Story: Dark Ice Secrets
Author: Teddiesfield
Parts: 23
Genre: Mystery/thriller

Now, simulan ko na ha para makausad na tayo sa susunod na kwento kasi medyo mahaba-habang time ang ginugol ko for this.

First, Yong description mo nagandahan ako sa ginawa mo dahil despite sa technicalities napukaw mo 'Yong interes ko lalo na sa huling tanong na ibinato mo. So 👍.

Sa prologue mo, may MAIN at MINOR kang nilagay.

Iyong main prologue was great. Nadescribe mo nang mabuti 'Yong scene while raising my interest as to what happened after those three were gone in thin air? Sino ba sila? Nakuha mo 'yong attention ko which is nakakagalak.

May only concern was 'yong nilagay mo na minor prologue na sobrang haba at sobrang detailed. I admit, nakuha mo 'yong paghanga ko dahil you did your narration really well though medyo may sabit ng kunti sa grammar and punctuation. Para talaga akong nakikinig kay James Reid by the way you deliver the lines. But I guess di mo siya dapat nilagay na 'minor prologue'. It's more on the introduction of your main character na sobrang haba at detailed parang nakagawa ka na ng dalawang chapter. Itong minor prologue mo na ito ang muntik nang maghatak sa akin palabas ng kwento mo, no offense, but I tried to hold to my position as critic and I can't leave my post until I'm done. I suggest ihiwalay mo ang prologue and label your 'minor prologue' as intro or chapter 1 maybe, depende sayo kung paano mo siya gawin just to save your prologue.

I guess you're my karma. Kasi lagi ko sinasabi sa lahat na "sulat lang ng sulat kung anong nasa isip niyo, saka na 'yong edit-edit kasi ang mahalaga ay ang kwento"... at iyon nga ang ginawa mo.

Naramdaman ko sa gawa mo 'yong pag-exercise mo sa freedom mo sa pagsusulat and I can see that you were enjoying every detail you wrote to compose your own story. I am not against what you are doing but I can't say na lahat ay maeenjoy 'Yong ginagawa mo dahil iba-iba tayo ng taste at opinion. Others might get bored when they see your writing style but maybe others find it okay and enjoyable since may scenes na nagjo-joke si Arthur at 'yong iba mong characters.

Honestly, I have trouble in grasping the flow of your story. I'm not saying it's not good but I think the main reason is naging insensitive ka sa paggawa mo ng content. Insensitive in the sense na parang nakalimutan mong may readers ka. Ginawa mo 'yong story for your own consumption, 'yong parang ikaw lang ang magbabasa.

Sa bawat change mo ng POV hindi mo isinaalang-alang kung makukuha ba agad ng readers mo kung anong nangyayari. Sudden shift ng POV ay hindi masama basta siguraduhin mong maiintindihan ng readers mo yong setting at nangyayari para hindi sila mawala sa loob ng kwento mo.

Now, I don't know how shall I say this but I expected your story to revolve around the 3 galacia sisters but I couldn't grasp of their total participation in the story.

You introduced characters with little information as to who they are., though you made detailed descriptions of how they look like. Hindi ko makuha 'yong connections ng mga characters maliban nalang Kay Arthur, Zeff at Uora. I guess sa kanila umiikot ang kwento at nawala 'yong focus sa ibang characters na may malaking role sa story.

I was looking for scenes wherein they "crack codes" pero wala akong makita or maybe sobra lang akong nalito habang nagbabasa kaya di ko napansin 'yon but I was really having a hard time giving justice to your description through your content.  Ang laging nakakasalubong ko sa kwento mo ay 'yong kulay blue.

Siguro I expected so much thrill when I read your story description, which is my fault of course. Pero sana you'll find a way na maayos mo 'Yong plot mo kasi medyo nakakalito 'yong mga pangyayari.

Nasasayangan ako sa haba ng kwento mo tapos in the end (if ending na talaga 'yon) hindi ko pa rin makuha 'yong buong pangyayari. Sobra mo pa namang patient sa pagsusulat and it's something na gustong-gusto ko para sa isang writer pero nakakapanghinayang kung ganito ang magiging conclusion ko sa story mo.

Areas to check/improve:
📄 Re-read your story and check the relevance and connection each event.

📄 Justify your story description

📄 Characters - introduce their connections and relevance sa kwento.

📄 Grammatical error and correct use of punctuation - work in these areas dahil sa haba ng kwento mo, madugong Labanan ang gagawin mo dito sa grammar at punctuation kapag nag-edit ka na.

📄 Dialogue format- Actually, naging mali dahil dito:

Obviously, hindi ito ang saktong format. I was thinking na ginawa mong ganito para madali for your readers na makilala ang nagsasalita but it's not the proper way.

Maybe this will help you.

Those are just two. I will be posting the others soon as part of my writers club 'info of the week'. You can also make your own research about this.

📄 Wrong use of word - medyo marami akong nakita na maling salita na ginamit mo sa mga pangungusap. May English at may Tagalog. You need to re-read the whole story and start editing since completed na 'tong story mo. If may karugtong man 'to at least nagawan mo na ng solusyon 'yong mga naunang chapters. Try to use the correct and more suitable words in your sentences para mas appealing at hindi awkward basahin.

As a reader, hindi ko talaga makuha kung anong relevance ng isang scene with the other and ng isang character with another. I'm really sorry but siguro hindi ko lang talaga siguro naintindihan ang mga nangyayari sa kwento kaya di ko makuha bakit ganoon. Siguro you can give me/us some easier way to understand it.

I hope you take all these on the brighter side. But just correct me if I'm wrong kasi baka ako lang talaga ang mahirap umintindi.