Emma stood in front of me
                               Tellin' me what I'm supposed to be

                                      Calling me, oh my oh my
                                   Cross my heart and hope to die
                                    Bourbon streets and bicycles

                                        Holding you in carnivals

                                 Baby is my love too old for you?
                                       'Cause Emma I'm for you

                              Hell and silence, Emma I'm for you

                                    Emma - Imagine Dragons

                                                         ~*~

Jesse

Tyler won’t stop crying and I’m ready to punch a hole through my wall.

The kid is already one, at least he turned one a week ago, but he still cries every night. I know Maddie won’t do shit, because when I turn around and catch sight of her, she’s still sound asleep despite Tyler’s cries. Not once since he was born has she ever woken up to do anything for him. 

 I fully wake up and suppress a sigh, before standing up and walking out of our bedroom. I turn towards my right to the second door down the hall and closer to Tyler’s wailing. Bracing myself, I try to gently push the door open but end up making it smack roughly against the wall, which only makes the little kid in Buzz Lightyear pajamas cry louder. I hope the sound at least almost wakes up his mom.

I try to hold him when I reach him, but he only starts to cry on my shoulder.

Deep inside I know that what he really needs is his mom. I know it’s useless to believe that Maddie will ever give him what he wants, so I try to hold him close in the hopes that he’ll stop crying, fall asleep, or both. Tyler has nightmares every night. We’ve taken him to a couple of shrinks, but none of them have ever fixed whatever is broken. Sometimes I blame it on Maddie’s drug use while she was pregnant, although the doctors told us that health wise there was nothing wrong with our kid. It was a miracle really, since Maddie’s always had a thing for cociane. Even I knew it was wrong when I caught her snorting the first time.

For a while we pretended to be a family. We even bought a house together and shit, but once Tyler got here it was as if Maddie figured her job was done and she could go back to her old shit. I would throw her out, can’t stand her most of the time, but I know she’ll take Tyler with her. Despite everything, he’s still my son. What sucks is that sometimes I have nightmares too, where I catch Maddie snorting a line while pregnant and then I panic, because I know that the stuff she just put into her body is reaching Tyler inside her. He’s being coated by all her monsters. Then when I wake up, I actually realize that maybe he inherited it from me since I’m the crazy fucker with the nightmares to begin with.

I briefly wonder what time it is, and I estimate it to be about three in the morning. The tiny glow of his nightlight illuminates the room a bit, while he continues to cry on my shoulder. I’m pretty much used to it now.

Maddie was never supposed to end up pregnant. She was a one-night stand that ended up being more than that when the condom broke. I met her at a bar one night. I hadn’t been interested. Her and her slutty friends had giggled all night in my direction, annoying the hell out of me. But at the end of the night when the beer goggles kicked in and she ended up on my lap, I didn’t question it. A few weeks later she had found my address and showed up at my doorstep with a pregnancy test and all the shit she owned.

I check Tyler’s pull ups, only to find that he needs new ones. He forgot to let me know that he had to go, which isn’t surprising since I’ve been trying to potty train him since a few days before. I set him down for a bit, while I rummage in one of the drawers that’s supposed to be full of his stuff, but I don’t see any new diapers.

“I’m gonna head out to get you some new pull-ups. Alright, Bud?” I whisper as gently as possible to him. I can’t let him sleep the rest of the night in dirty diapers. I see the outline of his head bob up and down, before turning on the small television he has in his room and pushing in a DVD of his favorite cartoon. I know it’s late, but I hope I can get home soon enough to put him to bed before all the remnants of sleep escape him.

I grab a hoodie from my room and pass by the lump that Maddie makes under the covers. She’s fully asleep, so that’s nothing new. I wonder why I even bother doing the right thing, when my life is so crap anyway. The engine of my Mustang rumbles under the hood as I put it in reverse and head out. There was a slight drizzle when I first walked out of the door, but the closer I get to my destination the harder it starts to rain.

It’s not the first night I head out to the gasoline station. I go there at least three times a week, all for various reasons. Sometimes Tyler wants something, and so that he can stop crying I get it, or since we’re always missing something in our house, I end up driving in the middle of the night to get that too.

The lights outside the station flicker, while I try to park close to the entrance so that I don’t get completely drenched by the water pouring down. Pulling the back of my hoodie over my head, I quickly jog out of my car and towards the main entrance. I brace myself for the cheery voice I’m gonna have to listen to the minute I walk in, but it doesn’t come.

I wonder if someone else’s has taken her shift, but when I took up she’s right there in front of me with the same smile on her face starting to light up her features. One of the drawbacks of that gas station being the closest to my house is the girl standing behind the only open cash register. I ignore her looks and walk towards the aisle that has what I’m looking for. I’ll have to deal with her soon enough.