A/N All the chapters are gonna be like a poem... why am I giving myself extra work?

Although You've Got to Decide When

JUNE 3rd, 2005
TW: mentions of rape

Maria cries quietly into her lover's arms. She feels so weak, so used. She can't even begin to imagine the people who went and go through this alone.

"I tried, Nat. I tried so hard! But I got stuck! I kept thinking about my dad, and then... and then he was on top of me! You must think I'm so weak." She sobs, never feeling quite this vulnerable, so dependent on someone else for security. She didn't think this area of complete unrecognized anti-control depression and inward isolation could exist. 

But Natasha could never believe Maria weak, the contrary actually. How could Natalia Romanova think her girlfriend weak when she was in this situation, almost identical to what Maria's going through, just over a year ago, if that. She wouldn't wish that on anyone, let along her own girlfriend. But she couldn't tell any of this to Maria, especially after Maria's first (and hopefully last) sexual assault. 

"No, Ria. Never. You are the strongest person I know, and will continue to know." She hugs her lover even tighter. Forever tighter.

Natasha promised to protect Maria always, and look where she ended up. She'll never let her go again, not on her watch. In her arms laid the only person she could call her's, and in this moment they were both okay.

JUNE 4th, 2005
TW: mentions of rape

"All done, Commander. All evidence is documented. We'll get back to you later today or early tomorrow when we find out who did it."

SHIELD personas aren't trained nor paid for this, and usually keep to themselves. (Natasha didn't, but that's something Maria loves about her) They won't outwardly express the shock they feel about their deputy director standing in their medical wing asking for a rape kit... with dried blood stained on her pants with bruising around her neck. She's got rough hickeys hidden behind her clothing although the doctors have already seen them.

"Ria, you're so brave." Nat gives her a small smile. "You're so strong! Now, let's get back to my room and cuddle, yeah?"

Maria sighs lowly. "That sounds nice," she mumbles out.

So that's what they do. They watch TV and eat popcorn, chips, chocolate and such while watching romcoms. But as their movies play, tears build up in Maria's eyes. When Natasha notices, she hits pause, tightening her hold on her girlfriend.

"I love you, Ria. Don't forget that."

"I don't think I could," she sniffles, trying to block out the world. After a few deep breaths she turns her head to the side to look at her amazing, most spectacular partner. "Natty?"

Natasha hums in response, entranced in her lover's eyes.

"Have you ever felt so weak and used and tired? Like you don''t know what you're fighting for? That you just can't possibly let go of the past... but you want to? But you know you can't, and even if you know why you won't accept it? You just feel so gone and mentally abused?"

Maria tried not to think of that, but she has to or else she'll forget why she's here. She waits for her girlfriend's response, trying not to cry. Did she say something out of line?

But when she sees that famous grin, she almost melts. "Yeah, I have, Ria. Every goddamn day until I met you."

JULY 4th, 2005

'It might be silly' Maria thinks, trying to just think her idea of normally. But she feels like every holiday or birthday after the incident is significant. Fourth of July is today and she can't help but think, 'It's my first Fourth of July after the incident.'

Now she finally has brought up the courage to tell Nat. She takes a deep breath while bringing her arms to wrap around Natasha's waist, pushing her head into the crook of her girlfriend's neck. "I don't want to see fireworks this year, Nat. I'm sorry. I want to just stay in. Please don't be mad."

The response she gets was too fast, shocking Maria. "That's fine, darling. I've seen them before and I'll see them again. What do you want to do instead?"

"Cuddles and food... please?"

Natasha smiles to herself. "Of course! They never get old!"

After the both of them get cosy they hop into bed, staring at the blank TV for a second before turning back to study each other's faces yet again. 

"Thanks for sticking with me, Natty."

"It's the least I can do," Natasha replies. And when Maria passes out after some TV and food and cuddles, Nat stares at her. She knows she lucked out, and she's never been so grateful to the universe. If going through all the shit she's been given were the stepping stones in bringing her to Maria... she would do it all again.

She moves her lips to kiss the Deputy Director's forehead. Her girl boss, her amazing most talented girlfriend and lover and smartest and most capable person ever. Her's.

JULY 10th, 2005

This was the third morning in a row that Maria is waking up needing to puke. Both parties involved in girlfriend activities know what's up, and ignoring it is going pretty dandy. But Natasha can't handle it anymore.

She slowly rubs Maria's back as she holds her hair behind her. Maria kneels there waiting for more bile to come out, and when it finally does she starts tearing up, right before lying back on Natasha. "We're going to CVS after I get myself together," she states, before using the back of her wrist to wipe away a stray tear making its way down her cheek.

"Yeah, I guess we are."

⧗ⴵ🦅🛡

"Natty... what do we do if it's positive?" 

Natasha sighs, "Darling, I can't make that decision for you. But you have to take the test, that I can tell you."

"I... I don't know if I want to. I don't know what I'll do! Gosh, I do want a kid, of course I do. No- that's not an of course. But this affects both of us, we'd both be moms. Because of course I'd want you to be this theoretical child's other mother. But I don't know if I'm ready. I'm only twenty-three. And oh my gosh you're twenty. We can't do this! Can we? Do I want to do this? This child would be the product of rape. And then everyone is right that rape is okay because a child can come out of it. No- that's not okay at all. I don't want to be reminded of that disgusting man. But maybe I do want a kid, and- and-"

Natasha puts her hands on Maria's cheeks, shushing her as she does before smashing her lips onto hers. They make out for a couple seconds as Nat walks her backwards into their master bath. Slyly opening the toilet seat before lowering her hands to the waistline of Ria's sweatpants and underpants, she pushes them down to Maria's ankles. She moves her face away as she pushes her down onto the toilet.

"Natasha..." Maria's voice fades at the end as she gives her girlfriend a look.

Romanoff decides to stay silent as she fills up a glass of water. "Drink." is all she says.

"What? No." The commanding officer complains. 

"You're on that toilet, you're not getting off. Drink."

"Fine."

This continues on for quite some time as Natasha tries to make sure that she can find out if her girlfriend is pregnant. She won't admit it to herself, but she wants the baby. She wants to have a child. And though she can't physically have one herself... this might be her chance. But this possible child was made out of rape, and the decision isn't up to her. Her girlfriend might be carrying a child right now, and it's her choice. Always.

"Can I please have the stick now? I need to pee real bad so stop making me drink the goddamn water!" 

Natasha roles her eyes. "Fine, fine. If you insist." She leans on the counter taking the rapper off the first test out of three. "Here you go, Miss Bossy!" 

"I am not bossy! You used your lips to get me over here!"

"Ahh, but you fell for it." 

"Fuck you, Romanoff! Now turn away, I have shy bladder." 

Natasha turns around so her girlfriend can pee on a stick. But she can still hear it so what's the point?

"Next one, Nat!"

⧗ⴵ🦅🛡

"Oh god, what do I do? What do I do what do I do what do I do?"

Natasha walks over to where Maria stands, staring at three positive tests. She wraps her arms around her, swaying them both side to side. "I can't tell you that, but I can help you think of pros and cons? You've got this, you'll make the right choice. Both are welcome, and I won't be mad at whatever you choose. If you want the kid I'll help take care of them, I'll be your co-parent. We'll have so many amazing adventures together! But if you don't want to keep it," she pauses, moving away to lock eyes with Maria, "I'm here for you. And we can keep cuddling and laughing and being those awesome kick-ass agents. Take your time. We can just lie down for now, and you can think while I cling onto you like a koala bear."

"What did I do to deserve you?"

"Everything."

JULY 12th, 2005
TW: slight mention of self-harm

"Nat... I made the decision. I've been thinking." Maria carries in a big piece of cardboard into Natasha's room with a bunch of messy words and glue scattered over it. "Here's the pros and cons on both sides, and I've decided I want to keep the child. You can read it, and I still hope you support me. I know SHIELD will be a little bit harder with the little rascal but we'll train them. We have to. And we can alternate going on missions, because it's our lives. But I don't know if I'll be able to have this kid later because I need someone to keep me in check. I don't want to die, Nat. And with both of us out in the field we'll need someone to live for. I want to live for you, but I think... I think I just want this child. I'm sorry if this is too much and you wanted me to get rid of it, but I can't."

Natasha gets herself off the bed, and slowly walks over to her lover. "That's perfectly fine, Hill. Because I was hoping you'd want it. I can't have kids of my own... and there's no one else I'd want the mother to be except you. You are saying I can be the baby's other parent, right?"

"Yes, of course."

Natasha embraces Maria will the biggest hug they've ever had, tears starting to stream down their faces and onto the surface beneath them. "This is amazing, we're gonna be mamas."

"Yeah, we're gonna be mamas."

Natasha takes herself out of the hug, staring at her girlfriend. She's in grey sweatpants and a blue tank top. You can see her scars from the red room imprinted onto her skin, forever there. They're all from her trauma, even if some of those were to get her out of her head. Maria's been helping her... and she's supposedly been clean since before Maria's incident. 

She reaches into her pocket, pulling out a small silver ring.

"I'm not doing the proposal shit, Ria. But here, it's a promise ring. I'm yours, I promise. I'm not ready for marriage, but I'm ready to be with you. For as long as my life allows. I'm not dying, especially not after finding out we're gonna be parents. But darling, will you promise to stick with me?"

Now Maria was sobbing, let's blame the hormones. "Yes, yes, a million times yes! I promise! I promise I'm sticking with you forever and ever! I love you!!" She tackles Natasha into a hug, moving over to stick to each other on the bed. "I love you so goddamn much it physically hurts! Yes yes yes yes yes!! I accept your promise!!"