Summary: i don't know it's a letter i guess
Warnings: None
This was originally written for my crush. I just changed the names and changed it into a one-shot.

Dear Caspar,

I don't know why I'm writing this. I think everything just got a little too much for me, and I couldn't help like feel like everything that happened and everything that is about to happen is my fault. I can't go around with that in my mind.
When I first saw you I hated you.
It's blunt, and stupid, and rude, I know. I'm aware of this, but it's true. When we first met, I found you horrible and I never wanted to be near you. But as time grew, (it took like one and a half years for me to realise), I found that you weren't some arrogant boy. You were scared. And after a while I could tell you were sad, it was probably from the way you smiled or something. Even if you were completely happy, I somehow noticed a tiny bit of sadness in you. It was like it would never go away.
And after that I saw your true self show. You were kind to me, thoughtful about other people's opinions. I guess I never really looked, and I'm sorry for that.

But do you want to know what makes me sad?

It's how you've got this kind of idea, this kind of plan, that everything will be okay and turn out the way you want it to. And you need to get a grip on reality because that sure won't happen, not if you keep acting like this. God, you nearly got kicked out the school! I couldn't bare to go a day and not be able to stare at your god-like face or hear your mesmerising laugh. I'm only young, I know. Nevertheless, I could be whatever age, and it would still sting me. It stings so much. You don't even realise any of this is happening.

You like her. I understand that now. Maybe I just took time to see it, maybe it's a new thing, maybe I just never saw it there before. But it's there now. Your face brights up whenever she walks into the room, and I can't help but feel so small and insignificant.
I've never felt so stupid for liking you. Everybody who knows always asks me why, and I don't even know myself. It just happened.
It might seem strange, but sometimes I wish at night for me to stop loving you.

It's a just little too late for everything now, and that's okay. Still, don't let me be gone.

I have so much more to say - but I can't say it. Some things I've just got to not say out loud or ever tell you. I want to tell you so much more, but maybe somehow there will be a part two in our story. Maybe you are not in any more chapters. I don't know, I'll just have to wait and see. And now no matter how much my friends pester me about you, or no matter how many times I hear your name and I instantly turn around, it will hurt. And it will hurt and it will hurt and there's nothing I can do about it.
Like I said, I don't know why I am writing this. There's so much more to tell you, but somehow I just want to keep it all inside. I don't want to tell anybody the things I'm not writing down today, and I won't tell anybody.

If you do go, which is very likely, remember me. Even if you just remember me as the boy with the laugh that's a little too loud, or the boy who fell off his chair in year seven because he was trying to prove to his friend that he could balance and not fall off his chair. Even if you can't remember my face, even if you can't remember what my voice sounds like, just don't forget me.
Cause it looks like I'm going to have a hard time forgetting you.

Lots of love,
Joe.

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