I realized recently that everytime my Dad raises his voice my body has a physical reaction to it. I find myself physically flinching and my heartbeat rising very quickly, I'm unsure as to why.
I have a feeling it has a small bit to do with me not wanting people to be mad at me, I just want people to have neutral or positive feelings. I don't feel like I'm a bad person despite my past but I still don't like negative energy in general.
I know I'm an instigator at times but I truly don't try to be. I feel like a trouble maker like me has no place in my friend groups, I'm so childish compared to my friends. What if they grow up without me? I'd feel horrible if they did, I need people to talk to. I'm naturally sociable.
Maybe one day I'll be a better person.