Breanna Michelle Santana

I screamed myself awake from a nightmare. It started off seemingly okay and then got progressively more depressing, ending with me lonely and killing myself. I'd ask my mother to interpret that but I felt the answer would concern everyone.

Dripping in sweat from my mid-day nap, I looked at my phone for the time. 4:19 PM. Since I had nothing else to do, I wanted to just go back to sleep and escape reality.
I couldn't believe things with Grayson went down like that last night. My head pounded from a night of screaming and crying myself to bed.
I kept going back and forth from blaming him to hating myself and none of it was helping. The fear was that our issues were bigger than us and would require professional help to finally solve.

As I went to get comfortable back on the couch in Dad's living room, my stomach growled. Deciding not to deprive myself anymore, I got up and made my way to the kitchen where I popped some chips in my mouth and prepared to whip up a sandwich.

Just as opened my mouth to take a bite, my phone rang. It was an unexpected call and I curiously wondered from who.

With my face twisted, I bit into my turkey sandwich and glided over the hardwood floor back to the living room where my iPhone was on top of the coffee table.

It was Holland who's number I never deleted after we contacted about me shooting her maternity shots and wedding.

I instantly went "what does she want" in my head and thought to ignore the call.

As I sat down and pushed my phone away, it kept ringing. I anxiously watched it until the call dropped. Relieved, I let out a "phew" and clicked on the tv.

No more than ten seconds later did my phone start to ring again.

What if it's an emergency, I thought.

Who am I kidding, I'm no good at ignoring people. So, I answered it and prepared myself for her bitchiness. That's how she was to me, rude. I wish I knew why but I just figured it was because of mine and her brother's turbulent relationship.

"Brea?" I let her speak first.

"Yes," I returned hesitantly, my mouth still full.

I chewed slow as I listened to my ex's sister. "Hey. How are you?"

"I'm fine, Holland."

"I hear you're back in town," she led with.

I swallowed hard. "Bad news travels fast," I sassed.

She laughed a little. "I want to talk, please."

Angie suddenly came downstairs and adjusted the strap to her red heels at the bottom of the staircase. She bent over and waved at me. I smiled back and then paced to the sliding glass door that took me outside.

"Look, I'm not trying to fight, alright-"

"Brea," she paused, "come outside."

My eyebrows furrowed, confused. Over my shoulder, I glanced at Angie who came to the sliding glass door and peeked her head through the cracked opening she made. "You expecting company, sweetie," Angie asked me.

That's when I heard the beeps, indicating Holland hung up. I looked down at my phone and then trekked back inside and through the house to get to the front door only to see Holland in her Prius right outside.

The Jansen's are going to be the death of me, I thought as I shook my head and jogged down the steps.

Before getting in the passenger seat of Holland's car, I waved at Angie shouted for her not to wait up for me.

I got in the car and the first thing I said was, "Where are we going, Holland?"

She pulled off and I kept looking over my shoulder, biting down nervously on my nails.

So many things came to mind. Is she going to kill? Did Grayson tell her about last night, is she going to take up for him and chew me out? Is this a set-up.

"Holland, I swear to God if this is a set-up—" She cut me off by laughing. Sure, I was paranoid but that seemed like a very real thing she'd do for Grayson. And I was not in the mood to see him again.

"Relax, will you," she giggled and put her hand on mine. "We're just going to talk - somewhere I can work off this baby weight. Come on, you look like you could use the fresh air and exercise. No offense."

"Offense taken, but no, I understand. I look like a mess," I breathed out, grabbing the hair at my temples.

Holland stopped at a stop sign and with her blinker already on, took a left.

Not too much later, we were in the parking lot to an epic hike trail. It was in the middle of the most serene Oregon woods, placed on a mountaintop that floated above a beautifully chaotic river.

A memory hit me across the face. One time, Grayson and I came to this exact trail. It was early in our "relationship". Such a nice day, though! Ugh, we hiked and hiked for what seemed like an eternity until we were almost at the top. It started to get dark but he didn't care and said he'd protect me. Neither of us cared about getting in trouble because we wanted to see the sunset from the summit. I took a drink and then got ready to continue the walk. He randomly asked "Do you trust me?" At first I kind of scratched my head and wanted to say no. Except, I did trust him with my whole heart. So I took his hand and we both wore grins as we ascended. Only, there was this snake that scared the shit out of me. I was so dramatic, I panicked, and I'm not even like that scared of snakes. I guess it was just the girl in me wanting a big, strong man like him to save me. And he did. He strangled the snake, I mean literally, and returned to me like it was nothing. I later found out he was actually scared of snakes growing up and that was his first time facing that fear. Seeing him do that, knowing he was scared, showed just how brave he was. That was probably one of the first times I knew I loved him.

====

Holland and I got to the top, neither of us lived for it. I hated it, in fact, and that's coming from someone once considered "fit." Back in the day, that hike would've been a breeze. Aha, Grayson always motivated me to work out and be healthy.

The more I told myself to stop thinking of him, I couldn't. I just accepted that everything reminded me of Grayson and there was no getting over it anytime soon.

"Thanks," I said to Holland after a sip of water, "I needed this."

"Anytime," she panted, cracking her back.

I stood on top of a rock and deeply inhaled the woodland air. Refreshing, to say the least. Miami, Florida had nothing on my home. It looked like a brochure, seemed like a dream, and smelled like air freshener.

My eyes opened to see Holland recording a video to send to her family.

She waved with a huge, genuine smile, and blew a kiss. "It's so nice here, we'll have to come back - just the three of us! Oh, Michelle will love it! Where is she, baby?" I listened as she spoke to Mark through FaceTime.

I couldn't hear what she said clearly but I kept my eyes on Holland. I didn't mean it to be creepy, I was actually just admiring the sweet, wholesome exchanged and could only pray I would ever experience something like that.

When Holland put the phone away, she sighed and walked over to me.

"Do you regret naming your daughter after me," I randomly had to ask. It was a valid question considering Holland hates me.

Her eyes grew wide. "No, absolutely not. Why would I?"

I shrugged and kicked a pine cone. "It's not like we're the best of friends," I mumbled.

"Brea, I absolutely respect you."

"I thought you hated me, you were pretty bitchy before," I admitted, finally looking up at her.

She shook her head and looked like she felt awful. "My tone and mouth is something my whole family has told me to work on, I'm trying. Grayson has always been my baby brother, I've always had his back. I go hard for my family, and I've seen him get played and used before. It's just that I know how girls can be, I cheated on Mark before. I know, I know. After seeing him run through so many girls, I just wanted to see him settle down. That's all Mom wanted, too."

"I understand and I'm sorry if I ever came off rude to you, too. You were just being a good sister. A little pushy at time, but still, a good sister," I chuckled, nudging Holland.

This warm smile spread on her lips. "He's doing a lot better now, you know - Grayson is."

"Good," I replied. Holland nodded surely.

"I know I'm supposed to say this but I wouldn't lie; you really did make him a better man. I know he cheated and all, but the way he was with you was so different than every other girl. He has a funny way of showing it, but I know he loves you."

"I'm sure he thinks that he did love me. Like you said, he had a funny way of showing it. I mean," I scoffed, looking up at the sky, "how am I supposed to move on and act like everything's fine when it's not?" I got up and started pacing. All my emotions started to pour out again.

"I act like I'm fine one second then the next I'm ripping out my hair and yelling at everyone. I swore I wouldn't get jealous and I did. Every time I feel like I'm getting closer t-to closure, I realize maybe it's my fault then I get in my head and shit gets more complicated. Does any of this make sense? I don't even know anymore. All I know is I still love him and call me dumb, but I feel like we can work things out. And why would I want to, right? He's a cheater, a liar. But am I wrong for thinking he's still a good guy? Why. Do. I. Love. Him?"

"Let it out, let it out," Holland encouraged me.

I stood at the cliff and chucked a bigger rock. It disappeared and I finally let myself breathe again.

"Scream," Holland suggested out of no where. I looked at her like she had three heads.

Before I could even verbally object, she let out a howl.

"Holland, please. Stop that," I whispered, making sure no one was watching.

She side-eyed me and smirked before doing it again. This time, louder.

Honestly, I tried not to laugh but I couldn't hold it back. I snickered with a hand covering my mouth.

Coming back to herself, Holland bubbly circled around my body.

"Scream," she insisted another time.

"No," I responded back with a laugh at the end.

Giving up on the idea of my screaming, we checked the time. Both of us agreed on heading back home so we descended the mountain.

"He'd kill me if I told you this, but Grayson's been going to therapy," Holland told me.

I was stunned to hear that. Grayson? Therapy? It didn't sound real. He always claimed to be too much of a proud man to let someone in his head like that.

"Why?" I asked uneasily. It's not that I thought I was the cause but what if I was? I'd feel bad. Hell, I was close to seeing a shrink to help me deal with his shit, too.

Though she was going to tell all, she didn't look too pleased to. Holland let out another deep sigh before telling me the truth. "Well, he's taken the split hard. He's been smoking cigarettes, he got in a fight with LJ, showing up to work late or not at all. It's bad, Brea. But, he got laid off and started spending less time with people like Leila and LJ, and found time for his family. Honestly, I've seen a big improvement already. He's been a great uncle, a good coach, brother, and son. I think he's past the point of beating himself up, he knows he exhausted every possible chance he had left with you. He knows his issues are beyond you; it's deeper than that. He needs professional help."

"I'm sorry, but, what issues could he possibly have?" I found that bit hard to believe, Grayson was pretty perfect other than the obvious.

Holland stopped and snarled. "God, why do you two think that just because someone isn't like the people in those depression commercials that there's nothing wrong? I mean, think about it: you're the perfect girl, you gave him everything, why do you think he cheated? Some basic male instinct bullshit? No, he's insecure. He's narcissistic and damaged on the inside, Brea. How did you not see that? I hope you didn't think you were the problem this whole time," she let out.

That was a lot to take in. I had no words. My only reaction was a dropped jaw.

However, hearing Holland give me such high praise — calling me perfect and saying his infidelity wasn't a direct result of something I couldn't provide him — gave me the push I needed. It warmed me up and reminded me who I was.

"Come on," Holland said, nodding towards the end of the trail so we could finish and go already.

As I took my first step, I dropped my sneaker right into a puddle clear as day. Stopping for a second, I looked down to see my face at every angel. That's when I observed my physical appearance and realized how much of a bum I resembled.

This isn't me, I said in my head.