Simon remembered the first night with Jace so clearly. It had been months, maybe even years? Time seemed to fly past them, and yet the first night stayed with him. Maybe that was why he let it all run its course, every time. Through all the fights and the silence, when Simon could almost hear their hearts beat out to each other, but the sound never saved them. They just never let them beat as one. 

The first night was nothing like the other nights. Jace could be gone for days, and frankly, later, so could Simon. But Jace was the one, who stumbled in at 3am, drunk out of his mind, or high, it didn't matter, and he said all these things, that deep down, Simon knew they both must've meant. When Jace was drunk, he got angry. A lot. He shouted, screamed at the top of his lungs and all that anger was pointed at Simon. Sometimes, he would yell back. Sometimes he would break down and cry. 

Drink all night, never sleep
You say, "Go", I won't leave
I love you, you love me
But not in the same way
Rip my heart out and leave
On the floor, watch me bleed
I love you, you love me
But not in the same way

Simon stood up in his apartment, that was beginning to feel like a connecting point for the two of them. He wobbled to the kitchen, needing to hydrate after smoking weed almost all morning, and he stumbled over the kitchen stool. He closed his eyes, head spinning. The first night was perfect. And Jace had said that he loves him and he had said the same thing. In time, they had said it, over and over again, until the words lost all meaning. Now, they said it to end their fights. Because however Simon tried to deny it, they needed each other. He hated himself for it. But he loved Jace. He knew he did, but just not in the right way. They had smeared the saying with alcohol, drugs, meaningless sex and words that cut like knife through both of their hearts, because Simon knew that Jace was hurting just as much - he just didn't show it.

Feeling lightheaded now, Simon lied down on the floor. It wasn't particularly clean but it wasn't dirty either. Not that he would've cared. His thoughts were clouded, like looking through water, the sounds of the TV muffled and distorted and a small fly buzzing around the lamp that he now stared up at, was inexplicably loud. 

When the door opened and he heard the sound of keys being dropped on the dresser, he almost winced. He closed his eyes, praying that this was not the night that Jace was in a bad mood. He also prayed that this was not the night that he was in a good one. What did he pray for? Simon didn't believe in God anymore, but he prayed that Jace would leave and never come back. Make this easier for the both of them. But he knew that the blonde would always come back, even from the depths of hell, he would.

Not even realizing it, he was crying. The tears went down his face, leaving smudges around his eyes, because the eyeliner he had used days ago was still there, faint but there, after he had gone out with people he didn't know, slept with people he didn't know, just to numb the pain. Never worked, though.

Not today
Mascara's runnin' down your face again'
I can feel it comin' down on me
Hurricane insert name
We're good at this game, game

He felt Jace kneeling next to him, he was instantly hit with the smell of him - Jace smelled good even when he had been drinking. It was like a breath of fresh air. Sometimes, Simon would snatch a clothing of his and hid it, so he could smell it, when he felt too overwhelmed by the real Jace. The one that talked and said all those horrible things. He opened his eyes and Jace was looking back at him, eyes glazed. Probably heroine, that was his go-to drug. He wasn't sure though, Jace seemed a little too out of it. He lied down next to him, breathing out and their hands touched in the middle. Simon's little finger curled around Jace's and he smiled. It was the little things that added up to the big one, the most important one - they loved each other, but not as they should've and they had convinced themselves that it was all they needed.

We fuck, we fight, then you call me a psycho
I walk out the door, but you won't let me go
Turn right around, throwin' rocks at your window
But I can't forget you, and I always let you

Simon turned his head a little to look at him. His blonde hair were slightly dirty and he was wearing a simple T-shirt. His neck had a new bruise, no, a hickey. Simon's eyes glided over it, like it was nothing. It wasn't his, but he didn't care whose it was. As long as Jace came back, he was not going to think about it. But his brain seemed to have other ideas.

"Where were you!?" Simon yelled for the millionth time and Jace finally screamed back, holding his hands up and his eyes looking angry, but guilty. "I cheated on you, okay!? And you know that's not the first time, you just never had the guts to confront me about it!" Jace said and Simon flinched. "I should have the guts? You should have the decency to admit it!" Simon screamed back, throwing the knife in his hands into the sink. He had just been making dinner. Like Jace even deserved it, he thought. The blonde smirked. "Like you are so innocent. I know where you've been." he said. Simon sighed. "It's not like we live together. In fact, you know what this is?" he asked, now calm and Jace was standing in front of him, like he knew what he was going to say. He was almost egging him on. "This is just pleasure. Desire. Nothing more." Simon whispered, feeling able to think clearly for the first time. What were they doing? What were they doing? Jace leaned down and kissed him fiercely, picking him up and laying him on the counter and Simon moaned under his touch. He knew what they were doing, they both did.

He flinched, remembering something from years back and he leaned over to Jace, whose hand went to his cheek. His eyes were sincere and Simon was sure, he looked the same. He didn't want to hurt Jace, yet he did it. And Jace didn't want to hurt him, yet he went out of his way to do it. So why were they still here?

Drink all night, never sleep
You say, "Go", I won't leave
I love you, you love me
But not in the same way

"Jace..." Simon said and his voice was a whisper, his throat hurt badly, but his heart beat in a steady rhythm. The blonde smiled at him, and it was like seeing him for the first time again, when they had only met and they were not so worn down. How did they come to this? They had tried to stay away from each other, knowing they'd end in a disaster, but they gave in. They had to give in. 

Simon leaned down and pressed his lips to Jace's and he felt the blonde's dry and chapped lips under his but it was glorious. His mind raced with a thousand thoughts and they were all saying the one thing 'End this, end this.' He kissed him, sweet and pure and Jace kissed him back, his hand going into Simon's hair. They breathed each other in and another tear escaped Simon's eyes.

Rip my heart out and leave
On the floor, watch me bleed
I love you, you love me
But not in the same way

Jace's fingers ran up Simon's back, he knew every dimple, every line, every crook. What he didn't know was Simon's pet dog's name, that he had when he was small.

Simon knew the way Jace liked it, when he kissed him while biting his lower lip and squeezing his hips, so he would leave bruises. But what he didn't know was the name of that friend Jace had in high school, who died in a car accident. 

Jace knew, that when he tugged at Simon's hair, he would make a small sound at the back of his throat that showed him how much he was enjoying himself. But what he didn't know was that Simon hated pineapples on pizza. 

Simon knew, that Jace liked it when he put both of his arms above his head, restraining the blonde. What he didn't know, was that Jace liked his coffee black, with two sugars.

Jace knew that Simon had a sweet spot just below his ear and it did wonders on him when he bit down on it. But what he didn't know was that Simon's father had died when he was young, and they were the bestest of friends. 

Simon knew that Jace liked it when he kissed his neck, leaving little bite marks all over. What he didn't know was that Jace had an abusive father, who went to jail when he was young.

Simon felt Jace move under him, and he leaned back on the floor when Jace sat up, pushing him down. He moved on top of him, kissing him with more passion now, rougher than before.

Drink all night, never sleep
You say, "Go", I won't leave
I love you, you love me
But not in the same way
Rip my heart out and leave
On the floor, watch me bleed
I love you, you love me
But not in the same way

After a while, when Jace would come home drunk and obviously after fucking around, Simon would either lock himself into his room, or fuck Jace himself. He had a complex to show Jace that he was so much better than anyone else. No one could treat him the way he did. No one knew him like he did. But how much did they really know each other? After years of doing this dance, they were like blank canvases to each other, they could barely whisper each others name's when they were high or drunk.

Simon felt Jace's tongue swipe over his lower lip and he let him in, welcoming him like he always did. And whenever they did this, they always ended up entwined in bed. And after, after that, Simon always regretted the one thing - that it didn't mean anything to them. They had done it because they thought it would fix everything but they kept on making it worse. They never talked. Their bodies did the talking for them, until they didn't even know anymore, what talking meant.

Not today
I'm wakin' up to my mistakes again
I know you love to point them out
Baby, I'm sick of sadness and you're sick of Xanax
We're good at this game, game

One time Simon had caught Jace taking pills. Nothing new - except he was on their bathroom floor and the bottle was empty. He called an ambulance and after, when they were back in the apartment, he yelled at him. He yelled all the things he wanted Jace to know. That he was sorry. That he was angry. That he never thought Jace would be the first to go, but him. That it wasn't fair to leave him like that. That it hurt when Jace wasn't breathing but he felt relief at the same time. And he felt guilt after thinking that. And that he loved him. He loved him. Loved him, but not in the same way, never in the same way.

We fuck, we fight, then you call me a psycho
I walk out the door, but you won't let me go
Turn right around, throwin' rocks at your window
But I can't forget you, and I always let you

Simon had once threatened Jace with jumping down their building, from the roof. Those were the only two times they had threatened to end it. But after that, Jace made themselves promise, that they would never end it in that way. If they did, they would have to end it between them. But never their lives. Never that.

Drink all night, never sleep
You say, "Go", I won't leave
I love you, you love me
But not in the same way
Rip my heart out and leave
On the floor, watch me bleed
I love you, you love me
But not in the same way

Simon sighed into the kiss, and Jace was leaning down on him, pressing their bodies together. He couldn't stop it. He couldn't stop wanting Jace. He thought he never would. But he wanted so much more.

He pushed him off, standing up. Jace stood up, too, wild eyes scanning him. He wasn't sure if he was confused by his whereabouts or why Simon pushed him away. "Simon?" he asked, unsure of himself. Simon shook his head. He had to do it. It was too much. But Jace came towards him, pulling his hands. "Shower. You're makeup..." Jace said and Simon let himself be pulled to the bathroom, where Jace removed his clothes and then Simon's. He pushed him under the shower, letting hot water stream down on their naked bodies and Jace's hand went to his face, washing off the smudged eyeliner. And Simon cried silently, because who could tell, when there was water everywhere? But Jace felt his shuddering breaths and his chest falling and rising rapidly and he made him raise his head. 

Looking at Jace's mismatched eyes, he saw that they were sad and painful to even look at. There was so much wrong with them, with everything. And here they were and Jace was crying, too. Simon didn't know he could do that in front of him. He pulled Simon towards him, hugging him and they stood under the water, silently crying but the voice in Simon's mind grew louder and louder - 'Do it. End this.'

Drink all night, never sleep
You say, "Go", I won't leave
I love you, you love me
But not in the same way
Rip my heart out and leave
On the floor, watch me bleed
I love you, you love me
But not in the same way

Way
But not in the same way
Way
But not in the same way

After a while, the water started to turn cold, but they kept each other warm, in the only way they knew how and Simon could never say no to Jace, like he couldn't say no to Simon. Their ragged breathing was almost deafening among with the moans and gasps, but Simon didn't care. If this was the last time, he shouldn't think about what will happen when it's all over. He only wanted Jace and he only wanted the chance to really show him, how much he meant to him, truly.

I never wanna lie to you
But I can't say no to you
I know you think I'm bulletproof
But you know how to hurt me, too

They were both guilty in the sense that they let it go on for so long. They were both guilty of loving each other and hating each other. When they finally settled down on the bed in the bedroom, Jace traced his fingers along Simon's stomach, while he moved the blonde's hair out of his face. They were both more sober than ever, when Simon kissed Jace's temple. "Jace, it hurts too much." Simon finally said, his voice low and pained, when he took Jace's hand in his and looked at him, his eyes. The blonde stared back at him, reflecting what Simon felt. Their naked bodies were still glistening from the water and Simon could see a droplet fall down Jace's stomach, dripping along his V-line. He looked glorious, so good it hurt. 

"I know." Jace breathed out, his eyes closing as he pulled Simon close to him. They hadn't done this in ages. Just laying next to each other, no lies, just painful truths. And it hurt, but it was a bittersweet victory for them. Finally, they could talk.

In the dark, we're black and white
In the morning, colourblind
Leave your mark with every bite
Then everything's alright

"I really am sorry." Jace said and Simon opened his eyes, looking at him. He looked empty. Like life had drained from him and he was tired, after running a marathon for every day for the past year. Simon knew how he felt. And even though he was right, he still wanted to protect Jace from himself. "Me, too." Simon said softly, his thumb tracing Jace's lower lip as the blonde breathed out, sighing into the touch.

When you tell me you love me
Then you wanna leave me
Pouring your pills down the sink
Sayin' "It's not what you think"
Don't know if I love you
Don't know if I hate you
But I can't forget you, and I'll always let you

It was difficult to accept but they had lost it all. There was no denying it. And even though they once promised to love each other 'til the end, the end could always come more swiftly then they could imagine. It was a miracle they lasted this long. So many nights and days wasted on trying to prove their love, when in reality, they were trying to prove how much they didn't love each other. And now, finally, they knew.

Drink all night, never sleep
You say, "Go", I won't leave
I love you, you love me
But not in the same way

"I did love you." Jace continued, his chest falling and rising slower now, while Simon's hand rested on it. "I loved you, too. It was never enough, though." Simon replied, his voice now calm, like they were talking about the weather. "Maybe some day it will be." Jace offered, his voice hopeful, even though he wasn't talking about today, or tomorrow. Not even years from now. He wasn't talking about a time that existed. But words could help soothe the pain. Not much, but just enough so they could go through with this.

Rip my heart out and leave
On the floor, watch me bleed
I love you, you love me
But not in the same way

"Simon...Can I-I just want you. Like the first night. Do you remember?" Jace asked him and Simon looked at his blonde beauty. He remembered, of course he did. He smiled and nodded at him. If this was to be it, then they should make this like it was the beginning of something beautiful. 

When Jace held him, he felt safe all of a sudden. The weight of the world fell from his shoulders, when Jace traced his lips on them, soft like feathers, and he sighed contently. The pleasure he felt was not what he had felt before, but like that first night, he felt loved and held. Cared for. And Jace made him feel like he should've been feeling in the first place, all this time. The blonde traced his fingers on his back, leaning over him and making him arch his back, giving Simon the ability to see stars, for the second time in the long period that they had been doing this. He saw the love in Jace's eyes when he called out his name and he felt immense love for him. He did, he swore he did, but how could he know? How could either of them know?

Drink all night, never sleep
You say, "Go", I won't leave
I love you, you love me
But not in the same way
Rip my heart out and leave
On the floor, watch me bleed
I love you, you love me
But not in the same way

When Jace stood in the living room, his back to the door and Simon stood in front of him, they looked like two people, ready for a first time meeting. Only they had given that option up long time ago. Jace looked him in the eye, behind them he could see all the memories flowing and he didn't even have to say anything, Jace knew him. They might not have known each other, like other people did, but they knew each other. He came a little closer, but Simon shook his head ever so slightly. Jace stopped. He breathed in and finally, the curtain closed and Simon could hear the last standing ovation.

"See you, Simon." Jace said, although they both knew they wouldn't. Simon smiled, sincerely, and nodded. "See you around, Jace." he offered, not being able to say it otherwise. There wasn't hope anymore, they both knew it. That didn't mean they had to say it out loud. When the door closed, Simon could hear the silence.

"I love you." he whispered to the empty space and as an afterthought, added "But not in the same way."

Finally, they could love each other the way they were supposed to.

Way
But not in the same way
Way
But not in the same way

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A/N: DON'T KILL ME I know this is sad, but I love this song (I love the new 5sos album it's sooo gooood), and I had to use it. Sorry! Next one will be a happy one, I promise! You know the drill! :)xx