A/N: LISTEN! THIS IS A WARNING! Besides some serious angst, there is also the topic of self-harm mentioned in this chapter. Please don't read this, if you are uncomfortable with it, or if it's a trigger for you. I want you all to STAY SAFE!

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His fingers glided over the black and white keys in a smooth movement, trying to convey his feelings into a song. Simon's hands were not as skilled as Jace's, though. He could play it with his eyes closed, not even looking at them, conjuring sounds that were almost heavenly, angelic even. He made it all look so easy, when in truth there was always so much pain. Simon's looked down, the keys seemed like a menacing grin now, the white teeth sharp and daunting him. He wondered if there'd be a voice coming out if he'd try to sing. His throat seemed to be closing, hurting him every time he swallowed and with a jolt he realized, he'd been trying to hold back tears for almost an hour now.

He stopped abruptly, letting the sound die out. It lingered in the otherwise empty room, like a mocking laugh. He stared up at the ceiling, the only lamp swinging on its cord, almost giving in, at it cast an unfamiliar shadow upon his face. He used to love this room. Now, he wished it never existed. He raised his hand, to grab the small glass with a brown liquid from the lid of the piano. The black instrument was reflecting himself when he stood up, the drink in his hand and it was deformed by the waves and corners of the piano. His bitter smile stared back at him. Maybe it was better this way. Maybe this was who he was now.

I'm in my bed
And you're not here
And there's no one to blame but the drink and my wandering hands
Forget what I said
It's not what I meant
And I can't take it back
I can't unpack the baggage you left

When he stared at the door that led back to the rest of the house, he froze, sipping the bitter alcohol, burning his tongue, hoping to numb it and other senses. The words echoing back from the walls were too much inside his heads, they wouldn't leave, however hard he tried. They didn't leave, because he knew it was all his fault.

"I saw you, and you're just lying to my face?"

"I thought this meant something to you. Clearly, I was wrong!"

"I can't help you anymore, Simon, you're destroying yourself and you're taking me down with you. And you're blaming me for it. I can't take it anymore."

"I loved you, I still do. But it won't ever be enough."

"I'm leaving and I'm not coming back. You have to be there for yourself, at least promise me that."

He heard the crash of the falling glass, when it hit the wall and shattered, the floor then covered with small, glinting shards and brown liquid, almost like blood against the red carpet underneath. His eyes were now squeezed shut, hand shaking. If he was truly alone now, he wouldn't know what to do next. There was no next, without Jace. Even if there was, he didn't want to find out about it. 

What if everything they had gone through was for nothing? It was Simon, after all, who fucked it up. Why is it, that you can love someone so much, and still hurt them, so badly? He didn't mean to do it, of course. And when Jace asked if he wasn't enough, of course Simon said that he is, and he was. So why did he do it? He had nothing to say to defend himself and evidently, there was nothing to be said. You always think that you would never hurt someone like that, and then you just take one shot too many, drink a beer one too many and your brain convinces you that you're not loved and that you'll never be loved. And then you go an do stupid things, just like Simon did. He will regret it for the rest of his life, but it didn't matter now.

What am I now?
What am I now?
What if I'm someone I don't want around?
I'm fallin' again
I'm fallin' again
I'm fallin'

He remembered the way Jace had been the one to help him work through all the insecurities and later, he'd found that Jace needed him, just as much as he needed the blonde by his side.

Simon's hands shook as he picked up a picture set on the small desk next to the door. It was of him and Jace, laying down on the grass in a park. Simon's hand was in the air as he pointed to the clouds, his head on Jace's lap as the other one sat, listening and a smile on his face. Simon remembered the way it felt, having Jace's hand stroke his hair.

"That one looks like a murderous, human-eating bunny." Simon said and felt Jace shake as the blonde laughed. "What? Where'd you get that from?" he asked, out of breath. They had been going at this for about 20 minutes now, Simon had a very vivid imagination. "What do you mean, can't you see those fangs? They're like a vampire's or something." Simon told him, very serious and looked up to meet Jace's amused blue orbs. "If they have an uprising, will you keep me safe?" Jace asked, smirking. Simon smacked his thigh. "Joke all you want, when the time comes, you'll be begging for me to let you in my bunker." he said, with a glum expression and Jace laughed again, leaning down, giving him a kiss. When he went back up, Simon let his hand find another cloud. "That's definitely a naked Santa Claus." he said and Jace laughed, just as there was a click. "Perfect!" Isabelle said, flipping the photograph in her hand.

Simon smiled slightly, setting the picture down. Was there even any point to being sad anymore? Jace wasn't coming back, Simon was just left with all these beautiful memories so why should he be sad? He still was, though. He knew why. He knew, that he was scared of what he will become without Jace.

What if I'm down?
What if I'm out?
What if I'm someone you won't talk about?
I'm fallin' again
I'm fallin' again
I'm fallin'

Simon heard his phone ring in the kitchen and with a sigh he went for it. The apartment was cold, the snow falling behind the window, the curtains were half-way drawn and he could still see the fluffy white flakes spiraling down. He shivered, but didn't turn on the heat. He couldn't be bothered.

He answered the call without checking who it was.

"Simon, where are you?" Magnus's voice drifted to him and he sighed, closing his eyes.

"At home?" he said, like it was a question and heard Magnus exhale impatiently.

"You were supposed to be here an hour ago. The dinner, remember? Maia looks like she's about to kill me." Magnus complained and Simon heard someone else's muffled voice. "And so does Clary." he added and Simon huffed out a breath.

"I told you, I'm not coming. I told you this a thousand times, you just chose to ignore it." Simon said, plopping down on the couch, reaching for a blanket.

"Simon, we're worried about you..." Magnus said and Simon laughed sarcastically. "Really? Is that why you've been hanging out with Jace so much? Because you're worried about me?" he hadn't intended to sound so hostile, but the words just accidentally came flowing out of his mouth.

There was a few second of silence and then Magnus spoke again, hurt evident in his voice. "Simon, you're my best friend. I'm not doing anything to hurt you. And I'm not hanging out with Jace, by the way. Alec is, and they are brother, so you can't really blame him. They are family." Magnus said. Simon rolled his eyes, but he knew Magnus was right.

"Is he going to be there?" Simon suddenly asked and then he heard Magnus draw in a breath. "He...is here, already." Magnus said, hesitant. Simon couldn't believe it. "And you we're going to ask me to be there, without telling me that first? That's-" he started to get angry again but Magnus stopped him. "Simon, he was the one who asked if you could come. He said he's fine with it and that he would like to see you. He said he misses hanging out." Magnus told him and Simon felt his heart clench.

"That's not- He doesn't meant that. And I wouldn't do that to him. It wouldn't be fair to him. I fucked up and I'm dealing with it. The last time we saw each other, he said he won't ever want to see me again. I get it and I'm respecting that." Simon said, jaw clenched. Tears were threatening to fall from his eyes but he resisted.

"Simon, it was a mistake, that you yourself admitted. It was a kiss, nothing more, remember? You're making this into a huge thing, while Jace has already forgiven you." Magnus reminded him and Simon laughed joylessly. "But that's not what this is about. This is about so much more. I'm tired, Magnus, and I know he is, too. We've both got too many problems to handle, and we need to do that alone, instead of dragging each other down." Simon replied, voice hollow and without any emotion. Suddenly, he did feel very tired. He just wanted to close his eyes and not wake up. Everything hurt so much.

You said you cared
And you missed me, too
And I'm well aware I write too many songs about you
And the coffee's out
At the Beachwood Café
And it kills me 'cause I know we've run out of things we can say

"Simon, listen to me. You're going to be just fine, this isn't the end of the world. And only you can fix it, so talk to him. He is willing to, so why won't you be? I can't let you-" Magnus was now talking in a frantic whisper, so no one would hear him, probably, and Simon shook his head. "- let me what? Fall into that hole again? It doesn't matter, I never got out. You're right about one thing, though. Only I can help myself, no one else, not you, not him, not anyone. So just let it be, leave me to be and stop worrying about things you can't fix." Simon told him, harshness back in his voice and without a second thought, he clicked the call shut.

It ringed the second he did and he turned off his phone. He felt horrible for how he treated Magnus, but right now, he couldn't bring himself to care enough. His head ached, his fingers were numb and the familiar darkness at the back of his mind came creeping back. He examined the faint scars on his wrists. It had been over a year, but they were still there, barely visible, but there. He wondered if his blood still looked the same.

What am I now?
What am I now?
What if I'm someone I don't want around?
I'm fallin' again
I'm fallin' again
I'm fallin'

It's not as if Jace leaving him was the end of the world, Magnus was true on that statement. It was a lot of things, really, that made Simon do stupid stuff, say mean things etc. Magnus had just always been there for him, trying to fix it, help him. Sometimes, it worked.

"Simon?" he heard Magnus's voice drifting to him and let the blade fall, panicking instantly. Why was he here? Did he forget another meeting? "Simon, are you in here?" Magnus called out again and Simon stood up, feeling slightly dizzy, the blood dripping down his wrist as he threw the blade into the sink, the clattering noise loud in his head. He turned, getting a towel (white, of all colours) and wrapped it around his aching hand, just as Magnus opened the door. "Si-" he started but stopped, eyes going wide as he saw him. Simon lingered a little, eyes drooping and for some reason he smiled. "Hi." he said, voice weak and low.

Magnus came in instantly, wrapping his arms around him, gently holding his arm as moved them to the bedroom. He sat Simon down without a word and kneeled, to get the first aid kit from under the bed. Simon was silent as Magnus worked, like he had done it a million times before. Well, he had. Maybe not a million, but a dozen at least. Simon didn't count, it got to be too much after a while. He didn't even notice when his wrist was wrapped up in a bandage, and Magnus was sitting beside him, arm around his waist. He leaned to let his head fall to his shoulder and he heard Magnus's shallow breaths. "Simon, I'm here. You don't have to be scared, I'm here." he said to him in a soothing tone and Simon smiled, sleepily. "I know." he said. He didn't cut himself for two months after that.

Other times, it didn't work. Simon still remembered how he had literally cut himself with a knife, right in front of Magnus, scaring him half to death. At the hospital, Magnus cried, a lot, along with Clary and Alec and Isabelle. Jace wasn't crying, he had just been emotionless. After everyone had gone, he just lay next to Simon and they talked about it. They talked a lot, and the thing was, Simon felt safe talking to Jace about it. Because he had similar burdens, and he got it.

What if I'm down?
What if I'm out?
What if I'm someone you won't talk about?
I'm fallin' again
I'm fallin' again
I'm fallin'

Simon felt like that, again. Like he could talk to Jace about his feelings, what he was experiencing now. And with a jolt, he also realized, he couldn't do that anymore, and there was really nothing stopping him. He got up, thinking about Jace again. His blonde hair, mismatched eyes, the way he dressed, the way he sometimes wore Simon's sweaters when he was cold. The way he smiled, one corner of his mouth slightly more upwards than the other. The way his hands shook when he let them slide across Simon's body, like he was touching something fragile. The way he called to Simon, when he had one of his nightmares. The way he needed Simon to hold him, when his moodswings took hold. The way his hand always found Simon's, when he was feeling uncomfortable.

If Simon was falling again, he hoped Jace wouldn't. He deserved to get out. He deserved the light and all the bright places. Jace deserved to be happy, Simon just hoped that there would be someone like him, to hold Jace when he needed it and to ride through all the good and the bad. Maybe it was just too much for both of them. Two broken people can't make healthy whole.

And I get the feelin' that you'll never need me again

Without even realizing, he had gotten up and was now in the bathroom. Maybe the warm water would make it better? He'd heard it would. So he ran the water and thought about all the times he had been stopped, by friends, family and by himself. He sighed. He was alone and he had the control right now. Was this what he really wanted? All of his thought were so scattered, complicated, so, uneven.

"Do you know what I was thinking?" Jace asked him, kissing his temple. Simon hummed, shaking his head slightly, soaking in the sun. The waves of the sea were crashing against the rocks and it almost lulled him to sleep along with Jace's voice. It was soothing. Ha adjusted himself on the bench, where his legs were over Jace's, his head leaning against Jace's shoulder. "We could go anywhere, just the two of us. Where would you want to go?" the blonde asked and Simon smiled. "Iceland." he said and Jace scoffed. "Why there?" he asked, incredulous. Simon shrugged. "I don't know, I want to see those big things that spit out water and hot air." he said and Jace laughed, his hands moving to hold Simon. "You mean geysers?" he asked and Simon shrugged again. "Whatever, Mr. Smartass." he said sarcastically and Jace chuckled. 

Simon moved his hands to Jace's chest, stroking it and Jace grabbed his hands carefully, kissing the bandages softly. Simon watched him, his heart beating loud in his chest. "Then we'll go to Iceland." he said quietly, against Simon's hands. The brunette sighed, his eyes not leaving Jace. The blonde held him so carefully. Simon looked up at him and Jace leaned back, hands still around his wrist, holding them gently and smiled at Simon. "I love you." he said and Jace pecked his lips. "I love you, too." the blonde replied and Simon laughed when Jace nuzzled himself against the crook of Simon's neck.

He stopped the water. He wondered if he should keep his clothes on. He decided against it, wanting to feel the water against his skin. He left his boxers on and got in, the water sloshing as he did. He felt the burn and welcomed it. The small blade in his hands was gleaming under the bathroom light. It looked almost daunting. He closed his eyes.

What am I now?
What am I now?
What if you're someone I just want around?
I'm fallin' again
I'm fallin' again
I'm fallin'

The water turned red with his blood. It looked the same as it always had, maybe more bright. Maybe that was because he hadn't seen it in a long while. It was actually beautiful.

He had never cut that deep before, the hurt was almost unbearable but he knew that it would stop soon. The drowsiness was slowly creeping in, after both of his hands bore the thin slashes, bleeding like a waterfall of red paint.

He felt happy for a moment. Then, his gaze stopped at the mirror and the cupboard. There was another picture there. Flashes of that day came to his mind.

"Come on, I am getting tired of smiling!" Clary complained, earning a glare from Isabelle. "Then hold still!" Luke stated, pointing the camera at them. Simon felt Jace's hand around him and he smiled at him. The blonde looked angelic in the summer sun, skin tan and his eyes alight with joy. "Done!" Luke said and everyone groaned. "Thank god. Can I take this off now?" Alec asked, moving to take off the jacket Magnus had gifted him. "You can take more than that off if you want." Magnus stated and winked at Alec, who turned red. "Jesus, not in front of my dad!" Clary shouted, covering her own ears and Isabelle laughed along with Jace and Simon. 

"Come on, grumpy cat, blow out the candles!" Isabelle stated, bringing Alec the cake and he was staring at it with suspicious eyes. "Did you make it?" he asked and they all laughed. "No, Jocelyn made it." she conceded, with a hurt look and Alec kissed her temple. He blew out the candles and they all cheered. Simon glanced at Jace as he hugged Alec, chatting with him, his smile bright and his eyes alive, nothing of the previous night evident in them. He decided to tuck away the ghost haunting his boyfriend right now, and confront them later. Right now, all his friends were there and he felt happier than he had in a long while.

Simon gasped, opening his eyes and he panicked, when he realized what he was feeling. Guilt. He couldn't do this to his friends. Magnus, Isabelle, Clary, Alec, Maia, Jace... He couldn't do this to them. Even if he would find peace, eventually, they wouldn't. He would be hurting them, more than himself. And if he chose this escape, it wouldn't be fair to them either. Magnus always said to him "You have to keep fighting, if not for you than for the person you want to become."

He wanted to be there for his friends. He wanted to see them get new jobs, houses, get married and have kids. Even if none of it was in his own future, he'd love to see them have it all. And if he wasn't there, he would be robbing them of the happiness they deserved, because one way or another, they would blame themselves for Simon. He knew it, his friends were the most selfless human-being on the planet.

What if I'm down?
What if I'm out?
What if I'm someone you won't talk about?
I'm fallin' again
I'm fallin' again

The red water splashed to the ground as he picked up his phone that was set on the toilet seat and he turned it on, feeling his eyelids close. Minutes passed and he felt more and more sleepy. It was such a good feeling, but at the back of his mind, there was a familiar voice whispering "Hold on. Do not leave me."

He clicked the name on his phone and just as Jace picked up, Simon felt himself falling. "Jace..." he whispered, as the phone slid from his hand and he stilled, finally there. Where he had been trying to go so desperately for years. There was really nothing that could've stopped this, except himself, and he had tried and failed.

Water was dripping, making him feel like he was standing in the rain.

His wrists hurt but he wasn't sure if he was imagining someone touching them or not. 

He saw a small light behind his eyelids and wondered if that was the 'light at the end of the tunnel' everyone talked about. He felt laughter bubbling inside his chest. That was just stupid. There couldn't have been light where he was going.

His eyelids opened, slowly, and he couldn't see anything. Nothing but the piercing light.

"Simon, I'm here. I'm here. Don't you dare leave me." he heard Jace's voice in his head, or was it for real? He still couldn't see, but he wanted to speak. He felt a hand on his and he let his fingers move a little. 

"I'm not going anywhere. I'm always going to be here." he said, hearing how raspy and quiet his own voice sounded, like he was observing it from a bystander viewpoint. Then it all went dark again and he smiled, letting the lights go off.

I'm fallin'

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A/N: Self-harm is a very serious topic, which is why I'm telling you, that if you every experience something even remotely like this, reach out to someone. Someone you trust and who will understand, or will just listen and be there for you. If you have no one, you have me. You can always contact me and I will be there to listen and help, if I can, but sometimes just getting to talk to someone is the best thing. Take care of yourself, and I'm sorry for making you all go through this terrible oneshot. I hope you'll forgive me, when I post the next one, which will be a lot happier. TAKE CARE :)x