Chapter Two

It was a lot harder than I thought it would be. I smiled more than I have ever had in four years and none of it was genuine. Yes I missed the gang, and yes it was fun hanging with them but it was hard to focus on them with P'Arthit there smiling and looking really too good. Whose idea was it to come along for this vacation again?

As I took a bathroom break with the guys whilst teasing the girls, I wondered how I had thought seeing him again would help me get over him and move on. Seeing him there had brought a wild rush to my body, a feeling that I was used to four years ago and only P'Arthit can bring up in me. I swallowed up all my feelings that stirred strongly within me and kept my distance.

The hotel was a real vacation palace. I saw at least three celebrities I knew enjoying themselves. For some members of our group it was a norm to be in this type of high profile hotel but for others it was rare. P'Arthit kept it hidden very well but I could tell he was very impressed with the wide lounge rooms, the red rugs, high ceilings and glittering chandeliers, mahogany furniture.

"I'm sorry but we are fully booked."

I approached P'Bright and P'Pem who seemed to be having some troubles checking us in.

"What's wrong guys?"

"Oh, Kongpob, nothing." They chorused. They looked guilty as hell. One with a blank face lifted away, the other with his shoulders raised.

"Hey, what's going on? Is there something wrong with our reservation? Tell me, maybe I can fix it."

We booked a suite," P began hesitantly, "And for two six room suits but they made a mistake and booked a suit with only five rooms."

"Okay, that means one of us is left out huh. I'll just take a separate room then. It is not a big deal."

"Actually you are not the only one who is left. Pem's girlfriend is coming over to join us. You know she's an actress."

I did not know that and did not see the relevance. "So?"

"That means we need two rooms not one but there is only one empty room.

"Okay, "I said after thinking for a while. "It's probably my fault so I'll just get the extra room. You guys don't have to worry."

"It's not about the money, Kongpob," P'Pem informed me making a put out look, "there are no more rooms in this hotel. We can only get one out of two."

"That's why I was suggesting that Pem and his girlfriend share a room. All the others are sharing their rooms with their girlfriends and wife, and boyfriends, even me. Why are you being so difficult Khun Pem?"

"Hey, hey. This is a girl I just started dating, how is she going to feel if without warning I suddenly force her into staying in a room with me. What would she think?"

"That you are a playboy who just wants to get her in bed? That's nothing new."

I laughed and watched between them as they argued back and forth. In the end I knew where they were coming from. "Okay you guys, what's the other solution."

"Hm, there are actually two solutions Kongpob."

I nodded and folded my arms, "okay, what is it?"

"One, "started P'Pem and I shifted my gaze to him, "we get you a room in another hotel"
"except that doesn't make sense we all came here together we should be together and have fun. The hotels around here aren't very great. This is the best here so probably before we can get you a room in a decent hotel we would have to drive very far." P'Bright continued.

"Okay..." I was starting to get a little skeptical because that didn't sound very much like a solution to me. Not a real one, but at least they thought hard about it. "What's the second one?"

"Well its simpler, you have to share a room with one of the guys"

I sighed, "why didn't you just say so P'"

He smiled, "I'm glad you don't have a problem with this Kongpob."

"Why would I?"

"Because the only person you can share with is Arthit"

At that very moment he chose to show up,

"What's taking so long?"

I turned and met his eyes straight on. Why was he always looking at me and it was always hard to look away. I liked the shape of his eyes and how he was looking at me. Sometimes it felt like no time had passed between us and it was still four years ago and we were still trying to love each other in secret.

"Oh Arthit, nice timing. You have to share a room with Kongpob."

That broke the spell fast and both of us looked at P'Bright at the same time. I hadn't yet agreed to that. I didn't know about P'Arthit but I couldn't share a room with him, which would be like putting myself through a certain kind of torture only a demon could come up with.

"Hey, wait a minute P'Bright, you can't just decide that yet."

"But it's the only way."

"I don't understand," said P'Arthit looking between us for an explanation, but I couldn't very much tell him anything so I stayed quiet and let P'Nott tell him everything.

After the explanation I said," but you don't have to if you don't want to. Just take the room and I'll look for another solution. Don't worry."

He smiled at me and I thought it was with relief. He must really be feeling as uncomfortable as I felt. That should make everything better but oddly I felt worse. I didn't think sharing a room with P'Arthit was a good idea, consciously I knew that but emotionally, seeing him all too please to refuse, it just hurts. How he could still hurt me after all these years was some kind of accomplishment.

"I'm ok with it though," I nodded.

"Of course, I understand. Wait what?" I blinked in confusion. I was expecting a short explanation to excuse himself not an agreement.

"I said its okay," he smiled again.

"Are you sure?" I asked with a slight frown. Why would he want to share a room with me?

He seemed to really consider it, "yeah, I'm sure. We've shared a room before. Many times." He didn't even realize what he was admitting right there in front of his friends and the cashier. He glanced between them and then held my gaze again so pointedly my heartbeat kicked up.

"Actually, I'm worried you might not be okay with it." That shy admission was all it took to send my feelings racing again. I shook my head and smiled.

"When have I ever not been okay with it?" that one question took me a year back on my recovery, but I didn't think I could ever recover from loving P'Arthit.

I was more than a little happy to be spending time with Kongpob and sharing the same room. It's been so long since we were alone together talking and teasing each other. Well he did most of the teasing. As I was looking forward to our nights together I didn't know how Kongpob was feeling.

We rolled our boxes into our room, a small two bed room with a flat screen TV and a mini bar. It was pretty simple yet elegant. I struggled with my box regretting bringing so much. Kongpob suddenly reached out, I think he was trying to help me with my bag but I moved forward and walked sideways into him. I turned too soon to apologize and couldn't say a word as I lost my breath from how close he was. We haven't been this close in so long and a yearning so strong kept me still and looking into his eyes. They drifted to my lips and my heart raced. If he kissed me I wouldn't pull back.

"Um, sorry." He took one step then two steps away from me. I watched him and nearly followed after but he said: "you can take that bed. I'm going to take an early shower and go to bed."

I opened my mouth to speak but he was already turning away and leaving me gaping and blinking. I pulled my bag in and glanced at the clock on the night stand. It was only seven.

We both took our showers and were getting ready for bed in utter silence except from the rustle of our clothes. I cleared my throat loudly, "Kongpob—"

"I don't know what the guys have planned for this trip but I think it is safe to assume that it would be hectic," he smiled at me, "let's try to get some rest early, P'Arthit."

With that he was lying down and turning off the lights. I sat in the darkness staring at his covered back. He made it seem like we were about to speak at the same time but really he had interrupted me. I was really hurt by this because I now knew that Kongpob had only been pretending when he looked like he was over everything. The same as me except I thought he actually hated me now. He probably never wanted to share this room together. Thinking about how I had assumed that he wanted to, that it was okay, I felt like such an asshole. I couldn't stand myself, at how easy it was for me to expect Kongpob to be open to anything and everything. I forgot about his hero complex. He'd sacrifice himself to make others feel better but that did not mean he wanted it, just like he did not actually want to be in the same room with me.

I turned away, lay down on the bed and pulled the cover halfway up. I couldn't take back what happened four years ago and I didn't know if I could deal with the attention we would have to face but I knew I didn't want to be this way with Kongpob. I looked at his back which looked like a wall keeping me away. The years have been really hard for me, I still loved Kongpob. I don't think that would ever change but I couldn't do anything about how things were now. If only I could somehow convince Kongpob that we could still be friends then I don't have to say goodbye once this trip was over.

The next morning when I woke up it was past nine and Kongpob was long gone. His bed made and the rest of the room clean like he was never in it. I remembered how he used to wake me up, how he'd let me sleep in and then trick me into waking up. Sadness stronger than I had ever felt it filled me and I wanted to just lay back and cry. In fact I was crying a little.

"P'Arthit?" I turned as he entered the room and we stared at each other. His head tilted a bit and he looked puzzled.

"What is it?" I asked as I wiped my face.

"You should get ready. We are going to the beach in an hour."

I nodded, got up and started heading towards the bathroom but he wasn't moving away and I almost walked into his arms. He caught me even though I was still a good distance from him. His hands closed over both my arms gently.

"Are you alright P'Arthit?" I met his eyes and nodded speechlessly. We seemed to stare at each other for what seemed like hours, him searching, me just enjoying being so close to him. I said:

"Are you upset with me?"

He blinked, "what?"

"About sharing the room," I chickened out. What was that question about anyway, of course he was upset with me. I hurt him. When he wanted me to pull through for him I bailed out and destroyed the one good thing in my life. All that self deprecating thoughts made me feel like crying again but I held myself in check.

"No, I'm okay with it. Why did you think that?"
I shrugged, "you just didn't seem like you wanted to be with me in the same room."

He studied me and I began to worry I sounded obvious and stupid, just because Kongpob wasn't showing me the same level of attention as before. He squeezed my arms and let go."I'm not upset with you and I really don't mind being with you in the same room."

I nodded and stepped away from him to start heading towards the bathroom and turned to see him looking at me. "Do you think we could be friends, Kongpob?" I asked.

He was silent for a long time. I think I shocked him and just when I thought his silence was the answer he said, "Sure."

That took my breath away because I wasn't sure how I would feel if he didn't agree but now I knew that his agreement meant something; it meant that Kongpob did not feel for me as I felt for him. What was I doing trying to convince him to be my friends when I still felt this strongly about him? How stupid would it be for me to show my hurt in front of him? I walked into the bathroom without saying a word. I must have seemed rude but I didn't care, couldn't bring myself to.

I sat bonelessly on the toilet seat still wearing my pajama bottom, my hand covering my eyes as I tried to control the tears that were trying to break forth. I was a real basket case today. Nothing like spending time around your ex to make up for all the times you didn't cry. I haven't cried since the last time Kongpob returned my gear to me and I even brought it along. It was sitting in the pocket of the jean I wore in. Kongpob would never take it back now. I lowered my head to my knees and let myself go for a few minutes.