Juniper

The start of rafting season was my favorite time of year. I met up with old friends and made new ones with all the new river guides. I remembered when I first became a guide and how scared I was during my first trip. We're responsible for a raft of eight people of various skill levels and ages. During my first trip, I fell out while everyone else remained in the raft. They were all freaking out because none of them had been rafting before. I hadn't even graduated high school yet.

But I got back in the raft and pretended I was neither embarrassed nor nervous.

I hadn't seen fellow river guide Emily since last summer. She was about to enter her senior year of college. She was the second person I'd ever slept with. We made better friends than lovers, although she was the one who said I had 'great oral skills.' Gabriel said that, too. She always pulled her long unruly red hair into a messy bun. I was usually one of the first guides at the basecamp in the morning, and she arrived shortly after I did, maybe hoping to catch up with me as we prepared the raft lunches.

"It's good to see you, Juni," she said as I gathered the cans of beans for the typical three-bean salad. A typical raft lunch consisted of three-bean salad, rice, and a choice of protein, which included chicken, steak, salmon, or veggie burgers. "How have you been?"

"I can't complain," I replied. "How 'bout you?"

"I'm good. I can't remember... How long have you been doing this again?"

"Making bean salad or rafting?"

"Both," she giggled.

"I've been rafting since I was eight and a river guide since I was eighteen."

"That's a long time. Are you working at the Inn again this summer?"

"I might help out every now and then, but that's about it." With Gabriel in my life now, I wanted to save time for him, as long as he saved time for me.

"I was wondering if you'd like to get a drink later," she said. "Maybe we could catch up."

I stopped mixing the salad and turned to her because she didn't just want to 'catch up.' She was cute and a lot of fun, but she seemed to have forgotten why we ended our friends-with-benefits relationship. I didn't like her as much as she liked me. I didn't understand why at the time. When she suggested a drink, she was really asking for a hook up.

"I can't hook up with you," I said. "We ended it for a reason. Besides, I'm involved with someone and we're not into that ethically non-monogamous thing or poly or whatever it's called. I like monogamy."

"You're so boring sometimes. What's her name?" she asked as I resumed stirring the salad. She retrieved some tomatoes from the refrigerator.

"Gabriel," I said. I didn't mind disclosing his name because it was only a matter of time before everyone found out about him.

"Oh, shit," she laughed. "Were you gay when we fooled around? Or maybe you're not gay and—"

"I'm gay," I interrupted her. "Are you disappointed? Surprised?"

"I'm a little bit of both. I was looking forward to having fun with you. It's still good to see you. I bet you're a good boyfriend. He's lucky, and I mean that."

"I feel pretty lucky, too."

After I let Emily down, she connected with a new river guide, Jon, a sophomore in college and probably a better fit for her. It only took her a few rafting trips to build a connection.

In Maine, you don't have to be a trained river guide to go rafting. Anybody can go as long as you register the craft (i.e. boat or raft) prior to launching. Gabriel was always up for a white-water rafting adventure as long as I was with him. He said he'd never do it on his own or with anyone else who wasn't a trained guide.

My raft was half the size of a commercial raft. I warned Gabriel ahead of time that "We will flip over." It wasn't a matter of if.

Gabriel preferred rafting and camping on the Kennebec in the Forks. The Kennebec was nonstop white water for an hour, then another hour of still water. No matter how hard he tried, he could never get back in the raft by himself. I always had to heave him back in. It was always comical watching people try to pull themselves back into the raft. Gabriel was a strong guy, too, but still couldn't do it. To be honest, I think he enjoyed landing on top of me every time I hauled him back in.

I caught some of the best salmon on these camping trips, too.

With the warmer weather, I'd often find Gabriel sleeping naked on top of his sleeping bag. He definitely enjoyed the warmer months far better than the colder months. He didn't work nearly as much. I didn't think his desire to work less had anything to do with me.

But it had everything to do with me.

Exhausted and slightly sunburned, I dozed off on top of my sleeping back as Gabriel lay beside me, running his hand up and down my chest. "Remember how we've been talking about me moving in with you?" he said. We'd been talking about this since Passover. Two months later, he had yet to make up his mind, so I stopped bringing it up.

"I think I'm ready to give up my apartment. What do you think?"

"If you give up your apartment, then where do you expect to live?" I joked. "You could stay in the barn, I guess."

"Fuck you," he laughed, pinching my thigh.

"You know I like to be pinched."

Gabriel suddenly propped me on my hands and knees and slapped my ass, making me laugh so hard I could barely breathe. "Do you want me to call you a bad boy?" he said in my ear, groping my cock. "Because you are very naughty." He slapped my other butt cheek and yanked my hair back, sucking my neck. That drove me wild with desire.

It was a big step for Gabriel to give up his apartment, even though he already basically lived with me. He was afraid of getting burned again, so I understood why he was dragging his feet. As for me, I had nothing to lose. My dad was slowly getting used to the idea of accepting Gabriel as my boyfriend while he treated Halina's new boyfriend as a son-in-law, and they'd only been going out for six weeks.

"Maybe we could buy our own place someday," he said in my ear.

As much as I loved my cabin, I was open to the idea of buying a house with Gabriel. We hadn't reached that point yet, but we were close. I never did much of anything on my own. My dad was always there to guide and support me, maybe too much. I looked forward to doing something on my own, even if it was risky. Life was about taking risks, right?

"We should try living together first... for real," I said. "I know I drive you crazy because I'm such a slob and I make a mess of everything and..." My mind trailed off as he dragged his tongue down the center of my spine. "I'm so tired, but keep doing that. I'm so glad I took a shower." As he licked my hole, he smacked my ass again. "Oh, my God," I laughed. "People are gonna think I'm being beaten."

While we had our own campsite, there were lots of campers in the vicinity. It was far less busy in the winter.

"But you're laughing. I'm gonna fuck you now, okay? Are you ready?"

"Yeah."

I gasped as he entered me. Inside me, he clutched my hands, kissing my neck. No matter how many times we did it, it never got old.

***

Until Gabriel became an even bigger presence in my life, Mémère never gave up on hoping to marry me off to a beautiful woman in the hopes of having beautiful children. Nobody, not even Halina, spoke of my relationship with Gabriel. He was just a 'good friend.' Everyone tiptoed around the issue. I didn't know how to deal with it.

I thought Mémère would no longer love me if she knew the truth. Maybe she'd disown me as her grandson, and I was always her favorite. I let her believe Gabriel was just a very good friend and roommate. It was safer to say nothing.

By the Fourth of July, Gabriel had cleared out his apartment, storing much of his furniture in a storage unit since my cabin was already furnished. If we had a bigger house, we'd have use for his relatively new couch and matching two-seat sofa and chair. The idea of buying our own house excited me. Someday, I thought.

My dad loved throwing parties, and he was great at it. I always worked on the Fourth. In fact, it was one of the busiest rafting days of the season. By the time I got home at seven, the party was still underway. Since Gabriel had just worked a very long shift, I let him sleep while I joined the party.

People milled around inside and outside the farmhouse. Kids ran under the sprinklers and threw water balloons at each other. Around 9:30, someone would set off fireworks and hopefully not get hurt.

Halina found me right away, bombarding me as I poured myself a pint from the keg. "Hey," she said. "Where's Gabriel?"

"Asleep. Why?"

"I don't mean to ruin your night, but Mom is here with Mike."

Mike was my mother's born-again Christian husband. I'd never met him and had no desire to meet him. Violet unfollowed him on Facebook after he made an anti-Democratic/ ultra pro-Trump post. There were hints of anti-Semitism and homophobia in the post as well. Apparently, he'd had similar rants in the past. I never understood why Violet was friends with him, anyway. She took a social media hiatus after viewing such posts from my mother's religious circle.

"Are you kidding me? Why is she here?"

For whatever reason, my dad forgave her for leaving him... for leaving us. He never stopped loving her, and always invited her to parties and to dinner whenever she was in town. So far, she'd never shown up. She typically just visited Violet and the grandchildren. I hadn't seen her in almost two years.

"She was in town, so she figured she'd stop by since she knew everyone would be here. She's looking for you."

"I don't want to see her."

"Just say a quick hi. She's gonna find you, anyway. She knows where you live."

As I gulped down my beer, I spotted my mother chatting with Violet, acting like her best friend. I remembered her hair as dark and long--down to her ass, but now it was dyed blond and hung at her shoulders. She wore makeup and jewelry that she never wore before. While most of us wore shorts and t-shirts, she was dressed in a skirt and blouse, alongside her conservative Christian husband in his white button down shirt, tan khakis, and silver-rimmed glasses. As she glanced in my direction, I sucked it up and made my way to her.

"Juniper," she stated as I approached her. "Hi. I've been waiting for you to show up."

I was relieved she didn't try to hug me. I had no desire to hug her. "Hi, Mom," I said. "How are you?"

"I'm doing well. It's hot here, isn't it?"

"You live in Florida. You should be used to hot," I said.

"Hello, Juniper. It's good to see you again," Mike said. I'd only met him twice before.

I wondered what went wrong in my mother's life for her to run in the opposite direction. At one point, she was a left-winged hippie, part of the reason why she fell in love and married my father. Our land used to be a hippie commune. Something must have happened to have abandoned her life... to have abandoned her fifteen year old son.

I wasn't expecting Gabriel to wake up, but I spotted him wandering around the yard with a pint of beer. He stopped and talked to a few guests on his way to me. "Hey," I said to him.

"Hi," he said, patting my back. "Did you have fun today?"

"Yes. Um... uh... Gabriel, this is my mother and her husband, Mike."

"Hi. It's nice to meet you," Gabriel said, extending his hand to shake theirs. Neither Mike nor my mother raised their hands, keeping their arms at their sides. They looked at Gabriel like he was a dirty dog. I'd never been so angry or embarrassed in my entire life, and I didn't anger easily.

"Gabriel's a doctor," Halina said. "He works in the ER in Bangor."

"And what are you doing with my son?" my mother asked, glaring at him.

"I don't know. Ask him," Gabriel said, pointing to me. "I'm gonna go," he said to me. "I'll see you later."

Gabriel placed his pint on a nearby picnic table and walked off. My eyes followed him. My dad stopped him and the two chatted back and forth. He placed his hand on his shoulder, acting like a concerned father consoling his son. A mixture of emotions overwhelmed me. My dad had grown fond of Gabriel, treating him the same way as he treated Violet's husband. It also meant that Gabriel was clearly upset and/or as bothered as I was by my mother and her husband's actions.

"What bothers you the most?" I asked my mother and Mike. "The fact that he's Jewish or the fact that he's gay... because you know he's my boyfriend, right? He's my partner. We live together and we share a bed."

My mother pursed her lips, staring at me as Halina smirked and Violet shook her head either in shock, shame or annoyance. I could never tell with her.

"This is your father's doing, isn't it?" my mother said. "He didn't teach you any morals."

"Oh, come on, Mom," Violet said. "You know that's not true. Juni has morals. He's just in love with a man."

"And that's immoral." She quoted some lame ass bible verse, which did nothing but solidify my disdain for her.

"I have to get outta here," I said, backing away.

"I'll call you later," Halina said.

"Bye, Juni," Violet added.

I caught up to Gabriel and grabbed his arm, pulling him to me. "I'm all right," he assured me before I said anything. "I just wasn't prepared for that."

"Me neither. Come with me. Let's go for a walk." I held his hand, leading him to the stream where me and my sisters used to bathe when we were younger. I stripped down to my underwear and waded through the stream. "I don't know what happened to her," I said, referring to my mother. "She used to be cool. She had really long hair and she was always laughing and smiling. She and my dad would smoke weed out on the porch, and welcomed everyone into our home. The mother I once knew would never have treated you like a piece of shit. I don't know what happened to her. One day she found religion and now looks and acts like Marjorie Taylor Greene. I'm sorry she treated you like that. I don't know that woman. There's a reason why I don't speak to her."

"I must look really Jewish and really gay."

"I'm so embarrassed," I said. "I don't even know what to say."

"Say nothing. You did nothing wrong." Gabriel kicked off his flip-slops and stuck his feet in the stream.

"I'm still sorry. You know, Gabriel, I've been thinking that it would be cool to buy a house with you. It'd be a good thing, wouldn't it? But it's a big commitment and a lot of money."

"And now's not the time to buy a house. The housing market's terrible."

"Yeah, but it won't always be terrible. I like talking about our future together."

"Me too."

"And my mother can just go fuck herself. I don't want to talk about her anymore. I don't want to think about her. Are you hungry?"

"No."

"You probably lost your appetite, huh?" I said, flinging water at him. He crouched down and flung even more water at me. We splashed each other back and forth. Sopping wet, we returned to the cabin, shared a bottle of wine, and fooled around for two hours before crashing for the night. I wouldn't let my mother's attitude and crooked beliefs destroy my spirit.