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Chapter 17: Insecurities

The bride also went to greet Noah's family during the reception after their wedding at the church earlier. At pinakilala na rin ako nina Tita Patricia nang makita kong tumingin na rin sa akin si Tristeen nang mapuna niya siguro na may iba pang taong kasama sina tita sa table ng family nila.

"Hija, this is Zephaniah. She's Noah's girlfriend." Tita Patricia smiled while introducing me.

Ngumiti rin naman sa akin si Tristeen. "Chloe has mentioned it to me, too. Nice meeting you, Zephaniah." She said.

Tumango naman ako at ngumiti na rin. "Congratulations on your wedding today!" I said.

Ngumiti lang naman siya at nagpasalamat sa akin. At hindi na rin sila nagtagal doon dahil marami pa silang iba pang mga bisita.

I also saw their daughter. At ang nalaman ko ay nagkaanak na pala sila ng napangasawa niya bago pa man sila ikinasal. At malaki na rin 'yong bata bago pa man kinasal ang parents niya.

Maybe still because of what happened to Tristeen and Noah in the past...

And I just could not help myself but to still bring it up to Noah after attending the wedding and finally meeting Tristeen.

"She's beautiful." sabi ko nang makauwi na kami sa condo niya. Bukas ay babalik din kami agad sa Dumaguete kagaya ng napagplanuhan na rin namin.

Bumaling sa akin si Noah. "Who?"

Tumingin ako sa kaniya. "Tristeen." I said without taking my eyes off of him. Tinitingnan ko rin ang reaction sa mukha niya. "I think I now understand why you still chose to be with her..." I said.

Doon naman nagsimula nang kumunot ang noo ni Noah sa akin. "What..."

I sighed and looked away a bit before I looked at him again. "Are you sure that you don't feel anything for her anymore?" I asked him. And before he could answer, I added another question. "Because now that I think about it, did you just went to Dumaguete because you couldn't stay here and seeing the woman that you like back in the arms of the man she truly wants?"

"What are you talking about?" Naging seryoso na rin si Noah sa uspan namin.

"Ang sinasabi ko lang na baka pala ginagawa mo lang akong panakip-butas, Noah—"

"What the hell? Why would you think like that? And why are you bringing this up—"

"Because it might be true, Noah. That you still like her... No, you love her! You did love her, right? Hanggang ngayon pa ba?" I might sound hysterical now, but I just didn't care anymore... Dahil ang bigat na bigla ng pakiramdam ko pagkatapos ng mga nalaman ko tungkol kay Noah at sa mga nangyari ngayon na nakilala ko pa si Tristeen...

"Listen here, Zeph. I already told you about what happened to me and Tristeen. And it's in the past now. Akala ko ba ay maayos naman nating napag-usapan 'to?"

"I just want to know how you feel until now, Noah. Kung gusto mo pa rin ba siya. At kung ano ba talaga ako sa'yo—"

He grabbed my shoulders that made me stopped talking. He held me in place but his hold wasn't hurting me. Pinirmi niya lang talaga ako bago siya nagsalita. "You're my girlfriend, Zeph. We're together now. At kung ano man ang namagitan sa amin noon ni Tristeen tapos na 'yon. Matagal na 'yong tapos bago pa man kita makilala. When I met you in Dumaguete I was already done with what I left here in Manila." He said.

Pagkatapos ay tumingin siya sa mga mata ko. I was also looking at his eyes.

My lips then parted. But I don't why I just couldn't believe him right now...

It was our first fight as a couple...

I thought Noah and I had understood each other, pero ngayon napatunayan ko na wala nga talagang perpektong relasyon...

And I started to have doubts in our relationship... I got so insecure...

At dahil sa naging away namin ni Noah ay umalis ako sa condo niya kahit gabi na at umuwi ako sa bahay namin. Na mukhang wrong timing pa yata because Zachary was even there having dinner with my family. Nawala ang mga ngiti nila nang makita nila akong nandoon na at bigla na lang dumating sa bahay.

"Zephaniah... Why are you here? You didn't call to say that you're going home..." Tumayo si Daddy mula sa hapag para lapitan ako.

"I'm sorry, Dad. Hindi po agad ako nakapagsabi sa inyo... But can I just rest here for tonight? Babalik din po ako sa Dumaguete bukas din po agad." sabi ko.

"Okay.... Uh, have you eaten dinner, hija?" He asked me.

At tumango na lang ako pagkatapos ay nagpaalam na rin na aakyat sa kwarto ko. Si Dad lang din ang lumapit at kumausap sa akin kanina. The three of them—Mommy, Kiah and Zach remained quiet on the table until I left.

Humiga ako sa kama ko pagkatapos makapasok dito sa kwarto ko sa bahay namin. Palagi pa rin naman nililinisan ito ng mga kasambahay namin kahit wala ako rito.

Tumunog ang phone ko. Tiningnan ko iyon, and I saw that Noah was calling me again. May ilang missed calls na rin siya sa akin. I turned off my phone instead. I refused to talk more after and I just left. He tried to stop me but I told him na uuwi ako sa bahay ng parents ko. Sa huli ay hinayaan na lang din niya ako...

I sighed.

And then I heard the door of my room opened. Hindi ko rin pala na-locked ang pinto ng kwarto ko. And I saw Kiah just entered my room. Napabangon ako sa kama ko.

"Why are you here?" She asked me.

Tumayo ako sa harapan niya. We're twins but I'm a bit taller than her. I also got longer hair than hers while she got some bangs. Mas maliit din talaga siya kumpara sa akin. At ang sabi nina Mommy ay kahit noong pinanganak pa lang daw kaming dalawa ni Kiah, she was a smaller baby than I was. Siguro kasi sa sakit niya. I was born healthy while she was not...

"Aalis din ako bukas." I told her.

She remained looking at me. She must be still angry at me for what happened between me and Zach. I tried to say sorry and apologize to her before but she almost wouldn't listen to me at nagalit lang siya sa akin.

Pagkatapos ay humalukipkip siya sa harapan ko. "Bakit? Wala ka bang nakukuhang sapat na atensyon sa pinuntahan mo? That you came back here, at dito ka na naman ulit kukuha ng atensyon?" She sounded like she was confronting me.

Kumunot naman ang noo ko sa kaniya. Binuksan ko ang bibig ko at magsasalita pa lang sana ako nang muli rin siyang magsalita.

"You just lack attention, Zeph." She said. "Even though you already have it all. Gusto mo pa rin ng sobra pang attention. That you even tried to steal Zach from me. Pero alam mo ba kung bakit hindi ka magugustuhan ni Zach? Because unlike me, you've already been to many relationships. Sa kung kaninong lalaki ka sumasama noon pa man. What is it? Because anyone who could give you the attention ay papatulan mo—"

I barely let her finish because I already slapped her. What's her problem? Bigla na lang siyang pumasok dito sa kwarto ko at sasabihan ako ng kung ano. And was she even calling me a slut now? Just because I freely went out and went on dates? Ano ba ang masama roon? Was it my fault kung hindi niya magawa iyon because she's sick and it's only Zach who could understand her condition...

Isa pa ay hindi maganda ang pakiramdam ko ngayon. Noah and I fought. At gusto ko lang naman sana na makapagpahinga at makapag-isip ako ngayong gabi lang dito sa bahay. At aalis din naman ako bukas pabalik ng Dumaguete. I have exams coming at malapit na rin ang graduation namin. I have to go back.

Kaya lang ba niya nasabi ang mga sinabi niya ngayon dahil nagkita na naman kami ni Zach at nasa isang lugar ngayon? I know that she was so sensitive about it. Pero hindi ko naman sinasadya at hindi ko nga alam na nandito rin si Zach ngayon sa bahay.

She sounded so insecure... Pero naisip ko rin ang sarili ko. I also feel insecure now. Kahit sa kay Noah ngayon. Insecurities...

"Zephaniah!" And of course Mommy was quickly there. Not to stop me and my sister from fighting each other, but to just side with Kiah.

I felt so disappointed. Palaging ganito noon pa man...

Sumunod din si Daddy. "What's happening here?"

"Itong anak mo. Umuwi lang dito at para pa saktan ang kapatid niya." Mommy said.

I almost just wanted to roll my eyes. She's always one-sided. But I didn't care anymore. Aalis din naman ako bukas pero parang maghohotel na lang siguro ako ngayong gabi dahil mukhang mapapaalis pa ako rito sa bahay.

I even wanted to explain myself. Gusto kong i-point out na si Kiah naman ang pinasok ako rito sa kwarto ko at nagsabi ng kung ano-ano sa akin. But I also thought that it's useless. Kasi palagi lang naman si Kiah ang kakampihan.

"I'm sorry, Dad. Sa hotel na lang po siguro ako ngayong gabi. Babalik din naman ako ng Dumaguete bukas." sabi ko at paalam na rin.

Sinundan naman ako ni Daddy hanggang sa makababa na ako sa living room namin at nakita ko pa si Zach doon pero halos hindi ko na rin siya pinansin. I'm just tired now at gusto ko na lang magpahinga sa hotel mamaya.

"You didn't tell us na uuwi ka ngayon, Zephaniah." Daddy said na nakasunod sa akin.

Binalingan ko siya. "May nangyari lang po, Dad... Uh, aalis na po ako. Kailangan ko pang mag-book sa hotel." I said.

Sa huli ay nagbuntong-hininga na lang si Daddy at hinayaan na akong umalis.

I left the house and just slept on a hotel that night.