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Chapter 1: The Runaways

Zephaniah

It was a mistake when I spent a night with my sister's fiancé. Zach and I were both drunk and he mistook me for my twin sister, Hezekiah.

The three of us grew up together. Zach was the son of our parents close friends. Bata pa lang ay nirereto na ng mga magulang namin ang mga anak nila sa isa't isa. And Kiah being the favorite daughter was chosen to be with Zach...

I love my sister. Kiah and I are twins. At hindi ko sinasadya ang isang gabi na may nangyari sa amin ni Zach. Na siyang sumira sa relasyon naming magkapatid.

"You like him!" Kiah accused me.

I remained quiet. Hinayaan ko lang siya na komprontahin ako. Ako ang may kasalanan kaya magpapakababa ako. And also, I wouldn't deny what she said. I didn't just like Zach. I loved him.

Pero kahit ano pang pagpapakababa ang gawin ko ay hindi pa rin kami maayos ni Kiah. At pakiramdam ko ay hindi na kami mababalik pa sa dati...

And our parents were especially angry at me. Lalo na nang sinugod sa ospital si Kiah. My twin sister wasn't born healthy unlike me. At hanggang sa paglaki ay nadala niya ang kaniyang sakit. She has a weak heart. Hindi siya pwedeng ma stress. While I was born all okay, kaya ba hinayaan na lang ako ng parents ko?

Maybe they thought that I was stronger than my twin sister, that's why. But was that enough reason for them to think that I'll be just fine? That I can just endure anything... Na parang wala na akong karapatang ma stress din, o masaktan. Because I was expected to be okay all the time...

But...

I can't... And I'm not. I'm not okay...

My tears silently fell down my cheeks from my eyes as I was just watching the quiet sea...

Umalis ako sa amin. My twin sister was still in the hospital when I left home. Pinalayas din ako ni Mommy, and although I'd still like to think na hindi naman niya sinasadya iyon... Umalis na pa rin ako.

I remember my last conversation with Zach.

"I didn't really know, Zeph! I was drunk! And I thought you were Kiah!"

Nakatingin lang ako sa kaniya habang nagpapaliwanag siya sa harapan ko. "We were both drunk, Zach." I emphasized.

Dahil kanina pa kami nag-uusap dito, pinag-uusapan iyong nangyari sa amin, at para bang gusto pa yatang palabasin ni Zach that like I was the only villain here. That he's innocent. When in fact pareho lang kaming lasing noong gabing iyon.

Dahil kahit pa gusto ko rin si Zach, if I was not drunk and in my right mind, I wouldn't do this to my sister.

O siguro ay nagrarason na lang din ako kahit sa sarili ko...

I sighed. "Let's just... hide what happened from Kiah. And to everyone, Zach. Hindi pwedeng malaman ni Kiah na..." Natigilan ako sa pagsasalita dahil biglang nanlaki ang mga mata ni Zach habang nakatingin siya sa likuran ko.

At agad ko namang binalingan ang nakikita niya, and there I saw Kiah... And that's when she knew what happened to me, her twin sister, and her fiancé Zach.

"Hindi ko pwedeng malaman na ano, Zeph?" She confronted me.

I looked down. I hang my head low. I couldn't look at Kiah in the eyes.

While Zach started explaining his side to Kiah desperately...

Na sa huli ay sa akin ang lahat ng sisi napunta...

Kiah couldn't forgive me. But I think she can forgive Zach... Na ngayon ay nasa ospital din para bantayan siya. Together with our parents na humingi na rin siya ng tawad.

I couldn't believe myself that I fell with someone like Zach...

Zachary Lagdameo was a good kid... Growing up together I witnessed how friendly he was with everyone, how kind and respectful he was towards his parents and other people. He was a sweet boy even to our parents. Kaya naman lahat ng nakapaligid sa kaniya ay nagugustuhan siya matatanda man o mga kaedad rin naming bata noon. Dahil sa pagkakaroon niya nang mabuting asal. He was charming especially to the girls eyes. Pero madalas din magselos noon si Kiah. At hindi katulad ko ay nagsasabi si Kiah ng nararamdaman niya...

Kaya naman lalo na noong naging sila na ni Zach, he can't even have normal conversations with other girls...

"Hindi ka ba naiinis sa ginagawa ng kapatid ko?" I asked him once.

He turned to look at me and just smiled. Umiling din siya. "No. I understand Kiah..." He said and looked in front of us...

I thought that if it was me I wouldn't do that to Zach... I thought that he was too kind for my sister...

And I thought that maybe if he's with me then I can give him more freedom...

I thought that I knew both my sister and Zach.

But now I realized that maybe I still don't. No matter after spending almost our whole life since we were little children together.

Inisip ko pa noon na siguro ay mas deserve ko si Zach dahil sa inakala ko rin na ugali ng kapatid ko that I thought I already knew her that way... At inisip ko rin na kilala ko na ngang talaga si Zach that I thought I knew what's best for him...

But I just realized now that I was wrong...

That maybe Kiah just loves Zach very much na ayaw niya lang na maagaw ito ng iba at mawala sa kaniya... And that Zach really understands my sister and loves her despite her being kind of a little controlling sometimes...

That Zach didn't stopped asking for Kiah's forgiveness until now...

At wala siyang pakialam sa akin dahil lahat ng atensyon niya ay na kay Kiah lang.

It hurts, of course.

But I already realized now, and I hate myself for realizing things just now.

Bakit hindi noon pa? Was I too blinded with my feelings for Zach at doon lang ako nag-focus? At hindi ko na inisip pa at na consider ang iba pang mga bagay...

Zach doesn't love me the way I love him... He doesn't even care about me. All his attention was on Kiah especially now. Hindi niya rin ito maiwan sa hospital where she's been admitted and he's obviously so worried for her.

Lahat naman ay nag-aalala kay Kiah kahit noon pa man.

That people, especially our parents couldn't even look at me.

Was I just jealous of my sister? Maybe I am.

Pero dahil iyon wala nang natirang atensyon para sa akin ang mga magulang namin...

Even though I also love my twin sister very much... Hindi ko pa rin iyon maiwasan. Dahil kailangan ko rin naman ang parents ko... Kailangan ko rin naman ng pagmamahal at atensyon galing sa kanila... And I can't expect myself to be the only one who could understand me...

Dahil sa totoo lang minsan ay hindi ko rin maintindihan ang sarili ko... And maybe someone could be there for me, too...

Yes, I envy Kiah... Because I always witnessed how everyone's attention were all just on her...

I sighed. And then I wiped my tears off. Nakatingin pa rin ako sa dagat, sa kawalan. Gabi nang bumiyahe ako at nag-barko papunta sa pupuntahan kong lugar. Ilang araw na rin simula nang kung saan-saan na lang ako napadpad. I left my cards at home... And the only thing that's with me was my car. And with it I just kept on driving for days... Hanggang sa naisipan kong sumakay ng barko nang makitang malapit na rin naman ako sa pinakamalapit na port. I just sold my car in a rush... para magkapera rin ako. And then I'm here now.

The sun started to rise... Napatingin ako sa kung saan mukhang dadaong na ang sinakyan kong barkong pampasahero. Wala pa pala akong tulog...

Bumaba na rin ako sa barko kasama ang ibang mga pasahero nang dumaong na kami.

Napatingin ako sa lugar kung saan ako napadpad. Right now I'm here in Dumaguete City...

I didn't plan on coming here. Bago rin sa akin ang lugar. Dahil hindi ko naman iniwan ang Luzon habang lumalaki ako, o hindi lang pa talaga ako nakakapunta rito sa Dumaguete. Dito na lang kasi ako dinala nang barkong sinakyan ko.

And my first impression? Maayos naman ang lugar. Malinis at mukhang maayos talaga. The people and locals here are nice, too... Lumapit at nagtanong agad ako sa unang nakita kong tricycle driver na mukhang nag-aantay din ng pasahero roon. And he brought me to the nearest hotel or inn where I could stay.

"Salamat po, Manong." I said, at mukhang sobra pa yata ang binigay kong pamasahe na sinoli pa nito sa akin ang sukli ko.

Ngumiti na lang ako at pagkatapos ay pumasok na rin sa loob ng hotel para mag-check in.

Wala akong gamit na dala. And I just want to take a shower now. And ipapa-laundry ko na lang itong damit ko para may masuot ako muli mamaya pagkatapos ko lang magpahinga sa hotel room. Maybe I'd buy clothes and my other necessities as well later.

I stayed at hotel fronting Rizal Boulevard. Nakita ko na naman ang dagat nang dumungaw ako sa bintana ng aking hotel room. And I thought to myself that it was relaxing to just face the sea like this. Kaya naman pagkatapos lang magpahinga sandali sa hotel at nang hapon ay bumaba ako at tumawid lang sa boulevard.

Umupo ako roon sa isang tabi sa dulo at natutulala lang naman sa dagat. Sa totoo lang ay mukhang kulang pa rin talaga ako sa tulog. And I even feel like I'm not feeling well. Hindi kasi ako makapagpahinga nang maayos sa mga iniisip ko pa rin hanggang ngayon...

Kaya nakaupo lang ako doon at tahimik na pinagmamasdan ang kalmado rin na dagat.

I remember that I also haven't eaten yet. Simula pa yata kahapon ay wala pa pala akong kain. I couldn't eat properly, too. Pakiramdam ko ay wala lang talaga akong gana...

Until I felt someone sat next to me. Nang bumaling ako sa tabi ko ay nakita kong may isang lalaking umupo doon. Hindi naman talaga siya malapit sa akin. Malaki nga ang pagitan sa gitna naming dalawa habang parehong nakaupo roon. At habang napagmasdan ko na rin pala siya ay nakita kong mukhang natutulala lang din siya sa dagat...

I thought if we have the same look on our faces as we gaze at the setting sun in front of us. Naisip ko pa na kung nandito rin ba siya dahil gaya ko ay naglayas din siya sa bahay nila...

I sighed and looked back again on the sea in front and the sunset. Pero wala pa mang ilang minuto ay naibalik ko ang tingin ko sa kaniya. While he just remained looking at the sea. At hindi ko pa namalayan na nagtatagal na rin pala ang mga mata kong nakatingin lang sa kaniya. That later on he looked back at my way when he probably noticed that I've been looking at him.

Nabigla naman ako at mag-iiwas na sana agad ng tingin pero naabutan na niyang nakatingin nga ako sa kaniya. Why the hell do I keep on looking at him, by the way? Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit nagtatagal na ang tingin ko sa kaniya hanggang sa napansin na nga rin niya.

"Yes?" He asked me as he caught me watching him.

Umawang ang labi ko. "Uh..." I didn't know what to say. Was he talking to me? Obviously kasi wala naman nang ibang tao dito sa tabi namin. Should I respond? What to do...

I think I panicked in that moment.

Pwede naman akong umiling lang o kaya ngumiti ng tipid sa kaniya at huwag nang tumingin pa. He might just be asking me why I was looking...

Pero nang bumaling na siya sa akin, he seemed cold and intimidating... Kaya naman hindi ko na tuloy alam ang gagawin ko...

"What is it, Miss?" He asked me again and as if in an impatient manner.

Lalong umawang ang labi ko at umiling-iling na ako pagkatapos ay umiwas na rin agad ng tingin. Hindi na rin ako nakuntento that I stood up from there and I immediately left. I thought that I should leave him alone now.

Nakakatakot naman ang taong 'yon...

Nagmadali na lang akong bumalik sa hotel ko at naghanap na rin ng makakain. Mukhang kulang na nga talaga ako sa kain nitong mga nakaraang araw at ang dali ko nang ma intimidate... Tsk.