This chapter is deep and a bit dark, darker than the previous ones, a lot. Just proceed and you'll understand what I'm saying.

TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️
Includes self harm

Hopefully you'll enjoy it.

AAYAN

"I was once suicidal." Jawahir said quietly, I almost didn't hear her. The key word being almost. But I did hear her and my breath hitched. It wasn't what I was expecting at all. Inna lillahi wa inna ilahi rajiun!What happened that this girl considered taking her own life?

But I've never seen a scar on either of her wrists.

"I didn't slit my wrist." She said when she noticed my eyes on her hand. "I couldn't I-I don't know why. Maybe because I had a feeling someone would find me before I di.....so I didn't because...I-I do not want a remainder of the...horrific thing I almost did."

Jawahir kept quiet and I stroked her hand to calm her down because she's shaking. "I hung myself." Auzu billah. She sat upright and tied her hair in a messy bun. "If you look at my neck closely, you'll see faint scars of the rope round my neck."

I leaned forward and true indeed. There was a faint scar round her whole neck but it's barely visible.

"Ya Akram found me." She continued. "I've never seen him so terrified. I passed out and I woke up next in a hospital. I didn't let anyone see me because I was extremely ashamed. Knowing the full consequences of suicide, knowing that the sin leads to hell fire direct, yet I almost did, I almost let my demons win. Mammie barged in a week later hysterical that she had given me enough space and it's time to face reality, that whatever it is we will face it together. I begrudgingly did, I just wanted to hide forever. I didn't know how to face my parents, my siblings... I didn't want to see the disappointment, accusations and judgement in people's eyes....."Jawahir's breath hitched.

I pulled her to me, mumbling sweet nothings in her hair. By Allah I didn't even know what to say or what to do. So I just held her close, hoping it'll be enough.

I wanted to so much ask, why? But my lips couldn't move.

"You must be wondering why right Aayan?" Jawahir looked up at me with bloodshed eyes, tears filled them to the brim but not falling yet.

I nodded stiffly.

"I was kidnapped when I was fourteen."

THUMP!

THUMP!!

THUMP!!!

THUMP!!!!

My heart beat at a furious rate, like it's about to break out of my ribcage.

"—or was it abducted I'm not even sure."

"H-how did it happen?" I whispered. My mind coming up with horrible scenarios.

"I was at home alone because I was sick and I had an important test to study for. I heard movement downstairs, I ignored it because Mammie told me some plumbers will come to fix the pipes in the kitchen. The commotion got too much so I went to check, I saw a hooded figure rumbling through the cabinets. He looked nothing like a plumber, he was wearing all black. He abruptly turned around when he heard my footsteps, I tried to run but I bumped into someone behind me, he then placed a white cloth on my nose and everything blacked out.

I woke up in a cell, with my hands and legs tied. The place was stinking awfully, there was just one window and a door. They were about fifteen girls beside me. I was scared, confused and my head was hammering.

I didn't know for how long I was there, since I woke up none of the men or anybody entered the room. I was getting weak, no food, no water and the place was awfully cold. The girls were quiet as if they were mute. None of them made a sound, they just stared into space like some zombies.

I don't know for how long later, but a man came in and randomly dragged a girl by her hair. That was the first time I saw a reaction from them. There were so terrified and some were crying. I didn't want to conclude what he'll do to her........but when she came back black and blue, her clothes were torn barely covering her, with bruises painting her body and-and with-blood d-d-dripping down her thighs..... I knew that......"

Jawahir choked on a sob, crying agonizingly. Inna lilahi wa inna ilahi raji'un!!! Ya Arhaman rahimin.

No!! My mind is screaming. It can't be!! But that wouldn't change the fact that the girl was.......raped.

I swiftly picked up Jawahir and placed her on my laps, she buried her head in my chest as painful sobs racked through her.

Was she also....NO! It can't be.
Please don't let it be true! Ya rahman.

"Were you also......." I couldn't bring myself to say it, I just couldn't.

She didn't say anything just cried harder. Hadha la yamkin an yakuna sahiha; this can't be true.

"Tesoro, habibty, urjuk qul shayaan; please say something." I racked my fingers through her curls.

"No... I was not." She whispered.

I cannot begin to explain the immense relief that passed through me when I heard what she whispered.

'Alhamdulillah' I kept mumbling and pecked her repeatedly on her hair, forehead, cheek anywhere I could place my lips on.

And she continued..... How men kept dragging random girls with them. Oh Allah. Save us from the clutches of these evil people, protect us.

She continued narrating how she and a girl Jamila were left alone because apparently they are the boss's 'type' fair and skinny, disgusting. How the thugs will get drunk and hit them with anything they could get, anywhere and everywhere, touching them inappropriately. That the men disguise their selves as workers from a particular company to abduct teens mostly girls. Those disgusting human beings.

".......but there was this bulky guy around the age of 25, he always had this sympathetic look on his face whenever the others physically harmed us. He was the one that always guarded us." She kept quite for a while and I kept mumbling sweet nothings in her hair since she's still on my lap.

I think one of the most pervasive evils in this world is greed and acquiring money for money's sake. People with dead hearts and black souls will do anything for money, no matter who and what they destroy. I keep asking myself, where has the humanity gone?

Humanity is lost because people have stopped using their conscience as their compass.

"They were planning on selling us to a group of men the next day, because according to them the money they'll get will be more than the money our parents will pay. On the same night the bulky guy said that he was there to help us escape. I didn't believe him at first, I didn't what to believe, I've never been that frightened or terrified ever in my life. I just wanted to wake up from that nightmare, but sadly I couldn't. He explained that he has being in the business for a while and wants to repent but doesn't know how to, so he thought maybe trying to save us the victims will be a way for him to start repenting.

I believed him and agreed, I didn't have any choice but few were afraid. Five of us were the only ones willing to take the risk.

We planned to escape at night when they usually get drunk. Everything was going perfectly and we were already out of the building when one of them noticed us, and that's when all hell broke loose." Her breathing hitched, nerve wrecking sobs racking through her body.

"They started firing anyhow, that was the most terrifying thing I've ever witness, not even when I was back in the cell. We managed to go far but one of us, Huraira was shot.......s-s-she died on the spot."

"She died, Aayan, she died." Jawahair wailed clutching my shirt. "Her family didn't get to see her corpse. We couldn't do anything, we watched as she took her last breath, we watched her die. And-and w-w-we left, Aayan we just kept on running, leaving her behind. We just left Aayan, we just left her there. I feel like I'm also responsible for her de...

"No Tesoro. Don't you dare say that." I quickly interjected before she could complete the sentence. "Don't you dare say you have a hand in her murder. Those good for nothing low lifes are to be blamed." I told her sternly.

"But—"

"No buts, YOU DID NOT KILL HER." I firmly told her. That sounds awfully hypocritical coming from me but this isn't about me. "Tell me, did you fire the gun?"

"No."

"Would you have?"

"No!! Never, but we, I left her alo..."

"Anybody in your place would have done the same and nobody can dare tell me otherwise or argue with me on this."

I smiled sadly at her. I know how it feels Tesoro, I do wallah. I wish I could take my own advice but it's easier said than done. The circumstances are just not the same, not in the slightest way.

"We managed to escape them, and set up a camp for the night. But we were ambushed, I didn't know if it was them or not, all I know is that we were attacked. We all ran away in different directions. I kept on running even though my feet were about to give up, I just wanted to get away from that place I did not want to go back that hell hole. I kept on running the whole night. Eventually everything blacked out, including myself.

I woke up next in a hut like room, I started panicking thinking maybe they've found me, but an old lady walked in. She explained how I collapsed in the middle of her farmland, and she along with her granddaughter bought me there.

She told me we were in a small town between Kaduna and Abuja and she'll be going to Bwari the next day, I was forever grateful when she didn't question me. The next day we took off, she dropped me off and from there I was on my own."

Jawahir then sighed and gazed at me through her lashes, I smiled at her, or at least attempted to.

"I didn't have money or phone or anything. I started walking towards a bus but I couldn't make it because a truck hit me."

I tightened my arms around her, this girl, this girl....when through so much, that I couldn't even fathom.

"I broke my right hipbone and leg and it hurt like hell, Aayan. I hard a few scratches here and there.But I'd rather have my bones broken more than once than going through that ever again." She then started playing with my button. "I've never told anyone this much before, y'know detailed, vivid and everything."

"I'm glad to hear that." My voice came out hoarse and a bit choked because I've being quite for a while.

I cupped her face and placed my forhead on hers before placing my lips softly on hers. Like every time I kiss her, a weird sensation ran through my whole body, soaking my bones to the core. Jawahir clutched my locks, making me groan. I nibbled on her bottom lip, then let go with a 'pop'

Her face as red as tomato, and I'll be lying if I say she didn't look adorable, beautiful even.

"Tesoro." I called, making sure I had her attention I started speaking.

"Anti; you." I mumbled pecking her forhead. "Anti aqwaa mimma tufakira; you are stronger than you think." I peck her left cheek. "Qutuka lafitatan lil nazar; your strength is remarkable." I placed my lips on her right cheek. "You're perfect just the way you are." And finally I placed my lips on hers again. "Anti jamilatun; you are beautiful." I told her in a sincere tone. "Minal ddakhili wal kharij; inside and out." I added.

"Aayan." She choked as tons of emotions swirl through her doe like eyes. "Thank you, for everything. For understanding, for your support and, and for saving my life from utter destruction." She's talking about how she'll have married her cousin if I haven't agreed. And I tell her so many times that there is no need to thank me. I did on my own and it's best decision I've ever made.

Jawahir got off my lap and I asked what's wrong.

"I just want to use the bathroom." She replied and limped to the loo.

She came out with a towel wiping her flushed face. "Can we please go outside?" She requested. "I'll continue, I'm feeling claustrophobic here." Came her confession in a small voice.

I immediately stood up and wound my arm around her, I supported her weight as we walked to the backyard.

Jawahir and I quietly took a seat and she heaved a sigh. "I was rushed to a local hospital, I was barely awake. The police came but the doctor told them to step out because I was not in the state the go through interrogation. An elderly officer gave me his phone to contact my family. I was conflicted, I didn't know who to call, then I called Abu. Subhanallah, I could feel the fear and relief in his voice. He arrived a few minutes later together with Ya Yusuf and Ya Akram. Ya Akram hugged me so hard that it would have being enough to piece me back together, that was the first time I've ever seen him cry, he has always being a tough cookie even before he joined the military but that day he sobbed like a baby as he held me tightly against him, he kept mumbling how scared he was and how he thought he—they—will never see me again."

No wonder Akram has a soft spot for her. I can remember immediately after the Nikah he met me with a stoic face as he warned and threatened me. "I won't say much, but remember if you hurt even a single strand of her hair then I won't hesitate to use all the skills I have on you, and you wouldn't want to know what I can do." Were his exact words.

"Ya Yusuf joined us as we cried out hearts out in relief. A-and when Abu held me I knew that I was save. From there everything was just blurry, Ya Akram and I sat in the back while Ya Yusuf drove with Abu in the passenger seat.

When we arrived home Ya Akram picked me up bridal style because of my broken leg. Everyone was there, my family, friends and even a few acquaintances. It touched my heart to know that I had that many people there for me, worried about me. And and when I finally saw my mom....." Her voice trailed off as she choked on a sob.

"She looked awful, pale and slim. You would think she was the one that was kidnapped. When she engulfed me in her warm embrace, I knew then and there that I was finally home. Everything was back to normal, well not everything, I had a broken leg and depended on people that's one of the most awful feeling. To not be able to do something for yourself without the help of others, it made me feel weak and helpless, just like how I felt when I was abruptly taken away from my family. That's why when the nightmares began I didn't say anything, I didn't want to feel caged, dependent on people again, I might sound ungrateful or prideful, egoistic even but if there's one I hate is having to ask for help, I absolutely detest it.

So I kept it all to myself, I induced a self insomnia on myself because anytime I close my eyes, I'm transported back to that horrible place, sometimes it's like reliving it all over again, sometimes the situation differ but much more worse.

It kept on getting worst and I kept improving in hiding it. Then I started having panic attacks whenever there was a male in the same room apart from my Dad and brothers. That too I hid well, none of them noticed except Ya Fifi."

I pulled her closer and wrapped my arm around as she curled by my side, resting her head on my chest. I didn't say anything, she had this far away look as if she isn't spiritually there and I have a feeling if I interrupt her she wouldn't be willing to continue, and I cannot afford that, she was finally opening up to me.

I wish I could do the same.

"She and Ya Hussain were just friends back then and he came to check on me. I started hyperventilating and feeling nauseous, my hands sweaty. She managed to get him without raising an alarm. Then she came back and practically forced the information out of me, I always resented her for that, she told Abu and Mammie and I was taken to a therapist. He strip all of the information off me, everything. It was better at first before everything derailed the nightmares got more horrific, more vivid. I told the therapist but he said that it was a part of the procedure. When it got even more worst I stopped going, they tried everything but I was adamant because only I knew what I see in those dreams, only I know what it feels like. From there depression kicked in. So many times I wanted to talk about it, I wanted to scream, I wanted to yell, I wanted to shout about it but all I could do was whisper 'I'm fine.' I started feeling like I-I was a burden forced upon them, that they were better off without me, that I was just holding everyone back. I felt worthless, because I let those creepy people set their filthy hands on me, I was stained, I felt ashamed. These ungodly thoughts kept clawing my mind, I was in a constant turmoil, it was like I was in a tug of war with my mind, a-and one day I-I just let it win.........."

I cannot begin to imagine what she went through, I won't lie and say I understand, because I don't and will never understand. It weakened my heart, I've only heard of things like this on the news never have I ever thought that someone who's so special to me, so dear to my heart, my wife went through the same struggle. I cupped her face and made sure her eyes, focus everything were on me. In a strong and stern voice. "Your life has PURPOSE. Your story is IMPORTANT. Your dreams COUNT. Your voice MATTERS. You were born to make an IMPACT. You are enough, more than enough, let me repeat so that it goes through YOU.ARE.ENOUGH Jawahir! You matter, you're important, you're loved and your presence on this earth makes a difference, whether you see it or not."

" It's not your fault and you aren't less than enough. You aren't what they did to you. You aren't the person that grew in all crooked and bent under the pressure of what happened to you. You aren't the awkwardness that came from being stepped on and over pruned. You are the spirit that survived. You are the deep roots that continued to grow beneath the surface even when you were outwardly rejected. You are the life that went on despite being mowed over time and time again. You are the beauty that remained waiting patiently for the right time to bloom. And now, because you held on even when the world turned away, your strength and compassion are kind that know no end. You, my dear, are so much more than enough. You are exceptional—because you survived, because you beat the odd, because you are a warrior, a self-taught healer, and because now you have become a beacon of hope for others who suffered like you."

It was like a lever was pulled open because she started crying agonizingly, painful, hard sobs racked through her entire body. I just held her close as we cried together, forever grateful to Allah SWT for giving her a chance, for showing her the way, guiding her onto the right path.

"I remember what Abu told me that day." Jawahir started. "He told me some hadiths. "Narrated by Anas bin Malik: The prophet (peace be upon him) said: 'None of you should wish for death because of a calamity befalling him; but if he has to wish for death, he should say 'O Allah! Keep me alive as long as life is better for me, and let me die if death is better for me.' [Sahih Al-Bukhari Book 70 Hadith 575]

'The prophet (peace be upon him) said: If somebody commits suicide with anything in this world, he will be tortured with that very thing on the Day of Resurrection. [Sahih Al- Bukhari.]

'The prophet (SAW) said; A man was inflicted with wounds and he committed suicide, and so Allah said: My slave has caused death upon himself hurriedly, so I forbid paradise for him.

Narrated by Abu Huraira: The prophet (SAW) said; he who commits suicide by throttling shall keep on throttling himself in the hell fire (forever) and he who commits suicide by Se poignarder shall keep on stabbing himself in hell fire. [Sahih al-Bukhari 1364-1365]

And a verse from Suratul Nisa; 'Don't kill yourself. No doubt Allah SWT is merciful and anyone who does so, will be pushed in fire. And it is easy for Allah SWT [4:29, 4:30]

They became my mantra, I seeked more knowledge on it, educating myself. I prayed nawafl more and engaged in reading the Holy Quran more, coupled with vehement prayers bi iznil Allah everything worked well. I realized what I grave mistake I'll have committed, I would have wasted my life, both here and in the hereafter. And that's why I'll forever be grateful to Allah SWT for making me realize my mistakes, not everybody has that luxury. And Ya Akram...... May Allah SWT bless him, that's all I can say. And though the nightmares make an appearance once in a while, I believe it will take time before they finally stop but in sha Allah one day............"

Jawahir looked at me with blurry eyes and smiled through her tears.

"This is my story Aayan."

Assalamu alaikum sisters (and brothers if any)

To be honest I cried when I got to certain points in this chapter, I won't lie. Knowing that they're people going through the same thing, some much more worse, it got to me, it hit me hard💔💔💔

We should just keep on saying Alhamdulillah, wallah we have no idea how blessed we are. Alhamdulillah💫🌙

This chapter, this chapter was challenging, it was exceptionally hard, very hard, difficult. It's the most difficult one I've written so far. I rewrote it more than thrice till I was a bit satisfied, I believe there's still room for improvement and bi izini Allah I'll work on it. (But I'm a bit proud of myself, I never thought I could pull it off like this)

I didn't do it in Jawahir POV for two reasons
1: I know I wouldn't have been able to capture the emotions like I'm supposed to, I tried but wiped off the whole thing because I honestly wasn't satisfied. (I'm not that good 😩😭😭)

2: I wanted to give a hindsight on Aayan's thoughts (I left a few clues here and there, if you were able to locate them, tohm congratulations 🎈🎊)

But I tried to express Jawahir's feelings as she narrates, so honestly the chapter is in a double POV of some sort.

Tell me FRANKLY your thoughts on this chapter, please 🙏🏼🙏🏼
Hit me with those constructive criticism.

And to those feeling the same way, please speak up.  You matter! You're important!  You're worth it! worth everything and more and most especially you're loved😭😭❤️❤️

I haven't come across anyone who went/going through this personally tbh but I believe there are people out there. YOU ARE MORE THAN ENOUGH! YOU ARE IMPORTANT! YOUR LIFE MATTERS!! ❤️❤️

Honestly, we are a bit ignorant on mental health which is not right. We need to check on ourselves and the people around us, please.

Few weeks ago a 300 level student in ABU Zaria committed suicide by poisoning herself. This is heartbreaking.

We need, ultimately, to be able to view mental health with the same clear-headedness we show when talking about physical health.
—Matt Haig—

Just a remainder;

Narrated by Abu Huraira: The prophet SAW said: "Whoever purposely throws himself from a mountain and kills himself, will be in the (Hell) fire falling down into it and abiding therein perpetually forever.

And whoever drinks poison and kills himself with it, he will be carrying his poison in his hand and drinking it in the (Hell) fire wherein he will abide eternally forever

And whoever kills himself with an iron weapon, will be carrying the weapon in his hand and stabbing his abdomen with it in the (Hell) fire wherein he will abide eternally forever."

Sahih Al-Bukhari.

And a remainder from me;

Next time you're stressed, take a step back, inhale and laugh. Remember who you are and why you're here. You're never given anything in this world that you can't handle. Be strong, be flexible, love yourself and love others. Always remember, just keep moving forward❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Please remember to smile and be happy today :) and if you feel neglected, bear in mind that a girl miles away 🍃🍂 from you loves you 💫❤️ even if she has no idea who you are🌚🥀

Till next time💋💋💋

Yours truly
Memzyb✨🌹