"I don't want it." I repeated.
The doctor's eyes were darting from one corner of the room to another, he was shifting uncomfortably from one foot to another before he finally declared "I'll give his majesty and his lady some privacy..." - as if we would have minded had he just left wordlessly.
Dimitri's was a face I could not bare to look at, just like I would not bare him a child.
"Why?" He asked. And I heard something inside him break; like a large porcelain bowl smashing against the floor. And then I felt like a piece of this metaphorical porcelain shattering inside of the man I loved had ricocheted off the floor and into my heart. Piercing me just like I had him.
"Agnes threatened me." I shivered, remembering something I thought she had only mentioned in passing. "She wants to kill me and anything that grows inside me. I don't want a baby."
"So she's the one doing this to you..?"
"She isn't even the reason. I'm just not ready for a baby."
"We have 7 months to prepare." Dimitri tried to smile, to convince me.
"No." I shook my head, barely listening.
"I am not letting you kill my baby." Dimitri warned, his voice beginning to sound more angry than desperate. Of course abortion had never crossed my mind. I don't think I could do it. Would they put the baby in a glass jar and give it back to me so that I can study it from different angles in different lights? Maybe they would use it for science experiments... Or maybe they'd simply throw it away in a trash bin like a shrivelled up banana peel. Maybe they'd feed it to a dog. No. I didn't want to hurt the baby but I didn't want to raise it either.
"Adoption."
"You're out of your fucking mind." He seethed. "No goddamn way."
I began to cry, I was torn. Guilt ridden and afraid. "Then what am I supposed to do!?" I sobbed.
"Raise this baby with me. Together. I'll keep Agnes away."
"I don't want to be anyone's mother or anyone's damn queen. I just want to be myself in peace."
There was that gut wrenching sound again. Heavy porcelain against the floor. Dimitri was silent but I still heard this sound. He stayed silent for a while, waiting for me while I waited for him. Like we were out-waiting each other. He rested his head back against my flat belly and held on to me from between my legs.
"Is it me?" He asked in hushed tones.
"What do you mean?"
"You don't want this baby because its mine?" I looked down at his dark locks and miserably ran my fingers through them as if I were doing it for the last time.
"I don't want a baby because I just don't want one. Its got nothing to do with you."
"Its my child too... It has everything to do with me." He looked up at me. Begging me with his wet, red, puffy eyes and tear stained cheeks; begging me with his ugly cry knowing that it would pull my heart strings. "Seven months. That's all I need to make you want this baby." He lifted my shirt and kissed the skin below my belly button. I found it ridiculous how he kept rubbing my flat stomach like it made any difference to the baby's life. Like it could tell who's hand had been placed on my stomach. I sighed and tried to stop crying from the guilt and the fear of falling in love with the child but then being a terrible mother regardless.
Leaning back into the couch, I gave up and let the floodgates open. I sobbed and covered my face with my hands, ashamed of what I felt towards a tiny thing the size of a small grape - only nine weeks old, it was.
Dimitri slowly kissed his way upwards towards until he reached my neck. His soft lips rested on the scar of where he had marked me as his. I shivered. It never stopped being sensitive when he touched it, it didn't tingle the way it did if I touched it myself or rubbed against it with a scarf.
"You'll be amazing." He half smiled. Half because he was only partly happy because the rest of him was devastated by my reaction. "I love you... both of you." He experimented with addressing me that way. Us, I mean. I couldn't reply this time. I could feel the words forming in the back of my throat but they were stuck there. Like a stubborn fish bone. The man patiently kissed the corner of my lips as if to say 'you'll come around - I know it.'
"What do you want for lunch?" He tried to lighten the mood. "We can go out."
"We can't go out. Not when I'm in this situation. People will talk."
"You're barely showing-"
"I'm not going out with you, Dimitri."
His face fell. "Okay then." He rose from between my legs, careful not to touch me any more than necessary; like I had burned him.
I watched with longing as he walked out of the room.
∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞
Two days had passed since I fell out with Dimitri and I hated the fact that he had basically moved out of our room and into my old room; I wanted him back. But I was ashamed again, and getting him back would mean swallowing my pride and apologising... And agreeing to let him convince me that we could be parents. Looking defiantly at my flat belly, I refused to caress myself where the baby was growing. I was going to ignore what was happening inside me for as long as I could. Ignore the swelling of life, the thudding of a heartbeat that was not my own, the possibilities...
"Come back." I pleaded when I saw Dimitri going into the other room.
"I'll see you tomorrow, love." He mumbled, ignoring my request and calling me love like it would soften the blow of rejection.
"Please..." I approached him. "I'll try to be a mother for you. A good one because I know its important to you... and the baby." I spoke seriously as an attempt to compel my man to come back.
He looked skeptical at first, holding my gaze long and hard but he didn't say anything. He was waiting for something. An apology.
"Dimitri, I'm sorry I didn't consider your feelings and opinions." I blurted, eager to simply get him in my bed, and not just for sex. It must have been the hormones. How freaking cliché. "I promise to try my best." I was trying so hard to mean what I was saying to him.
Dimitri began to smile at me as he bridged the gap between us. Large hand over my thumping tummy, he brushed his lips against mine.
"Please don't do that..."
"What?"
"You're touching me differently."
"Because I'm saying hi to the baby." He smiled.
I sighed. "It can't even tell that you're saying hi." I tried to play along.
"She " He corrected, a serious look on his face. "I think we're having a girl..." He concluded, whispering into my ear.
I couldn't reply or come up with a cheeky comeback as everything was still too foreign. I was yet to become accustomed to the concept of pregnancy. There was a metaphorical bun in my oven. My heart began to feel weighed down by guilt and fear. Dimitri and I had created and there was no going back now.
"Hey." He traced my cheekbone with the pad of his thumb. "We'll be the best we can be, and she'll love us for it. I know it." He whispered before placing a gentle kiss on my forehead. I had a feeling he too was scared of parenthood, but like I said... There was go going back now.
"I missed you." I changed the subject.
"God, me fucking too." Dimitri confessed as well.

Dedicated to Princess-Amanda

This has been edited. Kinda.*