Breanna Michelle Santana

Ever since my plane landed in Oregon, Kaign and Dylan were babying me. That is, whenever they took a break from their petty arguing.

They said my episode during the flight was a panic or anxiety attack. There's some differences between the two, but I'm sure they just thought I was dramatic. If anything, I'd call it an epiphany: a sudden realization. What did I realize suddenly? That maybe things with Grayson weren't all his fault. And it sucked that I couldn't stop thinking about him. Hell, my whole world revolves around him. Who am I if I'm not his? Pathetic, I know. I wonder if this is just another dramatized tale of young love that will eventually pass and teach me a lesson, or if I'm actually a victim of heartbreak. Either way, a lot was left unresolved and I wanted nothing more than closure. It's what I deserved. I supposed that once I ever got that closure, maybe then I'd get over him finally.

I woke up with a splitting headache. The time on the digital clock to my left read 12:35 PM. I'd remember to get on myself for sleeping in so late another time but, for now, I blamed my laziness on the jet lag.

Before anything else, I turned on the tv and immediately switched to some cartoons. For the first time, I didn't bother checking my phone for notifications because I quite literally didn't care who was trying to get a hold of me, and how their selfies looked, or what today's drama was.

All one hundred and thirty-something pounds that made up my 5'8" body sunk into the cushion and consumed me so comfortably, I didn't want to move even to pee.

My stomach growled and I ignored it as I've been doing for weeks prior. And I would've called room service but that would mean getting up to open the door, actually eat the food, and keep it down.

Is it bad that every time I threw up I hoped it was morning sickness? Crazy to think I'd even want to be pregnant, being that it would be his baby and I'd have to coexist with him after everything when I damn sure wasn't ready for that. However, maybe a child would bring us together?

A splitting cramp in my stomach was enough to make me rush to the bathroom. I kneeled over the toilet and braced myself but nothing came out.

Who am I kidding, I thought in my head. I'm not pregnant.

All of my limbs became jelly and I melted to the bathroom floor, lying on my back as I stared up at the ceiling.

Just as my eyes shut and I felt myself slipping into a dream where I was floating amongst the Heavens and Elvis's "Can't Help Falling in Love With You" was playing - his voice like pure gold in my ears, in walked Kaign.

"Honey, what are you doing?" The way he said it, so you unamused like he had gotten used to my weirder behaviors.

I kept my eyes shut as I tried going back to that happy place but it became less vivid until it escaped me altogether.

Back to reality.

I vibrated my lips and locked my fingers on top of my empty stomach.

"I'd say good morning but it's almost one in the afternoon. How'd you sleep?" Asked Kaign who had to put a towel down before joining me to sit on the floor.

If I was in my right mind I wouldn't be sitting on a hotel floor either, let alone lying on it.

"I slept," I grumbled back in response. That just meant I didn't sleep good, nor bad necessarily. I simply laid down at night, shut my eyes and my brain slowed down for some hours in order to engage in the process of recharging for the next day so I could function properly.
Well, I wouldn't call this functioning "properly."

"And breakfast? What'd you eat?"

I blinked once for the first time in what seemed like five whole minutes. Swallowing, I said "I didn't."

"You can't keep doing this to yourself, Brea? You need to eat, I'm getting worried." Kaign sounded just like my father saying that. I missed my father.

"It's a game I like to play: I see how long I can starve myself before I have to force myself to physically get up and eat just to continue living a life I'm not even sure is worth living anymore."

That was overboard, I know, but when you have everything taken from you and your life is turned upside down, you do question what the point is anymore. If there even is a point. Let's look at the facts; turned away by my father and mother, I got my heart broken by a man I swore I didn't love. Then made a fool of myself in front of someone — Joey — who could've been so good to me but found love with someone else. Riley, is it? Only, for me to end up being a burden in my gay ex's home while he lives out his dreams with his boyfriend right in my face.

I'd listen to my friend's advice saying "it could be worse" but when the rest of your life before was so easy and routine, when one little thing goes wrong, it seems like the end of the world. So, this was my rock bottom. And while it could be worse — I could be getting abused, on drugs, or in jail — this was my version of the worst.

"That's it, I'm calling you father. I can't deal with this anymore, Brea, I can't!" Kaign stormed out of the bathroom, flailing his arms. I gasped when I heard mention of my Dad and hurriedly followed him.

"Kaign, you can't do that. Don't bring him into this, I'm fine," I argued.

Dylan entered the room after finishing his swim since he and Kaign did different morning workouts.

"Oh, Brea, you're awake," he commented, pulling out his earphones.

My eyes cut from him back to Kaign without a greeting. I was growing anxious, praying Kaign wouldn't really rat me out. The fear was that my father would overreact and send me somewhere to talk to someone until I got better. And by "better", I mean over Grayson.

Kaign paced furiously while he scrolled through his contacts for my father's number.

When he put the phone to his ear, I started to freak out. I let the hair at my temples from my tight grasp drop and fall into my face. Angrily, I flipped it out of the way and pointed my finger threateningly in Kaign's face.

"I'll tell him you're lying," I gritted. "he won't believe you."

Kaign looked at me with crazed eyes. "Grow up. I'm doing this for your own good, Breanna. You're not okay, and I can't give you the help you need."

"I don't need help, I'm fine! Why can't you see that? See, look, I'm smiling." I forced a grin on my puffy face and started hyperventilating.

"You're pale, weak, and haven't eaten real food in days," Kaign listed.

Finally, my father picked up and Kaign lunged to his bedroom. Right as I reached the door after him, he slammed it in my face and locked it so I couldn't get in.

"Damn it!" I exclaimed. My fist hit the door one hard time and then I kicked it. Kaign wouldn't budge and he walked away far enough to where I could no longer hear their conversation.

"Don't listen to him, Dad," I yelled. "I'm fine!"

My vision started to go and I felt woozy.

"Dad, don't... don't."

=====

Inaudible mumbles left my mouth as I started to wake up. It was dark in the barely recognizable room with the exception of a single warm lamp light on over my head.

"What the? Where am I?" I started to panic.

As soon as I sat up, though, a strong hand forced my head back down.

"Shh, shh," they silenced me. "It's just me."

I blinked my eyes open and saw him. "Dad?"

He nodded and continued stroking my hair but not for long as I swatted his hand away and sat upright on the couch.

"Are we home?"

He chuckled lightly. "We're back at my house, yes. How you feeling?"

"Better now. Why am I here, what happened? Where's Kaign?"

"Back at the hotel, relaxing, like you should be doing."

I shook my head after he didn't answer every question. So I repeated myself. "What happened-"

"You passed out," he told me standing. "let's finish this at the table, I made your favorites."

On my walk to the kitchen table, I noticed the time on the oven. 9:47 PM.

"Wow. I was out for a while," I noticed, sitting.

Dad agreed. "Must've been tired. Remember those dreams you used to have?"

I laughed a little. "Yeah, y'all couldn't wake me up. I couldn't wait to go to sleep just so I could dream."

"What did you used to dream about?"

"Everything, but nothing I can remember." I paused and bit my lip in thought. Toying with my long sleeves, I asked a random question. "Can I tell you what I dreamed about today, though?"

My father, Chandler, nodded his head so I could continue.

Looking into the darkness that enveloped the hallway behind my father, I sighed deeply before confessing. "I dreamed I was in Heaven," I told him with a sort of girlish hope in my tone.

Dad's head titled and he scratched his predominately grey beard. "Let's ask your mother what she thinks, you know she loves this sort of stuff."

I knew they maintained a relationship after their separation but I didn't think they were on good enough terms where he could call her in the evening and she'd pick up.

"Hello," she answered the call.

I stuffed my face with pasta while they exchanged small talk. All I said was "hi, Mom" before Dad took over and filled her in.

She was worried about me but I assured her she didn't need to do anything rash like come visit and cater to my every need as she volunteered to do. Though we were doing well now, I knew she just felt guilty and wanted to do it to prove she could be a good mother to me after all.

"Dreams about Heaven, hm?" She pondered. Dad and I looked at each other, curious as to what she'd come up with. She was no professional but she always had in interest in astrology, witch craft (black magic, burning sage, and tarot cards) , and dream interpretation.

"Fresh start. Dreams about Heaven, even for non-spiritual people such as yourself, can symbolize new beginnings. It signifies the phrase 'out with the old, in with the new.' This could point to you needing a change." She said all that but what I took away was that I needed clarity. And I'm going to get it...

== TO BE CONTINUED ==