Juniper

Before splurging on a plane ticket and a hotel room, I attempted to reach Gabriel again. In fact, I acted like a possessive, crazed boyfriend. I just wanted answers and not a bunch of bullshit. His phone didn't even ring; it went straight to voicemail. It was like he shut himself off from the world. A part of me wondered if I really wanted to be with a man who ran from his problems, hurting others along the way.

But I wasn't ready to give him up. I intended to get to the bottom of his stupid decision.

When I got no response from phone, text, or email, I stopped at the hospital, hoping someone would tell me something... anything. Staff members barely took the time to acknowledge me, let alone answer my questions. My trip to the hospital was a complete waste of time. There was only one other thing for me to do and that was to go to Brooklyn and hunt him down.

Hunt him down? Damn, I made Gabriel sound like an animal. 'Hunt him down' weren't the right words. I was determined to find him and do whatever I could to confront him and make him talk to me, one way or other.

During my lunch break, I googled synagogues in Brooklyn and had little difficulty locating Rabbi Chaim Benowitz. I'd made up my mind--I was going to Brooklyn this weekend and there was nothing anyone could do about it.

Although my dad agreed to drive me to the airport, he did his best to talk me out of going to New York. The biggest city I'd ever visited was Moncton in New Brunswick, and I was getting tired of my dad reminding me of that fact. Maybe it was about time I explored the world a little.

It's not to say I wasn't nervous about flying and visiting a big city; I was, but I knew what I had to do. My dad acted like I was leaving home forever, watching me pass through the metal detectors. I waved one last time. I had every intention of returning. Right now I wasn't willing to move to Brooklyn, not after Gabriel ran off the way he did. I was going to Brooklyn in search of the truth. Gabriel had to prove his love to me if he really loved me, and I believed he did.

The plane was as small as I expected it to be since the flight was only a little over an hour.  Still, I had a vision of flying on a Boeing 747 or the equivalent, but I couldn't expect something like that for an hour and a half flight. Anyway, I suppose I had a lifetime to fly on a big plane.

On Saturday morning, I planned on attending Shacharit, or the Jewish morning prayer service.  I'd checked the website of the synagogue to make sure Rabbi Benowitz was leading the service. The swarm of people at La Guardia Airport completely overwhelmed me. I'd never experienced anxiety before, not like this. My hands sweat, my heart raced and I thought I was about to have a heart attack. Fortunately, I was tall enough that I could see over the heads of people. With my backpack, I weaved in and out of people, making my way to the exit. I'd never even taken an Uber before, but I added the app before getting on the plane. I waited almost an hour for an Uber. I already missed Maine.

By the time I checked into a Quality Inn, the cheapest place I could find, I'd relaxed somewhat. I felt even better after taking a hot shower and getting a burger and fries at the nearby cafe. I couldn't sleep, and it wasn't just because a couple on one side of me argued all night and the couple on the other side of me fucked for hours and didn't make a secret of it.

After a sleepless night, I walked the several blocks to the synagogue. I'd never been to a synagogue before, so I had no idea what to expect. As I entered, I grabbed a yarmulke from a basket and plopped it on top of my head before finding a seat in the back so as not to draw attention to myself, although it was pretty obvious I was out of place. I noticed that men and women didn't sit together, and there appeared to be more men than women. Because I was sitting all the way in the back, I had to squint to see the man out front leading the service.

I didn't know a word of Hebrew nor did I know the customs. Gabriel only educated me on holidays and foods he could and couldn't eat. I scanned the synagogue and didn't see Gabriel anywhere, not like I was expecting to find him there. For forty-five minutes, I pretended to be Jewish and moved my mouth as if I could speak Hebrew. I doubted I passed as a Jew.

As people left, I continued to sit there, looking more out of place than I already did. When I didn't move, Rabbi Benowitz approached me, a look of concern on his face. His face and eyes were the same shape as Gabriel's, although the rabbi's eyes were brown whereas Gabriel's were green. I noticed flecks of white in his dark hair.

"Are you lost, son?" Rabbi Benowitz asked me.

"Are you Rabbi Chaim Benowitz?" I replied, even though I knew it was Rabbi Benowitz.

"Yes," he replied. "How may I help you?"

He was older than I thought he'd be, but then I remembered Gabriel telling me he was ten years older than his mother. I wondered if Gabriel's hair would turn salt and pepper like his dad's. The rabbi had more white and gray than black.

"I was wondering if you could translate this for me," I said, reaching for the ring in my coat pocket. I handed him the ring. "I think the inscription is in Hebrew, but I don't understand Hebrew. I'm sorry, but I'm not Jewish and someone gave this to me. I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't be here."

"Didn't you see the No Trespassing sign for non-Jews outside?"

"Oh, no. I'm sorry. I knew I shouldn't--"

"I'm just kidding," he said, donning a pair of reading glasses to examine the inscription. "Mmm... yes, it's Hebrew. It's a biblical verse from the book of Ruth. It states 'for wherever you go, I will go.'"

No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't stop the tears from falling. Gabriel's behavior confused me even more.

"It's a beautiful verse and a beautiful ring," he said, returning it to me. "Where are you from? You're not from Brooklyn, are you? You're not even from New York."

Brushing my tears away, I shook my head. "I'm from Maine," I said, my voice quivering. "You don't know me, but I know your son. My name is Juniper Doiron, and I'm looking for Gabriel. I need to find him. I think he's in trouble and I just want to help him. He's shut me out completely. I found this ring at home. He was supposed to give it to me. Do you know where he is? I'm worried about him. I'm really worried..."

Color drained from Rabbi Benowitz's face and his warm demeanor turned not so warm. "You're Juniper?"

"Yes. I need to talk to him."

"I was under the impression that you were a woman. Oh boy, I better sit down." The rabbi looked down at the floor, taking several deep breaths. He suddenly broke into laughter while I was there crying like a loser. He stopped laughing for a second and glanced at me, only to resume laughing. I had a good sense of humor, but I thought none of this was funny. I sat back down, not sure what to say.

"I don't know what's so funny," I said. "I came all this way to see him. It's not right what he did. Maybe we're not meant to be together, but I don't know... I thought we had something..."

"Go home, son," Rabbi Benowitz said, standing up. He walked away from me, heading to the door. I should have known things wouldn't go the way I'd hoped.

"Would you tell me where he was if I were a woman?" I asked.

"He's where he belongs," he said, walking toward the door.

I hunched over, crying so hard I could barely breathe. I didn't expect the rabbi to come back. "You are as emotional as a woman," he said. Now wasn't the time to have a discussion about his sexist comment. "Come on. I'll buy you a cup of coffee."

I took a couple of deep breaths and stood up, grateful Rabbi Benowitz had a change of heart, but realized he wasn't quite ready to tell me where to find Gabriel. I assumed he was staying with his parents in his childhood home, but I didn't know where that was.

At a coffee shop down the street from the synagogue, Rabbi Benowitz and I sat in a booth facing each other. The rabbi ordered coffee and a piece of apple pie. I wasn't hungry, but I ordered coffee and a piece of pie, too.

"I hear you make great apple pie," the rabbi stated. "And you teach third grade."

"It's funny how much you know about me, yet you didn't know I was a man. It sounds like Gabriel just used my name without pronouns."

"I guess I never noticed. Juniper's a feminine sounding name, don't you think?"

I shrugged, bringing the cup of coffee to my lips.

"It's obvious he cares about you. He's been moping around the house since he got home. He hasn't even been trying to get a job... an Ivy League educated physician and he's unemployed. He's always been a bit of a handful even as an adult."

"Did you know that Gabriel and I have been living together for the past six months?"

"No. He doesn't tell us much."

"He told me his mother is sick," I said, wondering where this conversation was going. My goal was to get to Gabriel, and I felt like I was almost there. "He said she has Parkinson's."

"His mother and I made a big mistake. No, it wasn't just a mistake; it was a lie and I'm ashamed of myself, but we did it because we know how he is. His mother doesn't have Parkinson's. She has Huntington's disease."

I'd heard of Huntington's disease and knew it was similar to Parkinson's, but I couldn't understand why his father would lie about such a devastating disease.

"I know it probably makes no sense to you. Lying is wrong, no matter which way you look at it, but we really thought we were doing the right thing." Rabbi Benowitz paused, sighing deeply before continuing. "Huntington's is a hereditary disease. His uncle died from it a few years ago. His grandmother died from it, too. They were both diagnosed in their forties, so we thought his mother was spared. Her other sister is doing quite well and has been a big help. It's a terrible, terrible disease. Because I thought you were a woman and the way Gabriel talked about you... well, it sounded like he was planning on getting married, and I assumed he'd want to start a family. I thought it was time he knew, thinking he might want to get tested before making the decision to have children. There are genetic tests that can tell you if you're a carrier. They can also predict the level of probability of developing the disease at some point. If I had known you were a man, I would have advised against getting tested. Gabriel catastrophizes everything. He's acting like he's gonna die tomorrow. It's beyond me why he didn't confide in you, but that's Gabriel. He's always been closed off."

My mind was spinning, my emotions running wild. I couldn't deny the fact that I was hurt that he didn't confide in me. I questioned how much I meant to him and how much he trusted me.

"No one has a crystal ball, but the genetic test did indicate he'll develop the disease at some point," the rabbi continued. "He's scared and he runs when he's scared. I don't understand why he can't just live in the moment. You're obviously a nice young man. Why didn't he talk to you? I won't ever understand him. He has a history of making ridiculously, poor decisions. I don't think you'll ever change him."

"We can always learn from our mistakes, right? I'd like to see him, Rabbi, just for a few minutes. I promise I won't stay long."

The rabbi paused and finished his cup of coffee. "Okay," he said. "Maybe you'll be able to talk some sense into him. I can only hope."

The rabbi and I sat in silence as I stopped eating. I could barely get the pie down. The rabbi started chuckling again. "Gabriel's gonna get a horrible disease like his mother. What's so funny? If you don't want to take me to him, that's fine. Thank you for your time." I got up to leave.

"Wait, Juniper," he called to me. "If I don't laugh, I'm afraid I'll do something else. C'mon, I'll take you to him. I understand why I never met his girlfriends. Do me a favor... when you meet his mother, don't let on you and him are... well... you know. She's having a hard enough time."

I nodded. I was so close to Gabriel, I could almost touch him.