~ ~ Ivy ~~

Grabbing my bag and coat, my stomach twisted and knotted in on itself. 

I was tense—out of sorts. 

And I knew why. Indecision was its own kind of decision, and I'd never been one to side with it. I was an all in, or all out, kinda girl.

Right now though, the question my brain was trying to pick apart was, what would it mean to say yes to everything?

Relationship

Commitment

... Love.

Trix wanted me to open myself up. Be vulnerable in a way that had gotten me bitch-slapped in the past.

Well, just the once.

But once had been enough.

Walking out into the sunlight, I headed toward tube station and made a call to my girl to tell her, this bitch was here to stay! Obviously, she was happy and then grilled me on what I was going to do about Josh and Alex.

Arriving at their place with the knot the size of Texas in my stomach; thanks to Trix lecturing me for only  reaching out to Alex this morning. Clearly pointing out it might make Josh think I had more feelings for Alex than him. 

Third-wheel syndrome, she called it.

That was so far from the truth, it seemed ridiculous to me.

But when she reminded me how Finn had gone through the same with her and Cam.

Well, yeah. It pained me to say, she was right.

And something else I needed to fix.

Fuck. This apology was getting longer by the minute.

Heading up their garden path, I knocked and waited.

The door opened, and a double blink and a little head-shake greeted me. "Ivy?"

I fidgeted, yeah, me fidgeting, if you could believe it. "Hey Josh... so, uh, do you have time to talk or—"

I was so far out of my comfort zone here; it was like having an out-of-body experience!

"Yes," he said before I even fished rambling. Then he blushed—and cleared his throat. "Shit. C'mon. Come in."

I bit my lip to stop my smile. "Thank you." He moved back, and I stepped inside.

"You don't have to thank me." He shut the door and then walked past me. "Can I get you a drink?"

"Yeah. Something cold if you have it."

I followed him through to the kitchen whilst listening for Alex.  "Is Alex not around?"

"No. Out shopping. It's Nessy's birthday next week." Shaking his head. "Not that he'll get to see her if that cunt has anything to do with it."

A certain amount of pride warmed my chest that I could change that.  And if that was the only good thing to come of all this, it was still worth it.

Josh's face reddened and not from blushing as he yanked open the door to the refrigerator; sticking his head inside.

"Might be stuck with either milk or beer," he said.

I reached the kitchen counter and braced myself against it, admiring his ass. Usually joggers did little for anyone's ass, but damn, Josh filled them out perfectly and under normal circumstances, I would be all over that.

But fun would have to wait. I was getting way ahead of myself. Apologies, and opening up, talking about my feelings, had to come first.

"Ah... got some bottled water, that okay with you?"

"Water's good."

He started moving stuff around and from inside the fridge he asked. "So, when do you fly home?"

I'd not even mentioned I didn't have to leave.

"What would you feel if I told you I'm not... leaving?"

Slowly, he backed out of the fridge, straightening. He turned to face me with a bottle of water in one hand. And the way his chest heaved, he was either breathing in all the air around him or he wasn't getting enough of it.

"Josh?"

He gulped. "You're staying?"

I nodded.

"Does that mean?" He gulped again and his eyes went wide. It made little sense how a man so big could look that strong and yet vulnerable at the same time. "That there's an us?"

"That's up to you and Alex." 

He stood staring, and it was best to give him a moment to digest it. But then he was moving fast, placing the water on the table, and my head had to tilt up as he got closer.

His large hands cupped my face.

His lips when they met mine were warm and slightly bitter from the taste of coffee? 

But fuck, how I'd missed this as he held still for me to plunder his mouth, like its been years since our last kiss, rather than only days ago. My fingers dug into his biceps, letting me pin him in place while I hunted over his throat and jaw for places to nip and kiss.

"Jesus. I thought you were here to say goodbye."

And the knot in my stomach exploded into crazy butterflies.

"No. Not goodbye." His erection nudged my hip.

Fuck. I forced myself to stop as I pressed my hand to his chest and pushed him back, but only a little.

"Wait, Josh." I gasped for breath. "I need to say something first."  Another breath. "I'm so sorry for walking out. And being a bitch and ignoring your calls and messages." There's no excuse. "It was fucked-up and selfish of me."

He nodded. "It's okay."

"No." My eyebrows nudged together. "It's not. It was a shitty thing to do. Don't accept my bullshit, Josh. Ever. You deserve better than how I treated you."

"Okay. Fine. If you must know." He sucked in sharply. "It really pissed me off you—" He stopped and looked like he was trying to keep a straight face, then started grinning. "Sorry." He shrugged. "I can't be pissed at you when you're here... and staying. I'm too fucking happy!"

I reached up and took his hands in mine and kept hold of them. "You need to get used to calling me out on my bullshit, because I'm not good with this—relationships, and I'm most likely gonna fuck up many times."

"No one is perfect, Ivy. We all fuck up."

"But I want you to know. I'm in." I slow nodded. Time to be open. "And I'm scared, and I hate being vulnerable like this, but I'm in." I sighed. "Well, that's if you and Alex want me."

His mouth landed on mine again and attempting to apologise when he kept kissing me was distracting. Not that you'd hear me complaining. In truth, I'm so fucking grateful that Josh was so easy-going and forgiving.

Something else that made it hard not to love him.

Would Alex be as forgiving? I'd picked up abandonment issues, so yeah, me walking out might have fucked with his head.

Josh eased back, smiling. "Shit. Your drink!'" He went and grabbed it from the table and unscrewed the lid. "Glass?"

"Nah. Bottle is fine." I took I from him and was halfway through it when his phone chimed and he reached into his pocket.

"Alex is done." His eyes lifted to mine. "But he's gonna see his mum."

"His mom?"

"The grave," he clarified.

Trix told me she used to do the same thing with her mom. My dad's ashes were with my mom, so I didn't have to go anywhere to visit him.

Josh hitched a shoulder. "He likes to talk to her when he feels things are getting on top of him."

Oh. Ooh. Shit. That was my fault.

Josh started tapping out a message. "You're not telling him I'm here?" I asked, and his fingers froze and his head lifted.

"What? You don't want me to?"

"I'm not sure he'll be happy to hear it." Sighing out. "I sent him a message earlier, but he didn't respond."

Josh chuckled.

"And that's funny... because?"

"Yea, he told me."

Okay. Was this an inside joke? "You know why he didn't answer?" 

Yeah, I will admit, it pissed me off. Not that I had any grounds to bitch. I'd been brutal with them. 

"You wanted to talk, right?"

I nodded.

"He thought by ignoring you it would piss you off so much that you would drag your arse over here and talk to us." 

I smiled, shaking my head. Fair play to him.

"Can I tell him?"

"No." Somewhere neutral might be better to the have this conversation. "Is it far from here?  Her grave?"

"Nope." Shaking his head. "Twenty-five minutes walk. Tops."

I glanced down at my boots. Yeah, walking in these would be fine. I hoped. But a little pain never hurt anyone. "Can you give me directions?"

His smile widened. "Give me your phone."

I handed it over, and he pinned it on maps.

After chatting for a few more minutes. Okay, talking was exaggerating. We made out like horny teenagers. But still, good use of our mouths... tongues.

And fingers crossed, we'd pick it up when... if, I came back with Alex.

Following the directions and walking through a high street, I spotted a florist shop.

Perhaps take his mom some flowers?

I mean, that's what you did, right?

Trix used to take flowers to her parents' grave, and even living in Canada, she's paid a florist to deliver them weekly on her behalf.

Walking round the flower shop, I wasn't sure what to pick, but when I picked up some tulips—my mojo screamed these were the ones.

And they were pretty.

It didn't take me long to spot the church and Josh had given roundabout instructions where to find her grave. Yeah, I should have listened better because this place was huge.

Casting my eyes left, right. Walking randomly in any direction and after ten minutes. Nothing.

I turned full circle, squinting.

And then I spotted a head of blond hair. Was he sitting on the grass? He had his head bowed, his hair messy, sliding forward to shield his expression.

But it was Alex.  I was sure of it.

Armed with flowers, and my heart half-way up my throat. I weaved in and out of rows of gravestones.

Getting closer, I heard him talking and now it didn't seem like a good idea just turning up. I was intruding on a private moment.

Pulling up short, words seemed lost to me as I stood there.

But as if he knew he was being watched, he glanced up unexpectedly and our gazes collided.  "Ivy" His eyes flared before he scrambled to his feet, wiping his hands on his jeans. And then he was looking at me like I was some kind of hallucination.

I lifted a hand, wincing. "Sorry. I don't want to intrude." I glanced around and spotted a bench. "Carry on talking to your mom and I can wait over there."

"No." He took one step to the left as if he expected me to do a runner. "No," he said again and then he made his way toward me. "How did y-you find me?" He slapped his forehead. "Duh. Josh," He nodded, answering his own question.

"Yeah, it seemed like a good idea at the time to hunt you down." A nervous giggle wormed it way free. "Stupid really." I remembered the flowers. "I got your mom these?" Holding them out.

He stared at my hand, and I felt ridiculous. "I just thought, but you don't—" I nodded like a fucking moron.

I babbled something else, but he'd already grabbed my hand and was tugging me toward his mom's headstone.

Standing in front of a shiny black marble headstone, I read the inscription.

Jennifer, loving mum to Alexander and Vanessa...

Always loved and forever missed.

My heart stuttered, aching for his loss.

"Mum," he looked at me. "This is Ivy. My—" he stopped short.

"Girlfriend." I finished for him and hoped that was true and, weirdly, the more times I said it out loud, it didn't feel weird to say.

"Yeah?" A smile tugged at the corners of his mouth. "I can call you my girlfriend?"

I dropped my eyes back to the grave. "I got you these. Hope you like them." Crouching down, placing then next to another bunch, obviously Alex's.

Weirdly, we had picked the same flowers.

"Tulips were her favourite," he said as I rose to stand next to him. "Thank y-y-you. She would have loved you."

I wasn't so sure about that.

"You want to finish your visit?" Hitching a thumb over my shoulder to the bench. "And then come get me and if you're ready we can talk?"

"We're good to talk here."

Okay. Guess we were doing it now. Blowing out a breath, my eyes wandered past the graveyard onto high-rises in the distance. "I'm sorry for walking out on you. Not listening. I thought it was for the best."

"Do y-y-you still think that... its for the best?"

I shook my head, but still didn't make eye contact. "I'm not very good with emotions, Alex. No, that's not right. My emotions and feelings confuse the hell outta me. They're complicated." I dared a brief glance. "And you and Josh make me feel so many of them and they scare the shit out of me."

He stayed quiet, so I carried on. "And I didn't want to want this." I laughed, but it was that kind of emotional laughing when someone got so strung out with fear and hope that all their feelings tumbled out in a tidal wave of cathartic release.

However, the more I talked, the easier it got and the fear I felt about being vulnerable simply wasn't there.

"You were right when you said I was scared, wanted out. Because in the past, when I felt like I might have stronger feelings than just fooling around, I leave."

I turned to look at him head on. "I wanted to be fine with just sex."  His shoulders fell with a deep breath, so I quickly carried on. "But now, I want all of it. I want this messy, weird-ass triad. I want you both. The three of us together, and I don't know how it's going to work, but I want it to work."

Mixed emotions crossed his face.

"I'm done running, Alex."

This hands down, was the most honest I'd ever been with anyone.

"But y-y-your leaving—going home."

"I'm not leaving."

"Y-y-you're staying?"

The knot unravelled, and I smiled, lifting a shoulder. "Not going anywhere."

He dragged both hands through his messy hair. "Yeah. For real?"

Clearly, he had doubts. Couldn't blame him.

Biting my lip, I nodded. "Yeah. Not running" I pointed at my boots. "Especially in these babies."

"Fuck." His exhale was huge and noisy, dropping his hands from his hair. His gaze was all over me like a warm touch and every emotion in those blue eyes of his touched me too.

And same as Josh, he ate up the space between and cupped my face and placed the lightest kiss on my lips.

Totally opposite of his usual kisses.

Like he's testing the waters. But right behind it, I felt the beginning of an explosion of need.  But he quit before that happened, resting our foreheads together, his palms still holding my face as he breathed me in.

His grip flexed on my face, as if everything inside him wanted to get out at once. "Does it mean... that I can tell you now?"

"Tell me what?"

"How much I love you."

This time when I heard him say it. I felt it everywhere.

"Still not running."

"And what about this?"  He dropped his hands, and one vanished into his pocket, pulling something out. Opening his palm, I grinned at what sat there.

The key to his house.

"You've been carrying it around with you?"

Shrugging, he didn't hand it over. Just left it sitting there.

He wanted me to take it from him. "Yeah, I'm taking back what's mine!" And I plucked it from his hand.

"You're coming back to ours, yeah?" he asked.

"Ready when you are."

He rested his hand on top of his mom's headstone. "See you soon, mum."

And this time, I was the one to hold out my hand first and Alex didn't blink as he threaded our fingers together.

I was getting good with all this girlfriend malarkey, but I always was a quick learner. And looking up, to see him smiling. Yeah, it's worth it.

Walking back, I told him everything. About Harry and what went down with Nick and when I'd finished just as we were passing the florists, he stopped and he's looking at me like I just solved world peace.

"And I can see my sister anytime?"

"Yep. Anytime. We've got him by the balls. He won't be giving you any more shit." My smile was actually hurting because it was eating up my entire face.

"Fuck. I can't believe you did that—for me."

We started walking again, only slower this time. And then he rested some of his weight toward me to steer me toward a shadowed alcove between shops.

When we were out of the flow of traffic, he flipped me around and pressed me against the cool brick wall.

"Alex?" I questioned, and his playful smirk nearly did me in. "Please tell me, this is your way of thanking me. And..." My eyes wandered back toward the street. We were far enough away from the busy main road. "—It's a prequel to dirty, hot make up-sex when we get home?"

He said nothing but ran his finger along my throat, resting it on my pulse point.

"Alex?"

"Hmhmm..."

I hooked a finger in the waistband of his jeans and tugged him closer.

Oh, hello.

I could feel his erection and slipped my other hand down to trace the outline as I remembered telling him one of my fantasies of being pushed up against a wall and fucked.

He shifted his hand to grip my wrist, dragging it away from his cock, and then grabbed the other and pinned them above my head.

The breathy sigh leaving my throat was like gasoline on the flames licking through my veins.

He crushed his mouth to mine, devouring my groans as I ground my hips against his hardness.

"Remember the first time at the club, when we talked about what I liked?"

"Hmm, just thinking the same."

"Shit," he whispered, his eye hungry. "It's so fucking tempting to say fuck it and fuck you right here."

His free hand slipped down and under my shirt, using his body to block us from any casual passers by and cupped my breast and squeezed, dragging his thumb over my bra and the nipple underneath.

"Please, Alex. Don't. Not here." My voice hitched, and it was so easy to slip into character as I dragged my bottom lip through my teeth with my eyes screaming, yes fucking please. Right here. Right now. "Anyone might see."

He smirked and caught my earlobe between his teeth. "Oh, let's not pretend you're not desperate for it. If I slipped my hand inside these tight black pants, I know I'll find your cunt, wet." He took my mouth again, less grateful and more selfish as I pressed my hips harder against him. "You'll do anything for it."

He's not wrong.

"Now pick." He sucked on my earlobe. "Finger or cock?" His voice was rough—like sandpaper, exciting my nerves in the harshest of ways.

The ways I needed.

His hand slipped from under my top and coasted over my stomach and slipped into my leggings, teasing across the lacy fabric which clung to my skin, already slick with arousal.

Alex lowered his head to my neck and bit the tender flesh where it met my shoulder.

Slipping under the lace, his finger skated along my slit. "Fucking soaked."

Voices drifted in and out as people carried on with business a few feet away.

My breaths became a little heavier as he chuckled against my skin, dragging his mouth to a new spot on my shoulder.

"Choose or I will, Ivy."

I loved this. The game. The risk.

And when his finger brushed over my clit, I moaned and pushed my hips up, seeking a firmer touch.

He pressed a little harder and then he pinched me, making me hyper aware.

"Young man!" I heard a shrill voice, and Alex's hand froze. "What are you doing there!?" She wielded her walking-aid like a weapon, pointing it right at us.

I bit back my giggle, but yeah us stood here with my hands pinned above my head, might look a little shady.

Alex freed my hands and pulled out his from my pants, and our eyes met. He grumbled. "Let's finish this at home, yeah?"

He jammed his finger into his mouth; sucking it clean and then grabbed my hand as we walked toward the elderly lady. She lowered her weapon, but not fully, readying to strike out at any second.

She reminded me of my grams—feisty.

"Everything okay, dear?" Something like suspicion darkened her eyes before they narrowed on Alex.

"I'm fine, but thanks for asking and checking." 

I smiled, and she looked a little conflicted. But then she smiled back and gave one sharp nod of her head. "You can never be too sure these days."

"He's my boyfriend and totally harmless."  Alex squeezed my hand.

I waited till we're out of earshot. "She could have done some damage with that stick."

"Nah. I could have handled her."

And we both started laughing as every kind of happiness hormone flooded my body.