♥Chapter 50: ᴡʜᴇʀᴇ ʜᴇ ᴋɴᴏᴡꜱ ʜᴇ'ꜱ ᴏᴠᴇʀᴅᴏɪɴɢ♥

❆Jake❆

I didn't mean to storm off.

I really didn't mean to.

Fuck.

Kennedy wanting to talk about mom gave me a jolt of fear and panic that made me lose my wits for a second. It was like her questions slapped me to all those years back when I found mom cold and gone on the bathroom floor.

The memories that kept haunting me the whole night until I decided to just lock them up deep inside my head.

Her question cracked the lock I had on those memories, letting it flow all over me, drenching me in sudden fear and grief.

Before I knew it, my legs were moving, trying to get out of there before it broke me.

My third glass of water gushes down my throat in an attempt to calm and collect myself.

Images of mom still flood my head but this time I can see Kennedy along with her.

A sharp pain goes through my chest.

I'm going to lose Ken.

I'm going to lose her just like I lost mom.

My lungs deplete of air, and I had to take gulps of breaths through my mouth to fill my lungs.

Why do these things happen?

Why do any of them had to die and has to die?

With an almost crushing feeling, my brain tries to tell me that it's my fault. My fault for being so careless, my fault for not noticing it before it was too late. I could have done something. Too late to say that for mom, but maybe for Kennedy.

I could have taken her to the doctor for checkups when her asthma got serious sometimes, when she was falling sick easily during the winters, when her weight noticeably dropped down.

I run my hand through my face, touching my closed eyelids with my cold fingers.

Fuck. I need to go back to Kennedy and apologize for storming out like that.

My legs move in the direction of Alex's previous room, opening the door with hesitant hands.

My gaze falls on Kennedy, lying on the bed in the darkness.

Is she asleep?

I move forward and stand beside her, peering down at her. Her eyes remain shut, her breathing steady and gentle, answering my previous question.

Quietly, I move in beside her and lie down.

For the first time, I fall asleep without touching her.

✯✯✯

The next morning I wake, surprise overcomes me when I find the spot next to me empty. Panic immediately overtakes me and I rush out of the bed to look for Kennedy.

She never wakes up early. Like never.

I rush out of the room with my heart in my throat and halt when I find her sitting cross-legged on the carpeted floor with two small soft toys in her hands.

My shoulders relax and I take in a breath of relief.

She's here.

And she's alright.

She had her hair in a braid which I notice she does all the time now for the past few days. She doesn't notice me yet standing in the living room, peering at her.

She holds the soft toys loosely in her hands that are resting on her lap. Her face shows no emotion or feeling, and it gives me a feeling of unease. Her eyes had no glimmer, looking blank.

My heart thrums lightly in my chest as I take another step forward.

She doesn't notice me yet, seeming to be trapped in her own bubble of silent thoughts.

"Hey."

She jerks and lifts her head to look at me.

An immediate smile comes over her face that for the first time I think wasn't real. Or is my head playing tricks on me?

"Hey. How are you?" She asks, softly.

I move and sit in front of her, gazing at her face.

She's smiling at me softly and for a moment I don't think there's something wrong with it.

"You woke up early," I state. The clock displays the time 7:30 in the morning.

She shrugs casually. "The sunlight poked my eyes."

The sunlight doesn't reach Alex's room.

Why is she lying?

"Also I needed to pee." She adds.

I give a slow nod.

"Listen, Ken." My hand moves to scratch the back of my neck. "I'm really sorry for storming off last night. I didn't mean to—"

"It's okay." She stops me with a reassuring smile. "I know it's a tough subject about your mom. I shouldn't have asked you before knowing you were ready or not."

I blink at her, speechless for a minute. "I wanna make it up to you."

She shakes her head. "It's okay, Jake. I understand."

My fingers itch to hold her hand but why am I stopping myself?

Why does she seem so distant yet so near at the same time?

Kennedy never felt distant from me.

"Are you okay?" I ask.

She nods. "As okay as I am with pouring cereal first, then milk. Why?"

I stare at her then shake my head. "Just making sure."

She smiles.

I stare at her for a couple more minutes. Deciding there was nothing more to say, I stand up and turn around to walk into the bathroom to brush and all.

Before walking into the bathroom, I turn my head to look at her once more. Her gaze meets mine and she's still holding up her smile.

I walk into the bathroom and shut the door behind me.

✯✯✯

"Should I get a tattoo on my armpit?" Corey asks. "Like will that be ticklish or painful?"

"I hope you fucking die getting it," I respond, eyes on the TV with my finger flicking on the gaming console.

"Don't joke about it, man. People actually faint while getting a tattoo, you know?" Corey says then curses under his breath when a random shooter appears out of nowhere and attacks him in the video game.

"How do you make that permanent?" I ask. 

"How about you just kill me yourself and drown in peace." He remarks, sarcastically.

"Oh believe me," I say. "I tried."

"So glad to know you failed," Corey remarks. "Take some lessons from Kennedy. She never misses."

"She'd directly get to the 'hide the body' part," I respond.

He smiles. "Where is she by the way?"

I raise an eyebrow at him. "Where do you think?"

"Toothy kidnapped her from you again?" He asks.

"Yes." My voice comes out low and soft. I grow a little glum but try hide to it.

We're both silent for a while.

"I just don't get how Kennedy willingly let Toothy kidnap her from me!" I complain. "I mean yeah, Toothy is her best friend or whatever. But does Toothy love her as I do? No."

"Chill, man," Corey speaks. "Sometimes it's good to give people their space."

I raise an eyebrow at him. "You seriously think Kennedy is one of those people who needs space?"

Corey thinks over it for a moment. "Nah."

"Kennedy likes being surrounded by people. She loves it when I'm around her. You know? She has this big fucking smile and she's jumpy and she's hyper and she's so fucking talkative."

'Not nowadays though' almost slips out my mouth and I find myself frowning at that.

"You must be really bothered if you're ranting to me right now." Corey peers at me for a moment from the TV.

He continues staring at me. "Spit." He says. "What's bothering you?"

"You're not my fucking therapist," I mutter.

He shrugs and we are continuing playing in silence.

"She's not the same," I speak up finally.

Corey glances at me. "Care to elaborate?"

"No," I say.

He looks back at the TV.

We continue playing.

I shoot a few people in the video game. Corey takes a sip from his coke.

"I feel like she's hiding something from me," I speak up again. "I don't know. She seems distant and...faraway. Kennedy has never felt distant before. It's fucking my brain."

"Maybe you did something," Corey states, not taking his eyes off the TV.

I frown. "Like what?"

He shrugs. "I don't know. You tell me."

I think over to all the times I had with her over the past few weeks. I can't think of anything I've done to make her upset. Maybe that night when I stormed off. But I apologized for it and tried making it up to her. She was all cool about it.

She actually didn't seem to care...

Now that I think of it, her excitement for so many things has been decreasing. It's like nothing really delights her like they used to.

"Is it normal that Kennedy is being a little...stoic?" I ask.

He shrugs. "People are stoic for many reasons. It depends for what reason Ken is being stoic."

"Is it because of the cancer?" I ask.

"Maybe."

I furrow my eyebrows. "But we're doing everything to care for her. We never leave her side. I literally do everything I can for her."

"Maybe that's what's it," Corey says. "Maybe we're overdoing it." He glances at me with a look. "More like you're overdoing it."   

A scoff comes out of my mouth. "Overdoing?"

I always feel like whatever I'm doing for Ken isn't enough.

Corey eyes me. "For how many days you didn't let her get down the bed after her first chemo?"

I frown in confusion. "7-8 days?"

"Even though she was feeling fine on the fifth?"

"She needed more rest."

"Okay...these past days, what does she do for fun?"

"She plays with her toys and watches Tv..." My eyebrows furrow deeper when I realize she mostly does things that has her all alone to herself.

"Do you tell Kennedy what to do and when to do it?" Corey asks.

"No..." My voice lowers.

He glances at me from the corner of his eye before gazing at the handmade and laminated timetable I made for Kennedy stuck to the fridge door with a magnet.

"Uh-huh." Corey says.

"I just don't want anything to delay, okay? I mean, what if she forgets to take one of her pills?"

"Jake. Man..." A sigh comes out of Corey's mouth and he takes off his headset and sets it down on his lap, turning to face me. "I know you know Kennedy better than me so I might be wrong here but...I don't think Kennedy wants her life to go according to timetables and precautions every damn time."

My hands pause on the video game, and I turn to face Corey. "What do you mean?"

"Kennedy is like, you know? A free spirit girl. Something like that. She's an outgoing and lively person. And let me tell you, those kinda' people do not like having their lives sorted through timetables. You might have not noticed this but maybe you've...kinda kept Kennedy on a...leash?" Corey winces as he says it as if I'm gonna punch him for it.

"A leash?" My voice echoes in disbelief.

Corey puts his hands up in defence, "I'm just saying. Kennedy having cancer doesn't mean you have to treat her like she has cancer. Some sick people don't like being treated like the sick."

"Then how else am I fucking gonna treat her?" I ask in confusion.

"Just treat her like you've always treated her," Corey says. "Like you know? Normal. She's normal. Treat her like that."

"But what if she gets hurt?" I ask. "What if I start ignoring her cancer just to treat her normally?"

"You don't have to always hold onto the cancer thought." He shrugs. "Just take a chill sometimes."

"Maybe I should ask Kennedy how she feels." I decide.

"Yeah, do that," Corey says and picks up his video consoler.

"Yeah," I say and look up where Toothy and Kennedy are in the room above the ceiling.

Maybe I am overdoing everything for Kennedy.

The sound of a door opening reaches my ears and I stiffen on the couch. Someone's footsteps thud down the stairs and I know those aren't Kennedy's footsteps.

Toothy appears at the bottom of the stairs. Her expression tells me nothing.

"Where's Ken?" I ask her.

She twirls a strand of her brown hair between her fingers. "We were talking and...she's watching videotapes of her parents right now."

I grow a little tense.

"You should go talk to her." She says. "She'll want to talk to you and want you beside her."

I'm not really so sure.

I stand up and move to walk upstairs towards my room where Toothy had come out from.

When I reach the top, the door's slightly open, not allowing me to really peer inside but enough for me to hear noises.

Keyboard noise.

Rapid, heavy keyboard noises.

Like someone's aggressivity slamming their fingers over and over again on a keyboard.

My eyebrows frown in confusion and I place my hand on the wooden door, slowly pushing it open and trying not to announce my arrival.

My eyes fall inside and widen slightly when I see Kennedy sitting on my bed, her fists repeatedly slamming on her laptop's keyboard.

For a moment, I'm frozen on my spot, staring at her throwing her fists on her laptop with a look of frustration and anger on her face.

What's...going on?

My body refuses to move, looking at Kennedy like...this.

She's never actually been violent with anyone or anything.

She finally stops, inhaling huge deep breaths, her chest heaving up and down. She sits back down and stares down at her laptop. For a moment, there's no expression on her face. She just sits there silently, staring at her laptop.

My legs finally had it in them to move and my body unfreezes.

My hand pushes the door open completely, making my appearance known.

Kennedy's eyes snap to me and by her face I can tell that she doesn't know I've been standing out the door, witnessing a different side of her.

She smiles at me and for the first time, her smile makes me want to flinch.

✄ ✄ ✄ ✄

Look at Corey being all serious and understanding in this chapter tho :)

Also, I realized 'Chapter 1 Jake' would never talk to Corey the way 'Chapter 54 Jake' did.

The chapters from here are gonna be to the point and we've about ten chapters left before this book gets over :(

I DON'T WANNA LET GO OF THIS BOOK!

Words: 2,300

Date of publishing: 16th June 2022