For the record, I didn’t know anything about dilating, effacing, water breaking or when to push and when to not push. I didn’t know anything about pre-term labor. What I did know, was that Harriett had started to discuss those things with me but I completely blew her off regarding each of the topics. Another thing I knew, was I had a nursery waiting on me at home that was unfinished. The curtains still laid in the floor and all the furniture had been moved to the middle of the room because a painter was due to come paint in early May. Our home was not ready for the baby but my body had other plans.

 My water broke at 3:13 that afternoon, exactly a half hour after Winnie had arrived. Veronica had to tell what the hell that meant as if the fluid and stale blood I had soiled the sheets with wasn’t enough of an explanation. I was far more relaxed that afternoon than I had been in the morning. It was so wonderful to have Winnie and Veronica there to hold my hands, to talk and laugh with me, and at least partially distract me from the fact that underneath it all I was still nervous. My parents had a six hour trip from Scotland and so they hadn’t yet arrived. My contractions became consistent by 4:30. They had become so intense that I could no longer talk through them. Instead, I held on to Veronica and Winnie…and swore.

I was in the middle of one of my intense, numbing contractions when my mother and father appeared in my private room. My parents, being the kind of people they were, let me ride it out before making their appearance known. “We’re here! We’re here sweetheart.” My mum said, trading places with Winnie. She took my hand in hers.

“Mum! Aww, you look so pretty.” I told her, wiping sweat from my forehead.

“Thank you sweetheart.” She said, kissing the top of my head.

“How are you doin’ sweetheart?” My dad knelt down beside my bed and put his hand on my stomach. I shook my head. I could hold it together with my mum but not with dad.

“I don’t know.” I said, tearing up.

“No, no, no, Lydia. Don’t you do that. Don’t you cry. You’re gonna’ be okay.” My dad petted my head. I smiled and shook my head in agreement.

“I’m glad you’re here.” I told them both sincerely.

“Excuse me there! Time for some pain medication, Lydia.” A kindly nurse said, coming into my room. My parents quickly moved away from me so the nurse could infuse my now re-attached IV drip with pain killers. Because Harriett and I had never discussed birthing options for me and because I was pre-term, the nursing staff suggested an epidural to be risky. That meant, I was going to have this baby without any strong medications or nerve block. Fuck. I was allowed anything mild in my IV but nothing that would actually make labor bearable. “How close together are your contractions?” the nurse asked me. Hell, I didn’t know! I just knew they made me want to kill myself. I looked to Winnie and Veronica.

“Um…probably about five or ten minutes apart wouldn’t you say?” Winnie asked looking to Veronica who agreed with her. “I’m going to call for the doctor to come see how many centimeters you’re dilated. I’m sure you’re close to going to delivery.” She said before leaving the room.

“Where’s Roger?” my mum asked digging in her purse for a cigarette. “I don’t know. Probably in the air somewhere. He’ll be here. Mum! You can’t smoke in here!” I reminded her before she lit her cigarette.

“Oh, oh yes. I suppose you’re right. I’m sorry, sweetheart.” No sooner did mum get her words out, I began to have another contraction. It was miserable and I clenched down on the sheets as hard as I could. Immediately, Veronica coached me through it. One thing was certain, nurturing came so naturally to her. She just jumped in and did it. I think even my mum was impressed by how truly caring and genuinely involved in my labor she was. Veronica was one of those people that truly had become my best friend…and nothing had ever faltered it. My mother asked her about her own pregnancy and about the boys after she had gotten me through my next horrible contraction. Even though I needed my mum here with me, it was for reasons other than what most mums would provide. I knew my mum wouldn’t be the kind of mum encouraging me to push or telling me ‘you can do it’. My mum was far more brutally honest than that. She provided relief such as telling me the truth about how terrible I looked in the hospital gown or reminding me that she and I could be having a cocktail. I loved her for those things.

Dr. Myers had returned to my room, pulling the privacy curtain between me and my visitors in order to check how far I had dilated. He wasn’t between my legs long…in fact most men in my lifetime had been between my legs far longer than he! “It’s time. Ten centimeters. I’m going to get the delivery room prepped and a nurse will bring you in. Time for you to start pushing.” Dr. Myers gave me a big smile…I felt like I were about to throw up. And then it dawned on me. Roger wasn’t here for the birth of our baby…and my uterus wasn’t waiting for him. I swallowed hard and gave Dr. Myers a nod as he pulled the privacy curtain back again. “She’s ready. Which of you are going to be joining her in the delivery room?” He asked, removing his latex gloves and putting them in the nearby trash. I looked to mum, to Winnie and to Veronica. I wanted someone with me….well, at least I thought I did. In times of high stress, I preferred to handle them on my own. Part of me didn’t want anyone in there with me. However, before I could speak, my mum had made a decision.

“You go.” She practically choked out to Veronica, shaking her head. Winnie agreed with her. Veronica looked a little shocked.  “You’ve been with her and provided more guidance than I certainly have since she’s been pregnant. You should go.” My mother looked to me for assurance that it was what I wanted.” I frantically nodded. I hoped Veronica would be okay with this.

“Okay….okay let’s do this.” Veronica sighed heavily. “Let’s go have a baby.” She smiled all over and I could tell she was about to bawl. I got a hug and a kiss from my dad, my mum and Winnie before a nurse came in to take me away. The next time they would see me, I would have a baby.

            Once in the delivery room, I could feel myself becoming more fearful and more anxious. “Veronica!” I called to her as she pulled a hair cap over her head and a surgical mouthpiece over her mouth. “I need you to tell my mum that she needs to do my hair and makeup when I’m done in here.” I said shaking my head.

            “Lydia!” she scolded me, putting her hands on her hips. “That’s the last thing in the world that will be on your mind.” She said.

            “Oh! How far along are you?” a delivery nurse asked of Veronica, clearly seeing that she was pregnant.

            “Only about four months. This one isn’t quite ready.” She patted her stomach underneath her hospital robe. Technically, mine wasn’t ready either but it was on the way.  I couldn’t make a comment because another contraction began, hard strong, and sending me straight to hell. All I could do was moan about it. I couldn’t speak because the pain was so very intense. The nurse calmly talked me through it, the full two minutes of it. I was sweating and in a very intense, dull pain. I could feel a sinking feeling in my lower abdomen and an intense amount of pressure.

            “Oh god, what is this!? What is this paaaaaaaaaiiiiin!” I screamed through my breath.

            “Relax, realx…you’re gonna’ be okay. It’s alright. You don’t have an epidural so you are going to feel intense pressure in your lower abdomen. Lydia, you’re only 28 weeks so when the baby is born it will be small and may need to spend some time in the neonatal intensive care unit. We’ll get the vitals once it’s born and know for certain at that time. Listen, that pressure you feel is your baby having dropped. You’re going to be ready to push soon. I want you to put your feet up here and prepare to push down into the table when we tell you to do so.” The nurse explained. I looked at Veronica. I had never felt more unattractive in my life with my vagina on display under fluorescent lighting and being barely covered with a sheet. I was so happy Veronica had done this before and she wasn’t the slightest bit squeamish about blood and uterine walls or mucus or strange fluids or the fact that I had just embarrassed myself to tears by peeing on the table as my next contraction started. Fortunately for me, Veronica and the nurse didn’t seem to care, they just wiped me clean and pushed my feet up toward the sides of my stomach. Veronica reached a glove covered hand out to me as I cried out in horror, tears forming in my eyes.

            “You’re okay. Push! Lean forward and push down! Come on, you can do this!” Veronica coached me, holding my foot in one hand and my hand in the other. “Push!” she called again as my scream grew miserable. I had no idea labor was this horrific and this was just my first fucking push! “Keep pushing! Keep pushing! Keep pushing! Okay, stop! Stop! Lay back, lay back…there you go. See? You did it. You made it.” She tried to reassure me. I leaned back and panted, my forehead covered in sweat and the strangest of feelings in my abdomen. It was a combination of pressure and discomfort and overall unsettle. “I once watched her shove a full-size duffle into an overhead compartment on a plane the size of shoebox! I know she can do this! She married a man who won’t kill any spiders…believe me…she can do this.” Veronica told the nurse, making her laugh. I had to say, it made me smile for a moment. Dr. Myers had himself positioned at the bottom of the table with his sterilized tools and sanitary cleansing solution. It wasn’t long before another contraction came and I was not only forced, but also well coached to push my guts out. I wailed to the point where my voice cracked out.

            The thing about pre-term labor was the fact that it had a mind of it’s own. I was preparing to push again and I was beginning to become very tired. All this pushing occurred faster than anticipated. The baby wouldn’t even be full size and it was still miserable. I could only imagine what un-medicated labor with a full term baby was like. “You don’t have much time to rest, the baby’s head is about to crown. Lydia, you’ll feel a burn. When you feel the burn stop pushing.” The doctor said. I was feeling very light-headed and a little queasy. I rocked my head back and forth but couldn’t express my discomfort. My head began to spin and I started to see spots before me. I could hear Veronica and the nurse encouraging me to push. I felt like I couldn’t hear them as I pushed as hard as I could. I looked over to Veronica, feeling my body set fire to itself. I could see her lips move but the ringing in my ears caused me to not hear her.

            I remember practically squeezing Veronica’s hand off. I can remember the muffled shouts in the delivery room. I can remember my body burning and Veronica pushing me down to the table. The last thing I remembered in that delivery room was the muffled sound of tiny tears.