(a/n: im back hoes- and when i said i get excited and upload a lot before my favorite parts, i meant this)

*tw: homophobia, f-slur, brief vague mental health discussion*

Roman loved fancy clothing.

Fashion was his escape.

But his tux felt like a cage. He looked into the full length mirror and couldn't even recognize himself despite being able to in full on costumes and makeup for theatre.

His best man was a college friend, Luke, who patted him on the back. "You excited?"

Roman smiled at his reflection with no happiness behind it. "Yep! I am."

"Awesome!"

Finally, Roman pinned on the small flowers. If not for the champagne beforehand, he would be all jittery. He wasn't tipsy, but it helped.

~~~

Rewind.

Logan's head rested on Virgil's shoulder. They were sitting in the library together and no amount of coffee could keep Logan awake. He hadn't gotten a good amount of sleep so he passed out on his friend. Virgil, on the other hand, was used to falling asleep at ungodly hours.

Virgil carefully took off Logan's glasses and slid them next to his bag on the small table right in front of them, then guided him to rest his head in his lap instead so he wouldn't wake up to a neck cramp.

He put in his AirPods and watched YouTube until Logan woke up again. His nap was fairly short unlike Virgil's which typically lasted up to four hours.

So it was 5:30 PM. An hour before the Roman-Abigail wedding.

Logan was strangely affectionate towards Virgil that day. Nothing overboard, because neither were really the type, but a little more than usual.

"How're you feeling now? Do you still wanna go?" Virgil asked.

"I think so. Thank you for today. I'm glad, even if it was just a couple hours, that I could just think about myself. Or just nothing at all. I wish my mind could be empty all the time."

"Yeah, well you know what they say. Those who think less are happier with themselves, or some shit. Now let's get you changed." He rushed to his car to grab the formal outfit and led Logan to the bathroom when he returned.

It was a typical formal outfit but had subtle silver floral patterns on the cuffs. Virgil had outfits that went more overboard with the theme, but he knew Logan could care less about looking nice in front of his asshole of a sister. If he showed up looking like shot compared to the rest, it would anger Abigail, and neither Logan nor Virgil would mind. They would probably both appreciate it, to be honest.

"Look in the mirror," Virgil said.

"I already did. I saw the outfit, it's nice."

"No, I want you to look again."

"Okay?" He did as Virgil instructed.

"Reassure yourself that today just goes to show how you're moving on with your life."

"I'm going to talk to myself?"

"Yup. I'm not coherent enough to give you a decent pep talk."

Logan squinted at his reflection. He hadn't done his hair, not that it mattered too much, but there was a sort of slight ruffled edge to it that he had always fixed in the morning because it always bothered him despite how minuscule of a problem it was. Not that day, though. He took a deep breath.

"He's going to get married and from now on the only thing you can do for him is to be there as a friend and help him if Abigail tries to hurt him. He's going to be stuck in an unhappy marriage and you can't do anything about it anymore. You tried your best and nothing is working. But... It's not your fault. Don't apologize for things that aren't your fault. He's gone, after all these years, it's really over. But you'll get over him someday, just keep... keep holding on."

Virgil draped himself over his best friend. "You'll find the right guy, even if it's not Roman. You're fucking hot, Logan." He laughed a little. "Now, let's go to a shitty wedding ceremony. You sure you're ready? We can stay here for a minute."

"I'm ready."

It was nearly 6 PM, so the wedding would begin in about half an hour, so they were good on time.

~~~

6:30.

People were beginning to enter, and it was nearly time for Roman to go down the aisle to the front. He saw his parents who were chatting excitedly with Abigail's parents, and then walked in Abigail's grandparents. People loaded in quickly and Roman couldn't see all of them, but then it was his time.

All heads turned to face him.

He loved having all those eyes on him, smiling at him, cheering loudly. He always loved it.

So why was it so eerie?

He stood on the altar with a big cheesy smile and watched the flower girl, his little cousin, walk down the aisle tossing pretty pink and white petals. Then the ring bearer set a velvet cushion with two gold rings in front of the officiant.

Music.

Here comes the bride.

And down walked Abigail, stunning as ever. Everyone in the world could be captured by her beauty no matter what, especially in that dress. A huge gown with a dramatic train, bodice covered in traditional lace. The top of her long sheer veil seemed to resemble a crown of dainty flowers. The sleeves she had fixed up herself were puffed perfectly. And in true Abigail fashion, she insisted on doing her wedding makeup by herself.

The couple met eyes and she beamed warmly.

The song came to an end as she took her spot on the altar.

Roman could hardly breathe.

While the officiant was welcoming everyone to the ceremony, Roman's ears blocked him out, like he was stuck underwater. He would rather be stuck underwater.

Instead, he was having a panic attack at his own wedding.

He gulped it down like he always did in front of Abigail, but this was different.

The officiant seemed to talk for an extremely long time, and Roman wasn't retaining a single word of it. There were readers from both his and the Decker's family but he couldn't really hear them either.

Abigail unfolded her paper and began reading her own vows. "I vow to give you the life you deserve and I am so incredibly lucky to be with a man like you who has gone through so much growth and works hard to please me every day. From the moment we met in high school, I knew you were the one. You..."

Roman nodded along and forced out a smile.

That was, until he saw it.

He saw him, out of the corner of his eye.

He thought Logan wasn't coming to the wedding. But he was sitting there across the room from his parents, watching Roman and Abigail with an unreadable expression.

"I love you, Roman Walsh, and I always will."

Shit, I didn't listen to any of that.

When he got to his vows, it was the worst line delivery he had ever performed in his existence. He could write extravagant sentences, but they didn't mean anything if they were read aloud soullessly.

"I promise to love you forever because you have changed my life for the better."

That was the last sentence, and he couldn't even look her in the eyes while saying it. Their audience took it as a "he's so cute and shy" moment and awed at the couple.

Their friends and family cheered and the officiant took over.

"Do you, Abigail Decker, take Roman Walsh, to be your husband? Do you promise to love and cherish him, comfort him in times of need, and be faithful towards him until death do you part?"

Forever.

Shit.

Abigail giggled. Her giddiness filled the space around them. "I do." She slipped one gold ring onto Roman's finger, sealing the deal.

"Do you, Roman Walsh, take Abigail Decker, to be your wife? Do you promise to love and cherish her, comfort her in times of need, and be faithful towards her until death do you part?"

And the world seemed to stop.

He took a split glance at Logan, who was staring at the floor like it was the most interesting thing in the world. He noticed he had come to the ceremony without his hair perfectly done. Even in high school he bitched about his hair. That was one of the things him and Roman both shared.

The church was dead silent.

And he came to terms with the sudden death grip on his hands from his fiancée. She gazed into his eyes with intensity like no other. She could have killed him right there if they weren't in a public setting.

She squeezed harder and harder until he felt his veins were about to pop.

"Roman?" the officiant asked softly with his bushy eyebrows furrowed.

I do.

Two short words were about to ruin his life.

But he couldn't let that happen when the man he loved so much was sitting just a few feet away.

He closed his eyes and opened them with a forced surge of courage. If two short words could destroy him, there was also just one word that could save him.

"No."

People gasped and murmured to one another briefly before turning their attention to the situation at hand.

Roman looked at Logan again, who met eyes with him finally.

"Roman... What's going on?" Abigail asked, laughing through her anxiety and her warning tone. "You're supposed to say, 'I do'."

"Okay," he responded, tugging his hands out of her grip and sighing with relief as normal color returned to them. "But I'm saying no."

Logan leaned forward in his chair. This was absolutely not the way he expected the evening to turn out, and his heart was beating so hard and fast that he felt like he was floating.

Roman took off the ring Abigail had put on him and set it back down on the velvet cushion.

"Ro, come on!" she said as quietly as possible through gritted teeth. "Don't embarrass me."

Slowly, Roman turned toward their guests who were all very confused. "Sorry. I don't think- No. I don't love Abigail. I would have canceled the wedding, but she forced me into a state of fear and dependence on her, so I stayed with her for so long."

Nerves shook his system but he kept on.

Abigail growled and grabbed Roman's arm, making him jump, but one of his groomsmen held her back so she couldn't hurt him.

So Roman continued. "I just can't be with her. I need to stabilize myself and over time, ever since... a certain person came along, I was questioning a big part of my life. For years I struggled with my sexuality. I settled on bisexual, but when a man walked into my life again after years of not seeing him, I realized something. And I don't think this is the most common way of saying it."

He looked directly at Logan, who was definitely losing his shit but was trying to keep it down since they were in front of other people.

"I'm gay."

For the first time in his life, that sentence sounded right. Even if Abigail was raging close by.

Roman's parents were the first to stand up and cheer for their son. He nodded graciously at their support.

Logan had turned red and could barely hold down the biggest smile. So much so that over time he didn't hide it anymore. It was a wonderful sight. He lit up the room.

"Logan?" Roman said. "Can you come up here?"

Logan's eyes widened but he made his way up to the altar.

"I did it," he said.

"You did," Logan replied, on the verge of tears.

"It might be too late to finally say this, but it needs to be said or I might implode..."

The guests quieted down again.

"It was always you."

"Ro..."

"I love you, Logan."

Heart beating out of his goddamn chest, Logan put his hands on Roman's shoulders firmly and kissed him with the passion of a million years loving him.

Roman pulled him closer by his waist and kissed Logan back deeply.

"You love me again," Logan said hoarsely.

"Who said I stopped?"

The majority of the guests, groomsmen, and bridesmaids, cheered and clapped for the two men. Some of the bridesmaids were hesitant though, as they were Abigail's friends and weren't terribly excited to face her wrath.

When the cheering finally went down, Roman said his final word for everyone. "Again, sorry for the inconvenience, but I can't marry a woman if I can't love one. To Logan and to my family, you knew, yet I wouldn't accept it and you patiently allowed me to discover myself. It's been a rough ride, but thank you. Finally, Abigail."

Seeing the woman who was supposed to be his wife was totally different now.

She was a hotheaded, unredeemable, mess. Still, he had made excuses for her for years.

"You will never use me again and I'm filing a restraining order as soon as possible. Thank you everyone for coming! I hope to see you all in a less awkward situation."

With that, the ceremony was over and Roman shyly put his hand out for Logan to hold, which Logan accepted with little hesitation.

Mr. Walsh made his way through the crowd to find and hug the shit out of his son while Mrs. Walsh praised him for his bravery. "We are so, so proud!" she exclaimed. "We missed you and Logan together, as well. Speaking of, it's great seeing you again, Logan! It's been so long." She put her hand out.

Logan shook her hand, then Mr. Walsh's. "It's nice to see you too. This is quite the circumstance to reunite isn't it?"

"Definitely," Mr. Walsh chuckled.

"Logan Thomas Decker."

The familiar yet unfamiliar voice made Logan freeze up. He breathed in and out and turned around to face his angered. "Yes?"

"After all these years, you're still a-"

"Fag? Yes, Dad, you're so fucking predictable! I'm a cock-sucking fairy too, right?"

Roman loved that edge to Logan. The sassy, no-fucks-given, shut-the-fuck-up-or-I'll-cut-you side. He missed it. He loved watching Logan stand up for himself with some very bold word choices. He saw too much of sad Logan. Plus, angry Logan was hot when it wasn't towards him.

"Logan, sweetie. You've gone too far and brainwashed Abi's husband too!" Mrs. Decker said.

Logan rolled his eyes so far back they could probably get stuck. Neither of them knew their history and how it was Roman who caught feelings first while Logan was dating another.

"I've always been gay, ma'am," Roman cut in. "Logan just let me know for sure. You don't have the right to assume my sexual orientation or spew bullshit like he 'brainwashed' me, because that's my personal information. Worry about your morals first. And don't call me Abigail's husband, because I don't see a ring." He held up his bare hand.

"Exactly," Logan said.

The Decker parents huffed and left to their car, Mr. Decker cursing under his breath.

"Come to my dressing room," Roman told Logan. "I need to change back to my normal clothes. Do you have a way to get home or can I take you?"

"Virgil offered to drive me home, but I can tell him you offered to take me."

"Great!"

Logan followed Roman to his dressing room, texting Virgil along the way.

Logan: The ceremony ended much earlier than we all thought. Roman is taking me home.

Virgil: woah wtf what happened????

Logan: A lot. I'll explain later in great detail.

Virgil: idk if this means you stole your sister's man idk how to feel but im a little proud rn if that's the case

In the dressing room, Roman took off his tux and Logan couldn't help but check him out. What gay man wouldn't?

From the reflection in the mirror, Roman noticed this and turned around, smirking. "I know I'm really fucking sexy but it's rude to stare."

There was that cockiness and stupid lewd jokes. They came back after being stripped by Abigail.

Logan put his hands on Roman's bare waist and kissed him softly. "I missed you."

~~~

They got in the car when Roman had changed. While he drove, he ended up asking, "So what are we now?"

"I'm not sure. I never knew feelings could form such complicated situations like ours. I did, but not like this."

"Yeah, crazy, right?"

"And now I'm trying to figure out what we are. We were friends with benefits in high school but we both had feelings for each other, then drifted apart slightly, then became friends again, then drifted apart completely. Years later you kiss me behind your fiancée's back and tell me you love me at your own wedding. And you know that when you told me you love me I felt the same."

"You feel the same?" Roman asked, a little surprised, with a blush creeping up on him.

Logan rolled his eyes. Roman has his eyes on the road, but he knew Logan was doing it. "Why do you sound so surprised right now?"

Roman laughed a little. "You're so cute when you're annoyed."

"I'm not cute," Logan scoffed, but he looked out the window so Roman wouldn't catch how the comment flustered him.

"You are. And... You love me back."

"Yes, no shit, Sherlock. I was the one who confessed first when we were 18."

Roman just kept on driving with a stupid big smile.

Logan turned back from the window to the driver's seat where Roman sat. "I love you."

Somehow, Roman smiled even harder, and his teeth shone like the fucking sun. "It's so great hearing that. I know it's been a pain for you since meeting me again."

"It's even better hearing it from you. I've been waiting years for this. It's like, it wasn't that difficult for me to maintain straight A's. For the most part at least." He thought back to when Janus passed away. "It was challenging sometimes, but I knew I was going to be valedictorian and go to an impressive college. I feel as though this," he pointed between the two, "has been one of the biggest challenges I've actually needed to face. That, along with my family."

"You're so smart, yet you have me," Roman chuckled. "Does this mean we're... together? Like, boyfriends?"

Logan didn't know why, but he stopped in his tracks. Were they boyfriends?

He thought back to the texts that horrible morning. It didn't seem like Roman was "just saying" those things. It seemed like Roman needed serious professional help.

"I think we need to talk about what happened this morning," Logan said, dropping the mood to a serious topic. "What you said."

"Oh. Ha. Yeah." Roman got quiet. "Thank you for coming to the wedding. If you hadn't come, I might have said what I was supposed to. And I... might not have been able to bear that."

"Were you texting that in the moment? Or have you been feeling like this lately?"

"It's been like this. I think it's because of Abigail, at least for a good chunk of it. I'm sorry for what I said, I know it was heavy. I don't get what's wrong with me sometimes. I don't get why so many people like me. Especially you. You're so- so perfect. I have issues. I can tell myself that. I'm so fucked."

"There's nothing wrong with you," Logan said softly. "Feelings like this are completely normal, but you should seek help."

Roman's hands tightened on the steering wheel. "I don't know about that. I haven't been to therapy in years. You were right when you said I'm not the same as I was before. I'm trying to pretend like I don't feel so empty inside, but it's hard."

"You don't have to pretend. We'll find you someone. And I think you'll benefit from seeing a doctor, too."

"I'm not mentally ill," Roman replied, trying to joke around but it wasn't effective. "I mean, I don't think so."

"Do you still think about Remus?"

"No."

The answer came extremely fast.

"Ro, pull over," Logan said calmly and put a warm hand on Roman's arm, so Roman found a parking spot and just sat there.

He stared out the front window with his hands folded in his lap. Beads of sweat dropped down his forehead.

"Are you having a panic attack?"

Roman nodded silently. "K-Kinda been holding it all in since Abigail's vows."

Logan opened one of the windows a crack so fresh, cool air could come in. "Close your eyes, honey. Can I touch you?"

Roman nodded again and closed his eyes. He could bring up the "honey" thing later. Logan massaged his shoulders so they would loosen up and kissed him. "Breathe," he said. "You're going to be okay."

When Roman's eyes began to water, he quickly pulled away and wiped them, not bearing to look at Logan.

"You can cry if you need to. Why not?" He frowned when Roman didn't answer, but he had a sneaking suspicion. "Look at me, please?"

When Roman did, Logan leaned in and whispered, "I'm not going to hurt you. I'm sorry for bringing up your brother."

"It's not only Remus," he croaked out. "It's everything. Everything is falling down on me all at once, and I was so comfortable saying all that stuff at the wedding but the high is over and I'm so- so- God, I'm so angry! With myself! Like, you've been waiting for me for literal years, and when I finally get some sense into my head, I'm mentally unstable. You don't want a guy like me."

"Why not?" But he already knew the answer.

"I don't want to be another Janus for you."

"We'll get you help," Logan insisted, "and it'll take time, but you can get through this. Think long term. You probably won't stay in this state forever so long as you find better sources of support." He sighed to himself.

In high school, he let himself move on from Janus easier than he thought he would have even though it wasn't easy at all. He knew Janus had loved him enough to be happy for him being with someone else after his passing.

"Let me drive," he said. "You'll get distracted."

They didn't really come to a conclusion of what their relationship was that day.

Roman wished he wasn't stupid enough to not realize there would be lasting effects to his relationship with someone who destroyed him so badly.

If only he could turn back time.

~~~

"Anyways, Abi texted me and I think I'm going to go back to her after we graduate college."

Logan let out the loudest, most frustrated sigh that mankind had ever experienced. "Abi's a homophobe. But it's fine. I respect your decision, or whatever."

"You're more chill about this than usual... Is this okay?"

Logan's internal rage was palpable inside the treehouse, and Roman suddenly felt like he was about to be punched in the gut.

"Logan? You're scaring me."

"No, I'm fine. I'm happy for you. I hope you and Abi have a good life together."

Roman smiled sadly. "I can tell you're hurt. I'm sorry."

He could tell Logan had a lot of thoughts and shit he wanted to say, none of which were very kind. Instead, he pursed his lips and pretended he was okay. "I'm not hurt. What the hell are you talking about?"

"You said yourself that you're not a robot. Why aren't you living up to that? Why are you looking at me blankly? Talk to me."

Logan kept his mouth shut all the way and shook his head.

"Come on. Please?"

Finally, he said, "Maybe I should just go. Sorry about today. I'm like, really, really sorry." He started to leave but Logan stopped him.

"I love you."

Roman turned around instantly.

Once Logan realized what he had said, his eyes widened and he curled up in a ball. "No, just forget what I said. Everything. I ruined it."

When Roman gently moved Logan's arms which were covering his face, he found that Logan was crying. "Oh my God. Logan, no! Y-You didn't ruin anything. I don't hate you or think you're weird or whatever. Come on. I'm sorry... I love you too."

Logan stopped suddenly. "What?"

"I love you. I said it, okay? I'm just so, so afraid."

"Oh, shut up," the nerd scoffed. "You're saying that to make me feel better. You can go back to Abi, I don't care. Why should I?"

"I don't want Abi. I don't know what's up with me, but I'll tell her I don't want to be with her. I want you with the limited time we have until we have to do long distance or something during college. I wasn't lying when I said this change is hard for me, but I want you, I promise."

Logan inched closer. "You're dropping her for me?"

"Without a doubt," Roman said. "We never made things official, just brought up the idea. You're you. I want to be with you before it's too late."

Finally, Logan was done crying. Roman brought him in for a kiss and they sat in the treehouse together for another couple hours, just being high school sweethearts with limited time.

But it wasn't limited, because they pursued a long distance relationship during college, and even though Logan couldn't afford to visit Florida during the summers, Roman always kept him in mind. He dropped his connections with Abigail completely when she continued to hit on him even though he had rejected her multiple times to be with Logan.

~~~

If only.

Four words could have reversed all of this.

If only he weren't such a coward.