AN: thought I'd just write something before I went to the hospital. This is how I basically feel right now.

Jumin looked down at Jaehee, brushing some of her hair behind her ear. He still didn't know what was wrong with her.

He knew it was cancer. He knew it was bad. He didn't know what kind of cancer it was, but he knew it was bad.

As Jumin sat by Jaehee, holding her hand as tightly as he could, holding his breath each time the heart monitor made a noise as if it were going to stop, he thought to himself....

What's the worst part of having someone that you love suffer from cancer?

Maybe it was the memories. Memories of them in healthier days. Watching them run around with energy, laugh and act completely normal. Healthy. Energetic. Strong.

Jaehee was strong, really strong. And she was fighting. But, if you fight for too long with no break, you need something to eat, something to drink, time to rest. And when you don't get it...

You lose energy. You lose strength. You lose, in some cases, your life.

The worst thing isn't the memories because the memories are still being made and they aren't done yet; you can't blame something that isn't finished.

You make think "She'll beat it, she'll beat the cancer." But no. No, you see, Jaehee isn't fighting cancer. Jaehee is fighting herself. They say you can lose yourself to cancer and that's true. Jaehee isn't fighting an illness, she is fighting herself, trying to get her lungs and liver and stomach to fight the cancer but they don't want to because they're scared and feel like they can't make a difference. So while the cancer comes close and closer behind Jaehee, comes closer and closer to attacking her, she won't be able to turn around and fight because she's already been fighting her body to keep it healthy

Maybe the worst thing is the way she looks.

That isn't meant to offend Jaehee, as Jaehee is a strong, kind, independent woman. But when that woman is broken down and her skin grows pale and she's so thin because she can't keep anything down and she's connected to wires and needles and her lips are chapped and her eyes are always filled with tears.... that's not Jaehee. That's the cancer.

The cancer is like a makeup artist with a sick, twisted way of seeing beauty. And it decided to practice on Jaehee.

No, you can't blame the looks. Looks don't matter. What matters is what's on the inside.

But what's on the inside of Jaehee?

Tumors and cancer, wires and needles and drugs and ink and all sorts of things fighting to keep her alive. But they can't. They won't. They'll lose.

Some twisted, awful people say that "you shouldn't waste your money on someone with cancer because they're going to die anyways." But that sick, twisted person forgot that he too shall die.

In this case, we are all a waste of money, which we are.

One day, when Jaehee wasn't overtaken by the drugs, she told Jumin "We are not only a waste of money, but a waste of trees and water and air and oxygen and roads and materials. We all are. We are all going to die. And all we did was waste the world away and destroy this planet and destroy the other beings in it. The species that we have killed off are going to come back for revenge, though, as an explosive star called the Sun that will destroy Earth and wipe us all out. There will be no one left to remember Martin Luther King, or J F Kennedy, or Me or You. We will be nothing, because we always have been nothing."

Jaehee had much more to say then that, but the drugs took over and conked her out. She didn't remember what she said by the next morning.

Jumin listened to Jaehee's rant, though, and he remembered every word. Every. Word.

He remembered everything he could about her because he knew he could lose her. He could lose her kindness, her attitude, her skills, her confidence, her smile, her laughter, her constant habit of tapping her pen to her forehead, her eyes, her lips, the taste of those lips, the feeling of her body pressed against his as they attempted the sleep but only did other things.

But Jumin couldn't lose her. No, there was no way in the entire universe he could lose Jaehee. There's mathematically a 0.000% chance that he could lose her. Why?

Because she was already lost. Not dead... but not alive, either.

This sleeping, tired, frail woman wasn't Jaehee Kang, and Jumin would never get back Jaehee Kang.

No. The worst part of having someone you love suffer from cancer...

Is watching as they lose who they are before they lose their life.

AN:this basically sums up how I feel right now. And now I have to go to the hospital. Again. Where my friend will yell at me and tell me I don't understand. Again.

I love you guys, thank you for supporting me 💛💛💛~TheWeeWeeaboo