Note; I've moved the story to ao3. I'd prefer people read there instead as I update much sooner on there.  http://archiveofourown.org/works/10334282/chapters/30820776

--

Ever since that night, Ashpaw had felt hollowed out, as if birds had decided to build a nest inside his ribs. He felt a sickly feeling every time he ate, and a feeling of disgust when he saw his own reflection. He wasn't afraid of Thunderclan anymore either, surprisingly. He would still get glares from warriors and have queens act paranoid of him around their kits, but his fear had been completely replaced by a low burning hatred.

Every moment he spent healing warrior's injuries, he could only wonder how they had gotten their wounds. What about their opponent? Were they hurt too? Did they have their own families and kits, fully accepting that at any day a simple border skirmish could take away their family's lives?

Ashpaw felt sick knowing that the kits playing in the nursery would grow up and spend their lives fighting and hating their neighboring clans. We're all cats, we all deserve to live. Why do the clans think they are the only important ones in this world? Why can't they just agree to share and be kind to one another? The biggest threat in the forest isn't rogues or badgers...it's themselves.

Night was falling now. The sky was a dim lavender as Ashpaw sat just outside the medicine cat's den. Most cats were just coming back from hunting patrols or were sharing tongues with their friends, but none seemed to notice him among the shadows.

He looked up as he saw the deputy, Brickjaw, returning with his own patrol, the leafy bramble tunnel quivering as the last remaining cats emerged from it. His whiskers twitched. He could leave. He could leave Thunderclan right now if he wanted to. Badgerheart had taught him everything he needed to, and he wasn't a kit anymore. He would be fine on his own, and he could walk as far as his paws would take him, far away from the clans.

He would have left right then and there, but his paws felt anchored in place. The pros and cons outweighed themselves in favour of leaving, but yet he couldn't bring himself to go. Not yet.

He felt his heart stir as familiar dark fur brushed up against his shoulder. He turned and saw Badgerheart, smiling down at him. "Are you just going to stand there moping about? We have to leave in a little bit." his voice rasped affectionately.

Ashpaw nodded, smiling back. The feelings of hatred and despair fled his mind. Badgerheart was the one good thing here, and he was the only family he had known besides his mother, which now seemed like finding her would be an impossible task to achieve. He hadn't given up entirely, but having Badgerheart here to look after him and love him eased his loneliness away for the most part. He was fine living like this, with him.

He couldn't believe he use to be afraid of him. Now, he couldn't imagine Badgerheart not in his life.

---

After the sun went down the cold air seemed to grip the world in it's bitter claws. Ashpaw and Badgerheart trudged up the hills of Windclan, the lush grass now dried and crumpled from the cold. Ashpaw wished he had Badgerheart's thick pelt, but even his mentor seemed to be suffering from the freezing wind. He stopped to cough a few times, his breath rasping from the icy wind, but kept moving forward.

When they got to Mothermouth, the other medicine cats were already inside, waiting for them. He noticed they all seemed particularly quiet, watching Ashpaw with mischievous smiles on their faces. Even Crowthroat, who always seemed tired and grumpy, was smirking slightly. After a moment when nobody seemed to say anything, he sat down on the cave floor next to Badgerheart, who was also smiling. "Erm, what's....going on?" he asked anxiously.

"It's your naming ceremony!" Asterberry, who had just received her own name last moon, swung her heavy paws over his shoulder, nearly knocking him over. "You can finally have a cool name like Ashberry or Ashwhatever!"

"Wha-?" Ashpaw shook her off and was immediately filled with both excitement and anxiety. "Tonight? Really?"

"Yes, really." Badgerheart stood next to him proudly. "You've worked so hard and have come so far since I first found you. You're ready."

The other cats cheered congratulations but Ashpaw's doubt started creeping in. Why do I need another name? I'm only just getting use to Ashpaw, now I have to start all over again! Then he started worrying about what his new name might be. What if it's something like, Ashgrass? That sounds so horrible! Badgerheart wouldn't give me a name like that, would he? Oh stars, he probably would!

Badgerheart quieted the others and stepped forward to stand in front of Moonstone, outlining his pelt in a blue light. Ashpaw followed him slowly, setting his paws down just in front of him. He was glad at least this time the crowd here was smaller, and not full of strangers. But it still made his heart race to have everyone watching him.

Badgerheart coughed, and cleared his voice before speaking. "I, Badgerheart, medicine cat of Thunderclan, call upon our warrior ancestors to look down on this apprentice. He has trained hard to understand the ways of healing and herbs, and with your help, he will serve his clan for many moons."

Will I? Ashpaw thought carefully. He had thought the same thing during his first ceremony. But he was more certain now, knowing that he could save the lives fallen in battle. I won't let another cat die by my paws ever again.

"Ashpaw, do you promise to uphold the ways of a medicine cat, to bring peace between rivalries, to protect all cats equally, even at the cost of your life?"

Ashpaw nodded slowly. "I do."

Badgerheart's serious tone was broken as his face lit up with pride. "Then by the powers of Starclan I give you your true name. Ashpaw, from this moment on you will be known as Ashwind. Starclan honors your compassion and determination, and we welcome you as a full medicine cat of Thunderclan."

Ashwind? Guess it could be worse. He thought as the other medicine cats ran up to him and nudged him affectionately, calling his name and celebrating. "Ashwind! Ashwind!" They all cheered, Asterberry clearly trying to be the loudest. He looked up and saw Badgerheart watching him with the same love in his eyes that his mother had once had for him. And for just a moment, he was truly happy to be in the clans.

--

It was still dark after they had left the moonstone. Starclan never offered any real wisdom, but Ashwind was use to that by now. He mostly just went just to check and see if his mother was there, but she never was. Not yet, at least. It was still nice to meet up with the others and have some time away from the clans.

A freezing cold wind swept through his fur as they padded back across the moor. He would appreciate his time more if it weren't so cold. He looked up at the sky, seeing dark clouds gathering above him. Just snow already if you're going to! Leafbare's half over but it hasn't snowed once! He thought, as if the sky would respond to him by starting a blizzard.

He heard a cough behind him, and turned to see Badgerheart hunched over, his sides heaving with every struggled breath. Ashwind crept back to him, trying to shield him from the wind, and waited for Badgerheart to catch his breath.

"S-sorry 'bout that." Badgerheart mumbled as his coughing fit stopped. He walked past Ashwind, carrying on towards the treeline in the distance. Ashwind felt a twinge of worry as he watched him go. Something seemed off about the way he walked too. Did he forget to take his marigold? He wondered.

As he followed slowly after him, he made a mental list of all the herbs to stop coughing. Bright-eye, Lovage, Coltsfoot, Tansy, Catmint. All these herbs were low in supply back home, but together they might be enough for Badgerheart to take alongside his Marigold. Now that i'm medicine cat, does this mean I have to take care of the previous one too? He thought jokingly, but uneasily regretted the thought.

--

The days came and went, Badgerheart's strange illness didn't seem to get any better. Or worse, for that matter. He kept an eye out for any herbs that could help him, but Leafbare had killed nearly everything already. When he tried to question Badgerheart about it, he would only say "It's nothing" or "Don't worry about it." or "Sorry about that." but Ashwind had to help him, he had made a vow at the Moonstone that he would help the clans whether his life depended on it, and by the stars that was what he was going to do!

The next day he decided to sneak out of camp before anyone else woke up. Not that anybody would stop him, now that he wasn't an apprentice anymore. He set off into the dense woods, scouring the entire forest for herbs. After hours of walking off trails and at the very edge of borders, he found a small patch of Tansy under an oak tree. He bit some off and began to hurriedly walk back towards camp when he saw white and gray fur through a few bushes.

He knew he was close to Twolegplace, but there usually weren't kittypets around these parts, in the marshiest area of the forest. He crept forward, trying to stealthily peer through the bushes. His gaze was met with theirs as they peeked back at them with shining blue eyes.

Ashwind yelped and leaped backwards, his fur bristling. They stuck their head over the top of the bush and grinned. "Hey there! What are you doing? Do you collect flowers?" They asked, smiling curiously at him.

Ashwind carefully sat upwards, studying this odd cat. They seemed familiar, but he couldn't place where. "Are you...from Riverclan?" He asked.

"Riverclan? What's that?" They asked. Ashwind relaxed as he realized this was likely just a stray kittypet, but their next words startled them. "My name's Aspen by the way, what's yours?"

"Aspen?" Ashwind's memories seemed to rewind in his head. He thought back to when his mother had brought home that kit for the first time, the first of many. Their name had been Aspenkit- A clan name! He had completely forgotten about that, and now...

The pieces began fitting into Ashwinds mind but yet they still didn't quite fit. What was his mother doing with clan kits? Was that why they were chasing her? She hadn't stolen them, had she? He shook his head, his mother would never have done something like that. There must have been another reason. His mother wasn't a kidnapper.

"Well, if you're just going to stand there like a frightened mouse..." They started to leave when Ashwind jumped to his paws.

"Wait! Wait, where are you from then?"

"Uh, here?" they shot a look at Ashwind as if he were crazy. "I'm not from any 'clan' you mentioned. My mother raised me in these woods with a few other cats. They don't like visitors though, so, I'm afraid I'll have to part with you now." They twitched their tail as they disappeared into the undergrowth. Ashwind could only stare after them in shock. He was sure of it. That had to be the same cat.

Was this the place his mother had brought them? And why? He shook his head again, too many questions raced through his mind. He had to get back to Badgerheart first, and maybe then they could discuss all this.

---

When he got back, he was just about to return inside the medicine cat den when he felt something soft underneath his paws. He lifted it, seeing a small blue berry crushed from where he stepped on it. A juniper berry? What's that doing all the way out here? He was going to ignore it when he saw another one, just further in. He followed them as if they had been laid out in a trail, but when he went in he saw what had happened.

Badgerheart was collapsed on the ground, with a pile of juniper berries scattered from where he had fallen. Ashwind ran to his side frantically. "Badgerheart!? Badgerheart wake up!" He tried shaking him, but the tom was unresponsive other than the raspy, shallow breathing coming from inside him.

He pushed him back into his nest, cleaning off any squashed berries stuck in his fur and began chewing the Tansy along with the Marigold. Stupid Badgerheart! He thought angrily. Why couldn't you have just taken care of yourself better! Stupid Mousebrain!

He slipped the poultice into Badgerheart's mouth, and rubbed his throat so that he would automatically swallow. He remembered Badgerheart teaching him that when one of the kits wouldn't take their herbs, but he never thought he'd be doing this with his own mentor. He watched Badgerheart with concern as his breathing eased slightly, but it was still shallow.

He waited the whole day. It wasn't until nightfall that Badgerheart finally regained consciousness, but just barely. "Sorry-" He started, but Ashwind swept in front of him, barely able to hold back tears.

"What were you thinking!? You could have died! You almost died! I don't care how low the stock is, you should always take your herbs! You taught me that you stupid, senile elder!" He sniffed angrily.

Badgerheart just stared at him with his eyelids drooping. His eyes casted to the ground, and he looked at the mess of Tansy, Marigold and Juniper all over the den floor. After a moment he said in a quiet voice, "Ashwind, I think whatever is happening, I don't think any herb can stop it."

"But you were fine yesterday!" He cried miserably. He didn't want to hear any of this.

"I've been dealing with more than just a pair of weak legs all my life, Ashwind. And I think it's finally getting the better of me." He sunk down, his head resting on his paws. "I'm just glad I got to make you a full medicine cat before something like this happened."

Ashwind just sat quietly next to him for the rest of that night. Neither of them knew what to say to make things better, not that there was anything that could be said. Badgerheart spent the next few days in his nest, leaving all the duties to Ashwind. Even with his abundance of medicines prescribed by Ashwind, Bagderheart never seemed to get better. And eventually, his legs stopped working entirely. He couldn't leave his nest anymore, and he seemed to be constantly thirsty.

One morning not long after, he delivered another large bundle of soaked moss. Badgerheart barely touched it. That was when Ashwind knew, today was his last day with Badgerheart.

A lot of cats came in to visit Badgerheart that day, even though Ashwind hadn't announced his thoughts. Everyone from queens to kits came to say their greetings to him, although Ashwind knew they were really farewells. A pair of apprentices thanked Badgerheart for healing their wounds, and a small white queen thanked him for saving her kits once. As they all thanked him, Ashwind got a new sense of just how much Badgerheart did for these cats and how well respected he was.

Cardinalstar came to thank Badgerheart for his service, and for a moment Ashwind saw genuine kindness on the leader's face- something that Ashwind rarely caught. But as Cardinalstar turned towards him, it was immediately replaced by the same menacing glare he always saw. He turned and left, leaving only one other cat remaining in the den.

Brickjaw sat down heavily in front of Badgerheart, his claws kneading into the ground right next to Ashwind. This was the closest he had ever stood next to the deputy, and he could see now just how similar the two brothers were. They shared the same dark eyes, and thick black fur. Even his usual snarl was softened to look more like Baderheart's calm demeanor.

After a moment of staring into each other's eyes in silence, Brickjaw sank down to his paws, and rested his head on Badgerheart's forehead. "I'm sorry, I said I would always protect you." his voice came out as if he were a mother talking to her newborn kits.

Badgerheart just chuckled in response. "And you did an excellent job. But I don't think even you could stop a cat from dying, although I know you'd definitely try."

He saw Brickjaw choke back a tearful laugh, and caught tears welling up in the corners of his eyes. "I know. I'm just...I'm sorry."

"You're going to be a fine leader, Brickjaw. And I will be there to give you your nine lives when the time comes."

A soft whimper came from Brickjaw as he was clearly crying now, turning his face away from Ashwind's view.

Badgerheart's eyes fell on Ashwind, his eyes full like two gray moons. "My young Ashwind, I've come to love you as my best friend and maybe even as a son. I'm so glad I got to teach you everything, and you've come so far since I first found you. I'm sorry we never found your mother, but she would be proud of you too. I know that."

He felt Brickjaw tense beside him, but he didn't say anything, so Ashwind ignored it. Badgerheart continued, his eyes focusing on the space behind him. "Never let these cats bully you, Ashwind. You are their medicine cat now. They need you. Stay...stay good...."

His eyelids fluttered for a moment, and then he was still.

"Badger...." Ashwind stopped, he felt his voice break and he couldn't speak as despair filled him. Brickjaw let out a wail of grief and together the both of them cried as the life of their friend began to fade. They stayed like that, in an unspoken distraught for what seemed like hours. Ashwind couldn't cope with his new loneliness, he had just found peace and once again life had ripped it away from him, shredding any hope he had left. He wanted to give up, to resign to everything and lay with Badgerheart until the cold claws of death took him as well.

But he felt Brickjaw stir, raising to his paws at last. The moonlight behind them casted a shadow over his face, but Ashwind could just see the darkened tears dried on his fur. He spoke, trying to keep his voice gruff. He looked sympathetic for a moment, as if he were going to reassure Ashwind. But instead all he said was, "I was right. You were a bad omen all along." and he turned and stomped out of the den without looking back.

Ashwind sat there in the dark for the longest time, watching as stray marigold petals swept across the den in a slight breeze. He bared his teeth, feeling his body grow stiff with anger and resentment. Everything he hated about the clans came back in full force. There was nothing here for him anymore. They all hated him, and he hated them just as much. He dug his claws into the ground to force himself from impulsively destroying the entire herb storage at that given moment. Without Badgerheart here, he felt as if the world was being pulled away from him. But he grabbed back with desperate claws, not willing to let this go. Not anymore.

He wasn't going to sit idly as the clans continued to follow their selfish warrior code. He had to speak up.