I had screwed up really badly, and I knew that. But so had Dimitri. It wasn't my fault that his actions made me question his motives; if his was still just a game to him... Was it?
He said he was 'falling in love' with me. Did he mean it? Or was it just something he said in order to intensify the guilt tripping process? I didn't think he meant it. Like really meant it. Love is such a big word. Can't take it back once its out there. I replayed Dimitri's words over and over again in my head until it felt like they were floating around in the air - like helium balloons.
'The woman I think I'm falling in love with...' Love.
'Making me look like an even bigger piece of shit than I already am...' Piece of shit.
'Fuck you...' Fuck you.
I tugged at the sleeve of Dimitri's hoodie and used it to wipe a traitorous tear. The thing was massive, even on him - the hoodie, I mean - and I guess that's why I liked it so much. I liked drowning in his aura when I missed him. But I didn't do that often - miss Dimitri, I mean. The plain white hoodie smelled freshly of him, of manly musk and expensive cologne and cigarettes. He smoked sometimes - I assumed he must have on the day he had worn the hoodie - though I'd never actually seen him do it.
Sighing, I made my way downstairs in search of the kitchen to have some dinner since I hadn't eaten all day. I  wandered around the house for a while until I could hear chatter and the clanging of pots and pans indicating the preparation of dinner but when I entered, pin drop silence ensued.
"Hello." I mumbled as I squirmed under the scorching heat of a dozen inquisitive eyes. They took a while to reply but they did eventually, individually. Noting that food probably wasn't ready yet, I asked if there was something I could do to help out.
"I'm not sure..." Said an elderly looking man. "We're almost done, miss..." He stopped seemingly mid sentence when something behind me caught his eye. I turned around to see what it was and also froze as Dimitri stood in the doorway. 
"Dimitri." I shrieked almost, due to how unexpected it felt that he was standing behind me.
"Where the fuck where you?" He spoke as he gnashed his teeth. I didn't even get the chance to answer as he was dragging me away from the staff in the kitchen and towards an empty corridor. "I thought you fucking left." 
"I didn't mean to..."
"Of course you didn't. Just like you 'didn't mean to pick unnecessary fights."
"I'm sorry." I pleaded. His words had struck a cord with me. Upon thinking about his words, I realised that he was right. Whenever he tried to make things work with me, I'd feel sceptical of him suddenly and cause an argument.
Dimitri scoffed at my apology, probably not believing me.
"I don't know what's more fucked up, you for constantly fucking with my head or me for wanting you around despite that..." I didn't reply to that, I didn't know what to say. Perhaps Dimitri knew this because he continued. "Just please keep things drama free for the next 5 days for me okay?" I nodded in response. 

《》《》《》《》《》

The king passed away two nights after my conversation with Dimitri and we had to stay longer than originally planned. The next couple of days dragged slowly by and I couldn't help but feel like it was because Dimitri had been keeping a distance from me and also the lingering stench of death in the air. He restricted our interactions to only at night when he cuddled me and said goodnight. I should have been happy, its what I wanted, no? For him to focus his time on this father... But I got lonely. And coming back home with him seemed amazing since I missed him so much and I couldn't even imagine how much he was hurting after loosing his father and having to organise the funeral and invite his half brother who, in my understanding, Dimitri 'cannot stand'. The worst part was that he wouldn't even let me near him most times... All I wanted to do was make him feel that I was there for him and I just missed him so much...
His Majesty, the king, was cremated two days after his death. Only immediate family was allowed to attend which meant I couldn't go and had to stay in the room. Dimitri, as expected, didn't take his father's death well. All he ever did was drink alcohol and sleep and stare blindly at walls, I seriously began to worry about him. He said sleeping made time go faster and alcohol numbed his pain a little. I felt terrible for him.
Today was five days after the King's funeral; Dimitri said we had to go back. I knew there was a lot he wasn't sharing with me and all I could do was look on as there was nothing I could do to make anything better.
My heart ached once more as I glanced at Dimitri from the passenger seat of his car. His sunken eyes scanned the interior of the vehicle but did not meet mine as he felt his pockets for the keys. When he found them, he stuck them into the ignition, fingers trembling slightly as he did. Bringing his pale hand to comb back the dark strands of hair draped across his forehead, he then sighed and, almost as though he was in a a rush to leave, turned the key and begun to manoeuvre the vehicle out of the premises.
"I'm sorry, Dimitri..." I broke the silence before gathering some courage to hold his hand which rested on his lap. He looked down at our intertwined fingers and then back at the road but remained silent. My eyes lingered on his features a bit longer before I turned towards the window to watch the trees whizz past.
"Its not your fault." He said finally, looking at me for the first time since his father passed. Like really looked at me, with legitimate eye contact.
"I just want to make it better..." I sighed before squeezing his hand.
"Don't we all..." He let out a bitter chuckle.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"No."
"I understand..."

A/n its short and boring sorry, homies... I'm sort of struggling to get the story where I want without stalling or rushing... *sigh*