i need to talk about loneliness, the hollow carved into my chest
i need something to fill me up baby, need hands on me your hands please give me
sun i need warmth i need i need i need the sun splitting like an overripe fruit under my longing

and god, god i want to touch you god am i wrong? to want this? how the horizon cleaves you in two,
how half of you is mine and the other half is blue. bad time to be a kid, baby. bad time to be a
boy the colour of someone else, bad time to paint yourself and PICTURE THIS: the line of your face suddenly
gold. gold rusts. you rust, fall apart and i don't cry. this happens now. fire in your eyes, nothing in mine
I AM NOT PASSIONATE AND THAT IS SOMETHING PEOPLE NEED TO UNDERSTAND i have nothing inside me?

crack open my chest and sand spills out i can pretend there's something there i can feel the blood throbbing like forgiveness
in my veins this means nothing you know this? you know? & the real kicker: i'm crying now, do you see yet
how selfish i am? how just this evening i choked up half my stomach, three hands down my throat another five in my hair
two more braced on the bone-white basin as i watch everything i've ever held waste into ruin in the crystalline water,
my mother knocking 1-2-3 on the gravestone my mother knocking 3-2-1 on my skull saying HELLO IS ANYONE THERE

some part of me wanting to be her daughter again another part wasting into these violent violet days
waging war on my body I AM NOT A BODY but i HAVE A BODY and there is a difference but the numbers can tick down into myself
if my mother STOPS KNOCKING you love this woman? words sticking to her lips like honey, repeating repeating repeating you want to rewind
not repeat. i have an obsession with breaking myself. i've seen you alone, darling; don't think i haven't.

i know where you sit, back to the wall pretending these oceans are as easy to pull together as your grandmother's knitting-
how you unraveled that too, i know these things about you. how you think about choking on your own fingers in a room
full of everyone you've ever known, if you can pull out your own guts without anyone knowing. rust red sitting,

clinging to your insides, thinking about everything you've ever had inside you, pulsing, real. if you can snap your fingers,
make it vanish. how many crunches you can do before someone notices, this dirty little secret part of you you never thought
would be anything but yours she's gripping you with both hands talons out saying you're nothing without me don't you want to be nothing?
isn't that the plan? shrink until you can't anymore, fall down a hole and i've been too many sizes in one day like alice like ALICE
THERE WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH HOURS for everything you want the time limit you put on brilliance tick-tick-ticking
golden years wasted in finger shoved down our throats choking on thorns and brothers, coughing up all my siblings one by one
looking me reproach red face, spluttering can't breathe for the fingers hand braced on the water THE HANDS DOWN YOUR THROAT

my blood brother sick night nurse my tumour my love my sweet, sweet agony oh i wish you had ended me when we had the chance,
two hour calls when you still loved me words on my tongue this kills me you know that? really really does
i didn't mean to make it past this there was a point in my life we called the finish i broke the ribbon and kept running,
someone waiting at the end of the ruin asking why did you go so far and i said
because no one told me to stop.