I think I just murdered myself with feels.

So I've been wanting to watch someone play That Dragon, Cancer cause it looked like a cool game so when my favorite YouTuber, Mithzan, played it I was like oh cool a two in one! Then the feels hit me. It was a lot harder on me than it should have. As soon as I heard the name Joel I cried so hard. My Grandpa's name is Joel and he was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer. We hoped and prayed and it was such a hard time to go through. When he went into surgery I was happy and my mind played the same thought over and over. 'After this everything will be better.' Then I began to comfort myself 'We'll go fishing and exploring and crack random jokes and he'll be able to eat those brownies I made for him he couldn't eat.' After the surgery I eagerly asked my mom how it went and I cried myself to sleep that night. They had removed all but 5 percent of the tumor, which was in a spot around a vital arterie, and it was only matter of time before it grew back. We don't know how long he has left and we don't talk about it much and we just enjoy having him around for now. It just pains me to think about him. He didn't deserve this. He didn't do anything to deserve it. Neither did that little boy in the game.

Cancer sucks so freaking much. I can only imagine what it would be like if one of my siblings, my parents, or myself got cancer. And I am mad at myself for even ranting about this because my Grandpa is still living and several other people have lost family members to cancer and yet here I am moping about something that hasn't happened yet.

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I can't take this because in the middle of watching the video my sister asked me what cancer was. It hit me that she had no idea what was happening with Grandpa and she had no idea how precious every moment we spent with him was. I tried to explain it and I left out our Grandpa and she's fast asleep right now.

I can't sleep. My head is spinning and I have a headache. This is a reason why I never want to have children. For fear that something might happen to them. The thought of them having problems like me, or them having problems like my brother, or one day waking up to find out that they have some sort of disease that can't be cured, or giving birth only to find out the next day that they died over night. I don't like enduring pain. It hurts me too much and then I can't understand it. I can't understand why or how or if it should have even happened. Then I blame myself. I say, "It's all your fault, Becca. It's all your fault they almost died, It's all your fault no one is happy, you could've done something but you didn't. You were being dumb and said 'Nothing will go wrong if I don't do this little thing' and yet something always does. And it's all your fault."

I've gone through a lot of hard things. I almost killed my brother once. Another time I almost drowned. Another I was almost abandoned. And there were several times in my life I could've died or almost died.

Some of you may think I'm just trying to get attention. Well I've got news for you. After second grade I never wanted attention. The only attention I want is when I want to talk to my parents. I'm just saying this to get it out and hopefully find someone who cares enough about me that they will just freaking sit down and listen. That's all we really need in life. I've been that person for so many people I just want someone to do the same for me... please..?

I am crying so freaking hard right now,
Warrior_Fangirl