Chapter 03: Kiriko Monsters and Baby-Making Love (Without the Baby-Making)
Written by: DreamerofClouds

***

Illumi was pretty badass.

Since he was young, he knew how to intimidate people – from hacking up criminals to making Milluki piss his pants indefinitely. Sometimes, he scares the living heck out of me too, but…

This was definitely the creepiest he has ever been.

After inserting several long, pointy needles in places I was sure they (definitely) didn’t belong, Illumi managed to change his appearance. His beautiful black hair shrank back into his head and formed an off-blue Mohawk. His pale skin darkened to a burnt suntan. And his cute cat-like eyes turned small and beady…

As an assassin, I was proud of him.

But…

As a girlfriend and future wife, this was definitely something I didn’t want to see in the bedroom at night. So not a turn on for me, I thought, watching my fiancé’s rickety man-swagger. As if he were a broken wind-up toy, Illumi slowly made his way over to me.

“So, Arie,” Illumi said, in his ugly-butt disguise. His voice metallic and hollow, he managed to speak without moving his mouth. “Are you ready to go?”

I couldn’t help but stare at the multiple yellow needle-nubs poking out of his head from various angles. They didn’t look comfortable in the very least; yet, this psycho acted as if it were nothing. Admittedly, I was impressed.

“Ready when you are, dork.” I grinned. Swinging my backpack over my shoulder, I stood up and nodded.

He ignored my nickname for him. With random clicking noises, Illumi raised his arm and patted my head again. “Let’s go then.”

* * *

We began making our way up the hill, towards the cedar tree. It wasn’t too long, though, before I got lazy and asked Gittycrack for a piggy back ride.

After my third attempt, Gittycrack effortlessly pulled me off of him and shook his head. “We shouldn’t act like we know each other, Arie. Have some restraint.”

I pouted. “You’re just being cheap ‘cause you don’t want to carry me!”

“Cheap?” Confused, he tilted his head and gave me that same lost-puppy look he always gave me. “I don’t see how money relates to my ability to carry you.”

Crossing my arms, I sighed irritably.

Of course, he wouldn’t understand my figure of speech. Half the words I communicate with sound foreign to him.

Stupid, clueless…

“Dork,” I muttered, turning away.

“Ha?” Illumi

“Nothing,” I sighed, dejectedly. I really hope things won’t always be like this. After knowing the guy your whole life, you would think he’d finally come to understand you. Then again, Illumi has a thicker head compared to most guys, when it comes to emotions.

Thanks to his messed-up psycho mother, I thought grumpily. I just hope Killua won’t end up as clueless as Illumi. Of course, with that being said, no offense to Illumi.

I felt something grab my hand.

“Da phuucckkk – o – kay…” I yelped, then looked down only to realize that it was Illumi who was holding it. Feeling stupid for the fact that I overreacted and made a weird noise, I looked away. “What was that for?”

“You looked upset,” Gittycrack said simply. “I heard that girls who are upset usually feel better when guys hold their hand like this.”

Ah…well, I guess that’s true…

“B-but!” I started, then completely lost all ability to form a coherent thought.

“Am I wrong?” he asked.

When I failed to complete my sentence, Illumi stepped closer and bent down to my height. His face was really close. So much that, if I were to lean in just a bit –

He would’ve poked my eye out.

“Dummy,” I said, flicking one of his needle nubs.

“Ah, Arie,” Gittycrack half-whined, though barely flinching from my assault. “That was rude.”

“Said the person who invades my personal space,” I stuck my tongue out at him, before turning away again. Keeping my head down, I began walking up the hill while dragging Illumi behind me. In the distance, we could see the cedar tree peeking over the edge of the hill. “Anyway, let’s hurry up. We don’t have all day.”

Just as I said that, a bloody scream tore through the air. Although the sound was distant and small, it was a distinct cry of pain that was meant to be noticed. I looked over at Illumi to watch his reaction.

“Ehh?” The 24-year old Zoldyck cocked his head to the side. “That sounds like it came from the cedar tree’s direction, Arie.”

I nodded. “Yeah. So?”

“Should we hurry over?”

“Ugh,” I pouted once more. “That just means more work for us. We’re already on our way there, so why do we have to hurry?”

Ignoring my complaint, he gestured further up the road. “Let’s go. It sounds like they might be hurt.”

“Or they’re just enjoying themselves too much,” I said grumpily.

“What was that?” He asked.

I shook my head. “It’s nothing.”

“Okay.” He said, prior to turning back in the direction of the cedar tree. See, it was at times like these when I enjoyed the fact that Illumi was clueless about the adult world and refused to elaborate more on the topic. It made a lot of my stress levels go down – for, like, a second.

And then, he tugged on my hand again. “Let’s go.”

“Only if you carry me,” I said, winking.

…The stupid turd had let go of my hand and was already half-way up the road, leaving me behind. Under my breath, I muttered a common profanity that rhymed with ‘mass’ before following him, unwillingly.

We reached the cedar tree in no time.

Below the overgrown evergreen, Illumi and I found a small cabin that was completely dark inside. With the door busted open, it was obvious that someone had broken in.

Illumi and I rushed towards the door, both standing on the right side of it. Peeking over the edge, we saw a gigantic yellow bunny that had the face of a wolf and stood on its hind legs. On his long buff arms, a fragile woman was slumped over.

She looks unconscious, I thought.

Beside me, Gittarackur gazed in wonder.

“Oh wow,” he said in an intrigued voice, as if he just saw something mystifying. “That’s impressive.”

I raised an eyebrow. “What?”

“The yellow rabbit,” he pointed towards the twelve-foot tall creature. “They’re known as Kiriko monsters – magical shapeshifting beasts that can take on human form and are capable of human speech.”

He spoke so fondly of the monster, it almost sounded like he wanted the thing as a pet. And sadly enough, I actually think he’d try to catch one if he could.

“They’re really smart,” Illumi muttered. “I wonder what else I can make them do.”

I got a little anime sweat drop. “Is this really a time to be impressed?”

For a second, Gittarackur frowned. “No, I suppose not.”

The almost-sad puppy look Illumi had – even with Gittycrack’s butt face – was so adorable, it made me want to pinch his flab-less cheeks. He could be such a kid sometimes.

Finally giving up, Illumi sighed and shook his head. He looked back over the edge of the doorframe and observed the Kiriko’s movements. “It looks like there’s another person with them there,” he said. “The man on the ground.”

I peeked over the edge too, to confirm his observation.

Just like Illumi said, there was a man in his late 20s, early 30s who was lying face down on the ground. He looked alright, save for the gigantic pool of blood that had collected around him. From a distance, I could tell he was still conscious.

“So, what do you wanna do?” I whispered to Illumi.

He thought for a moment, before responding. “I’ll take the Kiriko monster and get the person it’s carrying. You take the man on the ground, and see if he needs anything.”

You mean anything, besides bandages and anesthesia? I thought, rolling my eyes. I bit back the sarcasm though, when I saw Illumi get his needles ready. At this point, he was all business.

“Get ready, Arie,” He said, raising his specialized needles.

“Okay,” I nodded.

Without so much of another word, Illumi threw three needles towards the Kiriko monster. The furry beast’s ears perked up, it somehow managed to dodge the flying weapon. Baring its fangs, it turned towards us with a crazy grin.

“Oh, that was close,” he/she/it said, almost a little too pleasantly. “If you want her, come get her.”

The Kiriko monster jumped up into the air and flew out a big ass window. Illumi/Gittarackur followed suit, but not before making sure that no one else was there in the room.

Once he left and the coast was clear, I walked over to the man on the ground. He looked like he was in so much pain, bleeding on the floor like that. Bending down on the floor, I nudged him a bit.

“Hey, mister,” I said. “Are you okay?”

“Ngghh,” he groaned miserably.

That would be a no, I thought. Taking out a small first aid kit from my knapsack, I reached out and was about to begin bandaging his arms when I noticed something that I didn’t like.

Something that pissed me off.

So, I did the only rational thing a trained vigilante would do in that situation – I pulled my hand back and smacked the guy upside the head.

The guy winced. “That hurt!”

There was no denying the really upset tone in his voice. Which does nothing but confirm my suspicion…

“What was that for?!” he asked.

“Lying to me,” I replied bluntly.                                                                        

The super-fake lying look couldn’t have been more obvious. “What…what do you mean, lying to you?”

“You’re not actually bleeding,” I responded as a matter-of-factly. “Or, at least, not as much as you’re supposedly showing. If you were, you wouldn’t be conscious. Plus, your skin is warm, not cold and clammy. Your complexion is still somewhat rosy, and your pulse is still going strong. None of the signs, which show mass hemorrhage.”

The man grimaced. “Quite perceptive, huh?”

“Just a bit,” I said as I bandaged his so-called injury. Once I finished, I packed away my medical supplies and stuffed it back into my backpack.

The faker sat up.

“You know,” he began, as he observed my handiwork. “While I appreciate the help you gave me, I’m still upset that you hit me.”

“Will it stop me from passing?” I asked.

“No,” he shook his head responsively. “But it still wasn’t nice.”

“Never said I was,” I stuck my tongue out at him before grinning.

“In any case,” the man continued. “Because you were able asses and treat my condition quickly and efficiently, you pass. Both are skill you need in order to survive the demanding environment of the Hunter exam. By 8:00 a.m. tomorrow, my parents, sister and I will escort you to the exam site.”

I couldn’t help but feel a little proud of myself.

It wasn’t long after my conversation with the man when Illumi came back from his beast hunt. And by the looks of it, he ended up with more than what he started with.

The unconscious lady was now fully awake and walking alongside my dear Gittycrack. Although she had been saved, she didn’t look all too happy with him.

And I could see why.

On Illumi’s back, two gigantic Kiriko monsters were strapped to him like wild hogs. Judging from what the man told me, I’m guessing the Kiriko monsters were the parents. Overall, it was a ridiculous scene.

Not exactly a great way to make a first impression, I thought, mentally face-palming myself. Illumi and I had managed to pass with high-ranking marks, but not with oh-so-great impressions.

***

“PILLOW!!”

I jumped on the bed and fell face-first into the lovely mound of softness. Normally, I’d bounce back off the mattress because of the crappy springs; but, the bed had been so soft, it just absorbed all of my hyper-bounciness and kept me there.

It was very comforting.

Like hugging a fat person. (Me: Think Santa here!! :D)

“Oh my god, this pillow is just amazing!” I gushed, smushing my face against the marshmallow-like ball of good dreams. “I could almost die happy from this.”

Illumi shook his head. “You really like sleeping.”

“Don’t you?” I asked, burying my face even further into the pillow. “I think it’s one of the best things you can do to treat yourself after a stressful day.”

“I suppose,” Illumi said. “Was it really that stressful today?”

The lost tone in his voice caught me.

I almost forgot, I thought to myself stupidly before sitting up and looking at him. The 24-year-old Zoldyck had no sense of stress whatsoever. As the eldest son of the top-rated assassin family, Illumi was never allowed to feel anxiety or stress. It was a waste of his energy and it did no good when it came to accomplishing his assigned goal, whatever that may be.

Now back to his original form, Illumi sat down next to me and patted my head.

“Go get some rest, Arie.” Illumi said quietly. “We’ll need it for tomorrow.”

“Okay,” I nodded.

Just as Illumi was about to leave, I reached up and grabbed his hand. Then, pulling with all my might, I got Illumi to lie down next to me.

Surprised, he blinked his wide, open eyes. “Arie?”

I scooted closer and wrapped my arm around his waist. Nuzzling up to his muscular chest, I kissed it and looked back up at him with a big grin. “Yes, Illumi?”

“I’m not a pillow,” he said in the most dead-pan tone that it was almost comical. It should have been a turn-off; instead, it just made me want to spoil the little turd.

“I know,” I said.

“Then why are you hugging me?” he asked, still perplexed by the situation.

“Because,” I began in my explaining voice. “You help me sleep well at night and you’re my boo. We’ll be sleeping more like this once we get married, so I figured we should try to get used to it now. That way, it’ll be less awkward by then.”

For a moment, I expected Illumi to look at me like I was crazy and get out of the bed; but, surprisingly enough, he kept a straight, monotonous face as he pulled me closer and gently cradled my head. The action was so tender, so sweet, it sent goosebumps running up and down my spine.

“I-Illumi…!” I stammered, as several baby-making love moves worked its way into my dirty mind. “You’re too close!”

I could’ve sworn I saw a shadow of a smile on Illumi’s face. “It was your idea.”

“But! You…argh,” I released a half-embarrassed, half-exaggerated sigh. Turning my back to him so I could hide more of my angry blushiness, I placed my hands on top of his and quietly snuggled closer.

“Dummy…” I muttered.

To be honest, I’ve never shared a bed with anyone in my life. Not with Mom, not with Dad, not with Killua. I always found it a little freaky to have someone take up my comfort zone. Guess that’s why I was blushing so hard. (Me: Wasn’t it your idea to start with? Arie: Didn’t I already tell you shut up? *smacks harder* Me: Ouch TT______TT)

But, overall, it wasn’t too bad.

I didn’t really have an issue sharing with Illumi.

I guess he really is like a fat person I can cuddle with, I thought as I felt myself begin to fall asleep. Before I knew it, we slept like that for the rest of the night, with his arms wrapped around me.