Dear Diary,

Spiraling.  Spiraling further and further into darkness.

Nothing makes sense.  Nothing matters.

Life isn't how I pictured it'd be when I was younger.

"When I turn 18 things will be better."
Nothing changed.

"When I graduate I'll be happy."

"When I turn 21 things will be great!"

"All I have to do is find someone I love."

Six months later he broke my heart.

"I'll focus on my career and the money will make me happy."

It bought me things I like.  But not happiness.

I'm starting to realize there's a possibility I'll never be happy.
Maybe when I have kids things will start looking brighter for me.

Then it hits me.  I'm unlovable.  Every person who has come into my life has only stayed for a moment.  My friends.  My boyfriends.

It's okay.  I'll do it on my own.  I'll have a baby on my own.

-- Wait.

Thousands on a house.  Bills on top of bills.  $15,000 on IVF.

No one to help.

It's all on me.

I'm one person just trying desperately to find happiness.

Don't I deserve it?  After years of darkness and tears, don't I deserve to smile?

Maybe this is best.  What kind of mother would I be?

The voices in my head tell me I'm worthless.  They say I'll fail.

Maybe this is best.  Being alone is best.

- Jessica Lange.  The lonely girl.