You had been struggling with self-harm years before the apocalypse even happened, but when the dead started to rise and people started to die it only made things worse.

No one knew what you were doing to yourself, not even your boyfriend, Negan. He thought you were fine, just like everyone else did. Your best friend had gone out on a run, and came back with a bite on their neck and a bullet hole in their head.

Negan tried his best to comfort you, but nothing he did could help. Your did the only thing you knew how to do. When you knew everyone was crazy busy you decided to "take a shower".

You locked the door and stripped down to nothing as you turned the water on. You grabbed the razor blade you had taped on the bottom of one of the shelves in the inside of the medicine cabinet.

You stepped into the shower, letting the steaming water seep down your back, and soak your hair. You sank to your knees and sat down.

Your thought for a minute on where you wanted to do it, your arms or your thighs.

After some thought you decided on your arms, specifically the inside of your upper arm. You held your arm out and pressed the blade to your skin.

You took a deep breath, counted to three, and sunk the sharp metal into your skin, dragging it an inch before repeating the action about ten more times.

The blood flowed down the drain. You stuck the blade under the water and let it get cleaned off.

You got out of the shower and dressed the wounds. You retaped the blade into its place and got dressed, making sure you had your jacket on.

Your arm stung and burned with every move you made, but you pushed through it just as you always did. After that you were numb to the pain for a few hours.

When it was around nine at night Negan had showed up at your shared bedroom. You were wrapped in the blankets, wearing nothing but I've of his old long sleeve shirts and some underwear.

Negan sloughed of his jacket and slipped into bed next to you.

"You still awake baby?" He asked as we slipped his arm around your waist.

You turned around in his gentle but firm grip and nodded. Negan smiled at you.

"You feeling any better, sweetheart?" He asked, concern evident in his voice.

You shrugged your shoulders and sighed.

"I miss her/him a lot." You responded.

Negan nodded. "I know how you feel darling, just try to get some sleep okay?" He said. You nodded and nuzzled into his chest.

--

You missed (Y/BSF'S/N) more and more everyday. You tired your best not to cut again, you already had a hard time hiding the scars as it was.

But the emotions got heavier as the days and weeks went by, it was almost impossible to stay strong.

One day, exactly one moths and two weeks after your friend's death, you broke.

You tore up your leg, and just as you were cleaning everything up you realized you didn't lock the door. You realized that because you heard it open, it was Negan.

When your eyes found his face it was for wrenching. All the anger, sadness, disappointment, and anguish on Negans face was enough to make you want to continue what you were doing only seconds ago.

At first Negan was at a loss for words, you had never that man speechless before.

"I-i'm sorry." Was all you managed to say.

Negan didn't say anything. He grabbed a wash cloth and gently whipped all the blood off. You winced and installed sharply when he pressed too hard by accident, getting a quite apology from him.

When Negan had the cuts all wrapped up he just started at you blankly.

You couldn't even look at him.

"Why don't you talk to me, why the fuck didn't you let me fuckin help you!?" Negan questioned.

You swallowed the lump in your throat.

"I-i... I don't know... I've been doing this since I was eleven, and it only seems to be getting worse.." you confessed.

When you saw the tears start to drip down Negans cheeks you lost it. For the first time since your friend died you let yourself cry.

You sobbed to Negan, apologizing as much as you could.

Not long after you began crying Negan pulled you into a bone crushing, but comforting hug. He just let you cry because he knew that's what you needed.

When you had managed to calm down he whispered.

"I'm here for you, I love you with all my fuckin heart, please, never do that ever again."

You only nodded.