A/N im obsessed with 1989 taylor's version not even funny

Is It Over Now? is the only correct answer to best vault track

ALSO the family is forever is from WandaVision, but if you stick around long enough you'll understand why I used it. Any guesses?

translations at the bottom!

Dreams Are Awoken

FEBRUARY 10th, 2008
TW: self-harm talk

Sasha's birthday... Natasha's baby's birthday. Natasha longs to hold her, to coddle her, to love her. 

She's trying more today than others, but how does she deserve this? She knows it's not Sasha's fault, and she doesn't deserve what Natasha's been putting her through, but she was not okay.

The shower incident had not been a one time thing.

Maria had been trying, oh god had she been trying. With Natasha's permission she had told Clint, both checking up on her and cleaning her cuts. Every time though, she wouldn't tell them when she'd do it. When they'd ask she'd show them without a fight, but she was indifferent and hollow to what she was doing to herself. Or so it felt. 

Nat would get upset when Maria wouldn't let her go to the bathroom alone, always showering together, Clint "babysitting" when Maria couldn't be there, but she still found times to hurt herself.

Sasha noticed, how could she not? With little tugs on Natasha's hand asking if she was okay, questioning why it hurt her Mama when she was on her her lap... worrying it was her fault.

Today though, Natasha was trying more than normal. All throughout the party she put on a smile for her daughter and played and did whatever Sasha asked. She let her sit on her lap even through the pain. Clint and his family are there as well as Fury, all making an appearance and all adults with furrowed brows. If Natasha didn't know better she'd call this happiness and care.

Sasha had the sense this was for her, everyone treating her... differently than normal. She was smart for her age, gradually picking up on the number change within the last few weeks. It was, "how's my almost two year old!" not, "hey there little one!" They used a number when referring to her, which was strange. But this happened with Lila, is happening with Lila. Happened with Cooper when turning four. She wasn't oblivious, though for her mouth to talk so fast you would think she might be. 

Natasha, in her depression, noticed the figurativeness to age and the power it holds. When you get closer to your birthday they talk to you as if you are that age, are that turningness, not who you are in yourself. Nothing mattered except Sasha, but Nat killed somebody with a number too. Like degrading a human and tattooing their arm in the War.

After cake and presents, Sasha looks around wide eyed and grinning. "Mommy, Mama, can I tell story?" She giggles, pulling at her hair.

"Of course, bugsy," Maria laughs back. She places her baby on the couch and everyone gathers around.

"One day... a mama and a mommy fell in love!" Sasha starts off cutely. Smiling widely as everyone awws. Well, besides Fury, who does his best to pay attention as a needy two year old sits on his lap. Lila is paying attention... okay that's a lie. Lila cares, she's a lovely girl, but she also loves attention on her. 

Sasha frowns at Lila but continues on indifferent. "They kiss an' dance an' they be happy! Then the mommy had baby, an' everything was perfect!" 

Maria smiles, admiring her daughter's little story telling habits. She's been a storyteller since the moment she could talk. But the 'was' throws Maria off. Was this going to turn sad?

"But then the mama went on mission, and then the mama's sad. She don't let the baby sit on mama's lap and now the family's weird."

Clint, Fury and Laura look around at the little family of three, frowning. 'Everything's not alright' their eyes seem to scream. 'Everything is broken' says the blood pounding in Natasha's ears.

"Hey!" Sasha groans, waving her hands around. "I'm not finish! Look m' me! Otay!" She takes a big inhale, a soft, happy face present. "But the mommy always says 'everything is not as people say it seems. There's no such thin' as brok'n only missing pieces.' So the mama is sad but if mommy right, mama will be oka'. Mama says 'family is forever' so she be okay. THE END!"

Natasha tries to hold back tears, giving her daughter a huge squeeze. "I'll be alright, детка. I promise." She'll be alright because she has to. Not because she wants to, and certainly not because she deserves it, but because Sasha does. She can only be in so much harm's way without Sasha losing a mom. But even so, Sasha would be better off with one mom than her as the second, extra heart. Does that even make sense? It doesn't matter, Sasha deserves better.

Natasha excuses herself to the bathroom downstairs and Maria motions with her head to Clint, telling him to make sure she doesn't do anything. Fury watches skeptically with an eyebrow raised. He cares, of course he does.

"Natasha, wait!" Clint calls after going down to the first floor of the little hidden flat. 

"Go away, Clint." Natasha grumbles, pushing her hair back with her hands, walking back and forth.

"No, Nat. If I leave you alone you're going to hurt yourself."

She knows he's right and oh does that hurt. She looks back at him, that same blank face trying to mask the blue of her emotions. "I deserve it." She says.

Clint swallows hard, knowing the next thing he says isn't going to be the easiest thing to hear, and the easiest to say. But he's her best friend, he needs to get through to her. "Okay, you deserve it. We get it." He says, staying strong. If she deserves it, he deserves it. But he knows sometimes doing the harder things get you the better outcomes. For everyone. "If you deserve it you deserve it. But sometimes people don't get what they deserve. Dreykov got what he deserved but Antonia didn't. Sometimes people don't get what they deserve because of others. And you know what, Sasha doesn't deserve it. So you don't have to get happy for yourself, but if you don't you're going to die. And Sasha doesn't deserve to live without her mama. I don't care what you say because if you don't get your act together she's going to remember a sad mom. She's only two goddamnit, don't pretend like that little story didn't affect you because it made all of us sad. I want my best friend to step up for her daughter, I deserve that, don't I? I killed that little girl just as much as you did, but if I got all depressed Cooper and Lila wouldn't be okay. Do you want Sasha to not be okay?"

Natasha, stubborn as she is, nods slowly. Whatever it is he's trying to get at, he got it. Though pestering on and repeating things about 'deserving this' and 'deserving that' something clicked. Maria chose her and if anything were to happen to Natasha Maria wouldn't be okay. God was love hard. 

"Nat, please, say something. Please, can you just try?"

"I..." This moment could be huge. This moment could either land her in temporary leave from missions or the start of recovery. "I- okay." These words said everything. 'You win, Barton' and 'for Sasha.'

Maria comes down the ladder, "Natasha!" she says, worry lines forming on her forehead. 

Nat smiles softly, fiddling with her promise ring. "It's okay, детка, Clint said some things. I'm... I'm going to try to get better."

Maria can't hold back, latching herself onto her girlfriend. "Finally! Thank you! Thank you thank you thank you! I love you! You've got this! I'll be with you at every waking moment! I love you so much! I believe in you!"

Did Natasha believe in herself? 

⧗ⴵ🦅🛡

APRIL 25th, 2008

Maria had recently turned twenty-six. Ugh, she felt old. But she wasn't, let's be honest. Twenty-six, going on a strong relationship of almost four years, and a two year old daughter. How does she have all of that young? Second in command of one of the biggest government spy organizations in the world. Life couldn't be better.

She had a girlfriend and daughter, a strange, crazy dad-figure, basically a brother and sister who had their own two children, and a safe place at night to call home. But sometimes, just sometimes she wanted to scream it from the rooftops and confess her love for her life to God. If there was a god, that is. She didn't care for that religious shit, it didn't matter. It didn't matter as long as she had Natasha and Sasha. That was her world, that was her deity she prayed to.

Two days ago marked two months clean for Natasha. It took time as it wasn't a free-from-all after Clint got her to try. But she did, thirteen days after she said she was going to get better, she made her last scar on her thigh. Relapsing is possible, she's not blind to that fact, but she's got a team to back her up.

⧗ⴵ🦅🛡

Laura and the kids were in DC for a few days, staying at a small house close to the Headquarters. Sasha begged to hang out with Lila and had somehow gotten a sleepover. That meant for Natasha and Maria that they had a night to themselves!

They were in the lounge for levels 9 and 10 again. There were a few other agents but nobody was looking hard enough to see the longing glances between the special pair. They were texting each other on their phones, kind of silly, kind of romantic.

It wasn't late, but it wasn't early. Rounding up to about 4:30pm, 16:30 military time. Natasha and Maria's feet were lightly touching on the opposite sides of the couch. Intentional, of course, but to the skeptical eye it seemed like they didn't even notice. It was peaceful, something they didn't get often.

They concluded the night with two warm milks (with honey and cinnamon, of course) and sat on their bed watching TV. Maria fell asleep, cuddled into her lover's side. Natasha turned the TV off and lied down into the loving embrace of her girlfriend. It was perfect, a chance to enjoy each other. Of course they loved their daughter, more than the entire world! But sometimes, they just needed to know they loved their daughter and spend time loving each other.

⧗ⴵ🦅🛡

APRIL 26th, 2008
4:11am

Okay, okay okay okay. It's alright. It's alright. You're okay. 

Natasha sits up straight in bed, trying to maintain her breathing. To her right lays Maria, her inhales even and calm. If Natasha is going to handle her nightmare, she will handle it on her own without interrupting the peaceful slumber of her girlfriend.

She wasn't going to cut herself, that's for sure. That wouldn't do anything except create more alarm and action within her family and friends, knowing Maria wanted pleasure and Sasha wanted to sit on her lap. Plus, having nightmares wasn't that big a deal. She's got trauma, so does almost everyone else in this goddamn place. Hell, her girlfriend was fucking abused and acts all fine.

She did know what brought her some sort of fucked up comfort. But Maria also helped her get over this. She had it right in the drawer of her night table, right with her gun and other spy-like equipment. It would help her sleep, and even if there were nightmares from that, at least they were the kind she was used to.

She knew Maria was going to reprimand her in the morning, if she woke up before Natasha did, that is. She's programmed to wake up early, but with her lack of sleep she doesn't know. She doesn't really feel well rested after waking up from a nightmare, so goddamnit she's just going to do it.

She opens her nightstand drawer, pulls out the handcuffs and locks her left wrist to the headboard. Placing the key on the glass she takes a deep breath. Why is this both overwhelming, guilt eating and comforting? Maria's going to have so much to say in the morning.

⧗ⴵ🦅🛡

10:17am

"Natasha! Natasha, please! Please wake up! It's just a dream! It's not real!"

"Don't touch her! Я буду стрелять! DON'T TOUCH HER! I will KILL you ALL!"

It was a perfect memory, word for word ingrained in her mind. Something important, something dangerous.

In her slumber it seemed she wanted to get out of the handcuffs, ripping blood from her wrist. Her eyes still weren't open.

"Natasha... please, you're hurting yourself..." 

"Не трогай ее! Я буду стрелять!" Her breathing was getting slower, almost crying.

"Please... baby, please... wake up..."

"Елена..."

"Alright, I don't know who that is. Maybe Clint does? Okay..." she touches Natasha's shoulder again, and Nat flinches into consciousness.

"Елена?" 

Maria looks to the key on the nightstand, averting her gaze to anywhere but her girlfriend. "No, it's just me." 

Natasha stays silent, looking around, focusing where Maria's eyes are drawn to. Maria picks it up, unlocking Natasha without a word.

It's an awkward silence. They know it was nightmares both when she handcuffed herself to the bed and just now. Natasha hadn't locked herself to the bedpost in years. Maria eventually stands up to get a washcloth, intending to come back in seconds.

"Masha, please! Stay!" It comes out strained, scared.

"I'll be right back, darling. I'm just getting something to clean your wrist." It wasn't supposed to come off harsh, not in any way. But it did. She meant to put some sort of emphasis on it, but not in the way that she was angry.

Natasha doesn't respond.

When Maria is back, she cleans her lover's wrist softly. "I love you, you know. You could have woken me up."

"You were so peaceful, Masha. And cute. I didn't want to interrupt that."

"This is interrupting." She says strongly. "I would've rather held you when you woke up last night than have to clean your wrist in the morning."

Natasha looks down. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay, at least you didn't hurt yourself."

"At least I didn't hurt myself." Those words felt sour in her mouth. She did hurt herself. She hurt Maria, she hurt her wrist, she hurt her heart. Years ago she hurt Yelena.

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

Wanting and needing are two different things.

Natasha stays silent again. 

The topic is heavy, vines in the air intoxicating the tension. The worst part now is that Maria knows that somebody else might know the answer.

"Do you want to talk to Clint?" She asks.

Natasha shakes her head. "No. I need to talk to you."

"You don't have to do anything. You are not my property, you are my partner."

"Yes, and as your partner you have a right to know about my family."

⧗ⴵ🦅🛡

MAY 26th, 2008

"We have a superhero now," Maria mumbles quietly to Natasha as they sit eating breakfast. They're just now contemplating the astounding events of yesterday. 

Natasha nods, finishes swallowing her cereal and curls in her lips before saying, "And his name is Tony Stark."

"Nuh-uh, his name is Iron Man."

"That doesn't even make sense! For a genius his suit isn't even iron!"

Maria laughs. "I know right! What a disgrace. And to think he was smart."

"Ay! I never said that!" Natasha gasps, putting her hand to her chest.

"I am Iron Man." Maria mocks, lifting her shoulders up and continuing to laugh.

"Didn't take two brain cells to put that together, dingus."

They hear the sounds of pitter patter coming up the stairs and smile at each other, going to the top of the little trapdoor. When they see the little redhead appear they grin, helping her up.

"Well hello, Sasha! How are you?" Natasha asks, bringing her to the small kitchen island connected to the wall. It sat two people on either side. There were three stools with small backings, one into the kitchen the other to the living room.

"'M hungry." Sasha mumbles in response, rubbing her eyes with her fists.

Maria chuckles, getting out another bowl to get her daughter some cereal. "Well hello, Hungry, I'm Mommy."

"What a dad," Natasha groans, boosting her daughter back up on her hip.

"No dad..." Sasha groans right back.

Natasha looks at her daughter, somehow seeing her own features within her. Yes, Sasha was not biologically hers, but it didn't matter.

"Yeah, no dad." Nat replies, placing her daughter on the counter and kissing her nose, making Sasha giggle.

"I can't believe we live in a world with flying tin cans and a Sasha," Maria says with a small eye roll, giving Sasha the cereal. Which Natasha takes quickly before her little redhead can start eating. She places her in the highchair and then gives her the Cheerios.

"Yes, and I don't know how we could ever live in a world without her. She's our little superhero, isn't she? Better than Iron Man at least."

"Yeah. Sasha Romanoff-Hill. Superhero. I like that."

"I love that." Natasha replies, one-upping her.

"Oh, come on, Tasha!"

"What, you don't love Sasha the superhero?"

"I never said that!"

<33

I was mean and nice, there is no way you can hate me!

TRANSLATIONSSSS:

детка:
translation: detka
meaning: baby/babe (pet name)

Я буду стрелять!:
translation: YA budu strelyat'!
meaning: I will shoot!

Не трогай ее!:
translation: Ne trogay yeye!
meaning: Don't touch her!

Елена:
translation: Yelena
meaning: Yelena