(My Little Dove? Why Do You Cry?)

Subject/Victim: Joel/Smallishbeans
AU?: child AU+neglected AU+Hybrid AU
Genre: angst (obviously)
TWs/CWs: child abuse, abuse, blood, child neglect, fear, angst, self hate, child abandonment, self harm, unhealthy version of people pleasing, suicide, death
Word Count: 1704

Note: this is angst. And Joel is 11 years old in this AU. I wrote this, but that does not mean I support any kind of harm towards children, or anyone.
On that note, I still hope you enjoy this angst. It's heavy.

✄┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

Alone.

He is all alone.

And they all hate him, don't they? Simply because he exists.

Why? Why?! Joel didn't do anything. He was born, and he grew, and he changed, just barely, and now all they can feel towards him is hate.

   Joel trips and falls on his hands and knees, his skin getting scratches from the asphalt road. Tears fill his eyes as he looks up and watches the all-too-familiar car drive away. Without him.

Joel bangs his hand against the road, the pain making him regret it, but he still glares at the car getting smaller and smaller.

"FINE!" Joel shouts angrily. "I DON'T NEED YOU! I DON'T-" Joel cuts himself off and looks at the bumps in his hands that the road made.

"I don't need anyone.." Joel finishes, sniffling as his nose reacts to his swirling emotions.

Joel's ears itch from their hiding place, but he ignores it. They're what made his family hate him. Those weird pointy things. It wasn't Joel.

Joel gasps as a car drives by, a bit too close for comfort, and he scrambles back. Why didn't the driver stop? Didn't they see Joel?

Joel gets away from the road, backing away from the danger zone, which he probably should've done sooner.

   He takes a shaky deep breath, falling against a tree. He rips off his headphones, his pointy ears and antenna twitching. Tears fall out of Joel's eyes as he glares at the ground, bringing his legs close.

   "Whatever.. they're all stupid. So what if they hate me? I hate them too!" Joel muttered to himself, wiping his nose on his sleeve.

   Joel clenches his teeth and picks up a rock, throwing it, and hitting a passing car. Another person who doesn't care about him.

   Joel sobs and takes a handful of dirt, holding it tightly. His white shirt is getting dirty, huh?

Joel stands up, walking deeper into the collection of trees, frustratedly kicking whatever he can. Angry and sad tears drip from his eyes.

   He mutters to himself, trying to reassure his own mind that his little delusions were true.

   "They'll come back for me." he whispers. "They still love me."

   Joel continues whispering and muttering, leaning against a tree now. Should he go back to the road? Will his family find him back here?

   Will they even come back for him?

   Joel squints his eyes to try and stop the tears, as he slides back to the ground. He felt the delicate and colourful antenna on his head twitch, making him cringe.

   Why did he grow those things? His parents are normal. All of his relatives are human, not some bug freak.

    Joel reaches up and touches the antenna, sniffing a bit. He hesitantly grabs it, making the little thin things twitch again.

   Why? Joel's grip tightens.

   Why?! Why me? Joel pulls on the antenna, feeling frustrated.

   Immediately pain goes through the antenna and his head, but Joel ignores it. Instead he pulls again, harder.

   Joel gasps when a splitting pain hits the top of his head, the pain making him a bit dizzy. He opens his hand back up and feels on his hair where the antenna was poking out of.

   But it isn't there.

   Joel only feels something wet and pain when he touches his head.

   Joel looks around him, his eyes wide open. Then he stares beside him, where a thin and torn intricately designed thing lay, blood on it.

   Joel puts his hand in front of him, and sees a red liquid on it. Blood.

   Joel covers his mouth with his other hand, his tears coming down heavily again. He holds his other hand away from him, the blood disgusting him a bit.

   Then a thought comes to his mind. Would his parents love him again if he was normal?

   If the antenna were gone? If his ears no longer pointed? Could they love him again.?

   Joel shakily brings his already blood covered hand to his other slightly drooped antenna. He grabs its delicate frame and pulls.

   The pain makes tears burn Joel's eyes and cheeks, but he pulls harder until he feels the little ripping. Joel puts the hand out in front of him, staring down at the destroyed antenna.

   He feels blood drip down to his ear, and he flinches. Joel breathes shakily and wipes his hands through his hair, getting blood stuck in it while trying to wipe it away.

   One feature down. One step closer to having his parents back.

   "Alright.." Joel mumbles, bringing his shaky hands to the skin around his ear that pointed.

   How does he get rid of that? He always just used headphones to cover them.

   Joel anxiously looks around, his eyes settling on a rock. Could I.?

   Joel gulps and reaches for the rock, he grabs his ear and pulls it forward a bit. He brings the rock closer and pauses.

   Joel squeezes his eyes shut and and painfully saws the rock against his ear, hoping to get rid of the extra muscle and skin.

   The time it takes painfully drags out for Joel, until he gasps and feels the torn apart skin in his hand. He doesn't even care that the work is probably sloppy, the point is gone.

   Joel quickly moves onto the other ear, repeating the painful process.

   He buries the pieces in the dirt beside him, his ears ringing quietly and filling with blood. Joel doesn't care though.

   In all honesty, Joel is getting excited. Without the freakish parts of him he could be welcomed again, surely. He could go home.

   Joel pulls at the belt that was wrapped around his upper stomach, undoing it, then he removes his shirt.

   Joel looks back and hesitates. His colourful wings flutter, the thin material shining in the sun.

  He remembers when he first got the wings. He had been so happy. The colours pleasing his little seven year old mind. But he's always had to cover them up with jackets, or thick shirts. Or bind them with bandages or belts.

   How do you remove wings? He can't pull them, that'd be too much for Joel to handle, he knows it.

   Joel sighs and stares at his bloody hands. Tears fill his eyes.

   Why is he doing this to himself? It hurts. It hurts, so much. The blood makes him want to gag, and the pain is horrible.

   Joel's wings droop as he buries his face in his slightly blood stained shirt, trying to muffle his sobs. The shirt soaks up the water and Joel pulls his legs up.

   "Pull yourself together, Joel," he says frustratedly, making his hands into fists.

   He sniffs, a bit aggressively, and bangs his back harshly against the trunk of the tree he is in front of. Pain shoots through his back as he feels a part of his wings tearing, and he cries out into his wrinkled up shirt.

   Joel grabs the rock shakily again, staring away as to not see the blood on it. He tries to attack his wings with it, but finds that it's too hard. He drops the rock with a pained sigh and hits his back against the tree again.

   Joel can only do that two other times before he's crying loudly and squeezing his arms in pain. He only got one layer of one of his wings off, the rest of his wings simply destroyed and hurting.

Joel brings a hand to his mouth to muffle his cries, and gags when he tastes his blood. Wrong hand.

Joel tries to breathe steadily, and he becomes painfully aware of all the damage he did to himself. For what?

He ripped the antenna out of his head. Because he hoped that his parents would love him again with them gone.

He cut up his ears. Probably making them look crooked and disgusting. All so that he could be loved again.

His wings are torn and destroyed.

Joel did all of that. He hurt himself, because he is desperate for his parents' love back.

Joel's eyes turn glassy as more tears push through, he's surprised that he can even still cry. Joel spreads his hurting wings, ignoring their protest.

Joel still feels angry, under all the regret, desperation, and sadness that he feels.

So he grabs his wing, staring ahead at a fallen leaf as he feels his delicate wing. Joel sucks in a breath and sniffs, then yanks.

And pain explodes through Joel's wing and back. Joel cries out as skin tears, and blood runs from broken skin.

He breathes quickly and holds in front of him a chunk of slightly see through material. A piece of his wing. He sees the torn muscle and winces.

Joel collapses against the tree, more pain coming as the blood from his ripped antenna drips down the side of his face.

Joel seems to just now realise how much blood there is. Flowing from his head, dripping from his ears. The little scratches his nails did to his arms. The broken skin on his back. His injured knees from when he fell earlier.

It's all making him dizzy, the pain and blood loss.

Isn't that bad? Joel absentmindedly thinks. He is sure a teacher or something has told him something about injury or blood loss before. But he can't recall.

Joel's eyes droop, but tears still persistently fall. A small realisation clicks in Joel's mind and he sobs a bit.

Too much blood is gone. The pain is starting to dull.

Is that how it works? For the pain to fade away?

Is that how dying is?

Joel can't move. His wings are helplessly twitching and seemingly trying to escape. But Joel's done. He pushed himself too far.

Joel's clenched fist loosens on his shirt, and his eyes flutter, almost closing as his vision blurs more.

He regrets it now. But all Joel wanted was to be accepted again.

Joel's eyes close as his body slowly shuts down, both from exhaustion and blood loss. He just wanted love.

Joel breathes out slowly, his body going limp against the tree, the remaining tears rolling down his cheeks.

And on my birthday too..

✄┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈