao: *staring at her phone* How am I both of these people?

---

Ben: Well, whatever, cinco de mayo

Jeff: What?

Ben: That means "seize the day", right?

Jeff: No, you dumbass.

Jeff: It's cirque du soleil

Jack: *in the distance, silently screaming*

---

Ben: *shows up*

Hunter: Reese, your boyfriend is here, haha

Reese: He's not my boyfriend!

Reese: *@ Ben* Hey babe

---

Ellie: *her phone rings*

Ben: *looks at the screen and snorts* You still call your dad 'daddy'?

Ellie: *looks straight into Ben's eyes while she answers the call*

Ellie: Hi, Jeff.

Ben: *chokes on soda*

---

Ben: Do it for the vine!~

Reese: I'm not gonna do it.

Ben: Do it for the vine!~

Reese: I'm not gonna do it...!

Ben: Do it for the dick!~

Reese: *steps back to do a dance, but then stops* What??

---

Ben: God DAMN I'm SO white

Ben: How'd you get your tan??

Jack: b  i  t  c  h

---

Ms. P: you know what, you're in timeout, get on top of the fridge! Get up there!

Jeff: *climbing on the fridge* this house is a fUCKING NIGHTMARE

---

Jeff: You need to start being nice to people.

Ellie: I am nice.

Jeff: No you're not. You just told that dude to fuck off.

Ellie: I said 'fuck off, and have a nice day'.

---

Reese: You talk about eating ass a lot, so how many asses have you actually eaten?

Ben: BITCH, that's none of your FUCKING business, that's between me and my hoes--

---

-Ben's Advice-

Ben: The real meat you need to beat is your heart.

---

Ao: My food is too hot to eat

Jack: You're too hot and I still eat you

Ao: Ohhh~

Ellie, to herself: I don't know whether to be grossed out or concerned for her safety

---

Jeff: Maybe that glass is half empty

Ben: Well I think it's half full.

Jeff: I think you're full of shit.

Ben: *slaps him*

Jeff: ...

Jeff: *strangles him*

---

Ben: Dear god, look at that ass right there.

Ao: Where?

Ben: *rolls down car window* Right there in the gray spanks

Ao: That's a guy

Ben: ...what?

Ben: *looks closer* Oh shit...

Ben: Well, he's got a great ass

---

-Ben Tries to Impress Reese-

Ao: I'm gonna get a drink.

Reese: Alright

Ben: Hey Reese

Reese: *looks*

Ben: *yanks off pants* *in boxer briefs*

Reese: o__o

Reese: *claps* Great, I don't think--

---

Ben: Would you rather get a pound of bricks, or a matter baby?

Reese: What's a matter baby?

Ben: *winks* Nothing sweetie, what's wrong with you? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Reese: *chokes him*

Ben: oH FUC

---

911 dispatcher: 911, is it an emergency?

Ben: No!

911: then what is it??

Ben: ..i...iT'S DIGIORNO

---

Jack: so, you're telling me that if Zayn was a murderer, you'd still let him into the house?

Ao: Yes, I'd still let him in, so he could murder this pus--

---

I made these because I have nothing better to do with my life

byE