TW: Red Room trauma and a little bit more than average mentions of r@pe :( Also Natasha and Maria's first big fight 😬💔❤️‍🩹 This chapter is heavier than the others, so I request to read with caution. I'm also not one to write smut so don't get your hopes up ;)

That Never Really Happened

DECEMBER 3rd, 2006
TW: verbal fighting / flinching / deeper discussions and mentions of r@pe / a little bit of sexual words used and talks about it

For Natasha's birthday Maria had a request for her boss. To... babysit. Nick Fury was never the child type so it was an amusing idea to the pair, but after puppy eyes and light smiles and pleads, he agreed. After reminding them he's gonna start training Sasha at five of course. The hesitance was clear in both women's eyes, but they know the teachings won't be anything like the Red Room or military's.

Which leads us to now.

"Ohh, I love you so much!" Natasha cries as she falls onto the bed, Maria on top of her. She brought herself to the Russian's lips, caressing over them before placing a small peck on the lips.

"Me too, darling." she husks, smiling as she boops Nat's nose.

Things start getting even more heated, but for the sake of keeping this somewhat appropriate I will not be deep diving into that. But I will say that Maria did something she hadn't done in any intimate moment with Natasha before.

She starts squeezing Natasha's ass, resulting in loud moans cascading through the room, getting absorbed into the walls. But then she gets ever so slightly rougher, pushing harder on her sides, scratching a bit. And Natasha makes the mistake of flinching.

Maria pushes herself off of her girlfriend, creases forming on her forehead as she fearfully examines her lover's body. She seems fine, but stuck in thought. Stuck in something.

But then Natasha's eyes drift off and her chest starts rising and falling erratically, terrifyingly faster than normal. She's throwing herself into a panic attack. 

Maria's seen this too many times before. She knows what she's doing. Or... she thinks she does.

"Shh, shh, I've got you, darling. You're safe." This works every time, just being in the presence of her lover calms Nat. But not now. Not when she handled her the way the Red Room used to. Kinda.

Natasha pushes herself up and scoots away from Maria, lightly crying. She tried hard not to at first, but it seemed to be to no avail so just decided she'd show weakness. How she wish she didn't.

"Please, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-"

Maria tries to get closer to Nat but it just results in another flinch so stays put. "What do you need me to do, Natty? I'm right here, do you want a hug?"

Natasha's head moves side to the side in response, tears falling a bit faster.

"Can you please talk to me? What did I do... I need to know." She should never have asked.

Another sob reeks through Natasha's system, though still as Maria tries to get closer she won't allow the comfort. She's twenty-two today, yet she still only just escaped the Red Room and their hold on her. About four-ish years ago, if that.

Any time she ever made love, she just let herself be used. She's still not okay with her body being part of a pleasure process, either topping or faking an orgasm to get it over with on as much of her terms as can be. She's a good actress, we can give her that. But it's never been on her terms about if she's ready.

Though Maria has always handled her lightly. With so much care and compassion Nat could almost forget about her innocence being taken away. Her body was never hers, but the art of seduction was a segment of spy training she never wants to think about. Yet she still hasn't taken down the academy.

Now today, Maria was starting to use her again. Though she didn't know it, Natasha did. But the softness of her touch always made Natasha fluttery, and it made the memories almost worth it. When Maria unconsciously made her feel like having sex is different than making love.

Now today, Maria started doing something different. She manhandled her... sort of. But it was enough for her Nat to have had enough.

Maria's pleads are never endless, almost laughable if not for the situation. "Natasha, I'm so sorry! What did I do, I'll do anything to make it up!"

"Please don't be rough... or, scratch. I- I liked how you were doing it before." Her voice comes out weak. Fragile. Broken and yet still breakable. It's like her walls are half built, half shattered. All glass.

Things start clicking in Maria's brain. She's terrified about the question she's about to ask, yet also sort of mad. "Natasha... have you also been raped?" 

"No! It's not like that... it's just... uhm, the Red Room taught us seduction and they'd often have us perform sexual actions to learn. You have to do things to be good at it, of course. Just like sparring. And they'd teach us how to do someone else, although they'd often tell us women are on the bottom. That we're just whores. Which of course we are, that's how we were trained." She rambles out though she knows what she's saying isn't okay. She's trying to just end this conversation. She's trying to make it sound normal and just like anything else she's been taught in the Red Room so right now can be about Maria. Unluckily, Maria knows how Natasha plays.

"Natasha, was it consentual?" she blatantly asks. 

"Well... no, but-" innocence isn't working.

"God, why didn't you tell me!? Natasha, I know you know what's wrong and right, I literally was raped too! You should've told me! I know you were definitely struggling then, right? While you took care of me you were secretly throwing yourself into a pit of flashbacks! I... I could've helped you!"

Natasha holds back her flinch, just so Maria can stay mad. It is her fault, she knows that. "I didn't wanna worry you, Ria. You were going through your own shit, and you see I'm fine! I've had worse, done worse." 

"Could you be any less dense, you should've told me!" Maria stand up off the bed and paces. It's out of love, Natasha reasons with herself.

"It's fine, Ria! And it's my business not yours!" She also gets up, ignoring her shaking legs. "It was part of my training! And I've done countless honeypot missions for the Red Room and for SHIELD. I'm fine! I didn't want to make a big deal about it!"

"You do honeypot!? You cannot do that to yourself! Even I don't do that! The second in command of one of the biggest organizations in the world! You're right, you are a whore! We're together and you didn't tell me some of your missions include sexual interaction with someone other than your partner?"

Natasha visibly winces. She didn't think it was that big of deal. Yeah, she's been raped as well, but so many times she doesn't even care anymore. If she has to neutralize a target or extract information through sex, even if it makes her uncomfortable, she will do it.

"It's just part of being a spy, Maria! And I'll do anything to prove my loyalty to this country and to Fury. Even if it means exploiting my already used and abused body! It's just a body Maria, and I didn't want to undermine the fact you were raped! Because it's a bigger and scarier deal to you than to me! And if I told you all that happened to me then you wouldn't've felt like you did, and try to bounce right back when you didn't feel that way at all!"

"You. Should've. Told. Me!" Maria bites back, raising her hand as she walks forwards.

Natasha's flinch is huge as she watches her lover's hand push back into her long, chocolate brown wavy curls.

But Maria sees it clear as day.

She tries to walk forwards, the anger deflating, concern falling through her expressions. But Natasha shuffles backwards into the corner. She holds her arms in front of herself, curling to make herself the smallest she possibly can.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Please don't hurt me. I'll tell you everything you want to know. Please don't hurt me."

Maria's eyes scale Natasha's petite and fragile figure. She doesn't exactly know what to do. She's never seen Natasha this broken before. But it's her own fault, she believes. Maria thinks Maria is too blame. She did this to her baby because she wants to know everything she can so she can be the girlfriend Natasha deserves.

But today she hasn't been. And today's her girl's birthday.

Maria attempts to take a step forward, involuntarily creating another massive flinch from Nat.

Natasha squints her eyes shut. "Ya gotov k nakazaniyu." She mutters softly, before moving her head up and letting her features relax and her eyes flutter open slightly. "Ya podchinyayus'. Ya gotov k nakazaniyu."

This is when Maria knew she really fucked up. "No... please don't. I, no. You're not getting any punishment! I love you, please..."

But Natasha was too stuck in flashback.

"What do you want from me? What do you want me to do?" she asks, stoic like a robot.

"Natty, please." She takes a small step forward, ignoring the slight shake in her lover's body. She doesn't touch, just squats down to be level with her. "I'm not going to hurt you. I was stupid. I don't want anything from you. I just want to be with you, and I want you to feel comfortable and safe in sexual situations. Because you deserve that. But if you haven't been ready yet, we don't have to do anything." She graces her little, curly red haired girlfriend a tiny smile before standing back up.

She never expected what was going to happen next.

Natasha stood up and stripped, leaving herself bare amid Maria. "You can have sex with me now, I won't flinch this time and I'll let you enjoy yourself tonight like you thought you would with Sasha gone."

Maria's startled expression throws Nat off. But she doesn't say a word, believing this will help her with her Natasha related problems.

"No, Natty. Please no. Put your clothes back on." Maria almost starts crying at the sight, terrified about what could've been so bad that Natasha would act this way. The Red Room. She will do everything she can to destroy that disgusting place.

Natasha does what she's told to, trying to make this situation better. "Yes, Ma'am."

"Nat, don't call me that. If you're okay with me touching you can we just cuddle and sleep this off? I think you need to start talking to someone, but we'll talk more about that tomorrow. I love you, can you please come back to me?" She speaks with the lightest voice she can.

Natasha looks around, shutting and opening her eyes. She's so, so tired... and Maria says she loves her. She doesn't seem mad anymore...

"Oh-okay. I just want to make you happy." She shakes herself up a bit, trying to just make her lover happy. Anything for Maria. "If you want to have sex I'll do it with you."

Maria grasps onto Natasha's body as she carries her, spooning her as she lies down on the bed. "No, and I'm sorry for calling you a whore for doing honeypot. I just care so much I wish you told me. If you want to continue you can but you can say you're not interested. SHIELD won't care."

"No, I'm sorry, Ria." Natasha wishes she could, but she didn't have a choice in doing bad, but she has a choice in making that all up. She'll say yes to any situation that puts herself in harms way or helps someone else get out of harm. "But it's one of those things that means a lot to me about getting my red gone."

"By punishing yourself and making you feel uncomfortable?" Maria squeezes tighter.

"...Yeah. I guess so." Natasha turns around to face Maria's face. "I'm sorry about all of this, I didn't mean for it to all come out like it did."

Maria's saddened features curves into a smile. "I love you, Nat. And you have nothing to be sorry about. You have trauma that will take years to get through, and I'll love you no less for that. I am sorry for flipping out on you for all of that, that wasn't okay of me."

"It's okay." Natasha responds calmly. "I have my moments too. I love you no less for that."

<3

Was Natasha or Maria right?

TRANSLATIONS!

Ya gotov k nakazaniyu [Russian]
meaning: I'm ready for punishment

Ya podchinyayus' [Russian]
meaning: I comply