A/N This chapter is long and I bet there are inconsistencies. Thanks for your patience.

Juniper

Rabbi Benowitz walked with his hands in the pockets of his black overcoat. I'd forgotten my coat at home and only packed a hoodie. I didn't think Brooklyn would be as chilly as Maine in early December, but that's not to say it didn't get cold. I would have preferred to take a taxi or an Uber to the house, but I kept my mouth shut, just relieved the rabbi was taking me to Gabriel. I walked beside him down the street on the way to the Benowitz house. I didn't expect Rabbi Benowitz to keep talking.

"Gabriel has poor coping skills. He avoids confrontation, and he's a hypochondriac sometimes. To be honest with you, I don't know how he managed to become a physician. He's smart, that's why. Too smart for his own good sometimes. And communication is his weakest trait. I suppose we all have weaknesses. He can be very difficult to talk to... unapproachable."

"He tells me I talk too much."

Rabbi Benowitz chuckled. "It's better to talk too much than not to talk at all."

I had to agree that Gabriel could be unapproachable sometimes. When things were bothering him, he'd shut down. I assumed that had to do with the losers he dated who always put their needs first, ignoring Gabriel's.

"Can I ask you something, Rabbi?" I didn't wait for him to respond, asking the question, anyway. "What exactly is Huntington's disease?"

"It's a progressive, neurological disease, similar to Parkinson's. It causes dementia, tremors, and all sorts of mobility issues. Ada--Gabriel's mother--uses a walker, but she forgets to use it. She forgets a lot of things. People with the disease can become depressed and psychotic. Many are diagnosed in their forties, but some are diagnosed much later. I think Gabriel's preparing for death. Can you believe that? At thirty-six, he thinks he's gonna die tomorrow. I've been thinking that maybe he doesn't want you to be his caregiver. It's no walk in the park, let me tell you. If I didn't have Ruth and others in our community, I don't know what I'd do."

"That's not his decision to make," I said. "Is it terminal?"

"Well, it's progressive, so I suppose it is. The life expectancy is between ten to twenty-five years from onset of symptoms. Gabriel has no symptoms whatsoever. Maybe you can talk some sense into him. You seem very sensible. He's not going to die tomorrow unless he's involved in some kind of tragic accident."

I noticed a lot of houses on the street had no driveways and were either attached to each other or close together. I lived out in the middle of nowhere, so I wasn't used to densely populated neighborhoods. I followed Rabbi Benowitz up the stairs of a detached townhouse. He stopped before opening the door.

"I'll let you speak with Gabriel, talk some sense into him, and then you can go. Forgive me, but I cannot accept..." He paused, perhaps rethinking his statement, or reconsidering what he was about to say. "You seem like a nice boy. Gabriel picked a good one this time."

This time?

"I promise I won't stay long. Thank you for taking me to him."

"Yeah," he sighed.

The front door opened into a wide-open living room. One older woman dozed on a recliner and another woman curled up on the couch reading a book. Judging by the walker beside the chair, I concluded that the woman dozing was Gabriel's mother. The other woman peered up from her book as Rabbi Benowitz hung up his overcoat in a nearby closet.

"We have a visitor," he said. "Juniper, this is Ruth Cohen, Gabriel's aunt, and his mother, Ada, who's over there, sleeping in the chair."

"Nice to meet you," I said to Ruth.

The house was warm and inviting despite the sleeping, aging woman. I assumed it had something to do with the aroma of freshly baked bread emanating from the kitchen.

"This is Juniper Doiron from Maine," Rabbi Benowitz said. "He's here to see Gabriel."

"This is Juniper?" Ruth said, closing her book. She didn't laugh like Rabbi Benowitz laughed in the synagogue. "You're a man."

She said it as if I didn't already know I was a man. My cheeks burned and I didn't know how to respond. "Uh... yeah... I was born that way," I said.

The rabbi laughed at my comment. "This boy's a character," he said.

"I hate to say this, but it's a good thing Ada doesn't remember from day to day. Every day is Groundhog Day. Imagine if she discovered this. Gabriel's not here. He's out running somewhere. That boy's always running. Let me get you something to eat," Ruth said to me. "You look hungry. Ada made chocolate babka. She's never forgotten how to bake, although she gets flour everywhere." Gabriel's family seemed intent on feeding me. I didn't think I was all that skinny. "At least he's found a handsome Jewish boy," Ruth said, heading out of the room and to the kitchen.

Just then, I realized I was still wearing the yarmulke. My cheeks burned even more at the realization. I felt like a thief. I removed the yarmulke and handed it to Gabriel's father. "Sorry," I said. "I didn't mean to steal it."

"I know you didn't."

Rabbi Benowitz went to Ada and gently shook her shoulder. "Ada, honey, we have a visitor."

Stirring slightly, her eyes suddenly sprung open and her body tensed. I realized where Gabriel inherited his green eyes.

"Gabriel has a visitor," the rabbi said.

"Are you a friend from school?" she asked me.

Again, I didn't know how to respond. The rabbi responded on my behalf. "Gabriel's all grown up, remember? This is Juniper. He's a friend from Maine."

"What an interesting name. Are you hungry? You look hungry."

Why did everyone think I was hungry?

"Ruth is getting him something. Please, Juniper, have a seat."

I sat on the couch where Ruth had been lounging. The more I looked at Ada Benowitz, the more I realized Gabriel resembled her more than his dad.

"So, Juniper, why haven't I met you before?" Ada asked.

"Leave the boy alone," the rabbi said, sitting in a chair beside her.

"Do you have a girlfriend? You're such a handsome boy, I bet you do."

Ruth returned with a tray of tea and slices of chocolate babka, which I'd never had before. I accepted the tea and slice of bread.

"What sport do you play?" Ada continued with her questions, not waiting for answers. Even though I wasn't hungry, I took a bite of the babka and was glad I did. It was delicious. "You look quite fit and trim."

The opening of the front door saved me as Gabriel entered, dressed in running gear with his dark hair damp from sweat and sticking up everywhere. Even though four people sat in the living room, he ignored them, making his way to the stairs as I jumped to my feet.

"'Hello' would be nice," his father said. "You have a visitor."

Gabriel stopped at the foot of the stairs and turned to face us. Stunned, his blank stare morphed into a small smile. "Juni?"

"Hi," I said. "You don't look like a dying man."

"Juniper..." Gabriel's reaction caught me by surprise. When I flew out to see him, I didn't know what to expect. Gabriel charged toward me and threw his arms around me, hugging me tightly. His hug proved that he loved me.

"Your father knows I'm not a woman," I said in his ear. "You need to talk to him. Your secret's not much of a secret to him."

"What?" he said, holding my biceps as he pushed me away. He glanced at his father who merely shrugged.

"Can we talk?" I said. "Your dad told me some things."

"Yeah, let's talk. I can't believe you're here." He was giddy with excitement, which both baffled and angered me. It was like he hadn't realized how much he hurt me.

I trailed closely behind him up the stairs and down the hall. We walked into a bedroom that reminded me of my own room as a teenager. His twin bed was unmade with most of the covers hanging off the bed. The laundry basket under the window was full of neatly folded clothes that I doubt he folded himself. As Gabriel closed the door, I wandered around his room, not sure what to do or where to begin. The medals and trophies on the dresser impressed me. I shouldn't have been so surprised he was such an overachiever.

"You were valedictorian?" I asked, picking up the pendant.

"Yeah," he said, rubbing my back as if nothing had changed between us, as if he hadn't broken my heart a few weeks before. I stepped away from him, determined not to let him distract me with physical contact. He was hard to resist, especially since we hadn't seen each other in a while. Before, we had an active sex life.

"And you played the trumpet?" I noticed the jazz band MVP awards for both 2003 and 2004. "I didn't know that. Why didn't you tell me?"

"I haven't played since college. What are you doing here, Juni? How'd you find me?"

"I think you underestimated me in more than one way," I said. "I googled Rabbi Chaim Benowitz in Brooklyn and found the synagogue. You should have seen your dad's face when he realized I was a man." I laughed uneasily, trying to figure out what Gabriel was thinking and feeling. "Are you mad? Actually, I don't care if you are." I plopped down on the bed and shoved my hands in the pockets of my hoodie. "I wish you would have talked to me. I know your mother doesn't have Parkinson's. Your parents lied to you, which is really shitty. She has Huntington's disease, and I know you'll get it someday because you had a genetic test that said you would.  I don't understand why you think you had to do this alone. If you'd only talked to me, we could have discussed the pros and cons of getting tested. You would have seen there were more cons than pros. I feel like you don't trust me, and I have a real problem with that."

"I trust you," he said, sitting beside me. "I didn't want to worry you because I know how much you worry. Does it matter now? I'm gonna get it. I'm gonna end up just like my uncle and mother. I don't want you to see me like that. I don't want you to be my caregiver. That wouldn't be fair."

"But you never asked me what I want. You made a decision for me without consulting me. Are you that vain and shallow? What if I had cancer and was going through chemotherapy and lost fifty pounds and all my hair? What would you do if I broke up with you because I didn't want you to see me like that? Would you let me go or would you fight for me?"

"Fine. I get your point."

"So tell me what you would do."

"I wouldn't let you go, okay?" he said, slightly annoyed. "You think I'm vain and shallow?"

"Yes. I don't know any other way to see it. You don't want me to see you sick. You may think I'm young and naive, but I'm not as naive as you think I am. Maybe you're naive to think that everything would always be sunshine and rainbows between us. But, then again, you prefer toxic, loser men, and I'm not like any of them."

"Okay, Juni, I admit I have an issue with trusting people, and I don't always make the right decisions. I really thought I was making the right decision... a good decision... I thought I was setting you free. I thought it was in your best interest, but lately I've been having second thoughts. I was planning on calling you, but here you are."

Nothing he said made me feel better. In fact, he made me feel worse. "How do you know what's in my best interest when you don't talk to me?" Unable to sit still, I walked across the room and retrieved a soccer ball from the corner of the room. I bounced it like a basketball.

"I'm scared, okay? I'm really fucking scared," he said. "There's no cure for Huntington's. It's a horrible, shitty disease and it's not fucking fair. I paid privately for the genetic test with an alias instead of going through my insurance, afraid the medical board or someone else would find out. I do regret getting tested because I'll always worry if every little tremor and mood disturbance is a sign. I already have a mood disorder, so it's gonna be tricky to tell the difference."

"Yeah, you shouldn't have gotten tested, but there's nothing you can do about it now. Your dad called you a hypochondriac and that you're already preparing for your death and I think he might be right."

"You know, Juni, you have no idea what it feels like to be diagnosed with something like Huntington's. You can sit here and lecture me all you want. When I'm forty-five or fifty, and you're in your thirties, I could be shitting and pissing myself and fucking psychotic and you'll be trapped in a relationship you don't want, resenting me and—"

I almost threw the ball at him. "You haven't been diagnosed with it! And who says I'd resent you? Can you predict the future? Look, Gabriel, you have some serious issues you need to address. You're making a lot of assumptions and predicting the future when no one can predict the future. No one can predict how they'll act. No one can predict exactly when you'll develop the disease. You're just gonna give up and wait for death? What kind of life is that?" I sat beside him again. "I know you're scared. I'd be scared, too, but I'd never turn you away."

"How do you know you wouldn't?"

"Because I know myself and I trust you. I'd look to you for support."

"You can't count on anyone but yourself."

I shook my head in disbelief. Speechless, I got up and retrieved the ring from my backpack, realizing I wasn't ready to accept it. Gabriel made me think he wasn't someone I could count on in a time of crisis if I ever had one. I wasn't searching for--or expecting--a co-dependent relationship; rather, I assumed Gabriel and I were a partnership. I'd never been in a relationship and maybe I had a glorified view of how I thought relationships and partnerships should be. My parents were poor examples, but my dad instilled in me a sense of loyalty and high ideals. My emotions were all over the place right now. I wasn't sure how I wanted to move forward with this relationship. I was conflicted, disillusioned, hurt, and angry. I got my answers and wanted to go home.

"I found this in the cabin," I said, returning to the bed. "It's beautiful. Your dad interpreted the inscription for me. 'where you go I will go.' It's kind of hypocritical of you, huh? Anyway, here." I handed the ring to him, placing it in his palm. "You can do whatever the hell you want with it." 

Gabriel closed his hand over the ring and wiped his tears with his other hand. He was the one causing the tears, not me.

"I... uh... I'm... I gotta go," I said, picking up my backpack. "I wanna go home. I'm not like you. It's easier to look at all the negative than the positive. There is far more positive in your life than negative. It's funny, though, because I think it takes far more effort to be so cynical and pessimistic. I feel sorry for you and not because you had some stupid genetic test."

"You came all this way to spend thirty minutes with me and that's it?"

"I can't be around you right now. You're making me feel bad about myself. Why would I want to be with someone who makes me feel that way?"

"I didn't mean to make you feel that way," he said, standing in front of me. He ran his hand up and down my arm, sending warm chills down my spine. How could I be turned on at a moment like this? I swallowed hard as he stepped into me. "Don't go, Juni. Stay a little longer and we'll talk. I never meant to hurt you." He unzipped my hoodie, kissing my cheek. I didn't resist as he pushed my hoodie off my shoulders. He made me feel bad about myself, yet he also made me feel really, really good. I hated him and loved him at the same time.

"No, Gabriel," I muttered unconvincingly as his lips brushed over mine.

"I promise I'll make you feel good."

I didn't doubt it.

Gabriel kissed me all over my face as if he hadn't heard a word I said. At the same time, I welcomed his kisses because I'd longed for them for weeks.

"Don't go, Juni," he said, begging me to stay as he held my waist under my shirt. He was dripping in sweat, but sweat never bothered me. I peeled off his top, succumbing to his pleas to stay. He pushed me on his twin bed that he'd probably had since elementary school. He tugged my jeans and underwear all the way off. I welcomed his mouth on my cock, surrendering to him. This was Gabriel's avoidance tactic.

He acted fast as if he were afraid I'd disappear any minute. Before I could react, he spun me around, my heart beating fast with anticipation. With his hand over my mouth, muffling my sounds, he thrust hard inside me. I always liked a bit of pain, anyway. He kissed my neck hard, his lips quivering as he pulsated and throbbed inside me. "I'm sorry, Juni," he whispered in my ear. "I love you. I really fucking love you."

I would have responded, but I couldn't speak because his hand was over my mouth. He pushed me on my stomach, still deep inside me. I hugged a pillow, burying my head in it. He had such a grip on me, I could barely move. As he rocked back and forth, he hit that spot over and over. Grasping a clump of my hair, he yanked my head back. "Ssh," he said, kissing my mouth. "Are you gonna come?"

"Yeah," I whispered. He held my head face-first against the pillow as I cried out into it, my body convulsing underneath Gabriel. He bit down on my shoulder, thrusting hard one last time.

Collapsing on top of my back, he squeezed my hands, breathing heavily. I heard footsteps in the hallway, too heavy to be his aunt or mother. "Ssh," Gabriel whispered, holding his hand over my mouth again. "I've never had sex in my room before." Our eyes turned to the dark shadow under the door. Once the shadow left a few seconds later, we breathed a sigh of relief. We both giggled like old times. He kissed my shoulder, slowly getting off me. He lay on the bed, stretching his legs out beside mine.

"Am I too skinny?" I asked, propped on my elbow.

"No, why? You're perfect."

"Your family keeps trying to feed me and I can't say no. I don't want to be rude."

"You've never met a Jewish family, have you? Food is a big thing. My mom's a good baker."

"So I've noticed," I said, swinging my legs over the side of the bed. "I'm so mad at myself right now. I didn't come here to have sex with you. Sex solves nothing. I don't know, Gabriel." I turned to him, tears in my eyes. "Maybe you belong here with your family. It looks like they need you. I don't belong here. I'm so confused. It was less confusing when I was single with my annoying family."

"Yeah, but your annoying family loves you and you love them. If I asked you to stay you'd say no, wouldn't you?"

"I don't belong here," I reiterated , picking up my clothes. "I'm not motivated enough to uproot my life in Maine to move here. Maybe I would have felt differently a few months ago. Maybe I'll feel differently in a few months."

Gabriel continued to sit on the bed as I pulled up my jeans. "What if I came with you?" he said. "I still haven't unpacked all my shit. In fact, most of it's still in my car."

"You know, when I left Bangor, my goal was to talk to you, get some answers, and bring you back to Maine with me, but now I think I'd rather go home alone. It feels like the right thing to do. I think you have a lot of unresolved shit you need to deal with, and it's more than just Huntington's disease. I'm sorry. I know it sucks; all the more reason to make every day count."

Gabriel ran his fingers through his hair, sighing as he stood up. "You're right," he said. "I have a lot of shit to deal with that I probably should have dealt with years ago, but where does that leave us?"

"Call me in a couple of weeks," I said.

Gabriel dug some clean clothes out of the laundry basket while I zipped up my hoodie. I was ready to go, afraid that if I stayed any longer we'd up in bed together and I'd never leave and we would have accomplished nothing.

"Since your flight's not until tomorrow, I could take you to Manhattan. We could go to Central Park or MOMA. I know how much you love museums and art."

"Maybe some other time," I said, clutching the strap of my backpack. I opened up the Uber app and scheduled a car to pick me up ASAP. 

Downstairs, the two women were back in their initial positions. Rabbi Benowitz wasn't around, but I was sure that it was him outside Gabriel's door earlier. I would have said goodbye to Gabriel's mother, but she was sound asleep again. Ruth was immersed in her book. "It was nice to meet you," I said to her. "Thank you for the babka."

"You're welcome," she said, glancing up from her book.

Gabriel walked me to the door, tugging at my belt.

"Tell your dad I said bye," I said. "I'm glad I met him. He seems like a nice guy."

"Yeah... for the most part."

At the door, Gabriel took me in his arms, hugging me for a long time. I pulled away from him as a car idled in front of the house. "My ride is here," I said.  Gabriel only nodded, unable to speak. I kissed his cheek before opening the passenger's door. Neither of us said another word.