"Ok where to?" I asked after we walked onto the sidewalk from the Murphy's. "Food Lion, Walmart?"

Evan looked at me in shock, "Wait... You actually remembered the blinking technique?"

I rolled my eyes, "Duh! It wasn't that long ago."

Evan looked down at his feet, "Y-yeah, I know, it's just... you act like you don't remember anything from before high school..."

That got my attention. Because it was true. Once highschool started, I tried to forget about middle school and anything about it, in hopes that I'll become more popular again. I'd tell people heroic stories of how I caught someone who fell off a swing in 5th grade, while they would tell embarrassing middle school stories.

I always wanted to climb higher on the popularity charts. I was good in elementary school, the whole class would be my friend, but in middle school, I started shying away a little and sticking by Evan's side. At first, I didn't care too much, but then I saw how all the popular kids were treated, and I realized I wanted to be one.

So high school was like a new start for me. Sure, most of the other freshman there had an idea of who I was, but I had a whole summer to change. I wasn't the Jared Kleinman they thought they knew. At least, not in my mind.

I should've known that becoming popular wasn't going to happen. It should've been evident way before freshman year ended. But I didn't notice.

Once sophomore year started, I started picking up on trends. Evan had no friends. I hung around Evan. In my sophomore brain, I came up with the conclusion that the reason I wasn't popular was Evan.

So I stopped hanging around him. I would come up with excuses not to hang out and would make fun of him in the halls when other people were around. It hurt at first, it really did, trying to put my only real friend in the past. But, I got used to it.

I got used to trying not to be Evan's friend.

I took a deep breath in and sighed. "Yeah, you're right." Was all I said.

We walked in silence into Food Lion, the tension hanging between us unbearable.

"Ok so um," Evan said, breaking the silence and looking down at his phone, "There's a lot of stuff on this list."

"Of course there is, this is Alana we're talking about." I said, and Evan laughed. "You think we should divide and conquer?"

Evan shook his head, "No it's fine."

I leaned closer to him, smirked, and said, "You just wanna spend time alone with me, don't you Evan?"

Evan's face went pink, but he still managed to respond. "W-well, we're in a g-grocery store s-so we're not actually alone."

I laughed, despite Evan's obvious discomfort. Or comfort. The world may never know.

We walked over to the carts and Evan picked up a basket.

"A basket?" I asked mocking, "What are you, an elder?"

"Hey I'm sorry! It's not my fault my mom's old school." He said in response, smiling.

We walked to the snack aisle and Evan threw a couple things in the basket quietly. To break the silence, I said, "I'm surprised I'm not in this aisle."

Evan rolled his eyes, but his face still flushed a little pink.

"Why did you even bring me here?" I asked as we moved on to the fridge aisle to get popsicles. "I mean, you're doing all the work."

Evan shrugged. "I don't like going to big places like these alone. Too many people."

"I'm a person too you realize?" I joked.

Evan didn't laugh, though. "Yeah but you're my favorite person."

I smiled wide, feeling my face heat up and happiness swelling up inside of me. Not only because of his words, but also because of the memory associated with them.

I took me about 3 awkward seconds to try contain myself before muffling out a quiet " You're my favorite person, too. "

Evan didn't hear it.

God, I am a mess. Was it just me or is it like really hot in here? It's probably just me, I'm pretty hot.

We walked passed a little shelf with cheerleader pom-poms on it, and I grabbed Evan's shoulder. "These are perfect!" I said, picking up the pom-poms and putting them in the basket.

"What the hell?" Evan mumbled.

"You'll see."

We went to checkout, and, of course I paid for my pom-poms.

"I can carry the bags." I said to Evan as we left the store.

"No it's fine." I swear, can this boy say anything other than "It's fine"?

"Lemme rephrase that." I said, taking the bags out of Evan's hands. "I am carrying the bags."

Evan sighed, but let me carry the bags.

Once again we were walking in silence.

I decided to bring the topic of Halloween costumes back up, "You're not really gonna dress up, are you?"

He sighed again, "No, probably not."

"Even when there's a dance?"

He shrugged, "Why prepare this huge-ass costume when I could just go as myself?"

"Because it's like super fun?" I prompted .

Evan shook his head, "Not when every costume you try to make ends in failure and the popular kids laughing at you."

I flash backed to one time last year when Evan had attempted to get back into the Halloween spirit. He had dressed like a ghost, which I thought was the easiest costume ever. I laughed at him.

"Evan can you answer that question?" I asked, breaking my own thoughts.

"What question?" He asked, obviously curious.

"Why?" I said, not willing to meet his eye, "Why do you love me? I was an asshole to you and what, you just decide to forget about that?"

Evan sighed again. Why does this dude sigh so much? "No, I didn't forget it." He said, " But, you have to remember, Jared, I've known you since you were 3. I know you. You never had to tell me any of your secrets, because I knew them already. I can read you like a dyslexic kid can read an open book. "

"That's not a promising metaphor." I replied, sending him a small smile.

"One, it's a simile." He said, looking back at me, "And two, I mean, like I would say I could read you like an open book, but I can't. I can understand some key factors to you that I feel like others can't, can't for other, littler things about you. It's confusing."

"I still don't understand..." I said quietly. "This doesn't really answer my question..?"

"I understand you. Sometimes, at least. I know you didn't make fun of me because, out if no where you decided 'hey i don't like this Evan Hansen kid.'. No. I know you wanted more friends and I completely understood that. That's why I just kinda let it happen..."

I was going to say something, but he continued before I could. "I admire you ambition. Nothing gets in Jared's way without Jared's permission. You would go after what ever you want, and if that meant pushing me out of the way... that was fine by me. Not only that, but we have so many memories together, happy and sad. Ones that remind me of who we are. Memories from before we had this plastic shell on our souls, dimming who we really are. Memories of us laughing like popularity didn't matter..."

I didn't know what to make of this. Evan wasn't really the kind to speak, and now he was speaking out his entire soul. It was kinda overwhelming.

"And... You're so funny..." He continued, starting to trail off a bit. "Sometimes your jokes are plain stupid, but I can't help smiling at them. Maybe it's your charm or... I don't know, but it's like I physically can't not laugh at things you say... It's crazy."

Part of me wanted Evan to stop so I wouldn't start fucking crying. But then again, what he was saying made my heart hurt. In a good way.

"You and I have a lot of things Zoe and I never had." Oh great, now he's bringing Zoe into this. "We have a history. A good history. A history I love to re-live, but also a history I want to see be put in the past. A history that inspires me to keep going."

"What... What are you saying?" I asked, tearing up a bit.

"I don't know this whole speech has been all over the place but... I guess what I'm trying to say, Jared is... um... I don't think I'd be here without you."

I stopped. I just... stopped. I stopped moving, my breath hitched, and my heart slowed.

Everything just stopped.

I wasn't even thinking.

After everything I did, I don't understand how Evan can feel the way he does.

It didn't make sense.

I felt weight being lifted off my shoulders as Evan took the bags from me.

I didn't even realize where we were until Evan said, "See you tomorrow." quietly, before walking into his house, leaving me to stand in confused silence.

---

Wow Evan's pretty bi.

Published: 8/4/19
Word Count: 1548