Theres a one of these at the end so just read that if you want. I'm tired so yeah.
Warnings and such: kind if anxiety stuff, sherlock is almost having a panic attack but not severe or anything. It's all his thoughts though so it's quite jumbled and not conclusive. He talks about God and lightly mocks religion if that's a trigger to anyone. Not sure if theres anything else, let me know in the comments if I've missed something and I'll add it in. Enjoy this slightly angsty, possibly fluffy prologue thought jumble.

Word count: 1400

Prefix to yesterdays story: midnight. Sherlock's point of view.

I'm so tired and my brain is shutting down. Well not really. I wish it would shut down but it doesn't seem willing to comply so it has gone into standby. That weird place inbetween conscious and unconscious where your brain hums and whirs too quickly to be followed and the thoughts are jumbled and anxiety inducing. They are jumping after each other with very little logical order and I am doing my best to catch up to them so I can wrangle them into some sort of orderly procession then silence them all together so I can actually go to sleep. I suddenly have the same thought I have every night at this stage of consciousness: how on earth does one fall asleep? And the answer comes as usual: I have literally no idea. I do it every night and yet every time, by the next evening, I have forgotten how. It is something I do not understand, do not know, and I hate not knowing.

This is rubbish. Urggh!!! Why isn't there just an off button? Brains should have off buttons. It would be much more efficient and much less annoying. But then again, if we all switched off, who would turn us all back on again? Maybe it could be on a timer? How long is an acceptable amount of sleep? 6 hours? 8 hours? 10 hours? I usually get none at all or about 14. John keeps saying that I'm unhealthy, that having a steady sleep schedule and sticking to it is very important to brain functionality. I think that that is just downright stupidity as I clearly have a better level of brain functionality than most people who get proper sleep so he was clearly wrong. Plus, hes one to talk as his sleeping pattern is almost as all over the place as mine.

I told him all this of course. I don't seem to have the filter most people have. Is that why people don't tend to like me? John likes me. And I like him. Maybe more than like. See, that's one thing I have a filter on!! I haven't told him meaning I'm getting better at not just blurting out what I'm thinking! Actually, I kind of wish I did. Or do I? Why is everything so difficult with John? Love is stupid, a chemical defect found on the losing side. A chemical defect found on the losing side. I've told myself that, over and over but.... it doesn't change how I feel.

Burgh, I hate feeling things!! Stupid John, making me feel things. I was nice and cold before he came along. It was good. It was. No it wasn't. I appear to be arguing with myself. I said John's stupid. I should take that back right now! Fine, I will. John's not stupid. Even if I pretend I think he is, he's really not. Hes smart and funny and handsome and and and, I love him. Shit!!!! I love him. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. But how could I not? Have you seen his fricking face!?!?! Hes so annoyingly pretty. And kind and warm and the best damn thing in my life. Oh no. I really love him.

Like the school boy, butterflies, drink poison in a tomb, cry yourself to sleep, laugh at nothing, feel sick, feel alive, feel dead, upside down, back to front, inside out, bite your tongue off, bubbly champagne, hold my hand, kiss me, love me forever, hold me in your arms and never let go Jack type of love that all my classmates used to talk about and I would laugh at. The kind of love you see in romantic comedies and roll your eyes and think that's not true, it's not possible to love someone that much. But it is, and i do.

I love him so much i think i might actually explode from the inside out. Which is scientifically impossible unless i swallow a bomb but i think i might have and I'm going to fall apart. Like a star that inplodes in on itself and then bursts out into a thousand colours that disappear into black. Which is not how that works but I'm tired and in live and not thinking straight and I'm crying. Fuck. I'm crying. I love him so much that I'm lying in bed, thinking about him and crying. Oh my God.

I dont... I cant... I wont... I want...

My thoughts are not. They arent working. And I'm shaking. Fuck. What do I do? John, I need to go find John. What time is it? What time is it? Clock, theres a clock somewhere. Or I have phone. The screen is too bright. But I now know its 11:45. John won't be asleep yet. Well he might be but I hope hes not because I want him. I want to see him I mean. Why can't I think? Oh John, my darling doctor, what have you done to my brain? Deep breathes.
In.
And out.
In.
And out.

Do I feel better? Not really but my chest feels less tight so that's something. I should get up. I want to get up. Apparently that is easier thought than done as my limbs feel like a tissue paper leaf drifting through a blizzard. I am shaky is what I mean. Why am I being poetic? I'm not poetic. Arrghh, I hate this love thing, its turned me into a sappy, lovesick poet who wanders around mountains in the lakedustrict and writes sonnets about boats being women. That poem was so strange. We studied it at school: an extract from the prelude. It was massively long and infinitely boring. There was a whole book but thank God, for our sanity, they only made us read a section of it. Why am I thinking about this? I really am tired. And why did I thank God? God is a fictional being made up by weak minded mortals to explain away the empty feeling of unknown uncertainty. A fairytale for the childish humanity that was too afraid to stand on its own two feet. A guiding hand to give idiots a comforting reassurance that there is someone to look out for you.

Actually, that sounds pretty good! Why on earth did I laugh at that? I want some.
"Hey God?" Is that how you should address his lordship? Umm, sure, why not. He probably doesn't exist anyway but theres no harm in trying.
"Hey God? So, first of all, if you do exist, you have some shit to answer for but I'm going to brush over that for now cos I need your help. You know the super handsome, kind, generous and all round amazing man you put in the other room then made me fall in love with? You know the one, well could you possibly make him love me back please? Ok, I feel stupid now actually, I'm going to go find him because I feel like shit and my brain is in over drive and my hands are still shaking for no bloody reason! Ok, well, nice talking to you."

There is no reply. What did I expect? Gosh I must be madder than I originally thought. SHIT!! I really hope He did hear though because I would really, really appreciate if he could possibly grant the request of John loving me back. Who am I kidding, it's never going to happen. I should just give up now and stop talking to him all together. Go and live as a hermit in a shack in India or follow through with that poet idea and go and wander the hills of Cumbria writing prose. No. No, they are all stupid ideas. He's still my friend and I think he loves me in that sense so I'm going to find him so he can tell me it will all be ok and stop me from unraveling completely.

The end.

An. That was not going to be a part zero to the last one when I started it. It's funny how these things work out. I think I shall write another bit tomorrow about after midnight of yous would like that:) I'll probably do it anyway cos it's my story so ima do whatever I want🤣🤣 anyway, I should probably sleep now cos, as fictional John said, a decent sleep schedule is important for brain functionality and stuff. Humph. K bye, hope you've all had a wonderful day and that tomorrow is just as wonderful for everyone or, if it's not (which is ok too) then you find at least one reason to smile. Good night my fellow gays (and possibly some straights who took a wrong turn and ended up here by mistake but decided they actually quite liked it so stayed)
Isabella
🐹🐹❤🧡💛💚💙💜