Warning: Self hatred/ panic attacks

Jaehee thought of herself as easily replaceable, always had. She always had words repeated in her head from what she headed about her all the time.

I don't like you

Go away

Fuck you

Burden...

She curled up in the bed as she kept thinking. Somebody else can take her place so easily. The RFA could replace her, Mr. Han could replace her as an assistant... Jumin could replace her as a lover. She shouldn't break down in his bed right now, try to at least be a good girlfriend and not put anything on him. She couldn't help hugging herself and she couldn't help her breathing starting to quicken. It was the middle of the night and she was having an attack... You can't do anything right... She wanted to get up and deal with it in the bathroom or something! She wanted to not disturb the sleeping man beside her. The thing was, he had a tight hold on her, his arm around her waist and had his grip gotten tighter? "Jaehee..." She heard him say. She didn't say anything because her throat closed as she felt herself want to cry but no tears coming out. "Jaehee," He said, louder this time. Her breathing got faster and he sat up, setting her up in the process. "Jaehee!" He said in worry. She cried only a little bit but enough to break the dam of free flowing tears and she held onto herself. "Jaehee, listen to me, look at me," He held onto her face to force her to look at him. "I want you to hold your breath for a little bit, can you do that?" She nodded as she held her breath. "Okay, that's good, that's good. Okay, now, I want you to let go of it, slowly. Can you do that?" She nodded again before letting go of her breath at a slow pace. "Jaehee. Alright, you're doing wonderful, beautiful," He kissed her on her cheek. "Okay, now please don't run away, I know you want to but you have to trust me, okay?"

"O-okay,"

"Okay," She wanted to tell him about everything, everything that she thought and everything that she was keeping from him. She couldn't though, not yet.

You're too mean, Jaehee! This is why nobody likes you

"I love you," Jumin said as he kissed her again, almost like he read her thoughts and fought whatever was saying that to her. She nearly cried again when he said that, not feeling like she deserved it.

"Jumin," He buried his face into the nape of her neck and wrapped his arms around her. She knew she'd probably feel better if she told him. "Don't leave me... Please..." Jaehee begged quietly, barley above a whisper but Jumin heard it. She felt like she would die if he told her he'd leave her at some point. That was the logical response but she kinda wanted to die right now, it wasn't a good response at the moment.

"I won't... I can't, not ever," Jumin said. He muttered things as he loved her, hugging, kissing, touching, anything to distract her from her self hating thoughts. "God, please don't think of yourself like that, I love you. So perfect," He loved her, he's right. He loved her so much. Jaehee could almost feel her mind clear up a bit and she wrapped her arms around him and leaned into him until he had no choice but to lay on the bed.

"I want to stay like this," She buried her face into his chest and he started to pet her hair.

"We can stay like this however long you want. I'm here. I love you and so does the RFA," Jumin said, giving Jaehee one final kiss on the head. She still felt bad and still felt after effects from crying and still had those horrible thoughts but she had Jumin. Jumin always tried his best to calm her, always tried to see what he could do to help. She felt like she mattered for the first time in a long time again.

Wanted angst? No? Good because I think this was a bit shitty. Inspired by the beautiful video above, show it some love. Called [SMS] Afraid|| Mystic Messenger MEP.