Gabriel

My eyes followed the Toyota Rav-4/Uber down the street until it disappeared around the corner. I shivered, folding my arms across my chest. Until then, I hadn't realized I was in a t-shirt and shorts in my bare feet. "He's a nice young man," my father said, startling me on the front stoop.

I didn't move, biting my bottom lip as I fought back my boyish tears. I was the one who caused these tears and no one else.

"I thought he'd stay longer," my father continued.

As tears froze on my cheeks, I turned to my dad, just looking for something... any words of advice or wisdom. He was great at advising others, but not so great when it came to his son. I was always different, not the type of son he wanted. I felt like a lovesick teenager instead of a grown man. Juniper was more mature than I was.

"You make things far more difficult than they need to be," my father said, placing a hand on my shoulder. "Come on. Let's get out of the cold."

My dad reached out in a way he'd never done before, yet I attempted to push him away because I didn't want him to see me completely breakdown. It was like I wanted to prove I could be strong. "Come to my office," he said.

"I... I... think I want to be alone," I said, barely audibly. I sounded and acted like a scared little boy.

"No. You're coming to my office," he said, bringing his arm around me and walking me to his office. As a little kid, he used to drag me by my sleeve whenever he was about to lecture me and/or ground me, and it always took place in his office. I was grounded a lot as a kid.

I sat in the chair in front of his desk, slouched as tears intermittently fell. Instead of sitting behind his desk like he usually did, my father sat in the chair beside me.

"Why didn't you go with him?" he asked.

I couldn't hold it in anymore and broke down. I'd hoped to shed these tears in the privacy of my room. I could barely speak. "He didn't want me to come. I fucked up. I really fucked up. He's the greatest thing that's happened to me and I fucked it up like I've fucked up everything else in my life."

"I wish you wouldn't use such foul language," my father said. "I know you're upset. You're an Ivy League graduate, a trauma physician. You're brilliant. You just make a lot of bad choices. Everyone makes bad choices. Look at me and your mother. We should never have lied to you. Lying is never acceptable, and you shouldn't have lied, either."

"Lied about what?"

"You let me and everyone else believe that Juniper was a woman."

"No, you assumed he was a woman."

"Let's not play games, Gabriel. You know very well we thought he was a woman, and that you were in a serious relationship with him. You never referred to Juniper as him."

I didn't know what to say, except for a quiet "sorry." I never prepared myself for this conversation. "Okay, Dad. You want the truth? I've never had a girlfriend. Ever since I was a little kid, I knew I'd never marry a woman. Maybe if I'd told you, then maybe you could have continued to lie to me and then I would never have known about Ma, and I would never have gotten tested and I wouldn't be here right now."

"Lying is never acceptable, Gabriel. I regret lying to you. Like I've said already, you shouldn't have lied to us."

"Oh, come on, Dad. Do you think I could ever tell you or Ma I'm gay? She couldn't wait to be a grandmother. For my entire life I've heard you give sermons, calling sex between men unnatural and abhorrent when all along I'd been doing it for years."

He didn't think I noticed, but I did. He shivered slightly, grimacing as I alluded to having sex with me.

"I haven't stated such things in years. Yes, the Torah prohibits sexual relationships between individuals of the same gender, but times have changed. You might have heard one or two phrases and it stuck with you. While I can't condone such things as same-sex marriage, it doesn't mean I dislike gay people."

As my tears subsided, I wiped my cheeks with the back of my arm. "I want to spend the rest of my life with him. If I hadn't fucked up, I would have proposed, and he would have said yes. Instead, he gave me the ring back. And why am I telling you all this? It goes against everything you believe."

"I understand this lifestyle is not a choice, Gabriel. I don't agree with it, but there's nothing I can do about it. You can't help it. What am I going to do? Disown my only son? That's as ridiculous as you running away from that boy. Besides, you have to go back to work. You're not dying. You're perfectly healthy and you're driving us all crazy."

When I left Maine, I took a leave of absence from the hospital. I had no other job lined up in Brooklyn, and I suppose I planned on returning to Maine. I wasn't the type to mooch off my parents.

"Juniper thinks I should stay here... that maybe you need my help."

"We'll be fine. If we really need your help, we'll call you. I don't want to stop you from living your life."

"It doesn't matter. Juniper doesn't want to be with me right now."

"Right now. Give him a couple of weeks, then go home."

"Home?"

"Home isn't here. It was at one time, but it's not now, is it?"

"What if he doesn't take me back?"

"Have a little faith. I bet he will."

Have a little faith... I was hoping for some advice and I got some. It wasn't bad advice, but it seemed so simple... too simple.

***

How much time was enough time to give Juniper 'space?' If I gave him too little time would that turn him off? And if I gave him too much time, would he think I no longer wanted to be with him?

A few days after he left, I texted him, not sure if he wanted to hear from me, but I figured what the hell?

'Hey, Juni. I'm just checking in to see how you're doing and if you have a few minutes to talk some time this week. I'd love to FaceTime with you if you're up to it. If not, that's okay, too, and a call would be fine. I'm such an asshole and I'm sorry for being a dick.'

Juniper wasn't like me who blew him off for weeks. I mean, I totally treated him like shit. Juniper returned my text within an hour while at school. 'It's good to hear from you. I'll call you tonight from home. BTW, you're just a dick and not an asshole.' He then texted a laughing emoji.

Damn, I loved him like crazy.

Still, in the back of my mind, I had this picture of Juniper caring for me as my body and brain deteriorated ten or fifteen or twenty or more years from now.

But then I turned things around: What would I do if Juniper was faced with a similar fate? I'd take care of him without hesitation. Besides, Juniper was skilled at calling me out on my shit. Sometimes he was too honest, but perhaps I needed that brutal honesty.

Later in the week, he accepted a FaceTime request. He'd just gotten out of work and accepted the request in his car in the school parking lot. As always, he looked stunning and I'd do anything to be with him. I couldn't tell if he felt the same. "Hi, dickhead," he said.

Immediately, I laughed. "Is that my new nickname?"

"For now," he said.

"I suppose I deserve that."

"Anyway, how's it going?"

"I'm doing okay. I miss you like crazy and I feel stupid. Even my dad agrees. For the most part, he's okay with our relationship... not 100% okay, but I couldn't ask for anything more. He didn't disown me or kick me out, although if I don't leave soon he may kick me out but not because I'm gay. I'm a grown man and I acted like a twelve year old. I run away when I'm scared."

"I'm not gonna lie. I think I'd be scared, too, but what are you gonna do? Live in fear until you die? That's no way to live. You gotta live and stop worrying about things you have no control over."

"Message received loud and clear," I said. All I wanted to do was be with him at that moment, and here I was, stuck in my childhood bedroom while he was in his Jeep.

"But I guess it's easier said than done."

"I'm gonna try," I said. "I'm not staying in Brooklyn. I'm going back to work on January 3rd. I'm getting bored here."

"What about your parents? You're just gonna leave them?"

"They don't want me here. Apparently I'm driving them crazy. I gotta visit more often, though. I really miss you, you know."

"I know you do. Look, Gabriel, I gotta go or else I'll start getting all mushy and shit and fall apart, so I'm gonna say goodbye, okay?"

"Yeah, okay," I said. "Maybe we'll talk again?"

"Yeah... of course. 'Bye."

Seconds after he ended the call, he sent a hugging emoji with a text: 'I miss you, too.'

There was no way I'd be able to wait until January 2nd to see him again. There was no sense in torturing ourselves. I could prove I was worthy of his love and trust.

But how?

The following week I decided I'd waited long enough and couldn't wait any longer. I didn't want to miss his birthday, which also happened to be New Year's Eve. I never really celebrated New Years, but I didn't mind celebrating Juniper's birthday.

Juniper was expecting me on January 2nd because I planned on returning to work on January 3rd. The plan was to meet Juniper at one of our favorite Korean restaurants in Bangor and have a long, face-to-face conversation, but I didn't want to wait that long. I'd been away far too long. I decided it would be fun to surprise him and do something spontaneous and romantic, things he loved. He loved presents, too--even the smallest of presents like a single rose or daisy. He loved all that shit and I loved that he loved it.

My mother, with her poor memory, thought I was heading off to a sleepover, and I pretended that's where I was going. My father wished me luck and sent me on my way. I was on the road by eight a.m. I'd hoped to be in Maine by three, but I was doubtful. Getting out of New York was a nightmare, of course. On New Years Eve, I should have left at four or five in the morning. I only stopped once to go to the bathroom and to grab something to eat at Subway.

As soon as I hit the rural country roads in Maine, I felt like I was home.