♥Chapter 56: ᴡʜᴇʀᴇ ʜᴇ ɴᴇᴇᴅꜱ ʜᴇʟᴘ♥

✿Kennedy✿

Seven days later, I'm back at home.

I'm staring at the wall of my room.

Jake's been keeping his distance from me for what reason, I don't know. He's still taking care of me, making sure I'm getting all necessities as my requirement. But he's just not...there.

I feel my own detachment from him, weighing me down. It's like, having cancer and knowing your death is going to come soon makes you feel like there's no use to live anymore, there's no use in loving someone anymore.

I still love Jake though. I love him as much as I did before. But there are other things piling on top of that love making it invisible.

There's no clear path ahead of me.

There's nothing for me in the future.

I feel like an empty body functioning like a robot.

The clock displays the time three in the afternoon.

The door opens and I don't move when Jake comes in.

He gazes at me.

Then closes the door behind him. It's time for my medicines I think.

"We need to talk." He says.

I look at him. A tight expression marks his face. I'm waiting for him to say something else.

"Okay," I say finally.

He looks at me then moves towards the bed, hesitates, then sits down in front of me.

He holds my gaze. He stares at me for far too long.

Emotions crack his face and I'm caught off guard.

"Why are you hiding?" He tries to keep his voice firm. I'm staring at him, mouth parting open. "Why are you hiding from me?"

I'm not sure how to answer. He's gazing at me with expressions that tell nothing and everything at the same time.

"What?" I say.

His fists clench on his thighs. "You're not like you used to be."

Even you. I wanted to say but I choose to only stay silent.

He picks up that I'm not going to say anything and continues. "You feel so far away even though you're right here in front of me. You don't talk to me anymore, you don't smile the way you used to anymore, even if they were the fake ones." He gauges my reaction, but I give nothing.

He's struggling to say something more. I can tell by the way he's biting his lower lip. Finally, he says, "It's like you don't...love me anymore."

My eyes widen. I don't love him anymore? Does he really think that?

"I don't know how to be around you when you're like...this. A completely different person." He says. "You don't enjoy the things you did before, you don't talk much. Do you even still want me?"

"Of course I do!" I tell him.

"Then why?" He questions. "Why do you hide things from me? Why don't you tell me anything anymore?"

Now that he's asking these questions directly, it's hard not to answer.

"I didn't want you to worry about me."

Rage sparks in his eyes. "What the fuck? Not worry about you? How am I not supposed to worry about you?"

"I don't know. Just don't. Like, I get you're worried and scared for me but sometimes it feels like..."

I really don't want to hurt Jake with my words.

"Feels like?" He prods, frowning.

I inhale deeply. "It feels like I'm nothing more than a sick patient to you and a reminder of the pain you're going to go through."

He rears back from me. His mouth parts open.

"What are you talking about?" His voice echoes in disbelief. "I love you, Kennedy. I just don't want—"

"For me to die?" I say. "Yeah. I know. Since I got diagnosed, that's all you ever seem to care about."

"That's not true." He frowns.

I raise my eyebrows, clenching my fists. "Really? All you've been doing for the past weeks is for cancer. All that we talk about is cancer. All you that you see in me is cancer." It hurts and relieves me at the same time to finally get the words shoved into my throat, out in the open.

"It's like you don't see me anymore, Jake." Sadness seeps into my chest, making my eyes water. "All you see is my cancer and me dying. It's like you think my future is about dying. You think I don't have a future that's worth anything."

Hurt flashes across his face. "Kennedy...I don't think like that at all."

"You act like it." I look away from him.

He struggles before speaking, "I just...yeah." He says, clenching his fists. "You're right. I do think about your death. That's all I see."

He's being honest and it hurts me deep in my chest.

"I still feel like I can save you." His voice goes soft.

"Nothing can save me," I say. "The treatments are of no use; the medicines don't work."

He squeezes his eyes shut as if it hurts to keep them open. "I just can't accept that you're gonna fucking leave me when it feels like I just got you."

My heart squeezes with sadness and a tear slips out my eye. "My hair's falling out," I tell him.

His eyes fly open. "What?"

More tears slip out of my eyes. I turn around slightly and part my hair from the middle to show Jake the big spot where my hair isn't there anymore. My hair has always been something I loved so much.

"Oh Kennedy..." He breaths out.

His hands are on my shoulders, turning me back towards him and he takes me in his arms, hugging me. I'm crying.

He runs his hand up and down my arm, trying to comfort me.

"I'm so sorry you couldn't tell me." He kisses the top of my head.

"I hate this." My voice breaks.

"I know." He murmurs, placing another kiss on my head.

I pull back from him when I feel him hurting along with me. I wipe my face and settle back down in my place, taking in a huge breath.

"Kennedy," Jake says. "I'm so sorry, Ken. I'm really so fucking sorry. If I only knew how I was treating you."

I wrap my arms around myself, pursing my lips. 

"Don't worry," I look at him. "I see only my death too."

✯✯✯

The smell of popcorn and butter wafts in the air as Corey hums in the kitchen. Two minutes later, he walks out of the kitchen with a huge bowl of popcorn and cans of drinks.

"So what are we in the mood for?" He plops down beside me, picking up the TV remote.

I shrug, "Anything is fine."

He flicks through the list of movies.

I take a few popcorns from the bowl, putting them in my mouth, chewing them silently.

Jake left long ago without telling me where. He used to tell me all the time when he used to go somewhere.

I'm really glad I told Jake everything this morning because the weight that had been pressing down on me finally lifted. But I didn't wanna hurt Jake.

A sigh comes out of my mouth.

"Is it bad that I feel like Jake and I are growing apart?" I ask Corey.

Corey almost drops the remote.

"What?" He turns to look at me.

I stuff another handful of popcorn in my mouth. "It feels like it."

He stares at me. "Why...?"

I look down at my hands. "I don't think we both are opening up to each other like we're supposed to."

"As in?"

I sigh, "Jake doesn't wanna talk about his mom, I don't wanna talk about my health. Both are important issues, yet we're not sitting down and talking about it."

Corey stares at me for a few more seconds without saying anything. He looks back at the TV, biting his bottom lip.

"I know what you mean." He says quietly.

I turn my head to look at him.

"Not opening up to one another does create distance." He says.

I blink at him. "You're hiding something too?"

He looks down at his huge watch, his hand coming to rest on top of it.

"I'm scared to be reminded of it," He says, "that's why I don't talk about it."

Now I'm completely turned, facing him. "What happened?"

He shrugs. "I don't know." A troubled look comes on his face. "One moment I was sitting alone, just thinking to myself and the next..."

I wait for him to complete his sentence.

He's hesitating, pursing his lips. His fingers twitch.

His lips are still pursed when he brings his fingers around his watch, more specifically to the strap of it. I don't know what to expect when he starts sliding the strap of his watch out of its buckle.

The watch falls from his wrist.

I inhale sharply.

The part of his skin that was covered by his watch lays pale and white like a sheet of paper. Much lighter than the rest of his skin. But what stood out were the even lighter-coloured scars.

"Corey..." I breathe out. My mind is too stunned to form any other words.

I look at the multiple scars on his wrist not being able to form any right train of thoughts. My eyes move up to Corey's face. He's not looking at his wrist. He didn't even glance at it.

"What happened?" I ask him.

He shrugs, slowly, "I guess this is what loneliness does to you sometimes."

"Do Toothy and Jake know?"

He shakes his head.

I look back at the whitish scars, feeling a pang in my heart.

Looking back up at Corey, I feel even sadder.

I guess everyone has a messy part in their life no matter how happy they seem all the time.

Who would've ever thought Corey - the football star, the social butterfly, the silly one amongst all - is a victim of failed suicide?

Without another word, I let my head drop onto Corey's arm.

"I'm so sorry you had to go through this," I say.

I know something else happened to him to drive him to the point of trying to take his own life. For now, I allow myself to know what he's ready to tell me.

Corey slips the watch back on his wrist, going back to hiding his secret from the world.

He rests his head on top of mine. I reach out to take his hand in mine.

"Don't worry." He tells me after a while. "I'll help you and Jake. We've already decided your ship name after all."

✯✯✯

❆Jake❆

It scared the shit out of me.

I see only my death too.

Those words sound so unreal and disturbing coming from Kennedy's mouth.

It almost made me flinch.

"Jake." Toothy let's out a big sigh, giving me the look.

"I know, I know." I run a hand through my hair. "I fucked everything up."

"First of," She throws a pillow at me from her bed. "You don't talk to someone about their death!" I let it hit my face. "You were supposed to calm and reassure her, you idiot!"

"But that would be hiding my feelings from Kennedy," I argue.

"Seriously?" Toothy raises an eyebrow. "You're that selfish that you can't hide your pain for a while to comfort Kennedy? Instead, you dumped it all on her and made her feel like she can't add more to it!" She's yelling at me now. "You didn't even make sure if she was okay talking about her death! All those things you did for her for weeks, you did for yourself because it made you feel like everything's going to be okay. But for Kennedy? It felt like you were denying and ignoring a part of her."

Deep regret fills me with every word Toothy slaps my way. I run another hand through my hair, pursing my lips. "I know, I fucked up. Help me. Please." I plead.

"You and Corey always mess things up and then leave it to me!" She glares.

"You're more helpful than anyone." I point out.

"And smarter too."

"Yeah, yeah. Tell me what to do now. I'm seriously regretting every fucking thing I've done, Toothy. I was so caught up in my own head and about my own feelings that I forgot to make sure if Kennedy was alright."

Toothy sits back down on her bed, huffing out a breath. "Save it." She says. "No point in regretting it now. Just focus on Kennedy now."

I lean back on Toothy's chair.

She stares at me, not saying anything for a moment.

"Jake." Her voice sounds low and filled with something near to sympathy. "You're going to have to accept that she's going to leave you. You're still in denial and it's gonna hurt bad. Just like how it's doing for Amelia."

My jaw clenches with unease at the mention of mom's name.

I don't want myself to feel uneasy or upset if someone mentions Kennedy's name.

Toothy stands from her bed and walks over to me, looking down at me. "You were a child when she died, and you were all alone." She says softly. "I know how difficult it was for you, Jake. You shut yourself off from everyone but that's not the way." She explains. "I'm sorry I wasn't there much—"

"You couldn't have been when you were going through your own stuff, Toothy." I look up at her. "I'm sorry too for not being there when you needed me. I'm sorry for not saving you in time and being ignorant of everything around me."

Tears glisten in her eyes. I stand up and wrap my arms around her.

"Don't think about that fucker right now," I murmur to her. "He's in prison."

"I know." She breaths out. She clings to me for a while, seeking comfort from me. "Please don't shut me off again." She whispers.

"I won't," I promise.

"Corey told me about this dream he had." She pulls away from me. "He had it the day you took me to the police station. He didn't tell me what it was. But it scared him. He felt like you and I were gonna leave him and that we're perfectly fine without him."

I give a nod. "And?"

"I smacked him."

"Oof."

She smiles a little. "He's stupid to think that, isn't he?"

"He's stupid. Period."

"Corey's scared that you're going to shut him off after Kennedy goes. You know how he feels about that, right?"

I nod.

Corey's terrified of feeling lonely again. He doesn't talk about what happened when he was lonely but by his behaviour sometimes, it's apparent that something bad happened. That's why he always sticks to Toothy or me like a fucking bug.

Not that we mind. Toothy finds comfort in Corey's presence.

"I know it isn't fair to you, Jake," Toothy says. "You lost your mom and you're going to lose Kennedy too. But what makes it a difference this time is how you deal with it. You didn't have a chance to treasure your time with your mom, but you have a chance right now with Kennedy. Make everything right before it's too late."

Emotions build up in my chest, nearly overwhelming me. I take in a deep breath to push them all down. Toothy senses my inner breakdown and hugs me.

"The pain you feel right now," she says, "is a price you're going to have to pay for keeping her in your life."

"You mean I shouldn't have?" I ask.

"I'm just saying that all good things, they don't come for free, Jake. If Kennedy is the best thing in your life, then you're going to have to pay an even bigger price for her. But what matters is that it's worth it."

She pulls away and looks at me. "Is Kennedy worth it?"

I stare at her. A storm of emotions that's been disturbing my brain peacefully settles down.

"She's worth everything."

✄ ✄ ✄ ✄

I AM SUPER EXCITED FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER!!

Oh also Corey's secret is out! I didn't dwell on Corey's part much here in this chapter because this isn't his book.

THE NEXT CHAPTER IS WHEN THINGS FINALLY START GETTING BETTER SO I HOPE YOU PEOPLE ARE READY FOR IT!

Words: 2,600

Date of publishing: 17th June 2022