I can tell a thing or two about love. No, let me rephrase that. I can tell you a lot about love. I have been in love a few times now, and they all have two things in common: they were all hidden and they were unrequited. Isa lang ang kinahahantungan ng mga love story ko. Hindi sila nagtatapos nang masaya.

Hindi ko alam kung sumpa na ba sa akin iyon. Palagi akong umaasa na may magandang kahahantungan ang buhay pag-ibig ko, pero ang malas ko lang siguro talaga. Hindi na nga nagsimula sa 'once upon a time', hindi pa nagtapos sa happy ending.

Ako iyong taong tinatawag nilang hopeless romantic. Ako 'yong naniniwala sa one great love, serendipity, true love's kiss, love at first sight—Yes, I know. I'm pathetic. Ako 'yung tao na gustong-gustong magmahal at maranasang mahalin pero takot sumugal at masaktan.

That one sweet love that Sara Bareilles had been singing about? Naranasan ko na yan. Once. And I don't think I will have the privilege to experience it again. One sweet love lang nga, di ba? Parang bulalakaw lang. It falls and then it's there no more.

Parang s'ya. I had my one shot at my one great love pero iniwasan ko dahil takot ako. At hanggang ngayon pinagsisisihan ko pa rin 'yon. Pero ano nga naman ang magagawa ko? Wala na, e. Pag-aari na s'ya ng iba.

Minsan may mga bagay talagang hindi para sa atin. Ipapakita lang sa 'yo. Hahayaan ka lang mangarap pero hinding-hindi mo naman makukuha. May mga tao rin na darating sa buhay mo para lang maranasan mo kung gaano ka kasaya kapag nandyan sila, tapos saka sila kukunin sa 'yo.

There are those who just happen to cross our paths. It does not mean that they would stay. For all we know, they just came by to steal our hearts away without intending to give theirs in return. In short, dumaan lang sila para masaktan tayo. Hindi man nila sinadya, nasaktan pa rin tayo.

It was almost four years ago when I've experienced that. It was the time when I thought that life was actually perfect. It was then that I had allowed my heart to feel this stupid feeling they call love.

Nagsimula ang lahat dahil sa pagkahumaling ko sa isa kong kaklase. Gwapo s'ya, maingay and he seemed to get all the attention. I could name a few of my classmates who also had a crush on him. Okay na sana, e. Crush lang naman. Pero s'yempre, sino ba naman ako para matapunan man lang nya ng tingin?

Of course, he didn't like me back. May gusto s'yang iba. 'Yong kaklase kong maganda at palaging nakangiti. Masisisi ko ba s'ya kung doon s'ya nahulog? Sabi ko sa sarili ko, kailangan ko na yatang humanap ng diversion. Para lang hindi masyadong masakit kung maging sila nung crush ko at nung girl na crush nya.

Now that I think back about it, 'yon lang ang panahon na naghanap ako ng diversion. Akalain mo nga naman... nalihis ng tuluyan ang pagtingin ko sa kanya. Naghanap ako noon among my guy classmates kung sino ang passable enough para maging diversion.

And then my eyes landed on his. Yes, I met his gaze. Nagkatinginan kami. At that very moment, I caught him looking at me. I shrugged it off dahil wala akong gusto sa kanya kahit pa halos kalahati ng klase namin ang may gusto sa kanya.

Naalala ko nga noong unang araw ng klase namin, s'ya 'yong pinakang-inintriga. May umamin pa nga sa kanya, on the first day, na crush sya nito, e. Pero 'yon nga, wala syang appeal sa 'kin. Well, until that day, that is.

Since then, I started to steal glances at him. Panakaw na tingin lang and I made sure na hindi n'ya ako mahuhuli. Nahihiya ako sa sarili ko kapag nahuhuli akong nakatingin sa kahit na sinong lalaki. Feeling ko kase, feeling nila na may crush ako sa kanila... kahit wala.

He piqued my interest. He was mysterious. He was quiet. He was different. Pero magbabakasyon na noon. Naisip ko na siguro mawawala rin 'yon agad.

Summer came. And then, the next school year...

Noong nakita ko s'ya the first time that school year during enrollment, may naramdaman akong kakaiba. Na para bang sobrang tuwa na ewan. Yung butterflies, yung kilig? Nandoon. I tried so hard to control my heart because frankly, just the thought of him being around school made me ecstatic. Sobrang saya ko na parang wala nang bukas.

When school officially started, I was surprised with myself. Noong first year ako, sobrang tamad kong pumasok. Nagka-cutting ako every other day. May isang subject pa nga na isang beses sa dalawang linggo ko lang pinapasukan dahil naiirita ako sa teacher.

Pero... simula noong may maramdaman akong kakaiba towards him, naging bearable ang mga klase ko, if not enjoyable. I found myself staying until the last minute. I was happy I was there in the same room with him. I was also so eager to go to school na sobrang aga ko na ngang pumasok. At sa hapon naman, I was so hesitant to leave.

Tinamaan na nga yata ako. Tinamaan ng magaling. Kahit ayaw ko, hindi ko napigilan ang sarili kong mahulog sa kanya. Kahit pala talaga ano'ng gawin mo, kapag tinamaan ka, walang remedy. Ang tanging magagawa mo na lang ay i-enjoy ang feeling.

Ang kaso hindi ako masaya. I mean, masaya ako—elated pa nga—I just don't like being that happy. And I also don't like liking someone dahil lumiliit ang mundo ko. Ayaw and at the same time, gusto ko na nakikita ko s'ya. Gusto kong nasa paligid lang s'ya pero naiirita ako kapag nandyan s'ya dahil nababalisa ako.

Ayaw na ayaw kong babatiin nya ako ng good morning o ngingitian. Ayoko. Dahil nagdudulot lang 'yon ng matinding kaba, kaba na may kasamang pag-asa. Dahil pinipilit n'ya akong kausapin araw-araw, natutunan ng puso kong umasa.

Umasa ako na baka may gusto rin s'ya sa 'kin, na baka ganun kaya s'ya nag-i-effort.

Sinimulan ko s'yang iwasan. Maramdaman ko pa lamang na kakausapin n'ya ako, I would look the other way. I would not sit near him. I would pretend to be asleep just so he would leave me alone. Nanghihinayang ako sa pagkakataon pero ayokong mahalata n'ya na gusto ko s'ya... hindi lang bilang kaibigan.

He kept his distance and I thanked him for that. Noong hindi n'ya ako malapitan sa personal, sa online naman nya ako pinilit kausapin. He introduced me to this site called Facebook. I even faked my age just so I could join.

He added me and I was overjoyed. That mere gesture supplied my happiness for a week. Pinagbigyan ko ang sarili ko na sumaya kahit isang linggo lang. Hayaan na ang ganito. Palihim magmahal para kung masaktan man, palihim pa rin.

Akala ko noon, ga-graduate akong walang nakakaalam na nagkagusto ako sa kanya. Hindi pala. One of my closest friends back then saw through me. Ako kase iyong tao na hindi tumitingin sa gusto ko. Ako 'yung todo iwas sa taong gusto ko. It just so happened that when he entered the room one time, nag-iwas agad ako ng tingin. Perfect timing naman ang friend ko noon na nakatingin lang sa 'kin at nag-aabang.

Of course, it didn't stay a secret between us. Nalaman din ng isa kong kaibigan but fortunately, hindi nila ipinagkalat. Dalawa pa sa classmates ko ang nakahalata. Iyong isa, she found it odd that I hated my crush's guts. May pagkamayabang kasi s'ya pero hindi naman sobra. He once helped our group with one task and I hated the fact that he had to help. Ayokong nagmumukha akong tanga.

Pero totoo pala 'yung sabi nila na the more you hate... never mind. I was not ready yet to admit that I was in love with him. Inantay kong mawala 'yong feeling o kahit mabawasan man lang pero... lalo pang lumalim. There were times that I would often daydream about him, about us. My future was so clear with him there. Parang isang straight line. Alam ko na kung saan ako nararapat pumunta.

Pero kaya nga dream, 'di ba? Pangarap. Hanggang pangarap na lang.

When our graduation came, which was in second year given na ladderized ang course namin, I got the biggest shock of my life. On the day itself, I heard rumors that he already has a girlfriend. My friends confirmed it. Sinagot s'ya noong babae the day before.

I felt betrayed somehow. Bakit kailangan n'ya pa akong lapit-lapitan when all this time, may iba syang nililigawan? But then I had to remind myself na kasalanan ko rin naman. Bakit ba kase ako nag-assume? He didn't commit to anything. He didn't say that he's in love with me, too. Ako lang naman ang umasa. Bakit ako magagalit?

Sa isang iglap, lumabo ulit ang hinaharap ko. Every time I would think of my future, palaging sumasagi sa isip ko ang isang picture na parang may tinanggal na mukha. Malabo. Magulo. Parang nawalan ng direksyon ang buhay ko.

Nang magising ako kinabukasan, nakasulat ako ng mga sampung tula. Alas kwatro ng madaling araw 'yon. Bandang alas sais ng umaga, parang nakahinga ako ng maluwag. Parang nailabas ko na ang lahat ng sakit. Parang... wala na.

Nang dumating ang pangatlong taon ko sa college, isang himala na siguro at swerteng maituturing na napalipat ako ng section. At least, hindi ko na masyadong mararamdaman 'yung sakit dahil hindi ko na s'ya madalas makikita.

Masaya ang klaseng nalipatan ko and I learned to open up a bit more to my classmates. Hindi na ako 'yong emo na palaging nasa gilid ng classroom at may nakapasak na earphones sa tigkabilang tainga. Sa klaseng nalipatan ko, masaya ako. Kaibigan ko ang lahat, mapalalaki man o babae.

One time, I opened my secret book and started re-reading the entries there. Simula roon sa pagkahumaling ko sa isa kong classmate hanggang sa paglipat noong feelings ko sa kanya, nandoon lahat. And when I saw the last entry, I began wondering. Halos isang taon ang nakalipas mula noong huli kong sulat.

Pinakiramdaman ko ang sarili ko.... at nagsimula ulit akong sumulat.

Makalipas pala ang isang taon, hindi pa rin talaga nawala ang feelings ko para sa kanya. Nandoon pa rin lahat. Pilit ko lang itinatago. Pinaniwala ko lang pala ang sarili ko na wala na... baka sakali kasing maging masaya na rin ako.

Nang makatuntong ako sa huling taon ko sa kolehiyo, doon ko lang naramdaman na wala na talaga. Kaya ko na s'yang tingnan sa mata at kausapin. Hindi ko na s'ya gusto pero syempre nanghihinayang ako.

Sobra-sobrang panghihinayang.

I started having these what ifs. What if I talked to him? What if I tried to be brave enough? What if I didn't stop the feeling? Will anything change?

Pero nandun na, e. Wala na akong magagawa. I already let go of the best. The sad part is, hindi ko s'ya binitawan dahil nakakita ako ng akala ko'y mas higit pa. I let him go without even having him in the first place because I was scared.

I was so scared for my dear life. What if I took the bait pero hindi naman pala kami talaga? Paano kung akala ko lang may posibilidad pero wala naman pala talaga? I became too guarded. I didn't take the leap and up to this day, I am still remorseful.

Up to this day, I still think he's the best guy for me. I still believe that we were meant to be together. I still believe that he would end up with me.

But that's just the hopeless romantic in me talking.

That experience left me scarred for life. And up to this day, I still can't see myself falling in love with anyone else.

—-fin—-