Gabriel

As I stepped out of the shower, I noticed an extra toothbrush and comb on the bathroom sink. They'd probably been there all week and I was just realizing it now. What did that say about Juniper? What did that say about us? We had incredible chemistry together with incredible sex, but our relationship had reached a new level, one that wasn't just about sex. I laughed to myself as I wandered around my apartment, picking up random pieces of Juniper's clothing. His messiness proved he wasn't perfect.

Even though we spoke all the time and saw each other two to three times a week, my heart stopped for a second every time his name lit up my phone. My hands became clammy like a lovesick teenager. In the middle of picking up Juniper's clothes, my phone buzzed and I happily answered it, relieved it wasn't the hospital again. I'd been working too much. Yesterday I worked fourteen hours, from three p.m. to five a.m. I slept for five hours before getting up to take a shower. I barely knew what day it was. The day before yesterday, I worked sixteen hours.

I'd always answer the phone for Juniper. "Hey," I said.

"You wouldn't believe the size of the turkey my dad caught."

His enthusiasm and excitement brought an even bigger smile to my lips. I wished I could be as happy as he was.

"It's like the biggest one I'd ever seen. You gotta come over for Thanksgiving."

Every year, Ronnie Doiron caught, prepared, and cooked the turkey. There were no shortages of turkey in the area, that's for sure. One morning, I woke to a gaggle of turkeys outside while Juniper slept right through the noise. I'd never had wild turkey before. I heard it tasted slightly different than regular turkey, or at least that's what Juniper said.

I was working the overnight shift before Thanksgiving, so I was hesitant to accept Juniper's invitation to spend Thanksgiving Day with him and his family. No man had ever invited me to a holiday dinner. I tried to forget about last Thanksgiving. Cole had just checked himself out of a rehab after only three days. I volunteered to work so I didn't have to think about anything. I came home to find Cole sitting on the couch nodding off. Right before he went to rehab, I found him overdosing on the bathroom floor, forced to administer Narcan to save his life. He promised he'd go to rehab and stay there 'until he was clean,' but he broke his promise like he always did. A week later, my prescription pad went missing.

Juniper hated the idea of me being alone. I didn't mind the idea because I planned on sleeping all day. For the past month, my parents guilt-tripped me every time we spoke for not taking time off to spend the holiday with them. It'd been four years since I spent Thanksgiving with them. I didn't have enough seniority at the hospital to request multiple days off. I hoped to visit them in a couple of weeks. "Maybe next year," I told them.

If Juniper and I simply had a sexual relationship, then I'd consider myself still 'in lust' with him, and while our physical attraction toward each other was intense, I realized we weren't merely 'in lust.' If that was the case, then we would have done nothing else but fuck. When we shared a bed, whether it was at my place or his, we didn't always feel the need to fuck. Sometimes just being together was enough. We enjoyed each other's company, and we made each other laugh. He no longer talked incessantly. He let me talk and he actively listened.

Juniper and I talked every night. Neither of us used work or bad phone service as an excuse not to talk. I called him on his landline as soon as I got home, whether it was five or six o'clock in the evening or at midnight. If it was midnight, Juniper usually grunted hi and bye. I didn't blame him for not willing to have a lengthy conversation.

I called him because I wanted to hear his voice, to find out how his day was, and to discuss anything and everything. He made me laugh every time we spoke. I looked forward to telling him about my day.

Juniper wasn't perfect, because nobody was perfect, as Juniper often said. I'd discovered some flaws, his vulnerabilities, areas where he lacked self-confidence. His imperfections just reminded me that he was human, that he was real. He was a highly emotional person, but not to the point where he was emotionally dysregulated.

"Have you ever had wild turkey before?" he continued.

"No, I can't say that I have."

"Please come over. I've been baking pies like you wouldn't believe." The Doirons sold most of the pies he baked, but Juniper saved some for the family.

"You need to clean up your shit," I said, attempting to change the subject. "I'm finding your clothes all over the place."

He had no interest in talking about picking up his clothes. "Halina makes the best Bloody Marys. We start drinking at ten and continue all day and into the evening."

"Wow. How could I refuse that?"

We were at a point in our relationship that we wanted to be together all the time, although I would never admit it. I was more cautious than I was with previous relationships, claiming I didn't want to rush things. This relationship was different from the other's. As always, I didn't trust my instincts. I wasn't sure I even trusted Juniper--still, after all this time--even though he'd given me no reason not to trust him.

Despite my exhaustion, I welcomed him into my apartment. I couldn't argue with him since he was making dinner: Some kind of chicken. I bet it was fresh chicken from the farm. Every time he saw me, he acted like we hadn't seen each other in weeks or months.

As I dozed on and off on the couch, Juniper prepared dinner, talking the whole time in between taking sips of wine. He always refused my help. He said I was always in the way, so I kept my distance. I was too tired to help, anyway. It's not like I was totally inept in the kitchen.

He made some kind of parmesan-crusted chicken with thyme, baby red potatoes, and sauteed spinach on the side. I didn't have a dining room table, so we ate on my couch. My apartment was scarcely furnished because I didn't know how long I planned on staying here. My move to Maine was an impulsive move. Sometimes I wondered why I didn't move to Florida. I mean, why couldn't I have picked a warmer state? That was a moot point now. I had a growing attachment to someone.

"You look really tired," he stated as we finished dinner. "Do you want me to clean up and go?"

"No. I don't want you to go."

"You work too much. Do you have to work so much?"

"Yep," I replied, sipping my wine. "I want you to stay the night. My bed is cold without you in it, and I'll see you on Thanksgiving."

"That means you're coming?"

"Yes. I work until five a.m. I'll be there around six thirty. I'll just need a few hours' sleep when I get there. Happy now?"

He nodded, pouncing on my lap. I was crazy about this man. He knelt upright, undoing his baggy jeans. He loved being naked. One time I found him walking around my apartment with his clothes off and the blinds open, forgetting we weren't in the middle of nowhere. Fortunately, it was early in the morning. "Let's go," I said, pinching his ass. Juniper was unique in so many ways. He discovered he enjoyed pain, like pinching and squeezing, not something I particularly enjoyed receiving, but I didn't mind doing it. He even encouraged me to use my teeth when going down on him. And the harder I pulled his hair, the louder he moaned. "I have a surprise."

"You do? I love surprises." He hopped off my lap and shed the rest of his clothes.

I had the perfect bed frame to attach leather cuffs to the bed posts. I dug out my bag of toys and removed four pairs of leather cuffs. "Lie down," I instructed him.

"You're gonna tie me up?"

"Yes, if that's okay."

"Sure. Let's try it."

"Don't you ever argue with anything?"

"When there's something worth arguing about," he said, sprawled out on my bed. "Okay, baby, tie me up." I slapped a cuff on his left wrist, followed by his right. He laughed hysterically as I attached the cuffs to the bed posts. He laughed even harder as I fastened the cuffs to his ankles. I quickly undressed and knelt between his open legs.

"I like you like this," I said, brushing my hand lightly over his dick. His gaze didn't stray from mine, staring intently at me. As I held his dick, I bounced it against my tongue, teasing him. He tugged at the straps as I took his dick in my mouth, relaxing again as I released him. He sighed a happy sigh as I dragged my tongue up and down his chest and over his stomach. I licked him everywhere... up and down each side of his pelvis, his thighs and legs, over his balls. He typically enjoyed masturbating while I licked various parts of his body, but the restraints prevented him from doing so. I was afraid the straps would cause marks on his wrists.

"Is it too much?" I asked. "Do you want me to untie you?"

"No. This is fun. It's soooo much fun."

"I've never done it like this before," I admitted, squeezing lube on his dick. After our trip to Acadia where Juniper surprised me with an amazing bareback fuck, we both got tested for STIs to ease our minds. He hung our infectious-free reports on his refrigerator to be a wise ass, blacking out our names in case his dad paid an unexpected visit. For some reason, he thought it was funny. "Are you okay with this?"

"Yeah," he squeaked out. "I love fucking you."

And I loved him fucking me. His dick was the perfect length. He could reach my prostate like no one else. I lowered myself onto him, letting him fill me completely. I balanced myself, pressing my hands on his stomach.

"Fuck," he muttered, turning his head away from me.

"Look at me, Juniper," I said, leaning over with his dick throbbing inside me. Any second he was about to explode. As our eyes met, I kissed his mouth. He giggled as I ran my fingers under his arms.

"I'm gonna come," he said. "Oh fuck, Gabriel..." His back arched and he cried out so loud the whole floor probably heard him, making me worried that someone would think I'm beating the shit out of him. 

"Ssh... ssh, Juniper," I said, quickly releasing his wrists, taking him in my arms. He continued to whimper against my shoulder as I held him. I grasped a clump of his hair, kissing his mouth to muffle his sounds.

I undid his ankle straps as he lay on his back, more relaxed. He was strangely quiet. Resting beside him, I propped myself on my elbow. "Hey," I said, caressing his cheek. "Is everything okay?"

"Yes," he sighed, staring at the ceiling.

"That doesn't sound convincing. What's going on?"

"I've been thinking, Gabriel, and I think I'm a coward."

"You let me tie you up, you're a white water river guide, you host moose safaris. I'm still waiting for my tour, by the way. Oh, and you go camping in sub degree temperatures. You're no coward."

"That just means I'm a thrill seeker... an adrenaline junkie. I'm gay, and I should tell my family I'm gay. I'm not bisexual. But I'm a fucking coward and I'm afraid to tell them."

"I know how you feel," I said. "It's not as simple as being a coward or a hero. It's complicated, right? Neither of us want to disappoint our families. Intellectually, we both know there's nothing wrong with being gay, but there's a part of us that wishes we weren't."

"I guess. Sometimes my heart hurts, Gabriel. And it's not like I'm about to have a heart attack. It's hard to explain. I worry that you don't feel the same way about me. I don't know. Do you think I'm crazy?"

"No, you're not crazy," I said. "I'm hesitant to say how I feel based on previous experiences. You're far different and I don't want to fuck it up. Whatever we have going, I want to continue."

"Just tell me how you feel. If you're not serious about me... if I'm just a fuck, then tell me. I care, but I don't care. I just want to know." Juniper paused before continuing. "But it's not just sex, is it? If it's just about sex, then it'll get pretty boring, right?"

"You're right. Relationships can't survive on sex alone." The last thing I wanted to do was have a deep discussion about relationships right now. Seconds ago we were flying high. The mood turned far too serious, killing the high. "Do you really want to have this talk right now? We're both tired and drained."

"Yeah, I want to have this talk now," he said, sitting up.

"Okay, let me tell you something. I've never been in a non-toxic relationship. Sometimes I don't realize they're toxic until months into the relationship. Sometimes I know within a few weeks, but I still stay."

"How do you define toxic and non-toxic? And what does that have to do with us, anyway?"

"Toxic relationship..." I had to think about how I wanted to define it. "It's not just an abusive relationship. It's more subtle than that. I mean, abusive relationships are always toxic. I've always given way more than I've ever received... like in every single relationship. No matter how much I gave, I always felt like it wasn't good enough. My self-esteem was shot. You wouldn't think that would happen to a doctor, right? By paying for things like rent, dinners, and other things, I buy men's love. If I don't do those things, then I feel unwanted... unloved... unlovable. I confuse lust with love. You're different, Juniper. You've never yelled at me or made me feel bad because I didn't do or say something. I feel genuinely good around you. I'm not walking on eggshells, and I'm not always defending myself. You never ask for anything. You bought me dinner for my birthday. You remembered my birthday! And I don't deserve anything... I don't deserve you."

"Why do you say things like that? I could say the same. Maybe I don't deserve you."

"You're an angel, Juniper."

"Fuck you," he said, pouncing on top of me. "I still don't know how you feel about me. I get that I'm not toxic and you're weird and think of me as an angel, which I'm not, but--"

"You're kind of devilish, too," I said, pinching his ass. One day, I expected him to ask me to spank him. He was no longer in the mood to play.

"You avoided my question, which makes me kinda worried." He got off me and sat there, massaging his wrists and avoiding my eyes. "I've never been in love before, so I don't know what it's supposed to feel like. Maybe it's love, maybe it's infatuation. I don't know. It's just that... well, you're the first person I think of in the morning and the last person I think of at night. Maybe I'm just obsessed, but I'm not the type of person who becomes obsessed easily."

In the past, men who claimed to love me almost always wanted or expected something in return. I'd never experienced unconditional love from another man; it was always conditional. I didn't know how to react to Juniper's comments.

"Do you think it's possible to be in love after three months?" he asked.

"I don't know the difference between lust, love, and infatuation. And I'm not ready for this fucking conversation. It's way too serious and way too soon and way too late at night."

He scooted off the bed and headed out of the bedroom.

"Hey, Juniper, where are you going?"

"I'm going home," he said. "I don't want to be here right now."

"Why? I didn't say I wanted you to leave."

He didn't respond, continuing to walk out of the room. I followed him and watched him get dressed. It was always uncomfortable when Juniper was silent because it wasn't the norm. "How could you love me? You don't know me."

"Did I say I loved you?" he said, pulling up his jeans. "I thought about it, but I'd already made a complete ass of myself, so I'm just gonna shut up and go home. I'm just a toy to you, aren't I?"

No man had ever spoken to me like Juniper did. If anything, I was the one who sounded more like Juniper, doing whatever I could to convince the man to express their love and adoration for me.  And now I treated him like men treated me. Maybe I was the one who was toxic.

I couldn't find my voice. There were so many things I wanted to say, but the words wouldn't come.

"Find a boy toy on Tinder or Grindr or whatever guys use to hook up. In case you're wondering, I'd never let anyone I didn't trust or love tie me up."

I let him walk out without a word.