~ ~ Ivy ~ ~

My guts churned and protested. The food I'd just eaten sat there like a heavy bag of rocks.

My mum was already half-way down the garden path as I shut the front door behind me. I was mortified leaving Alex and Josh sitting there, mouths hanging open as my shame whipped up more emotions than a Mr Whippy ice-cream.

I was livid and upset—but more with myself than my mom.

Because I knew my mom and this shouldn't have been a surprise.

It had been like watching a car-crash in slow motion. You knew it was coming. You could see it right in front of you, but you did nothing to stop it.

I wouldn't blame them if they told me to fuck off when I went back inside.

Following my mom up the path, I flicked my eyes upward asking the man upstairs; You gonna help me out here?

I couldn't remember the last time he and I had talked this much—but apparently he wasn't listening anyway, as my earlier request got ignored.

My mom was digging inside her bag, mumbling to herself as I parked next to her, hoping the Uber wouldn't take long.

I was, however, shocked she wasn't raining hell on me about calling her out back there.

"Here it is." Pulling out her trusty hand-sanitiser, squeezing a generous amount into her left palm and then offered it out to me.

Shaking my head. "No. I'm good. Thanks."

Dropping the bottle into her bag, she rubbed her hands together vigorously. "You can't be serious, Ivy."

I guess we hadn't done talking about it.

"This isn't you!" she insisted.

And she also hadn't listened to a word I'd said in there. Shocker!

"Mom," I drew out the word, letting the sigh behind it speak for itself.

This was hard explaining to someone who had fixed beliefs on the right way and wrong way a person should live their life.

"It is me, Mom" I reached for her hand, which was still a little sticky from the cool gel. "We should have had this conversation a long time ago, but I'm still me. Just Ivy." And just in case she needed a reminder. "The same daughter you and dad raised."

She pulled her hand free from mine and brought both of hers up to cup my cheeks. "Is this what you really want, Ivy? To live this way with two men?" Her reproachful glare pinned me in place.

I loved my mom but I'd hidden who I was for far too long and now Alex and Josh had borne the brunt of my cowardice.

"Yeah. I do."

Those brown eyes we shared studied me. They were awash with disappointment. "You say this now, but you're forever changing your mind. I don't understand you sometimes." she clucked her tongue. "What should I expect next? You running off to join some commune and telling me you now eat nothing but fruit?"

Yeah, I had a history of being fickle, and no doubt I would do more crazy shit in my lifetime. But this felt right with Alex and Josh. Something inside me had clicked into place. A missing piece.

And as corny as that sounded, it was true all the same.

No doubt, Trix would throw a party when I told her.

"Mom. I can't predict what's gonna happen five minutes from now, but I can live for whatever moments are right in front of me. And this is what I want." I placed my hands over hers and brought them down, but kept hold of hers. "I don't want to upset you, but I'm going to be completely honest with you. Whether or not you think this is wrong. I'm gonna follow my heart, like you taught me to do."

I pushed out a smile and her eyes stayed on mine before she finally answered. "I can't say I'm happy." Shaking her head. "And it's going to take a while for me..." she stopped and cast her eyes up, no doubt asking the big guy for extra strength or patience to deal with me.

"I get it, Mom, and I never expected you to be okay with this right away. I know it will take time."

Her eyes came down. "I realise I can't tell you how to live your life, Ivy," she sighed out. "But your happiness is important to me."

I could work with that. "Please. Just give them a chance... trust me, they'll grow on you. I promise."

Her lips flattened into a straight line.

Okay, maybe that was too soon?

"I just don't want you getting hurt. Two men, double the heartbreak."

"You don't know that I will get hurt."

"You're right, but I just can't see how it could ever work. Two people, one man and one woman, is hard enough. The only third in any relationship should be..." Her eyes went up to the heavens again.

Ah. God. Yeah. I should have seen that coming and I had to refrain from rolling my eyes.

Another shrug came naturally. "Do you need to, Mom?"

She never answered, but there was one thing I needed to make perfectly clear. "Josh and Alex are going to be in my life, whether that be us in a relationship or as friends." It was my turn to pin her with a stern glare. "So you need to treat them nicer. Respectively. Okay?"

She raised her brows at my tone but this was me being diplomatic, because giving my mom an ultimatum would only cause a rift between us, and I didn't want that because I'd already lost my dad.

But if anyone else had spoken or treated them like that, I would have gone John Wick on their ass and slaughtered them in my head in all kinds of ways because that thing about sticks and stones? It was utter bullshit. Words cut, leaving open sores behind.

My mom heaved a sigh. "I know you won't believe me, but I don't dislike them, either of them."

And a slow smile spread across my face, maybe prematurely, but there was no stopping it. She pulled me in for a hug and then the Uber pulled alongside us. The window went down and out popped a head. "Simcox?" the driver asked, looking between us.

"Yeah," I acknowledged and eased back. "I'll call you tomorrow. Okay?" Pressing a quick kiss to her cheek, I moved past her and opened the rear-passenger door for her.

"Are you not coming?" she asked.

"No." I had some grovelling and apologies to do.

She said nothing more and slipped inside the car and I shut the door behind her.

Waving her off. I flipped around and let my eyes wander over Alex's house, debating if they would be happy that I hadn't left?

Would they be pissed off? Upset?

Duh. Yeah.

Of course, and they had every right to be. My mom had been brutal. I honestly thought Josh was about to lose his shit.

Not that I could blame him. He would always look out for Alex.

My hands danced by my sides as goosebumps spilled across my arms.

Well, I couldn't stand out here all night. Time to face the music.

Walking slowly up their garden path, I saw the neighbours' blinds twitch. Nosey cow. I waved and smiled before reaching inside my pocket and pulling out the key to let myself in.

Stepping inside, I felt like I was thirteen again with a boulder of anxiety in my stomach. Shutting the door, I kept the key in my hand, just in case they asked for it back.

I'd only had the thing for five minutes, and I was already attached to the small piece of metal. It meant more to me than any piece of jewellery could. It was a symbol of trust and they were sharing their home with me in some small way.

Hearing their voices, I followed them through to the kitchen. They were both sitting with beers.

"Hey," I raised a hand. Both heads shot in my direction and they looked surprised to see me. "Safe to come in?"

"Fuck, y-y-yeah. I—" Alex and Josh shared a look and then both flashed identical smiles, showing two rows of white teeth. "We thought y-you'd left with y-y-your mum!"

Weirdly they were both still looking at me like they'd always done—like I hung the moon.

"Sit. Do you want anything—drink?" asked Josh.

Pulling out a chair. "Don't suppose you've got another of those?" I pointed to his beer.

"Got shit-tons of these." Josh was up out of his seat, heading over to the fridge and grabbing me a beer, popping the cap and fetching it back to the table and sitting it in front of me.

"Cheers," I said, lifting it to my mouth and swigging down half the bottle. "I needed that." They were both still staring at me as I placed the key on the table and scooted it toward Alex. "You might want this back after tonight?"

Alex's thick eyebrows slanted inward. "N-no. Why would y-y-you think that?"

"You met my mom, right? She was the one acting a little crazy?" Perhaps crazy wasn't the best word to say out loud. Not that I thought Alex was crazy in the slightest. I carried on. "I don't even think an apology could make up for all the things she said."

"You ain't met my family yet," said Josh, who was surprisingly calm.

"Yeah, and I think I have the patent on crazy here," said Alex smiling, but it didn't reach his eyes.

There was something worrying him as an uncomfortable silence expanded between the three of us.

My eyes dropped to the table, breaking the quiet. "I am really sorry for what she said, and I don't want you to think I was talking about you." I lifted my head, my eyes bounced between them. "Either of you, well I was, but not in the way she made it sound."

"It's okay Ivy. You don't need to explain or be sorry. She's your mum. She loves you."

Josh hitched a shoulder. "And you did warn us."

I leaned back in the chair with an exaggerated sigh. "Yeah, I know she does, but she also needs to see I'm a grown ass woman who can make her own choices."

Josh cringed. "Yeah, I think she might hate us."

I stretched out my arm and placed the bottle down on the table. "Nah. Just outside now, she admitted she liked you both."

Josh's jaw dropped. "Seriously?" he asked. "That's your mum liking us?"

I nodded and grinned. "She didn't warm up to my eldest brother's wife until their first wedding anniversary, and now she knits her a cheesy jumper every Christmas." My eyebrows climbed up. "So I'd be careful what you wish for!"

"So, does this mean y-y-you still want to see us? A relationship?" asked Alex.

They had identical worried expressions. That and I was insistent that any sort of relationship other than casual had been off the table. "Yeah. I'm keeping the key!" I grinned, picking it up and slipping back into my jeans pocket. "Don't you think a key, though, is like poor man's jewellery?"

They both looked at each and then back at me, not sure what to say. "Chill. I'm not looking for a ring, boys."

We all laughed, then Alex's face turned serious. "Do y-y-you have questions?" he glanced away, clearly struggling for words. "About my mum?"

I shifted my chair closer, reached across the table and stroked over his knuckles. "I have nothing to ask, but if you want to talk to me about anything, I'm here to listen. No judgement. But only when you're ready. Okay?"

He shared another look with Josh and then flipped over his hand to hold mine, threading our fingers, but avoiding meeting my gaze. "I'm worried I'm like her and what that means. The peace I need in order to maintain the madhouse up here." He tapped his temple.

I kept quiet, not really understanding what he was trying to tell me, but thankfully he carried on talking.

"I've had a voice in my head for the longest time." He paused, lifting his eyes to mine. Josh reached over and squeezed his shoulder. "And s-s-sometimes it fucking terrifies me."

"What? The voice terrifies you?"

He cocked his head, thinking about it. "No. Not the voice. That I wake up one day and I have to take medication for the rest of my life." He took a deep breath. "That I might end up in a dark place where I see no way out and I hurt those I love the most."

He was talking about his mum ending her own life.

I kept my expression neutral. I knew nothing about voices or mental illness, so I didn't know what the right thing was to say, but he obviously wanted to talk.

"Tell me more about the voice in your head."

He nodded slowly. "It doesn't tell me to do anything bad, I mean. It just tells me to man up or I guess be more myself and it castigates me and calls me out on things. That kind of thing."

That sounded like my conscience. She was a bitch sometimes.

"What so more like your conscience, maybe? Not an actual voice—a different voice to your own?"

"Maybe. I've never really thought about it, I guess. G-g-generally I just try to ignore it."

"Has it talked to you tonight?"

He nodded. "Not as much actually, but just the usual, telling me I'm a loser. Stand up for myself."

To me, it sounded more and more like the one inside my head. Most likely everyone's heads. "So this voice or conscience thinks you hide yourself—wants you to be more yourself, yeah?"

"I guess so."

"Alex, I obviously don't have a clue about any of this, but I think if you asked anyone, they would say they have their own inner voice, conscious, telling them things, too. I know I do."

I looked over at Josh, who was nodding and tossed in. "Yeah. Me too."

Carrying on. "I know you probably think there is strength in silence because you're worried about ill-conceived judgements, but speaking to a professional might help." My eyes flickered to Josh's "And me and Josh will be here for you in any way you need us." I looked back at Alex. "But only if you want that. No pressure."

He shrugged. "Maybe y-y-you're right, but I've been chicken shit to see someone just in case they..."

I knew what he was going to say. He didn't want the diagnosis they handed down to his mum.

"Alex. I didn't know your mum, but do you see any similarities in behaviours—moods?"

He shook his head. "No."

"Because you told me Vanessa was like your mother, right?"

He nodded.

"So perhaps you're looking for something that isn't there?" I smiled. "I don't think you're crazy or mentally ill, Alex. I think you're just like the rest of us looking for acceptance in a world that tries to stick up in boxes and label us to make themselves feel better."

He was back to staring at me, all starry-eyed. "Fucking hell. Sexy, beautiful and super smart. C'mere." He tugged me out of my chair, pushed out his a little and I willingly sat on this lap.

I slid my arm around the back of his neck and pressed our foreheads together. "I don't think you have anything to worry about. You're not crazy."

"No," he whispered, brushing his nose against mine. "Maybe not in the medical sense, but I am crazy about you Ivy." He moved his head and looked at Josh. "About both of you."

"Well, that makes two of us."

"Ditto. Three of us," said Josh and I moved a hand over to him and he grabbed hold of it.

And then I asked another first for me. "Do you mind if I stay here tonight?"

Alex pulled his head back. "Yeah, you want to stay the whole night?"

My smirk felt so welcome when it reappeared on my face. "Yeah. But no dicks. I just want to sleep. Here with you both, if that's okay?"

"All three of us in the same bed?" Josh asked.

I nodded. "If that's an option?"

"Holy-shit, yeah," said Josh. "Did you think we would say no?"

"This is new to me." It was a little hard to relate what I was feeling. "I've never been in someone else's space when sex isn't involved."

Alex laughed, and his laugh was divine. "Better get used to it."

Josh's smile mirrored Alex's.

And the idea of being closer to these two didn't freak me out in the slightest.

Why these two?

I'd searched my brain for that answer, because it went beyond attraction and mutual kinks.

We had another beer and then Alex grabbed my hand, leading me from the kitchen with Josh following, switching off the lights and checking the locks. There was no discussion on whose bed, but it was Alex's room I found myself in.

Josh went off to his room and Alex disappeared into the bathroom. Undressing, leaving my clothes where they fell, I was naked by the time Alex returned as I flicked through his bookshelf. He came up behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist, and I leaned into him like it was the most natural thing in the world.

He was also naked, and I smiled. "Remember what I said, hmm?"

He pressed his nose into my hair, his erection clearly having not got the memo. "No dick." he repeated and inhaled, humming. "Fine by me," adding. "I left out a new toothbrush and if you want a shower. Fresh towels are in the cupboard."

I turned in his arms and given his height was a good amount higher than my own I rose to my tiptoes and ghosted a kiss across his lips. "Appreciate it." And left him there with his eyes burning into my ass.

I had a quick shower and when I returned, both of them were already in bed and I had to laugh at them both sporting obvious erections. Two sets of eyes followed me to the foot of the bed where I pulled my bottom lips between my teeth and teasingly crawled up the middle and between them both, turned around and slipped under the sheets.

They both sighed out groans before we all settled in. A tangle of limbs and now on my side. I had my fingers against Alex's shoulder as Josh pressed up behind me, his hand settling on my hip.

I suddenly fretted that sleep might be impossible, but as Alex hit the light, both their breaths steadied out before mine and as the mattress shifted under all three of us and Josh rolled into me, his arm shifted across the full breadth of me and landed right on Alex.

Alex didn't pull away, and I snuggled between them and I realised for the first time I was sated and it wasn't sex that had done it. Although I loved having sex with these two. However, it didn't compare to the feelings that consumed me. 

I felt lighter, more at peace, and I had to think that was because I'd finally accepted what I felt for Josh and Alex and that night was one of the best sleeps I recalled having. Ever.