An. Hey, it's super late (or early) but I promised myself I would write everyday so here we go. I just finished reading Let's talk about love by claire kann and it was so cute!! Its about an ace girl who falls in love and is trying to work out her boundaries and how that impacts her relationships. It was really sweet and the mc experienced asexuality different to me so it was also very informative, I would definitely recommend:) I was I'll today so just spent it reading that and it made me very happy to see some representation (I did read it because of its aceness tbf). Anyway, this is going to probs be short and inspired by that. Also, I have young womens film academy on zoom at 11 tomorrow and I have a feeling I'm not going to get enough sleep so wish me luck🤣🤣
Warnings: I guess it might be triggering to hear Sherlock talk about how isolating it is to be ace. Don't worry though, it all ends in fluff:) (of course, I am incapable of angst)

Word count: (far too long considering I started this at 1:30) 2100

"Sherlock?" John saw his flatmate quickly rearrange himself so he was sitting on what he had been holding. It looked like a book but the detectives reflexes were very quick so he couldn't be sure.
"Hello John." Sherlock was trying to appear nonchalant but the retired army doctor knew him too well to fall for that.
"What are you reading?" The question sent a faint blush to his cheeks and he shuffled uncomfortably.
"Reading? Why do you think I'm reading anything? I'm not, I'm just... thinking."
"I know that I'm not as quick as the amazing Sherlock Holmes but I'm really not as stupid as you think I am Locket."
"What? I never said you were?" Sherlock tried to feign innocence and failed tremendously.
"Did you really think I wouldn't notice you sit on a book? Come on, what is it?"
"Nothing, go away, I'm busy."
"Ok, whatever you say."

John turned to leave and Sherlock breathed a sigh of relief. It was a short lived emotion though as the doctor suddenly turned round and wrestled him to the ground, aggressively tickling him as he did so. Sherlock was so taken aback that he had no chance to defend himself and a high pitched scream erupted from him as his sides began to shake.
"Stop, John! No stop it!" He breathed through his uncontrollable laughter.
"Ah ha, so you are ticklish then! I've always wondered." John's tickling slowed slightly as he spoke.
"Am not! You just took me by surprise is all!" This pettiness prompted another attack, this time even more merciless.
"Admit it, you are ticklish!!"
"Nn nnooo!" Managed to choke out Sherlock.
"Admit it!"
"Never!!" His sides were beginning to hurt now from laughing.
"Admit it!!"
"Ok fine, fine. But only because I think you might actually kill me if I don't agree!"

With this proclamation of surrender from his friend, John stopped and stood up briskly, grabbing the book from the sofa before Sherlock had a chance to recover.
"Right then, what have we here?"
Sherlock sprang to his feet and tried to reach the book. His thin frame weakened from a tendency to forget about mortal things like food, although tall, was no match for the stocky ex army doctor who easily kept his friend at bay with a single firm hand on his chest.
"Goodness you are strong!" The surprise in his voice was not disguised.
"You forget I was a soldier."
"You were, are, a doctor! Why does a doctor need to be this strong!"
"In case a building was hit by enemy fire and collapsed and I needed to pull survivors, and bodies, from the wreckage."
"Yes, but that was ages ago. What need do you have of it now?"
"Old habits die hard. Now stop stalling and let me look at this book you were so determined to keep from me. Lets talk about love? Oh my God, was The Sherlock 'sentiment is a chemical defect found on the losing side' Holmes, reading a romance novel?"

Sherlock's face was now a rather intense shade of scarlet. Watson was slightly alarmed by this as he had never seen Sherlock display this response before but he assumed it must be a blush caused by embarrassment.
"No! Of course not. Why would you think that?"
"Alice is about to have this whole dating thing?" Read John from the front cover, "definitely sounds like a romance to me."
"Ok fine, so what if it is? It's research."
"Really? And what are you researching?"
"Just things." His answer was very vague and John knew that meant he was onto something so he probed further.
"Are you researching romance? Really? Why, I thought you hated that sort of thing."
"I did. I do. It's just data is all."

John began to scan the blurb, still holding sherlock at arms length. Holmes was an arrogant prick but he did know when he was beaten, especially when it came to John who, although he hated to admit it, did often seem to best him when it came to little things like eating food and saying sorry when he blindly stepped on someone's emotions. And so, he made the decision to stop trying to fight the inevitable and just sit in his armchair rather than be restrained uncomfortably.

"Who ended things with Alice when she confessed she's asexual?" His eyes began to fill with the light of understanding as he read this line.
"Sherlock, are you trying to work out your sexuality?"
"No!" Johns gaze was piercing but kindly and made Sherlock's blush deepen even more. "Maybe. Ok, yes." He admitted, looking at what appeared to be a bloodstain on the carpet.
"Oh Sherlock, do you want to talk about it?" He had moved closer to his friend and was stood over him now, holding out his hand invitingly. Sherlock took it hesitantly and John pulled him so that they were both sitting on the sofa.

"Tell me about it?"
"Do I have to?"
"Not if you don't want to but it might help and I'm more than happy to listen."
Promise you won't laugh or ask stupid questions?"
"I promise." Sherlock trusted this man. Trusted him more than he had ever trusted anyone before. He trusted him with his mind and soul so now, maybe he could trust him with his heart too. And besides, sherlock was beginning to feel that, if he didn't talk to someone about this, he would stop functioning all together and go into a catatonic state of withdrawal. So he made the decision to trust John. He hoped, he truly hoped, it was the right one.

"Ok, fine. I'm going to tell you this John but only because I trust you. If you tell anyone else about this conversation, i will ensure that you make a visit to Molly Hooper, a permanent one. On a slab. Is that understood?"
"Yes, i promise that you can trust me with anything and everything Sherlock. You were there for me when Mary died and now i will be here for you." Sherlock took a deep breath and began to talk.

"Im about to tell you something I've never told anyone, not even Mycroft, and, as you know, it is incredibly difficult for me to talk about my emotions and this in particular so I would appreciate if you don't say anything until I'm finished." John nodded silently.

"Here we go. I've never really thought about my sexuality before, it always seemed utterly unimportant and a ridiculous thing to care about. It had never even occurred to me that other people felt attraction and desire for other people until I got to high school and everyone started to talk about it. It made me feel even more isolated than I usually did. Even more of a freak so i turned it into my thing. Made the decision to act cold and unemotional and reason it away as a choice. I was choosing to be different, choosing to not have this thing that everyone else had. It was easier and safer and more rational that way. Relationships just get in the way. Feelings are like the fly in the ointment of reason. Or at least that's what I told myself. Really, I was just scared. Terrified that i was broken. That Mycroft was right. I really was just a stupid little freak.

And so I buried this feeling of emptiness, of being different and turned to drugs to fill the whole that I felt. And it worked, for a while. I managed to push everyone away so that I would never have to talk about what I was feeling with anyone. I promised myself I would never get close enough to anyone for them to find out. But then I met you and we moved in together and I felt something I hadn't felt in a long time. I felt happy. And we became friends and I still ignored the feeling. You asked me whether I had a girlfriend. Or boyfriend. And my brain started to panic. I couldn't do this. But I did and you became my best friend, my closest confidant.
 
  And then the fall and two years of torture, wondering if i would ever see you again. And when i returned, there was Mary and, although it took me a while to get used to, I was so happy for you, really I was. And, although I felt sad that I would never be more than a friend to you, I was also relieved that i didn't have to think about it anymore. I wouldn't have to tell you about it. And then she died, saving me. I didn't know what to do. By trading her life for mine, she put a value on it and I didn't know what to do about that. A year after her death and you and Rosie living here with me, and you being all flirty and cute. It was like i had never left. And suddenly there was hope that we could be something more. And that was terrifying as I would have to tell you.

  I've managed to stall. Managed to put it off. Even when you confessed how you felt to me last month and this, wonderful thing started. I still put it off. I told you I needed time, needed to take things slow. I promised myself that I would tell you someday, just not yet. And I guess that today is that some day. And... and. I don't know if I can do it. I don't know if i can say it out loud after pushing it away for so long."

A single tear rolled down his white cheek and John reached up to gently wipe it away, his hand lingering there.
"You can tell me, Sherlock. Whatever it is, you can tell me."
"But what if you don't love me anymore when I do?"
"Don't be ridiculous. I love you inspite of the fact that you are an arrogant bastard with no understanding of other peoples emotions and a need to get high through crime solving or drugs. I love you inspirte of the fact that you left me for 2 years to grieve your death without a single word to let me know you were alive. I love you inspite the fact that 5 years ago, my wife traded her life for yours. I love you inspite the fact that we were kidnapped by your insane sister and forced to watch several people be murdered. I love you inspite of your many flaws, your dangerous lifestyle and you insane ideas. In fact, I love you because of all these things so why would this be any different?"
"I don't know. I don't understand why but the world seems to think that this is the most important thing ever."
"Just tell me and then I can judge for myself. I promise I'll love you no matter what."

John leant forward and kissed him softly before pulling him closer and taking his hand. He squeezed it comfortingly.
"Ok, I trust you." He breathed deeply before blurting out, "I'm asexual John, there, I said it." The doctor looked surprised for a moment and then smiled softly.
"I know you idiot. I love you."
"Look, I know you probably think sex is the be all and end all but I really don't get it and i don't see why that's such a big... wait, what did you say?"
"I know you idiot. I love you." Repeated John, rubbing circles onto his partners palm.
"Oh, how?" Sherlock's shoulders slumped slightly like some air had been let out. He was relieved but also slightly disappointed that he wouldn't have to make the speech about how asexuality was just who he was and how it was totally ok that he had been thinking about for years.

"As I said, I'm not as stupid as you think I am. I did research."
"Since when have you known?"
"I worked it out a few years ago, after you rebuked The woman's advances yet again. I figured that this wasn't just stubbornness as most men would have jumped at that chance so I looked into it. I found the word asexual and everything just made sense."
"And you're ok with it?"
"Of course I'm ok with it. I love you and that's all that matters. At first, I was a bit taken aback but I've had a few years to think about it and I've come to the conclusion that it's part of who you are and, if I can't accept that, then I don't deserve you anyway. And maybe it will be difficult sometimes but that can be said of all relationships. I'd rather have just romantic you than no you at all."
"Thank you Watson." Tears were streaming down his face now but his smile was genuine and filled with love.

"I love you my asexual detective."
"And I love you too, my bisexual doctor."

The end

An. It is now 3am and I have written this for far too long. I hope it is mostly cohesive and, if not, then blame it on the fact that I am I'll and its 3am. Ok, hope you like it my lovelys. Anyway, I really must sleep. I have to stop writing these so late!! Love you all, be kind to yourselves and such, byesybyes
Isabella

🐹🐹❤🧡💛💚💙💜

Ps. Please read this book, it is brilliant and very educational for ace people to come to terms with their identity more or allo people who want to understand more about it. This is not everyone's experience of being ace but it is a very well written, personal one and is also super cute!! Ok, bye