I still feel...terrible.

At this point, I think something may be wrong with me. I keep flipping back and forth between being okay and feeling like crumbling into dust.

I don't know why I'm like this. I don't know why it had to be me. Hell, maybe this is what I get for having a decent life up until now. Everyone has their hardships. I guess mine is coming in and it's hitting me pretty hard.

Why did this start..

How?

Was it when my friend, Alexis, moved to a different school last year, leaving me feeling alone and useless? Maybe. I ended up becoming more social for it and made good friends, though. I still talk to Alexis too, so it's still okay. Why should it bother me?

Recently I've realized that she isn't at my school, which is stupid because it's been that way since the middle of the first of sophomore year. But, one day I saw her picking up her sister and I was happy to see her but I had to go with my dad. I wanted to cry so badly for some reason and I played off my quietness as just being tired. Exhausted. I'm not exactly lying.

I'm still struggling with asking my parents for money. It's harder than people make it out to be..

My feeling of unimportance is still there, hanging onto my shoulders and draining me. It's especially strong when I'm with my dad and step-mom, since the other kids are there, and they're more important, and I'm not because all I do is stay quiet and sit alone in my room. That's all I want. They won't let that happen sometimes though. They tell me to hang out in the living room, but I just wanna hide away when they say that. I don't want to have a conversation. If I do, I feel like I'll go insane. Plus, with my dad and step-mom, my fear of failure and disappointment increases. The littlest thing can set my step-mom off and I don't want that. I don't want to feel stupid. I don't want everyone else to feel awkward because of the tension, because of whatever I screwed up on. I just wanna hide.

I feel sick whenever I look at myself in the mirror. Utterly ill. 

I had my All-Region competition recently, Oct. 11. I thought I did good. I know I wasn't the best violinist but I still thought I could do it. It went better than last year's. But I was wrong. I didn't place in anything, but I knew that. The sad thing is, I didn't even become an alternate. I thought I was good enough for that. I'm not. Not even as a god damn alternate.

I recently got recommended to join the National Honor's Society but I'm afraid to apply. There's no redeeming qualities about myself that they would find worthy. I'm not a leader, I've never had any jobs, I don't do community service. All I do is play with my phone and read. I'd be a horrible member if I joined.

That guy I like? He's still nice, still cool, still handsome. But I'm trying not to feel that way about him. Every time I see him in the halls and my heart kinda does a thing, I feel stupid and berate myself because I shouldn't feel that. Every time I look at him, I see that I'm beyond his league. He's a wonderful person. I'm not. I don't want him to get involved with someone like me, who can cry over the tiniest things because there's just too much inside. There's better girls out there who believe they're worth something, who feel confident enough to smile because it's real. Sometimes, my smiles don't feel real. At this point, I do it so no one can know that I'm practically dying on the inside.

No one deserves to like anyone like me, to know anyone like me. Plus, I know my crush is only a crush. Nothing will come out of it other than frustration and the feeling of insecurity. As if I need any more of that.

He doesn't like you. Not in that way.

He never will.

Stop being so stupid. Quit hoping for that. There are better things anyway.

He will never love you back.

Don't even use that word. You shouldn't say it.

Something is wrong with me. This isn't how I'm supposed to be. I was getting better. I was talking with people. I was doing fine. Why'd did I fuck it up now?

I feel sick. All of the time. Sick of my feelings. Sick of myself.

I'm tired. Exhausted.

I'm ugly. Inside and out.

And I'm scared.

Why?

Because... To be honest, I've thought about dying. But my chest starts to hurt and my throat constricts every time I do. I want to cry every time I do. I don't know if it's because it is possible, or because I've reached this level of sadness to have those thoughts. Maybe the latter.

I'm pathetic. Really. I am.

Look at me writing all of this down for the world to see, like some fucking idiot.

Disgusting.

And I'm sorry for that.

I'm sorry for never catching up on things. I'm sorry for constantly putting myself down. I'm sorry for not being smart enough to get out of this rut. I'm sorry for failing you all, not only as EternalLaughter, but as Alex, too.

I'm a terrible role model. A terrible inspiration for all of you on here. You all deserve so much better, and I can't give you that. I just want everyone to be happy. That's all I need.

I'm so sorry. For everything.

I feel sick again.

I'm tired.

I...hope you all had a wonderful day. You all are amazing.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry..

I love you all. I really do. Unfortunately, I can't say the same for myself anymore. I hate what I am right now.

I'm sorry.

Don't worry about me. I'm not going anywhere. But I'm still sorry.

Bye.