Chapter's Glossary

Ganbarimasu: I will try my best

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This is why people shouldn't ignite back the flames of a past love, especially when you're not nearly over it, because the moment they give you a bit of hope, your heart is pounding again. Your head is filled with thoughts of possibilities and dreams that things might change. When people tell you about something you thought was lost, just a few words, you're back at the beginning.

My head is a mess, let's not even mention my heart. For the whole day I can only think of what Cece said, reevaluating everything Gareth has said and done. I am scared of having hopes again because I've had more than enough, but as much as I am scared, I am also desperate to hold on to him, to make this work. I know it's pathetic at some level but, is it so wrong wanting him to want me, too?

The biggest problem is that if I don't deal with this soon then I will be jeopardising my job. I can't really focus because my thoughts always go back to Gareth. Whether I get my heart broken once again or not, I need to close this chapter for good.

Damn you, Cece, for telling me there's still one chapter left.

I text Gareth asking if he has time at the end of the day because there's something we need to discuss. He replies that he'll be free around seven and he can come to my office. I agree on that, even if it seems he thinks I need to talk about work.

I don't really know what I'm going to tell him and I spend the whole afternoon trying to figure out the way to approach this, but by the time he texts me saying he's free and heading here, I'm as blank as I was when I texted him before.

I had managed to act cool and professional, but I'm a mess again, trembling and with my heart pounding when he's announced. I think I can't breathe the moment he walks in.

What if Cece is right and Gareth indeed has feelings for me? Then what would I do?

What if Cece is wrong and for the umpteenth time Gareth rejects me? Then what would I do?

"Are you okay?" is the first thing he asks me, noticing my anxious state, I presume. He approaches, a worried expression drawing on his face. "You look ill."

"I'm okay," I answer, trying to take a deep breath and leaving my chair behind the desk. I walk around this and go over to where Gareth is standing. I only stop when we're face-to-face.

His eyes are fixed on me, I can still see a bit of worry and the faintest glint of confusion. Why do I like him so much? Why do I keep insisting when I've been turned down time and time again? What is that makes me come back to him and try again even after my heart has been broken? Why is that I can't really explain the reason behind my strong attachment?

Once I watched a drama that said the moment you knew why you liked someone was the moment you took them for granted. For as long as you don't know you'll wonder why and work hard to figure it out, falling more in love with that person. Could that be true?

"Why did you ask me to come?" he asks me next, his eyes still locked with mine. Even if I wanted to look away, which I don't, I wouldn't be able to.

I don't know what there is between us, but I'm drawn to him. It's not like gravity because you don't feel that; this is something stronger, something that drags me in, like a blackhole, minus the whole disintegration of the matter.

"There's something I need to ask you," I breathe out, my chest rising and falling as my hands shake. "I'm still struggling to find the words, though."

Something changes in his eyes, in the way he looks at me, which makes me think he realises now I didn't call him for a work related topic. His body tenses, imperceptibly leaning forward, he takes a deep breathe and chews on his bottom lip.

"What is it?" he asks and I think his voice is deeper, making me tremble even more.

"It's about something Cece pointed out and I don't know what to believe," I begin, and I can see the confusion furrowing his brows when I mention my best friend. "I'm scared he might be right, but I'm also terrified he might be wrong."

His chest is rising and falling in sync with mine, the tension between us is so thick, almost unbearable, as if it were choking me.

"What did he say?" It's barely a whisper, yet it sounds so loud in my ears.

"That you never said you didn't like me. You rejected me many times, but you never said you didn't feel the same way." I notice him tensing even more, the breath getting caught in his throat. "I know that shoud¡ld be enough to get the message, but he told me to ask you about it. I'm not asking you out or anything, I'm... I'm asking you how you feel about me. The truth."

Three seconds that feel like an eternity pass in which he doesn't utter a word, he just looks at me, with his hands tightly clenched and trembling. He takes the smallest step closer, with a look that could only be described as longing.

"Can you tell me that? Please," I beg, feeling my knees going weak because I can't stand this tension.

"Why are you doing this?" he asks instead, which feels like a bucket of cold water has been thrown on me. "I'm trying to spare you so much trouble, but you're not making it easy."

"What do you mean!?" I exclaim, getting frustrated because in this state my mind can't properly work.

He seems to be struggling on his own, closing his eyes for the briefest time, trying to pull himself together, squeezing his fists even tighter, making all the veins in his arms become so noticeable.

"You'r breaking me," he whispers. "Every conviction, every plan and every rule, you're breaking it all. You are making me want things that I shouldn't want, things I can't have."

"You have to be clear!" I protest. "Don't give me hopes with your vague answers."

I'm so frustrated with this whole situation that I feel like I'm going to cry any moment, not because it hurts but because it is draining me. I'm almost finished with the film, my father is back, I got the hang of this company and I know what I'll be doing with my future. All that is sorted out, but Gareth is the only thing giving me a headache.

"I'm not good for you, Ann. You deserve better," he tries to plead but it seems every word pains him.

"I know that! I bloody do, and even if I'm aware I shouldn't want you, I do, and I want to know if you feel the same way. Why is it so hard for you to tell me that? Yes or no, simple as that."

He seems so troubled, as if he were fighting a bloody war in his mind. I don't really understand, how can it be so hard for him to tell me how he feels about me? Why is he dragging it like this.

"Yes, I do," he murmurs ever so softly, I even think I've misheard him. "I do," he repeats, louder, and staring in my eyes with so much sincerity that my breath gets caught in my throat as my stomach ties in knots. "I can't tell you how much I've fought this, trying to tell myself that by staying away from you I'm just protecting you. But I still want you."

There's the faintest touch on my right hand and it takes me a heartbeat to realise it's his fingertips, he's reaching out for me.

"When I was filming in Japan you were all I could think of," he continues, letting out what he seems to have been holding for so long. "It was so distracting and bad for my job, yet I couldn't still kick you out of my heart. I just wanted to see you, to hear your voice at least. I missed you like crazy, but I kept telling myself I had done the right thing. I don't want to hurt you. If I dare to touch you so many other people will try to hurt you. I don't want to expose you to that. I'm on the spotlight and it's not fair I drag you with me."

I blink a few times, processing his words, the reason behind his actions. For a second I almost forget he's admitted to like me, too, because I'm still trying to understand his logic.

"Are you telling me you rejected me all those times not because you didn't like me but because you thought you were 'protecting' me?" I question out loud and his pained expression is all I need as corroboration. "You idiot!" I shout, slamming my fist against his chest as hard as I can, hurting him and surprising him. "How could you be so dense? I know I might look hopeless and whatnot, but you should at least let me make the decision! I should decide whether I want to face the consequences or not!"

"But I-" he tries to argue, but I'm slamming my fist against his chest again.

"No! You think keeping me in the shadows is protecting me? My father did the same thing and all he made me think was that he was ashamed of me! That's not how you deal with things, Gareth Maddox! If you were worried about that you should've told me your concern and let me make the decision." I take a deep breath, feeling weak after that outburst. "If you had told me you would've known I was aware of those consequences already and was ready to face them if that was the price to be with you. You didn't need to make me think this was only an unrequited love. Why couldn't you tell me before instead of breaking my heart like that? You idiot!" My voice breaks a bit by the end, a mix between exhaustion and relief. It finally starts to sink in that he like me back, he does have feelings for me and it wasn't just me.

I'm so tired that my whole body seems like too big of a weight for me, I can't even control it, my knees give out and it's Gareth the one that catches me, pulling me against his chest to hold me in one piece.

"Why did you make me cry like that?" I whisper next, burying my face in the crook of his neck, holding on to him. His arms tighten around me, pulling me even closer. I can feel his strong and fast heartbeats.

"Because... because I don't even know what to do. This... this whole romance deal isn't something I know how to do and I'm afraid I'll disappoint you and hurt you like that. You're too precious to me, Ann," he says, basically talking in my hair, his lips brushing my ear. "I don't think I can do the whole relationship thing."

"And you think I do?" I question him back. "You think I'm an expert of some sort?" he chuckles because he knows as well as I know that I have no clue. "Yet I was willing to try and learn with you."

"I'm sorry," he finally says and the next thing I feel are his lips pressed to the top of my head as he hugs me even tighter, almost hurting me. "I honestly thought I was doing the best."

"You were underestimating me," I summarise for him, telling him the real reason even if he isn't aware of it. "You thought I wasn't capable of handling what it came with dating you."

"It's tough, Ann. The media is ruthless and they will try to break you because you're important to me, just because that's what sells. Happy people don't make ends meet for them, but scandals, breakups, and any other kind of misery is what makes people buy their tabloids and watch their shows. I don't want anyone to attack you just to sell."

I pull back to see his tormented expression. I realise now how much the fact that someone might try to hurt me just because I'm close to him troubled him, scared of someone from whom he can't protect me. I can almost understand him. Almost.

"I'm tougher than you think," I tell him. "You saw people underestimating me, badmouthing me, belittling me, humiliating me in front of everyone... yet I never lost it in front of him. I never lowered myself to their level. I handled it all, even if it was hard," I remind him and when I say those words I actually feel proud of myself because it's true, I did all that. I endured all that. "I've learnt a lot during these months, I've grown a lot, too. I've become tougher. And haven't you said it before? I'm hardworking and resourceful. I can manage things, or were you lying when you said those things?"

"No, I wasn't," he immediately replies, a small smile coming to his lips. "You're all that and more."

"Then, wouldn't you give us a chance? Can't we figure things together and try to make this work? Despite the amount of times you've broken my heart, I still feel the same way. I can't just get over you. Can you try to hold on to me, too?"

He looks at me and I can see the struggle in his eyes, the desire to give in and do as I ask him, but I can also see his reluctance and fear that things might fail and we'll end up both hurt.

"Gareth, the least we can do is-"

I don't get to finish the argument when his lips are on mine, desperate and rough, taking me completely off guard. My eyes widen in surprise before these close and I kiss him back, wrapping my arms around his neck and standing on my toes as his hands are pressed so tightly on my back, running up and down, sending shivers through my spine.

It's a different kind of kiss, hungry and almost primitive, it tastes like longing and surrender should do, like love and hope with a little touch of fear. But fear is what makes us cautious, fear makes us stay on our toes, alert for any danger that might come. Fear is necessary because if you're not scared of losing something, then you have no reason to fight for it.

We break the kiss when we can't hold our breaths any longer, but even then he keeps me tightly pressed to him and it doesn't seem his arms will release me anytime soon.

"May I take that as a yes?" I ask, biting my lower lip as I stare in his eyes, my hands run free through his hair as my heart beats for that lazy smile on his lips.

"Most definitely," he answers, the very smile I was loving growing wider before he leans in for another kiss.

I delight myself in the taste of his lips because, after all, getting this man was harder that learning to manage a company and producing a whole film. But then again, it's true that we appreciate the most those things for which we fight the hardest.

However, now a different kind of fight begins, one to make this relationship work. Luckily, I'm finally with him on this and I know I'll try my best to make it work.

I smile in the kiss as all I can think of is something that is my motto and that defines me, something to which I'll keep holding because that's all I really need to accomplish anything in this life.

Ganbarimasu.

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Sooooo, how was that? Did you enjoy it? Are you happy with this ending? There's the epilogue left, though! And then we jump with Blanca Like Snow *squeals*

I hope you loved Ann's journey and are as proud of her as I am. She grew a lot, my little girl Please, show your support for Ann and the story on the comments!

LoveBigBooks your comment made me laugh so hard xD

Bel, xx

~epilogue on Wednesday~