Breanna Michelle Santana

"I gotta say, I knew you'd pick me over him again-"

"You need to leave. First thing in the morning, I need you outta here." I bursted Kaign's bubble as soon as we got inside of the house after the incident with Grayson.

"What? I'm confused, I thought we were getting back together?"

"You. Thought. Wrong. Please, don't make this harder than it has to be, Kaign."

"Brea, I love you."

"Who are you trying to convince, me or yourself?" I saw Kaign gulp and his eyes became glossy. If I cried I didn't know what I'd do.

"Is this a bad time," my mother walked in at the wrong time, in fact. I shook my head and she took the hint to leave but not before asking if we could have a talk later to which I agreed.

I wasn't angry or upset, not even disappointed, I just really want Kaign gone because we could never be together again so it was no use in leading him on.

"Can't we talk about this?"

"We've done enough talking, we talk too much. All we do is talk. Enough is enough, I want you gone and if you don't leave, I can get my dad to handle this." I threatened him. It would bring my father a lot of joy to get rid of Kaign, he'd consider it "taking out the trash".

"What is it, Brea? Why didn't we work?" Kaign asked me.

To that, I had to reply with the truth. "We don't love each other."

"I do love you, Brea," he said, making me look at him blankly. He continued to say,"just not in that way." It was no surprise, I knew it all along. Just wish we could've gotten to that conclusion a long time ago.

I nod my head. "Do you love Dylan?"

Kaign nodded his head, too. "Do you hate me?" I had no idea where that question came from.

In response, I shake my pounding head. "Have you told him?" I asked.

"I don't think he's into me." Kaign frowned, hanging his big head.

"You'll never know if you don't ask, but trust me, he is. I see how he looks at you."

"We have too much history, he'll probably turn me down."

I put my warm hand on his and looked deep into his eyes so he knew I was being sincere. "You miss one hundred percent of the shots you don't take." That was advice my father had given me a long time ago.

"What does that mean?" He asked me to elaborate which I gladly did.

"It just means that if you don't try then you'll never have the opportunity to know what could be. Why didn't you just tell me, Kaign? Why'd you keep this up for a year?" That was the million dollar question.

He shrugged like he didn't have an answer but he knew. "I thought I could learn to love you."

"Is there something wrong with me?"

"No."

I nod my head again. "How'd you know?" I questioned him more.

"I didn't, but you never wore your promise ring so I just thought you were seeing someone else." At the mention of the promise ring, I looked down at the one still on my finger and twisted my mouth.

Kaign's eyes start to water and he pulled his thin, cracked lips into his mouth. He started to rock back and forth and put his fist into his other hand then brought it to his mouth to bite his knuckle and mute the cries. "It's just that-" he broke down.

"Shh, shh, shh. It's okay." I told him, taking his body close to me for comfort. I stroked his head and swayed gently.

In truth, it wasn't "okay" but I wasn't going to say that and make him feel worse.

"No it's not! What is my dad going to say?"

"Kaign you are almost twenty-four years old. It's 2019. It doesn't really matter what he says, you're grown, and if he loves you, he'll come around and accept it." I gave him some consoling words but they seemed to fly over his head.

"I wish it was that easy," he sobbed, backing away from me.

"Me too," I cooed,"me too".

There was a moment of silence - well, with the exception of Kaign's sniffles.

I started to laugh.

"What?" Asked Kaign, looking at me like I had three heads.

"I'm just relieved, that's all." I spoke up.

"Why?"

"Our whole relationship, I thought I was the problem. I thought, because of you, something was wrong with me."

"Well you surely didn't make it easy to love you." Kaign jabbered.

I didn't like that. In fact, it kinda hurt. Right when I was feeling better, he put me down again.

"Pack your bags, I'll let my dad know you're leaving town. Good luck with everything, I hope you find what you're looking for." I stood to leave.

"You, too, Brea. I really do love you," he said,"friends?"

I ignored the hand he stuck out for me to shake and opened the sliding glass door. "Yeah," I said opening the door,"friends."

======

"Bye. Thanks for coming," I waved,"bye, thanks for coming. See ya."

At long last, the party died down and everyone was gone. Well, everyone except for Grayson who was still out back with my father, my mother, and Kaign who was upstairs packing with Dylan.

I kept feeling stupid, thinking how I should've known better. Kaign was gay. How did I not see it before, I asked myself in my head.
Shaking my head, I started to clean up the backyard. Every once in a while I'd look up to see if Grayson was looking at me but he never was. He must've really been pissed at me. I guess I really did fuck up.

"H-hey, Brea." My mother's voice rang.

"Oh, hey." I spoke back shyly, picking up paper plates from the table.

She started to help, tossing them in the trash behind her.

"Thanks." I said dryly. "So, what did you wanna talk about, is it Steve?"

"No, it's not Steve. He's good, though, he says hi."

"Hey, Steve. What do you wanna talk about then?"

"Come inside, I'll have your dad get this." She put her hand on my back and led me inside where we took to the family room and sat on the couch.

"So..." I patted my thighs, looking around the room awkwardly like I've never been in there before.

"We don't talk as much as I'd like us to but I still want to be involved in your life." She said.

I saw what she was getting at. "Okay. My life or my love life?"

"You caught me. So, what's up? Who were those guys?"

"My ex, Kaign, and his... 'best friend'. Nobodies anymore. Why, how much did you hear?"

"I heard enough. You'll have to forgive me for eavesdropping."

I couldn't help but giggle lightly. "Alright, what do you know?"

"I know that you didn't want him here and now I see why. He's gay. Let me guess, the friend's his partner?"

"No, but might as well be."

"Was I right, you didn't want him here?"

"We broke up right before I came. He was too controlling, never paid attention to me. You know, the regular toxic relationship bullshit."

"Oh. I have to get used to you cursing around me." My mother jerked, holding her chest.

"Sorry."

"I'm not. I'm glad it's over. Like, really over. It's time to move on. It just really sucks."

"It's okay to cry, you know? Let it out."

"I'm not going to cry." I shook my head. "I'm fine."

My mother gave me one of those psychologist stares and I broke down. The tears burned my cheeks and streamed down fast and relentlessly.

It had been a while since I felt that type of hurt except this time it was because I genuinely felt not good enough. I wondered if I'd ever find love. For some reason, it felt like I was running out of time and like I had no options.

"Can I hold you?" She asked for consent to rock me in her arms.

I hesitated but slowly fell into her lap, weeping like a baby.

She began to comb her fingers through my hair and tell me everything was going to be okay. Only, I didn't think everything would be okay and if it was, it would take a while to get there, maybe even forever.

======

Despite not having talked to my mother in years before that, I felt close to her. It was nice to be in her arms, I missed out on all that as a child. She was never the affectionate type, I guess that's why I hated clinginess and sometimes lacked empathy. While my father did an exceptional job raising me, he could never give me what a daughter needed from a mother.

I wiped my puffy eyes as my mom went to leave. She started her car and got back out just to hug me one last time. It felt nice but was king overdue.

"Don't be a stranger, okay? You're welcome at my house anytime, you don't even have to call first." I nodded my head and sniffled.

"I love you." She said confidently and pulled my body close to hers for a squeeze.

When she let me go, I said it back. "I love you."

"Goodnight, Brea. Tell your father to send that boy home and clean up!" She couldn't help but take a shot at her ex-husband before leaving.

Shaking my aching head, I laughed waved as she reversed out of the driveway.

BEEP! BEEP! She honked and was on her way.

Finally, everyone was gone. Or so I thought...

"—-Hahahaha," I heard two men laughing together. From the darkness, my father and Grayson emerged. At the sight of me, Grayson's grin wiped away instantly. I frowned and started to walk away but was stopped.

"Grayson, can you go inside and get some trash bags, please? They should be in the utility room or under the kitchen sink." My dad asked of his younger friend.

"Sure," Grayson replied, leaving my father's side. "Excuse me," he said to me politely to get past and go inside of the house.
I couldn't help but look as he walked away and get sad.

"When were you going to tell me about you two?" Asked my father.

"Eventually. Never. I don't know." I admitted. The truth was out, there was no sense in deflecting it.

My dad sighed. "I'm disappointed, I didn't know we kept secrets, let alone lied to each other."

"It's complicated, dad."

"That's what he said. Where's Kaign, I wanna make sure they don't have another fight-"

"You don't have to worry about Kaign. He's leaving first thing in the morning, we're done. Should've never started." I mumbled the last part.

"Good. I was this close to beating his ass. Is it true, is he homosexual?"

"Just gay is fine, dad. And yes, it's true."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"Hey, I don't wanna dig in your love life but, I think you should talk to Grayson." My dad suggested and I agreed so we walked together inside where Grayson was in the kitchen, smiling down at his phone.

Must be that other woman, I thought, making myself angry.

The three of us weren't saying anything yet when Kaign and Dylan came downstairs happily holding hands.

Ouch. It sucked to see him happy, I couldn't lie. I wasn't jealous, it just hurt that he moved on so fast and flaunted it in my face in my own home.

They had their bags by their sides at the end of the staircase, grins plastered on their blushing faces.

"We decided to leave tonight." Said Kaign proudly.

"Great. I'll take you to your flight-"

"Not necessary. We're driving; gonna rent something and hit the road. There's a lot to see, between Oregon and Florida, that we missed."

"I think he's only in it for the Instagram pics." Dylan joked, making his new lover laugh a laugh I'd never heard before.

I started fuming internally and felt Grayson and my father's eyes on me so I tried to keep my cool which only worked if I stayed quiet.

"Thanks for having us, Mr.Santana." Dylan shook my dad's hand.

"Yeah, thanks. You too, Brea. For everything. Oh and Grayson, take care of her." Kaign gave advice as if he actually gave a fuck about me.

Grayson remained cordial and accepted the handshake as well.

"Well, we're off. Bye everyone. Brea." Kaign waved, rolling a suitcase across the dark hardwood floor.

When they reached the front door, Kaign walked through it but Dylan stopped and looked back at me. He shot me this look of sadness. Like he was actually sad about taking Kaign from me and for a second, I almost believed him. I just forced a forgiving look and shrugged my shoulders. With a wave, he shut the door and that was it.

"I'm going out, I have a date tonight so don't wait up. See you on Monday, Grayson." My dad grabbed his coat, wallet, and keys before tiptoeing out of the house.

I listened for his car to start and once it did, it didn't take long for him to pull out of the driveway and speed down the road.

I went over to lock the door and told Grayson to make himself at home.

"Well, good night, I'm going to bed." I avoided eye contact and stomped up the stairs and into my bedroom.

After a self-loathing shower with the musical stylings of Harry Styles, I put on a t-shirt and some spandex shorts as nightclothes.

Once I applied some moisturizer on my face and brushed my hair out, I hit the lights and leapt into bed.

The tv wasn't on as I just wanted to listen to soft music.

The ceiling fan was on it's highest setting, making the room cold which made me feel lonely because when it was cold I wanted to cuddle but had no one to do so with.

All of a sudden, the door creaked open and let someone in. The light was minimal but allowed me to make out who was there. Grayson, of course.

He shut the door so the room went completely dark again with the exception of the streak of moonlight from the open window that glistened across my body in bed.

No words were said, he just eased into bed and laid next to me, unsure of whether to touch me or not. Truthfully, I would've been just okay with his presence.

I rolled over and curled up under his warm body, my hand and head on his chest. Hearing his heart beat made me smile on the inside.

Lonely, and honestly desperate for him, I sat up, threw my leg over his lap to straddle him and peeled my shirt off only to throw it across the floor.  Grayson's touch shocked me as he put his hands on my hips. He sat up and pulled his shirt over his head and threw it into the carpeted floor, too. We met in the middle to lock lips and shared a passionate kiss, the sound of our lips smacking filled the room like music to my ears - I loved the sound.

I started to grind on him but that didn't last long. Being the man he was, who liked to be in charge, he flipped me over and laid me on my back only to kiss me all over and strip me of my shorts that I wore no panties with.

As ready as I was to take him into my mouth, Grayson surprised me with the opposite. Unselfishly, he went down with intent like he was doing it because he had to and not just that, he wanted to like he knew it would make me feel better in every way.

======

"I wish you would've tried harder, to get me. Things would've been so different. I wonder if we even would be together now if we dated in college." My words came across like it was random but I had been thinking about that for a while.

Grayson pulled my naked body towards his as if we could get any closer and asked why I was  talking crazy.

I looked up at him and inhaled deeply.  "You saw how things went down between Kaign and I."

"How do you feel?"

"I don't care." That was a lie.

"You don't care?"

I shook my head. "It was over before it even started. We never felt anything for each other. You know, I only dated him to make you jealous and that didn't even work. I think that's why I started to hate you-"

"You hated me?" That was news to Grayson, I never told him that.

"After the game, you know the one, that was the last time we ever talked. I told you he loved me and I showed you the ring. I guess I wanted you to object," I laugh,"or something. But you didn't, so. Now look where we are." The talking only made it worse. I was sad all over again and didn't want to be touched anymore. I rolled over and turned the music off. Without saying another word, not even a "good night", I went to sleep and hoped he'd get the hint to leave me by my lonesome.