Warnings: Friends with benefits relationship, some touchy feely stuff (no smut), angst

Word Count: 1745

Summary: You try to keep your true feelings about Josh hidden for the sake of not ruining your relationship, but it's not as easy as you once thought.

Author's Note: It feels kind of weird to be back to posting one shots in the middle of the week, but I'm also very happy to be writing requests (speaking of which, they're open!) Also as you can probably tell from the title, this fic is loosely based on Cruel Summer by Taylor Swift. I hope you like this one :)

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 The air was sticky in Josh's living room, despite the breeze that came in through the porch door that he had left wide open. The cool air brushed along your bare shoulders, a stark contrast to the warmth of Josh's hands on your lower back. Your fingers were tangled in his hair as he peppered kisses along your neck, moving towards your collarbone.

It's nothing serious, right?

You tilted Josh's head back up so that you could capture his mouth with yours, needing the connection. His hands pressed on your back, bringing you even closer to him. Your hands started to move from his hair down along his shoulders, barely ghosting over his skin.

Come on, Y/N, you aren't jealous, are you?

You kissed him harder, hoping it would shut your brain up. Josh wound an arm around your waist and shifted so that you were now beneath him, totally surrounded by his arms. His body. Him. He started to kiss along your jaw again, though this time you let him. This was what you needed: to get totally lost in him.

Rule number one: no catching feelings.

"Josh, stop," you gasped, suddenly pushing at his chest. "Please."

Josh pulled away immediately, "Ok, ok. I'm sorry."

He leaned down and grabbed your shirt from where it had been discarded on the floor earlier in the night, passing it to you. You practically snatched it out of his hand and pulled it on over your head.

"It's not you," you shook your head, sincerely wanting him to know that he hadn't done anything wrong. "I'm just... I can't."

"Are you ok?"

"I'm sorry," you said, as if it mattered. "I thought I could do this tonight, but I can't."

"Is something going on? Do you want to talk about it?"

"I think I just need a minute. I'll be right back."

You got off the couch without taking another glance at Josh. Your body was shaking from all the adrenaline, both from what had been happening and the thoughts racing through your head. Once you had a moment to settle that down, you could decide what to do from here.

As soon as you were in the safety of the bathroom, you leaned against the door and closed your eyes. Your chest was heaving, not helped by the warm air that surrounded you. It took a second for your breathing to finally regulate and drop back to a normal pace, but it was enough to release some of the tension in your body.

You could hear Josh walking around in the living room, probably opening up more windows so that the house would finally cool down. It hadn't been a matter that was on either of your minds a few minutes ago, but now...

"Stop," you muttered, shutting your eyes tight. "Not your problem."

You finally stepped away from the door, instead moving to stand in front of the sink. The water that came from the tap was near freezing, which was exactly what you needed right now. Your fingers curled as you stuck them under the stream of water, but you kept them there until your palms filled with water. The splash of cool water against your face was just what you needed to get rid of the heat.

After drying your face and taking a little longer to let your body calm down, you walked back into the living room. Josh had opened up more windows, though he had gone back to sitting again. Your heart skipped a beat when you saw him there, his tattooed arm stretched out along the back of the couch and his brown curls sticking out out all angles from where your fingers had been. It was almost enough to make you change your mind about everything.

"I'm really sorry about that," you said.

Josh turned, a faint hint of surprise in his features. He nonchalantly waved off your apology.

"You don't need to apologize, Y/N. It happens. I just want to make sure you're ok."

Why does he have to make this so hard?

You opened your mouth, ready to feed him some pretty lie about how you were feeling and find an excuse to leave - potentially forever -, but you stopped yourself. He deserved more than that.

"Can we talk about something?" you asked.

"Sure, do you want to come sit?"

Josh patted the empty spot on the couch next to him, but you opted for the armchair. You didn't trust yourself to say what you needed to with him sitting that close looking like that.

"What's going on?" he asked, slipping his phone back into the pocket of his shorts.

You took a deep breath. There was still time to back out, change your mind, find another way around this. Or maybe you were always bound to end up here.

"I don't think this is going to work anymore."

"What's not going to work?"

"You. Us. Whatever we are."

"Ok," Josh nodded slowly.

You waited, thinking - hoping - Josh might say something else, but he stayed quiet. After an uncomfortable amount of silence, you finally stood up and started to make your way toward the door.

"Are you sure I didn't do something?" he asked before you made it too far.

You stopped and turned back towards him. "What makes you think that you did?"

"I don't know, I just thought things were going ok and then out of nowhere you say that this isn't working anymore."

"If you think that everything has been ok then you obviously don't know me as well as I thought you did."

You hadn't meant to let it slip out like that. It was the first step down a path that you really didn't need to go down with Josh right now, especially after everything that had already happened. Unfortunately for you, Josh didn't seem as willing to let this go.

"What is that supposed to mean?" he asked, his tone obviously upset.

"It means that I've been losing my mind trying to follow our stupid rules, Josh. Am I really supposed to not be jealous when you go out with other girls? We're just supposed to sleep together and act like it's nothing? I tried to be that for you, but it's not who I am."

"You knew what you were getting into from the start, Y/N," Josh said. He was standing now, though he hadn't moved any closer to you. "We laid out boundaries from day one and if you were uncomfortable with it then, you should have said something."

"I felt differently about you back then! How was I supposed to know things were going to change?"

"Then how do you feel about me now?" Josh said. "Tell me, Y/N."

"I love you!" you said. Regret immediately washed over you, erasing any anger you might have felt. "Isn't that the worst thing you've ever heard?"

Josh just stared at you wide-eyed. You could already feel tears prickling at your eyes, but you were determined to stay there until you got some sort of answer out of Josh. Confirmation that this was over. That your feelings had ruined it all.

"You love me?"

"I know, I know. It's stupid and it breaks the rules and-"

You were interrupted by Josh grabbing your face and pulling you into a kiss. Your body leaned into him in a way that was familiar and safe. His lips tasted sweet, like whatever chapstick he had apparently taken time to apply while you were doing breathing exercises in his downstairs bathroom.

"Hold on," you said, once again pressing a hand against his bare chest. "We need to talk about this."

Josh's eyebrows furrowed, "Talk about what?"

"What's happening, because just a few minutes ago we were yelling at one and now we're kissing and I need to make sure we're on the same page before this goes any further."

Josh nodded and slowly let his arms drop away from you. You sat on the couch this time, but still kept enough distance that you wouldn't be tempted to lean in and kiss him again, now that you knew it was an option. Josh got comfortable and once again stretched an arm out along the back of the couch.

"What changed?" you asked.

Josh let out a quiet laugh and glanced out the window, "A lot of things."

"Well you obviously have some form of feelings for me, so when did that happen?"

"A few months ago," Josh said, biting down on his bottom lip. "It was the night that we stayed up talking until four in the morning. I told myself that I wasn't going to let myself fall in love again, but you know how that type of thing goes."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Honestly? I didn't want to risk losing you. Like I said, there were certain boundaries that we laid out and I had broken them."

"You should have told me."

"No, I know. It was dishonest and I'm sorry. You deserve better than that."

"I appreciate the apology, and I think I owe you one for the same reason."

"Apology accepted and appreciated."

"Also," you said, picking at the edge of your nail, "can we talk about how we yelled at one another?"

Josh nodded.

"I didn't mean to raise my voice, I was just overwhelmed with everything that I was feeling and the things you've said to me and I thought everything was going to be ruined."

"And I yelled at you about all the things that I told myself when I was scared about telling you that I had fallen in love with you, which was wrong."

"Are we ok?" you asked.

"We're ok," Josh smiled.

You couldn't help but smile as you leaned further back into the cushions of Josh's couch. This was going a lot better than you had expected.

"So," Josh said, pursing his lips, "where do we go from here?"

"Do you think we should try the whole relationship thing?"

"I think I would like that."

"Me too."

Josh leaned forward and gently grabbed your wrists, pulling you towards him until you were laying on top of him. His arms once again wrapped around your middle, keeping you from rolling onto the floor.

"I love you," you smiled, resting your forehead against his.

"I love you too."

When Josh kissed you, it felt like the first time all over again.