Gabriel

For the next few days, the depression I experienced during the Cole drama and events that led to my move to Maine resurfaced. Juniper was hoping I'd say 'I love you.' He was feeling me out before he said it--and, he was right: he didn't tell me he loved me, not in those exact words, but he alluded to it. I did nothing but make him feel bad, to the point that he didn't want to be in the same room as me.

I hadn't spoken to Juniper in three days and Thanksgiving was tomorrow. I texted him and called him with no response. I had never felt so empty and so stupid. Work kept me sane. It saved me from drowning into the depths of despair while avoiding and acknowledging my feelings.

On my way out the door at three in the afternoon, ready for another lengthy shift, I accepted a call from my mother, even though I planned on calling my parents tomorrow. "Hi, Mom," I said.

"Well, hello! How are you, Gabriel? I can't believe you answered your phone! Why haven't you called your mother? You think because you're a fancy, rich doctor you're too good to call your own mother? You should move closer to home. Why do you have to live so far away?"

"Oye vey, Ma, I'm not a rich, fancy doctor. I'm heading to work right now. How are you and Dad?"

"Oh," she sighed. "I'm thinking about retiring."

My mother loved her job. She'd been at the same job for twenty years. "Why now? You're only fifty-eight. I thought you planned on working for another ten years."

"Yeah, well, you know that virus there... um... well, you know... it took a toll on us. I just don't think I can do it anymore."

"You mean COVID? Yeah, we made it through, and we keep on going. That's all we can do."

"I know. I just don't think I can do it anymore. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately... your father and I. I'm sorry for pressuring you to get married and have kids. You're a grown man and you've accomplished so much for your age. If you want to remain free and childless, that is totally your prerogative."

Free and childless? Her comments disturbed me. She didn't sound like herself. Maybe she was saying what she thought I wanted her to say so I'd move back to Brooklyn.

"And we're proud of you," she continued. "We never say that enough."

"What's going on, Ma? You've begged me for grandkids since I graduated from med school. And who knows? Maybe there's still hope for me."

"It's not about what I want, although I wish you were closer to home."

"Is Dad there? I'd like to talk to him," I said. I didn't have much time to talk, but I needed to find out what was going on.

"He's not here right now. It'd be nice if you made time to come see your parents. We're not getting any younger, you know."

"I'll be up in a few weeks. Tell Dad to give me a call. I'll be at work until five in the morning, so we'll talk tomorrow."

"I wish you wouldn't work so much. You'll work yourself to death."

"I'm fine. I gotta go. Love ya."

If Juniper was talking to me, I would have called him. Even though he talked a lot, he was a good listener and he would have helped process the conversation I just had with my mother. He'd probably reassure me that nothing was wrong and also guilt-trip me into seeing my parents more often. My urge to have this type of conversation with Juniper indicated he was way more than a 'boy toy' and a 'fuck.' We'd only known each for a short time, but I started to think of him as my other half. As an Ivy League educated physician, there was an arrogant, cocky side of me that never sought advice or guidance from anyone, especially the men I dated, no matter how much I thought I loved them. As I'd said over and over, Juniper was different. I sought his advice. I respected his opinions.

He was someone I couldn't just let go. On my way to work, I stopped at a florist and bought a dozen red roses. I thought he'd prefer yellow, but I couldn't find any. I wouldn't let him shut me out. After work, I planned on making the trip to his cabin. He never uninvited me to Thanksgiving dinner at the Doirons.' I left the roses in my car while I worked. They were still alive and well when I returned to my car after my shift.

At seven a.m., I knocked on Juniper's door and waited outside in the chilly morning air, admiring the spectacular view of the mountain in the early morning sun. I noticed a dusting of snow in the trees. On the way to the cabin, I spotted several animals, including a moose. After I almost hit a buck, I slowed down, driving thirty miles an hour. It took me almost two hours to get here. I bet moose lurked in the nearby forest. Finally, the door opened and Juniper stood there wearing nothing but his underwear, bleary-eyed with his hair sticking up everywhere. At his presence, my heart raced and butterflies fluttered in my stomach.

"Hi," I said. "Good morning. You never said I was uninvited, so here I am. I got you these, hoping you'd let me in and--"

He didn't wait for me to finish, pulling me into his arms. We hugged each other tightly. "Happy Thanksgiving," he said.

I pushed him away and held his bare shoulders, gazing into his eyes. "I love you," I said.

He nodded, taking me in his arms again. "I love you, too. I'm so glad you're here. Do you wanna take a nap? I'll start a fire and make breakfast. It's cold in here, isn't it?"

"Yeah, it's freezing in here, and you're half naked," I said as he tossed the roses on the table. He pushed down his underwear and stepped out of them.

"Here," he said, handing me his underwear. "I'll be in the living room, sitting in front of the fire. I just need to get it started. It'll be warm and cozy in no time."

As he walked away, heading to the living room, I clutched his wrist and pulled him to me, kissing his mouth. He broke away from me, his cheeks flushed. "I'll be in the living room when you're ready."

I couldn't just shower and take a nap, not with the sexiest man alive downstairs, naked and waiting for me 'whenever I was ready,' he said. With a towel around his waist, I followed the sound of the TV and found Juniper in the living room, naked and standing in front of the TV and blazing fire, drinking a cup of coffee. A half-full French press sat on the end table by the couch with an extra mug. I yawned, sitting on the couch.

"I thought you were taking a nap," he said. "You've been up all night."

"I'll take one soon," I replied, admiring Juniper's ass. I wasn't sure why he was standing, and I didn't ask.

"I think I need glasses. Would you still love me if I wore glasses?"

"No. I don't date nerds," I joked.

He glanced over his shoulder, appalled at my response. I couldn't tell if his reaction was serious or not. "But you're a nerd," he said. "You went to an Ivy League school. You're a super nerd."

"I'm just joking. If you need glasses, get glasses. Come sit down."

As he sat beside me, I brought my arm around him, holding him close. "I'll make breakfast," he said.

"No, I'll make breakfast. You've done enough." Juniper turned to me and pressed his hand on the back of my neck, staring deeply into my eyes.

"I'm glad you're here," he said as I stroked his thigh. He guided my hand to his dick. It didn't take much to get him in the mood. "I think I have a sex addiction. I've been suffering from extreme withdrawal."

"Yeah, it's been tough," I said, pulling him into my lap.

Kissing my neck, Juniper opened my towel and massaged my dick, letting it harden in his hand. He kissed my mouth, placing his hand on the back of my neck. We kissed harder, moaning as our dicks rubbed together, his tongue toying with mine. He scooted off my lap and knelt on the floor between my legs.

No one gave blow jobs quite like him. Grasping a clump of hair, I pushed him down on me. He gagged, laughing, as he attempted to deep throat me. It always took him a couple of tries to succeed. When he did, wow... His eyes peered up at me, my dick all the way in his mouth.

"I fucking love you," I said.

He released me, exhaling. He reached for a bottle on the end table and lathered my dick with lube.

"I can't believe you have a bottle lying around."

"Yeah. I have a bottle in every room," he said, holding my dick against his hole. "Just joking. I'm not that much of a sex-crazed addict. Or maybe I am. Oh, fuck, baby..." He brought his lips to mine as he pushed down on me.

I always told him he'd make a great porn star. He had tremendous strength in his legs. Although I was inside him, he had complete control, bouncing up and down. He rocked back and forth, driving me wild with desire and pleasure. Still inside him, he hooked his legs around me, allowing me to pick him up and guide him to the floor. As he lay on the floor, I pushed his legs all the way back as if he was about to do a backwards somersault. Hovering over him, I reinserted my dick.

"Oh, my God, fuck. I love that," he whispered. "Don't let me come."

"And how am I supposed to do that? That's stupid, 'don't let me come,'" I mocked him. He brought his legs down, forcing me to withdraw. He pushed me on my back and grabbed one of my ankles, holding it at his shoulder. With no hesitation, he thrust inside me, kissing my big toe as he thrust.

As he gained momentum, he leaned over and kissed me hard on my mouth. He sucked my bottom lip, moaning as his body trembled. I dug my fingers into his back as he grasped a clump of my hair. We'd gotten to know each other so well, we knew when the other was about to come. We'd never come simultaneously, though... not until this morning. He withdrew, allowing remnants of his orgasm to trickle out of me. His dick slipped back inside me. He flipped me on my stomach and held me upright.

"Fuck, Juniper. How are you doing that? You're superhuman."

"Yeah, superhuman strength and virility," he said with his lips on my neck.

But his strength gave out and we both fell to the floor. I felt as though I was about to pass out. "I need sleep," I mumbled into the rug. As much as I loved Juniper on top of my back, it was time to pause.

"Go to sleep," he said. "I'm gonna take a shower."

Thoroughly exhausted, I lay on my stomach, closing my eyes. If I didn't get sleep, I'd never make it through dinner. Juniper dropped a blanket over me as I rested in front of the fire. I was comfortable on the floor.

The next time I opened my eyes, Juniper was sitting on the couch, sipping what looked to be a Bloody Mary. I had no idea how long I'd been asleep. It must have been at least four hours because I felt well rested. Juniper was showered and dressed, wearing black jeans and an apricot colored button down long sleeved shirt. I didn't pack a bag, but I had clothes stashed somewhere in his house, along with a toothbrush. I couldn't show my face at his father's house in dirty hospital scrubs.

"Good morning," he said. "I got you a drink." He pointed to the extra Bloody Mary on the end table.

"What time is it?"

"One o'clock. Don't worry. Halina shows up at ten a.m. every Thanksgiving. Dinner's not until three. As you know, my family's French-Canadian, so the stuffing is made with pork sausage and my mémère makes the best Tourtière, which is pork pie, which you can't have, either, but you're in luck because I made challah chestnut stuffing. It was a pain in the ass to make because I had to make the challah bread. I couldn't find a place that sold it. I found a recipe online."

With the blanket wrapped around me, I picked up the Bloody Mary and sat beside Juniper. "You didn't really make separate stuffing, did you?"

"You're lucky I like to cook."

"I fucking love you," I said, in awe of his thoughtfulness. "You didn't have to do that."

"You fucking love me now? You didn't fucking love me three days ago. I guess all I have to do is make you challah chestnut stuffing."

"How'd you know I'd even show up?"

"You sent me a hundred text messages. I never uninvited you. I'm not an asshole."

"I've never had chestnuts before. I'm looking forward to it. My mother usually uses crackers in her stuffing. This is a damn good Bloody Mary, by the way. I better not drink too much because I haven't eaten anything since last night and I'd rather not pass out on the bathroom floor."

I was starving and couldn't wait to eat. I'd met Juniper's family at the party after the harvest fair, but it was a brief encounter. The idea of spending an entire afternoon with his father was anxiety-provoking, no matter how much Juniper tried to ease my nerves. I'd never introduced any lover to my parents. Juniper wore his heart on his sleeve, so I wasn't sure how he'd pull off pretending I was a friend.

Before today, Juniper led me to believe only his father, grandmother, his sisters, brother-in-law, and young nieces and nephews would be there. As Juniper and I approached the farmhouse, I realized Thanksgiving at the Doirons was far more than a small family gathering. There was a line of cars down the country dirt road.

As we entered, Christmas music blared, not something I was expecting, but I never knew what to expect anymore. "Sorry," Juniper said. "I forgot to tell you Christmas starts early in my house because we don't get to see everyone on Christmas Day. There are no presents or anything. Does the music bother you? I should have warned you."

"Don't worry," I said, patting his back. "I'm not anti-Christmas."

His sister, Halina, found us right away and handed us both a drink. "It's Crown Royal and ginger-ale," Juniper explained. "You don't have to drink it. It's sort of a family thing."  Almost everyone drank Crown Royal, a french Canadian whiskey, mixed with ginger-ale and grenadine. I didn't want to feel left out, so I accepted the glass. It was a good thing I wasn't working until three tomorrow afternoon. At this rate, I was on my way to getting drunk.

"It's good to see you, Gabriel," Halina said. "Welcome to the madhouse."

Juniper introduced me to his uncles Emil, Lou, and Pierre, his father's brothers. I forgot Pierre and Lou's wives names seconds after Juniper introduced me. Emil lost his wife, Natalie, last year of breast cancer. Somehow I remembered the deceased woman's name. I then met his ninety-five-year-old great aunt Georgette, who was both hard of hearing and visually impaired. She had no children of her own. "We all think she's a lesbian," Juniper whispered to me. "If you saw a picture of her when she was younger you'd agree with me."

"Yeah, totally," Halina added. Halina tended to linger around us as if she wanted in on Juniper's world, but he was hesitant to let her or anyone else in it.

Juniper didn't bother to introduce me to his cousins, but he waved to them. "Come on," he said. "Let me get you a drink and something to eat." 

Another drink? I'd barely finished the first drink.

Juniper's family threw one hell of a party. There was no shortage of food or drinks, that's for sure.  He pointed out all the appetizers that contained pork, always thinking of me. He couldn't make any recommendations because he liked everything. I'd never had fiddleheads before. Juniper's family served them roasted with lemon on crostinis. They were damn good. I expected lots of poutine, and I didn't see any poutine. 

"Where's the poutine?" I asked.

"We don't serve poutine on Thanksgiving," he laughed, shoving my shoulder playfully. "I'll make you some another time."

Juniper's dad made his rounds just like he did at the harvest party. He found Juniper and gave him a hug. "Where ya been, Juni?"

"I overslept," he said.

"You overslept? That doesn't sound like you." Mr. Doiron turned to me. "It's Gabriel, right?"

"Yes. Thanks for having me over," I said, shaking his hand.

"No problem. Juni made some damn good stuffing for you. I tasted it and gave my honest opinion. He says you don't eat pork for religious reasons. You're Jewish, right?"

"Yes."

"I hope all this Christmas music doesn't bother you."

"No. It's fine. Thank you."

Ronnie Doiron was pulled in a different direction, saving me from more awkwardness. If I was just merely a friend, it wouldn't have been so bad. He seemed like a decent guy. I could see the resemblance between him and Juniper. I wondered if it was necessary for me and Juniper to lie. I couldn't picture him being a homophobic asshole. He and his sisters looked like the type who would accept him no matter what; however, looks could be deceiving.

By dinner, everyone had moved onto red wine. By now, I'd already had one Bloody Mary and two Crown Royal drinks. Juniper had had a little more, not like I was counting. If he drank too much, I was afraid he'd let his guard down and touch me in a way that would suggest we were more than friends.

Dinner was served buffet-style. With our plate of food and bottle of wine, Juniper and I sat outside in the brisk November air on one of the picnic tables. His uncles Emil and Lou were outside, too, speaking in French. Everyone spoke French, even though everyone here was born in the United States.

"Do you speak French, too?" I asked Juniper.

"Yes. Can you?"

"No. I can speak Hebrew and a little Spanish."

"There you guys are!" Halina exclaimed, approaching us at our small table. "Juni, the stuffing you made is incredible. It's all gone."

"I'll have to make it again," he said.

"I have to say it's weird that Juni spent four hours making special Jewish stuffing for someone he just met."

"We didn't just meet," he said. "We've been friends for almost three months. Anyway, I like to cook. It was no big deal, and everyone liked it."

Halina leaned into the table as she was about to divulge a big secret. "Dad's gonna lose his mind when he finds out."

"Find out what?" Juniper said. He was either naive or insistent on continuing the charade.

"You two are not friends," she whispered. "Dad's already had one heart attack. You're gonna give him another one. Remember how disappointed he was when you told him you wanted to be a teacher? He expected you to become his business partner. He still does. And he expects you to carry on the family name. This is going to devastate him."

Juniper swallowed hard as his body tensed.

"Let's not discuss this right now," I said, placing my hand on Juniper's bouncing knee under the table. I rubbed my thumb back and forth against his knee cap. "Hey, Juniper. It's gonna be all right. Your father's not the type to disown his kids. He might be shocked and disappointed, like you said..." Juniper looked down at his near empty plate as a few tears fell. Halina didn't seem to realize how upset she'd made him.

"Why does this always happen to me?" Halina sulked, resting her elbows on the table with her chin in her palms. She and Juniper had similar mannerisms, both overly animated. "All the good men are either married or gay."

Juniper didn't look up, focused on his plate. "Hey, introduce me to Sandy," I said to him. "Take me for a ride."

"Oh, I see," Halina said. "You want to be alone. Well, don't let me stop you. Maybe you can figure a way out of this mess."

Juniper jumped to his feet and stormed off with the bottle of wine. "Stop it," I said to his sister, standing up. "You've really upset him or didn't you notice? Don't follow us. Stay here."

"You better be good to him."

"Yeah, like you just were?"

My walk turned into a run, down to the barn where I hoped to find Juniper. He stood by a horse, brushing her mane with one hand and holding his glass of wine with the other. I'd left my glass at the table. I picked the bottle up from the ground and drank from it. He sniffed, chuckling at the same time. "Classy, huh?" I said.

"She's actually jealous, you know," he said. "She's mad because she wanted to get with you. She changes men as often as she changes careers." He stopped brushing his horse and turned to me. "How did she know? I didn't tell anyone."

"Your sister must know you well, and some people just have good gay-dar. Besides, you spent fours making me Jewish stuffing."

"That's stupid. I always cook. I like to cook. It's no big deal."

"It is a big deal. And I should apologize, Juniper. I touched you a lot, not always realizing it," I said, running my hand up and down his back. "Your back... your arms... your hands... Some people are really observant, and if Halina has a little crush on me, she would have noticed."

Juniper wobbled back and forth before stumbling to the ground. I couldn't tell if he fell by accident or he purposely put himself on the ground. "I can't take you for a ride," he said. "I think I've had too much to drink."

"I think so, too." I helped him to his feet and walked him back to the cabin. It was my turn to take care of him.