Grayson Reid Jansen

KNOCK! KNOCK! I pounded on Leila's apartment door. Or so I thought.

"What?! Who the Hell are you, the damn FBI," a large white woman with curling rods in her brown hair roared in my face. The smell of cigarettes invaded my nose the second the door swung open.

"Uh-" I laughed. "Wrong apartment, ma'am. S-sorry."

She slammed the door shut in my face and I couldn't help but laugh at the encounter.

Leila must've moved, I thought in my head. Honestly I felt defeated. Now who am I gonna talk to?

"I live in three-forty-seven, num nuts, not three-forty-right," Leila said out of nowhere. She walked up from behind me with a laundry basket in her hands.

"I knew that," I played it off.

"You would if you ever came to see me sometime," she nagged.

As Leila struggled to unlock the door, I volunteered to hold her heavy basket of clean clothes.

They door opened and she let me come inside.

"Hungry? Thirsty? I finally went food shopping! Remember, you hated my vegan food options, so I bought some junk since we're friends now and we'll be hanging out," she talked so much.

Making myself right at home, I looked around the snack pantry and grabbed a pack of golden double stuffed Oreos.

"Thanks," I said back dryly, opening the pack.

I slid some to Leila who took a risk and ate it anyway. She admitted they were good while I sat on top of the counter and stuffed my face.

"So, what's up," she asked me in a chipper tone.

"LJ and I just got in a fight," I told her.

Leila hopped on the counter across from me and sat Indian style [unless that's offensive, then she sat criss-cross.]

Leila's hazel eyes rolled. "You'll be friends tomorrow, you guys always fight," she thought, waving it off as nothing serious.

I put my hand up so she could see my knuckles.

"You got in a fight?!" Her eyes bulged out of her head and she hopped down to get some ice for me.

My lips smacked at her worry. "Leila, it is not that serious," I laughed as she gave me a frozen bag of peas. She stood short in between my legs and pressed the ice onto my hand anyway. Looking up, she stared into my eyes until I looked away and cleared my throat. I playfully pushed her back and laughed it off.

"What happened?" She asked.

"He was talking about— never mind," I sighed. As bad as I needed to vent, I didn't want to ruin our friendship more by bringing up my ex.

Leila studied my face and wondered what was on my mind. "It's about Brea, isn't it?" I nodded in response to her question.

Leila sighed, too. She hopped back off the island and stuck her hand out for me to grab. When I did, I asked what she was doing.

Leila said "you don't have to talk about it right now. Let's go watch some movies and finish eating these cookies."

So, that's what we did.

When the movie ended, I sat up and ate the last cookie.

Leila burped and rated it a six.

"Nasty," I laughed, lying on my back on her twin bed. Small but we made it work on more than one occasion.

"What, did Brea never burp in front of you? God forbid you catch her doing something so natural," Leila mocked but I didn't find it funny.

My head shook. "It's not even like that. She would do stuff in front of me, it wasn't a big deal."

"You miss her a lot, huh?" My ex's tone went from sarcastic and playful to serious and curious.

I didn't say anything or make any gestures that time. The answer was an obvious yes. A lot.

Leila sat on her side and held her head up with the palm of her hand.

"You can talk about her now, it's fine." I know that wasn't easy for her to say so I appreciated it more than I verbally expressed.

"I just think that's rude," I said. "We said we'd be friends, let's do shit friends do. Breanna doesn't always have to be the topic of conversation."

"No," Leila agreed. "But your relationship with her is a big part of your life. Andddd it kinda affected mine. So, please? I genuinely wanna know. Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me!" Her silly persistence made me laugh a little.

I acted like I was still hesitant to bring Brea up but I wanted to talk about her. Why not, she's always on my mind? I wish I could tell everyone how great Brea is. How her hair always smelled like aloe and lavender and the way it was fluffy and perfectly flowed. How her smile and laugh were so beautifully bright and contagious. It made me smile and laugh right with her even when I wasn't in the mood. Or how she made me feel things no one else would ever even come close to making me feel - and not just sexually either. The way her deep voice was so soothing and could instantly calm me even if I was in the middle of a rage. The way I could lay on her chest and fall asleep to the sound of her heart beating. Or the way my heart would beat every time I saw her. I mean this is the girl who makes me hard just when I lay eyes on her — just when I THINK about her. Breanna's the same girl I would take a bullet for, yet I was crying about her instead of being with her because — like everything else in my life — I fucked up.

Leila put her hand on my chest for support. She started doing this tracing thing along my skin that Brea would do to my abs and back, only the same effect wasn't there. I rolled over so Leila was no longer touching me, I didn't to lead her on.

"I just love her so much," I breathed out. "And I keep asking myself if I can even say that because I cheated. I lied and slept with someone else - that's not love. Then, I think about all my feelings for her and I think: that has to be love. I thought for a while in the beginning that it was just lust but then I found myself getting jealous and getting more comfortable with her. That's when I knew I was in trouble, when I realized I couldn't live without her. The thought of her with someone else actually makes me sick to my stomach. And I know how selfless and hypocritical that sounds. I know it's not possible but I wish there was a time machine I could use to go back and stop myself before I-"

"Cheated?"

"Yeah, that. The worst thing is, I don't even know why I did it. Brea gives — gave — me everything. And I can't help but think about how that made her feel, like she wasn't good enough. But she is! She is and I went a did something so stupid that probably made her feel so insecure and dumb. All she ever did was make me happy. I thought I was myself with Brea but I wasn't-"

"Then who were you," Leila asked slowly, trying to comprehend.

"That's the thing, I wasn't myself! I wasn't the Grayson everyone knew - a womanizer, standoffish, cocky. I was so much more with a her — a man. She made me a man. I wasn't selfish with her o-or impatient."

"Wow. I wish I had that effect on you," Leila sassed.

I sucked my teeth at her irrelevant comment.

Leila asked "well, how didn't it work between you two? I mean... other than the cheating?"

"We were never meant to be, I think. She always swore she wasn't ready because she thought I would hurt her, but her saying she didn't want to make it official gave me the green light to do what I wanted. Looking back, I should've just stayed loyal even if we didn't have a title; I knew what we were. And I'm sure if I wasn't sleeping around, she would've took me seriously. It's just a whole toxic circle."

"At least you're self-aware, that counts for something, right?"

"Shit, I guess." I vibrated my lips and checked the time. Seeing how late it was, I ran my palms down my tired face.

"Grayson, can I be honest with you?"

"Sure. I'm scared," I joked, not realizing my hand fell to her thigh.

Leila squeezed my hand and straddled my lap, leaving me speechless. I'm sure my facial expression translated how confused I was by her sudden moves.

Leila put her forehead mine and breathed out deeply.

"From a woman's point of view, on paper, you're perfect. I mean, you do it all, you have it all. You're a girl's dream guy. What I'm saying here is, it's not hard to imagine why she kept coming back, I know I would've."

"Leila, I'm sorry we didn't work. If I was younger and not in love with Brea, we could've-"

Leila pressed her lips against mine. "What're you doing-" I asked her, confused. I ripped my hands off of her body so things wouldn't go any further.

Leila grabbed my hands and firmly put them back at her hips like she meant it.,

"But don't I deserve a happily ever after, too? You are my dream man and I can't have you? It's not fair. And now you torture me with this 'let's be friends' bullshit. Gray, I still want you."

"Uhhh," I didn't know what else to say. I nervously slid off of her bed and stood in the dark corner.

"No, you don't, Leila. You want the idea of me. Yeah, the idea. I'm not a good guy, Leila. After all that I just said, you don't know this?"

"Oh, I don't care about that. I'm not asking to be in a relationship, just fuck me, Grayson." She crawled over and yanked my pants down.

"Leila!" I yelled, banging my head against the wall. "Nooo, Leila, stop." I gritted.

My inner voices — the good Angel on my right shoulder versus the devil on my left — started to debate.
Am I really turning down head right now, I asked myself in my head. Shit, I guess I am. Never thought I'd see the day...

She looked up at me and gave a devilish grin. "I don't think you want me to stop," she sang.

I looked down at my erection and facepalmed. "Well, I can't control that." I sweated and tried wiggling away but she crawled after me.

Leila used her strength to push me back down on the bed and got on top of me.

She rolled down my body and tried peeling down my briefs as I gripped onto them for dear life to stay on.

"Leila! Bad girl, no! Bad Leila. Bad!" I had to talk to her like a dog and push her head away. Finally, she got the hint and pouted, throwing a fit.

"It's not fair! It's always Brea, Brea, Brea! What about me? Why can't we just be, I dunno, friends with benefits?"

I looked down at Leila as I stood and stopped pacing. I buckled my pants and sighed. It was pathetic, she was so desperate and I felt like it was my fault. Her desperation just reminded me how young and immature she was - not that that's a problem.

"Leila, get up. Look at yourself."

"No!" She cried.

"No, for real, look at yourself. Get up," I said calmly and hoisted her easily back onto her feet.

She sniffled and sat on the edge of the bed beside me. I blew air from my mouth and put my sweaty palms on my knee caps.

"Am I not good enough?" That was the exact question I dreaded coming from any woman.

"Shut up, it's not you. You're more than enough. It's me. Hey, what're you, twenty?" I struggled to remember her age.

"Twenty, yes," she grumbled.

"We're just a different places in our lives," I tried explaining.

"You're not that much older than me," she quipped.

"No, but you're not even twenty-one. A lot can happen in a year — or two. Sure, you're grown, you have your own place, but you're still-"

"Childish? My exes said that, too."

"Not what I was going to say. You're just getting out there, this is your prime. Go crazy, fuck who you want."

"Just not you, right?"

I hung my head. She just wasn't getting past that part.

After wetting my lips, I said "You're looking for sex with no strings attached. And I... I want a wife. My wife. I want my wife. Get it?"

Leila sniffled. "Yeah, I get it. Just sucks that I can't be her."

I tried smiling and rubbing her back.

"Leila?" A couple, who I'm assuming are her parents, came in suddenly. They flipped on the lights and looked anything but happy to see me at that time.

"Mommy, Daddy? What're you doing here," asked Leila who was just as shocked as me.

Their eyes didn't look away from me even as they spoke to their only daughter. "We just landed and your door was unlocked," her father said.

"Is this the Grayson boy we were supposed to meet," asked Mrs.Adams.

"Man," I lowly corrected her.

"Yes, but it's okay. We're not together anymore," Leila let them know and I swear I saw them both get physically relieved.

"I was just leaving. G'Night, Leila." I shuffled past them all.

"Well excuse us for being rude, you don't have to go. Perhaps we can have breakfast together?" Her mother suggested.

I hesitated but said "sure." Leila grew excited as did the parents.

Right as I reached for the door knob, I stopped in my place and turned back to Leila. I'm sure she thought what I was thinking in that moment, too.

Remember what we just talked about, I talked to myself in my head again. I don't want Leila, she is not — and will never be — Brea.

Time to start saying no. I got myself in this situation before. NOT again...

"On second thought, no. No, I can't have breakfast with you all. Sorry, Leila," I let out.

Leila smiled warmly, her cheeks red. "Don't be." If I didn't know any better, I'd say she looked happy for me. Hell, I was happy for me.

Point for Grayson! I gave myself a pat on the back.