Hey yo waddup it's another one of these thingies.

Idk why I'm making this. I just had an urge to...idk write my feelings?

I think I'm mostly pissed off because my Mystic Messenger Christmas DLC bugged out on me a bunch and it was just not a fun ride. I was going for Zen but that did not happen. I got Saeran tho so like I guess that's still cool.

Also part of my back tooth broke off so now I REALLY have to go to the dentist after idk how long since the last time. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna get the entire tooth removed because there's no saving that bastard. Ugggh.

On the bright side, I made this Yuri On Ice fan art in tribute to the finale and my ultimate OTP:

(I'm proud I pulled this off because it's all mostly watercolor and I rarely do that method of painting.)

Anyway...I just had this urge to talk about something pretty important to me.

I don't know if it's because it's my junior year of high school, which EVERYONE says is the hardest year to endure.

I don't know if it's just a seasonal thing with the pressure of the holidays and stuff.

I don't know if it's just because...well, I don't know.

I've joked about having anxiety before. In ridiculous, panicked moments, I'll joke that "my anxiety boosted ten-fold, dude." Things like that. When I was younger, I never really understood what it was, just that you get panic attacks sometimes.

I realize now that it's NOTHING like that. Well, it's not just panic attacks.

I've realized that you can have mental breakdowns without really being aware of them. It's a lot of thinking and worrying and overanalyzing and being too alert for your own good. You don't have to have panic attacks to have anxiety. Nowadays, a lot of "normal behavior and mentalities" were once things that were considered mentally ill back then. But it's clear when true anxiety hits a person hard. And it's hit me.

I didn't want to accept it. Didn't want to think about it. I kept putting it down--no, shoving it down--yet also making light of it because it was the only way I knew how to deal with it in a brief instant. Anxiety isn't being nervous, or twitchy, or being unable to interact with others and handle normal situations. It's...being unable to pull yourself away from your thoughts. It's self-sabotaging yourself; breaking yourself down from the inside out as a way of coping with the fact that you're...you're pretty messed up.

When people tell you you're amazing, or beautiful, or a good person, you find yourself doubting their words. Others might see this as humble but it's not being humble. Being humble about those things is accepting that you are those things without being rude about it. It's realizing you're kind but you won't let the compliments sway your vision. With anxiety, it's not accepting it but putting on a mask that looks like you do, and you also believe what that mask shows. Yet on the inside, you're still doubting and still putting yourself down.

Anxiety is like being in a hole that has smooth solid walls. No footholds. No tools to create an escape. Nothing. Just you and your thoughts that continually prod you until you bend to their will.

It's like dealing with a monster, but the monster is you.

Self-sabotage. Doubt. Neuroticism. Overthinking. Overwhelming. Illusive. This is anxiety.

Slowly, I'm trying to accept that I have this, and it's thanks to this video:

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(Thomas Sanders is such a talented man and a precious peach, I swear).

And also Yuri on Ice (this show has consumed me but I love that it has). Why YoI? Because of Yuuri. He had anxiety and the show did a fantastic job of portraying that. From the time he panicked about being in 1st at the Cup of China to the subtle thoughts he had about his self-doubt. When Viktor came along and helped him grow, his anxiety didn't go away. It'll be there no matter what, but it's a choice of either letting it consume you or overcoming it one step at a time. Yuuri was slowly overcoming it with Viktor's help and I think that's absolutely beautiful. And...this probably sounds cheesy, but Yuuri got a pretty happy ending in the first season and I want to believe that if he could get to that point in his life, then I can too. Someday. It won't be soon, but I want to believe it will happen. I want a happy ending.

You can admit you're tired of feeling like crap; of having anxiety, of being sad, but it doesn't go away like that. That was obviously proven when I once stated I'll try to get better then immediately fell into the lowest point of my year. Still haven't gotten over it, really...

I'll never have the perfect mental health. Anxiety (and possibly something else equally worrisome) will still be there in its corner, waiting for moments to pop out. Right now, I haven't really been able to ward it off easily, but I'm hoping someday I can punch that lil' shit back into its corner as soon as it tries to get up.

I'll say it here, since I'm on my very bumpy road to happiness...

I have anxiety.

I'm a lil' fucked up.

I'm not always going to be okay, but that's okay.

It's a part of being human, as much as it sucks.

I am human, not a monstrosity; not a mistake or failure.

I am human and I have anxiety...

And I will get through this.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. I'm glad I have somewhere to vent.

Also, check out the video in the multimedia. It's a song I barley found and I'm in love with it. It's absolutely beautiful. (It's called That Night by Lovewave).

I hope you had a wonderful day today.~

See ya!~